12. The Necromon Thief (Part 3) Transcript
Transcript by Raina Harper
Kyle
Hey everybody. Before we get started, I wanted to remind you that for every episode we include content notes about things that might be upsetting or disturbing in the description. For this episode specifically, I worked with Emily to recreate the sound of a migraine, so it’s pretty gnarly. If you’d like to know when that sound effect will take place as well as our other content notes, you can find timestamps in the description.
Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…
[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]
Bry (as Noir Irene)
Moss-napped. One of my partners had been taken against their will, and I could feel a deep ache in the core of my soul itself.
Rob (as Noir Quique)
“Meet me at Chuck Beaver’s Emporium of Fun and Pizza where the fun never dies.” Signed, E.
Tom (as Hilda)
I’m really suspicious about that Maybelline character.
Hallie
[Sighs.]
Kyle
Maybelline hands out a card that is actually flashing.
Tom (as Hilda)
I don’t think I trust Lucas Bang. We should try and plant a bug on him or something.
Hallie (as Sparky)
You can learn a lot of things from a good bug.
Kyle (as Lucas)
I really hope that envelope I gave you was helpful.
Emily
Booker starts chewing on the page.
Hallie
[Shouts and laughs.]
Kyle
And this demon turns around.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[Theme music swells and carries into the episode.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
So you hid out in the back stockroom of the Out of Thyme grocery store?
Kyle
Big Jake Hell looks at you and says:
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Well actually, heh, this establishment is one of the businesses that I own. That’s why it’s got the death pun in the title.
Hallie (as Sparky)
That’s a death pun?
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
It’s a death pun, yes.
Hallie (as Sparky)
You spelled it with an H, and a Y, like the herb.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Well it’s a food pun as well.
Hallie (as Sparky)
So you’re just doubling your puns. You’re just doubling your puns so that you can sneak up on people in the back warehouse about their extended car warranties.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Wait, okay, we gotta… Alright, let’s just table-set here for a second. Okay?
[Silly music begins.]
My name is Big Jake Hell. I run a variety of businesses including Out of Thyme and Hellish Impound. You are a customer of ours who has walked into the back office…
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
…where we work…
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
…and you are asking me why I, the one sitting here in one of our offices, am stalking you?
Hallie
I’d like it noted that the entire time he’s been talking Sparky has just been rifling through things in this office, going “uh-huh, uh-huh” in front of him.
[Laughter.]
She’s trying to find anything about the redacted buyer.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh. That is 100% correct. What are you gonna do about it?
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Well, uh—
Kyle
He thinks for a moment.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Here’s what you’re gonna do about it.
Hallie
[Chuckles.] I’m catching him off-guard.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Since you own the Out of Thyme business, and I understand you are really desperate to get me to do something about this expired warranty that I have no messages about…
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
I want to make it clear. We’re worried about safety here, Miss Malarky.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, in the interest of safety—
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
From what I understand, your car does in fact not go backwards. It sounds like you metaphorically have one foot on the gas and one in the grave, so to speak.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Chuckles wryly.] That is, um… You know, some cars just work like that, and that’s just how they have character. You know? My car has character.
[Music ends.]
… How about this. I will sign a new warranty and do all the safety stuff with the new car, and do all the things you need me to do to get your new warranty or whatever, if you can tell me who you sell the rutabagas to.
Kyle
Roll me Convince Somebody.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
I don't know. What stat do you think you would use for this?
Hallie
I don’t… Sparky’s not trying to trick him. She’s being genuine. “Yeah, whatever, I’ll do the warranty. Small price to pay.”
Kyle
Give me Books then, because you’re trying to do an actual negotiation, trying to convince him this is a good idea.
Hallie
Books? I’m actually negotiating, yeah. Whether she puts 100% effort into this after the fact is another thing, but right now she does genuinely mean, yeah, whatever, I’ll do it.
[Rolls.] Do-do-do… Nine.
Kyle
That is a mixed success.
Hallie
Just under a full success.
Kyle
You convince him, kind of.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
Choose one of these drawbacks. Something is preventing him from doing what you want. He asks for something in return. He makes one inconvenient misunderstanding. He’s temporarily upset with you.
[00:05:00]
Hallie
He asks for something in return.
Kyle
He sits there and he nods a little bit.
[Threatening ambient music begins.]
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
My-my, Sparky, I wish it could be that simple, I really do. Unfortunately, we did text you 666 times about that warranty to which you in fact did not respond.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
At that point, if we just kind of have you sign it and wash it all away, well that’s gonna cause some “hellish” violations, you understand.
Hallie (as Sparky)
If you say so.
Kyle
He starts filling out some paperwork, very casually, but you can feel the weight as if you’re making a deal with the devil.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
I’m just gonna do a quick contract here.
Kyle
He sets it down and he pushes the paper over to you.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
I’m happy to discuss this further with you under the condition that you let us take the car in… for basic repairs.
[Music ends. Laughter.]
Hallie
No, I don’t want that!
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
It will be completely free of charge, our imps are very good at their work, but we do need that car to be safe before we can re-sign the warranty.
Hallie (as Sparky)
So you want to take my car and give me no guarantee of me ever getting it back?
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
I mean, it is in the contract that you would get your car back. I don't know why you’re coming at me like I am some sort of, uh… heinous devilish businessman here.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Look. In my experience, anyone trying to make a deal with you is a devilish evil businessman. It’s nothing personal, nothing personal.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
I mean, it feels a little personal.
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I take that back, actually. I don’t want to have said that thing I said.
Um… okay. Okay, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Earlier, we talked about bugging, which is a thing that Sparky has done successfully in the past.
Kyle
Bugging, yes.
Hallie
I’m close to agreeing to this. I want to know where this headquarter is, just because. So I wanna bug this car so that I can let them take it and get info that way. Would you allow me to have bugged my car somehow?
Kyle
Give me 2 AP for retroactively bugging your car. I say that because having a bug and retroactively bugging your car each feel like 1 AP things.
Hallie
I know, they’re different things, that’s why I asked before I committed to the ploy, because I’m not sure what I’m gonna get out of it except for sadness at my car being gone for basic repairs.
Kyle
You can also, if Tom wants to spend some of his AP, I will let Tom spend 1 AP if you say you had Hilda bug the car for you.
Tom
I’m not 100% sure if Hilda would do that.
Hallie
Yeah.
Tom
Hilda has been standing in the front for a while, wondering “why ‘is’ the Boss digging into this rutabaga mystery?”
Hallie
[Laughs.] “Why ‘does’ she care?”
Tom
Where does the interest come from?
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music begins to bossa nova playing over the radio.]
Kyle
While Sparky thinks about this, let’s flash back to Hilda just listening to Steve on the radio and in-person talking about smoothies. Steve on the podcast is like:
Kyle (as Steve)
And the mango smoothie is made with mangos.
Kyle
And Steve in person is like:
Kyle (as Steve)
And the watermelon smoothie is made out of watermelon.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Tom
Hilda has been listening to all of this with her full attention. That being said, she will choose now to interrupt.
Tom (as Hilda)
Thank you for all of this, but I think I need to go now. I need to go find my friend.
Kyle (as Steve)
Absolutely. Thank you for listening to me talk about smoothies. Here’s your smoothie.
Kyle
And he hands it to you.
Tom (as Hilda)
Thank you.
Kyle
[Amused.] Alright, yes, so what are you doing, Hilda?
[Music ends.]
Tom
Hilda is gonna look around and see that Sparky is not here, and is also just gonna walk into the back. Without a concerted effort, this child is just running back into the back room.
Kyle
And there’s nobody to stop you. You still see a couple of the {Fresh Thyme} employees—
Tom
They’re on their break.
[Whimsical music begins.]
Kyle
Yeah, exactly. They are actually on their break… the ones you see, that is. As I mentioned, a lot of the employees look like Steve—not in that they’re clones of him or anything, but instead that they’re living people wearing their Out of Thyme aprons.
You do notice some other folks in the back though, and these folks are actually not the living, they are the dead. Specifically, you see imps, small red demons with pointy tails, no shirt, overalls and boots, some of whom are running heavy machinery, some of whom are taking a break with everyone else, and many of whom seem to be running off somewhere outside of the building like they’re on a job.
But, you keep running, and eventually you find your way to the back office. You just burst in the door?
Tom
Yeah, I’m just looking for Sparky.
Kyle
Yeah. You see Sparky talking to this big devil man.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
She sees Sparky signing a contract with a big devil man.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Hallie
I’m gonna sign it.
[00:10:00]
Tom (as Hilda)
Hey Boss. I don’t think my distraction was very good. How are things going back here?
Hallie (as Sparky)
They are just peachy, kiddo.
Hallie
She finishes signing with a flourish and then shoves it back across the desk at devil man.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Go ahead, do your worst.
Kyle
Did you do the 2 AP to bug it?
Hallie
I did not, actually. I saved my AP.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Thank you so much for that. My imps actually started towing it away already, so I was pretty worried about what would have happened if you weren’t signing it.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Wow, that feels very presumptuous and you are very lucky that I want to know where the rutabagas are going so badly.
Tom (as Hilda)
Also, how will we get home if you’re towing the car away now and we’re still here in {Fresh Thyme}?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Shh~!
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hilda, it’s okay, I got it all figured out.
Tom (as Hilda)
[Unsatisfied hum.]
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Anyways. Let me put that back in the whole ledger.
[Fire whooshes and crackles.]
Kyle
Whoosh. The paper goes up in a flame of smoke.
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Alright, rutabaga, rutabaga… So, we’ve got ramen, we’ve got the resto… Ah, yes, rutabaga.
Kyle
And swoosh, another flame of paper comes up.
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
This is all of the paperwork that we have on rutabaga. You will need to photocopy that, though. I do need a copy for my records.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Exasperated sigh.]
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
The copier is just in the office next door.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hilda, how good are you at photocopying?
Tom (as Hilda)
I can learn.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Alright. Great. That means neither of us knows how to do it.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music begins to threatening mysterious noir music.]
Bry (as Noir Irene)
I held in a sneeze as the dust and ash swirled through my nostrils. My assistant and I had made our way through the Ragtime District in pursuit of our phantom thief. As soon as we opened the doors to the restaurant, we were bombarded with the scent of stale food and old man cologne, yet not a person could be found. Chuck Beaver’s was as dead as the patrons who frequented it.
Kyle
Irene and Quique, you enter Chuck Beaver’s Emporium of Fun and Pizza, a place that was full of life and as much color as you can get in a monochrome area. As you walk through the front doors, it looks like a Chuck E. Cheese. You’ve got a bunch of arcade machines, but because these are old, they’re all the old physical arcade machines before you got digital ones.
I don't know if you’ve ever played these, but they’re actually really neat. There’s football for example, and it’s kind of like pinball, but there’s a bunch of other levers and stuff you can pull to simulate things like playing baseball. You’ve got a ball pit.
Ari
Oh no.
Kyle
All of the paint had led in it, so over the years that has just kind of faded off and it’s all a bunch of white balls in a sea of ooze that you probably shouldn’t be in. It is, at least when you first enter, completely silent.
Ari
[Uncomfortable sounds.]
Kyle
But Irene, your soul which… I don't know, that bit inside you feels like you’re close.
Emily (as Irene)
We’re close. I can feel it.
[Music ends.]
Ari (as Quique)
Ah yes, the classic feeling in your bones and your soul that a mystery is about to be unfolding.
Emily (as Irene)
It is not my bones.
Ari (as Quique)
Well no, in your case it is more metaphorical. In my case, it’s actually kind of literal most of the time. I feel everything in my bones, because I am my bones.
Hallie
[Giggles.]
Emily
I have a question. Can I feel specific directions, like a hot-cold kind of a situation?
Kyle
I can’t think of a roll for that, so give me a Heart.
Emily
Come on~
[Rolls.] Adjusted for my Heart, I rolled a 7.
[Magical ambiemt music begins.]
Kyle
You feel deep in your gut the way to go, almost as if you can hear a little “see-sawm…” reaching out to you. But, as you’re going in search of it, as you’re honing in and tuning out everything else…
[Music changes with a harsh sting to a muffled upbeat music and high-pitched tinnitus SFX.]
…you feel a splitting pain as this harsh light appears and this loud sound starts blaring in your ears.
[Music/SFX changes as we segue from Irene’s migraine to Quique’s perspective. The upbeat, Chuck E. Cheese style music is clearer, but still faint.]
Quique, you notice this as well. Some faint four lights on the stage, pretty dim, light up, and you can see the animatronics for Chuck Beaver’s Emporium of Fun and Pizza, and they’re weakly playing this little song. Not all of them are there. In fact, you can see some of the legs on some have been chopped off as if someone has just pulled out that animatronic. The only two left are Chuck Beaver, who is a beaver in a workman’s outfit, we’ll say construction outfit, playing a banjo.
[00:15:00]
Then, next to him, Driver Deer…
Hallie
[Snickers.] Driver Deer.
Kyle
…who is a buff deer on a unicycle. And they’re singing this little song as, on a little table… Most of them have the chairs over the top. One has actually been set up, and there is a little cake with a single candle on it.
Ari
Oh…
[Music fades.]
Emily
Irene has her hands over her ears and she’s kind of squinting, for no apparent reason to Quique, as she approaches.
Ari
Quique is still fully into the noir aesthetic, so he’s like:
Ari (as Quique)
Ah, yes, focusing only on the clues and trying to not have any extraneous input buck our creative detective work. That is a classic strategy from the second book of Les Detectstuff’s adventure.
Emily (as Irene)
Exactly. That is my strategy.
Emily
She says, wincing a little as he speaks right in her ear.
[Laughter and empathetic sounds.]
Kyle
Alright. Yeah, you walk up and you see the cake.
Emily
Is the candle lit?
Kyle
The candle is lit.
Emily (as Irene)
This seems like a fire hazard.
Ari (as Quique)
It sure does.
Ari
Does the cake have any name on it? Like, Happy Birthday Jimothy or something.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Roll me Investigate.
Ari
Okay.
Emily
I wanna do that too.
Kyle
If both of you want to Investigate, the way we handle that is that, Irene, you are going to help Quique. We’re gonna do the move Help a Friend. Essentially, you give a bonus to Quique based on your relationship score.
Emily
Oh no.
Ari
Oh no! But that’s a 0 for me, and a -1 for Irene. Right?
Emily
Yeah. It’s gonna move up after this, but it hasn’t… I haven’t changed my stats yet.
Ari
A negative .5, because it’s in the process of increasing.
[Elevator bossa nova begins.]
Kyle
The way Help a Friend works is essentially… when you help someone do something else, or if you are doing something at the same time to avoid multiple rolls, one of you will help the other. Now, each of you has a compatibility score with somebody else. It goes from -1, which is Frienemies, to +3, which is Family. How well you do is based on your compatibility score.
Compatibility score can change between sessions as relationships move and expand, but what are your compatibility scores right now?
Ari
Zero.
Emily
Negative 1.
Kyle
So, with compatibility scores, we default to the lower one. For example, while Lionel would give a relationship score of +2 or +3 with Quique, Quique would have a compatibility score of -1.
Ari
Oh please, -2. What, -1?
Kyle
So even if Lionel wants to be Quique’s friend, because of that mismatch, they’re not being super compatible. Again, it’s not how good of friends you are, it’s how well you work together.
Ari
All I can think of is Pacific Rim.
Kyle
So, with -1 Frienemies, Ari gains 1 AP and so does Emily.
Emily
Why?
Kyle
Because Ari does roll with disadvantage.
Emily
What if I spend an AP?
Ari
Yeah. What if my rolling with advantage is to cancel the disadvantage so it’s just a flat two dice instead?
Kyle
Perfect. How does Irene helping kind of get in the way but not really?
[Music ends.]
Emily
I feel like, because she’s still covering her ears on and off, her elbow is getting in the way of Quique trying to look.
Ari
Oh my god.
Emily
[Laughing.] Because she’s leaning in and it’s in front of him.
Kyle
Quique, normally this would get in the way of you, but today it isn’t. Why isn’t it getting in the way?
Ari
Because he thinks it’s a strategy, a potential silent strategy in case the culprit is nearby so the culprit doesn’t listen to this strategy. It’s a way for Irene to tell Quique to shift his focus a little bit, not to where he was looking but a little bit to the side of the cake to see if he gets a better hint that way.
Kyle
“This child is a mastermind playing four-dimensional chess!” I love it. I adore it. Roll, Ari, roll me a +Books.
Ari
Okay, a +Books. I have a +1 in Books. Heart of the dice…
[Rolls.] That’s an 11.
Emily
Woo.
Ari Yeah!
Hallie
Whoa!
Kyle
So, ask me a question. You’re investigating this table, this cake. What’ something you want to know the answer to?
Ari
Quique was just looking to see if the cake had a specific “Happy Birthday Jimothy.”
Kyle
The cake is in not perfect handwriting. This person clearly is not used to writing on cakes.
[00:20:00]
This is not a store-bought cake, this is home-made, but it does in fact say “Happy Birthday Ronda.”
Ari (as Quique)
Ah, so we have another clue here. Ronda. Do you know anybody named—Is your name Ronda?! Do you know anybody named Ronda? I realize I don’t actually know your name.
Emily (as Irene)
My name is not Ronda, and I do not know any Rondas. My name is Irene, the famous Necromon Trainer. I do not know if you have heard of me.
Ari (as Quique)
I don’t think I have heard of any Irenes except for the rival of Detective Les Detectstuff, Irene Peddler, who…
Kyle
Was equally as brilliant.
Ari (as Quique)
…who was equally as brilliant, which seems to be also the case for you. Truly, you are not an assistant, you are an equally brilliant detective rival.
Emily (as Irene)
Thank you. I appreciate your assessment.
Emily
Quique has gained Irene’s respect by treating her as an equal rather than a child.
Ari
While Quique’s just too into this.
Emily
Yeah, he’s just really into it.
Ari
This story. That’s just why.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, Ronda, okay… and she doesn’t know any Rondas. Hmm.
Kyle (as ???)
Oh hey, did someone say my name?
[Ambling quirky music begins.]
Kyle
You hear this shuffling and (thud), and the cake rattles a little bit as, emerging from underneath the table, you see the masked figure.
Hallie
Tuxedo Mask is just hanging out under the table.
Kyle
She is a woman who looks probably in her 30s or something like that. It’s a bit hard to see because she’s semi-translucent. She has a ghostly face, but she has curly wisps of orange hair poking out from the side of the mask.
Ari
Hmm… Oh yeah.
Kyle
So, we got the Phantom of the Opera mask on one side and on the other side just this really friendly, rosy-cheeked face with this curly orange hair. The figure fumbles up a little bit.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh yeah, uh… did someone say my name? I’m sorry. The fork fell on the ground.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
And she lifts up a little fork and places it next to one of two little paper plates.
Ari (as Quique)
Ah-ha! The clues add up. The mask, the name Ronda, the establishment… all of these point towards a single suspect, and it is you, Ronda.
Emily (as Irene)
Relinquish my Mossies!
Ari (as Quique)
And the missing Pik Pik.
Emily (as Irene)
And that!
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh yeah. Oh! Oh, are you guys, are you guys E?
Ari (as Quique)
Uh… right, that’s correct. A clue didn’t add up. E, in the note. Yes, we are in fact E.
Kyle
[Smiling.] Roll to Convince Somebody. Roll me Slick. You’re lying your ass off.
Hallie
I’m so proud of you.
Ari
I want to spend my last AP… I think it is my last AP… to do Why Would I Lie. If my character is lying, spend 1 AP to make whatever they’re lying about the truth.
Hallie
Oh my fucking god. Christ almighty.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Hallie
I’ve taken the lord’s name in vain yet again.
Ari
Did I destroy…?
Kyle
One second.
Ari
[Laughs.] I’m glad I have fucking destroyed…
Hallie
Kyle frantically redoing the mystery in his head.
Emily
Qu-“E”-que.
Kyle
Let’s put it this way. Let’s do it this way. Because you cannot literally be E unless we have some fucking flashback where Quique signs a letter.
Ari
Well, but…
Hallie
It’s in like slow-mo black and white, the way you do when you reveal “Keyser Söze was that all along?!”
Ari
Listen here. His name, Quique, is a nickname for Enrique which starts with the letter E. So, in reality, he is E!
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Well, you can’t be the person who wrote the letter unless Quique got… unless he got wasted on soul cider and wrote this arcane mystery.
Emily
One of the Quiclones survived!
Ari
Oh~! He’s the culprit all along!
[Dramatic revelatory noir music begins.]
Emily
Are you mad that wasn’t… that didn’t actually happen, Kyle?
Hallie
[Laughing and clapping.]
Kyle
…
Ari
I think you made it happen now, Emily. Oh my god.
[00:25:00]
Kyle (as QuiClone)
[Severe.] You solved the mystery… me!
[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]
Kyle
The players may have sabotaged my mystery, but you know what they can’t sabotage? The announcement break, which is where I’ve taken shelter now. Let’s get right into it.
Emily
[Squawks in the distance behind Kyle.]
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Emily
[Distant.] I sabotaged it! Screw you, Kyle!
Kyle
So, the first credit I wanna do today is I want to give a credit to Miles Morkri. We first worked months ago with Miles to create the intro theme for Quest Friends! Hereafter, and I brought them back to take that creepy song that I sang at the beginning of The Necromon Thief and adapt it to a more upbeat and honestly just as creepy Chuck E. Cheese version.
If you like that song and would like to download it, you can find a link to a free post on our Patreon below where you can download that for, again, completely free. But while you’re there, I’d encourage you to take a look at our Patreon subscriptions.
I know I mention it every episode, but we offer a lot of fun stuff for patrons, with 222 exclusive posts at the time of this episode’s release. Even if you only subscribe for one month, that’s over 200 pieces of new Quest Friends content including short stories, bonus episodes, GM notes, chat logs, and of course video outtakes where you can watch Hallie’s face turn beet red in real time as she dies from laughter or rage or sometimes both.
If you’re interested in financially supporting Quest Friends, Patreon is by far the most effective way of doing it. Plus, if you join now, you’ll get to have a say in what we do for Rest Friends, which is the pending name of our chill, hangout, talk, Patreon podcast that will start releasing once we get 50 backers.
Anyways, that’s enough advertising the Patreon. Again, if you just want the music, you can find a link below. You can download it for completely free. It is delightfully horrifying.
Down there in the description you’ll also find a link to PONTIFACTS and Totalus Rankium, and that is again to thank Bry from PONTIFACTS and Rob from Totalus Rankium for doing the noir monologues for The Necromon Thief. You’ll also find a link to our Twitch page because we are gonna be having a fun casual five-year anniversary stream on Sunday, September 25, our five-year anniversary, at 7 PM Central Time.
Me and the other players will be doing some Jackbox, we’ll be doing some Codenames, we might be doing some Channel A! which is by far my favorite Apples to Apples style card game. My favorite card game. It’s really good. You’ll see what it is when we get there, or you can just google Channel A! It’s a very good game. The point is, it will be fun and casual and chill, and if you wanna hang out on our Twitch to celebrate our five-year anniversary, you can hang out with us then and there.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode, Creature from the Camp Lagoon, will be releasing on Monday, September 19. I’ll see you then.
[Chuck Beavers’ song carries out of the announcements.]
Ari
[Smiling.] God damn it!
Kyle
You turn around and you see Aurelio Enrique…
Kyle (as QuiClone)
No! No! No! Don’t call me that name…
Kyle
Sticks on a mustache.
Kyle (as QuiClone)
It’s Eddie now.
[Laughter.]
[Tense noir confrontation music begins.]
Ari (as Quique)
You… It is impossible. You died. I saw you die, for real this time. As a dead person I understand what death feels like, and I saw it with my own eyes.
Kyle (as Eddie)
You saw Quique-2 die, but nobody thinks about Quique-3 or Quique-4… or Quique-5. It’s me, Eddie, E-D-D-I-E. Five letters! E! The fifth letter of the alphabet! I was the third Quique—
[Music ends abruptly.]
The fifth! I was—fuck. I was the fifth Quique.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
[Having trouble keeping character.] It was hard to keep us organized. I was the fifth one.
[Music returns.]
[00:30:00]
Ari (as Quique)
Ah, this is just like the 16th book in the Les novels where he meets with his arch nemesis, Stuff Detect-Les.
Hallie
[Loses her shit.]
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, you guys read those books too? I really like those. It’s a bit of—
Emily (as Irene)
Hush, Ronda.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, okay.
Ari (as Quique)
This is between us and him.
Emily
Irene has dropped her hands from her ears and is just staring open-mouthed, shaking her head just a tiny bit in confusion.
Ari (as Quique)
This is part of a previous incident of mine.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Incident? Incident?! That is what you would call us, isn’t it? Nothing more than a minor inconvenience, a minor incident with a Necromon box. Did you ever think about how that box worked, Enrique?
Ari (as Quique)
I just assumed that it multiplied things and destroying it would de-multiply things. Listen, I will be honest here. My existence here is sometimes kind of routine and everything. I wouldn’t want another one of me going through the same experience that I am going through.
[Music ends abruptly.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
[Shouting.] I’m not another one of you!
[Music gradually returns.]
I made that clear. You do day-in and day-out working with your nonsense at that Quimi-crap organization where I, with some help from interested parties, ascended.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
How dare you disrespect the name of Quimica.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, Quimica, those are the guys that make the Necromon Cards.
Ari (as Quique)
Ronda, this is not a conversation between…
Kyle (as Ronda)
Okay. I’ll just… I’ll just sit down.
Ari (as Quique)
Thank you, Ronda. Happy birthday, by the way.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Ari (as Quique)
I have detected it is your birthday today. We have detected it is your birthday today.
Kyle (as Ronda)
It is my birthday! It is my birthday. That’s why he—
Kyle (as Eddie)
Shut up, Ronda!
Ari (as Quique)
So, since we are in the part where the culprit tells about his plan before being foiled by the detective, tell me. What was your plan in this whole Necromon stealing?
Kyle (as Eddie)
You think I would monologue openly about this?
Ari (as Quique)
I’ve been monologuing openly about what I’m doing the entirety of this day.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
For the last time, I’m not you. But also, Ronda didn’t really understand my plan.
Kyle (as Ronda)
I just… I was told to gather some Necromon and then we’d have a little birthday party. It’s my birthday. Oh, you already… you congratulated me on that, so thank you.
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Do you know, Enrique, why Necromon can stay in this realm?
Ari (as Quique)
I never thought about it. No. I am not a Necromon aficionado. Perhaps Irene can. She has said that she is somehow a Necromon Champion. Can you illustrate that question?
Emily (as Irene)
I can answer this, as I am both a Necromon Champion and a Necromon aficionado. The reason that Necromon are able to stay here is by anchoring their very soul to another object or being such as a card or very occasionally a person, such as myself.
[Tense ambient music begins.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Yes. Yes, the Soul Bond, the thing that keeps us anchored. And I do mean us.
Ari
Oh no.
Kyle (as Eddie)
You see, Quique, that box—
Emily (as Irene)
Wait. Are you a Necromon?
[Music ends abruptly.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
[Stammers.]
Emily
[Grinning and giggling.] Wait. Wait. No. Everybody, everybody… pause. I would like to try to use my ability Wild Necromon Capture!
[Laughter.]
Kyle
How does the ability work?
Emily
You may acquire additional Necromon. While this doesn’t always require a roll, if you encounter a wild Necromon and want to capture it, roll +Fierce and take the steps based on your results below. Depending on the power of the Necromon, you may need to defeat it in a confrontation first.
Kyle
… Give me a roll to catch Quique.
Hallie
Eddie.
Emily
I would like to use an AP to roll with advantage.
Kyle
[Chuckles.] Okay. Roll with advantage to catch Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.
[Laughter.]
Emily
Well, not the real one.
Hallie
His name is Eddie, Kyle!
Emily
I’m catching Eddie.
Hallie
His name is Eddie! You have to respect that.
Kyle
Oh, you wanna catch Eddie?
Emily
Did you think I was trying to catch Quique?!
Ari
Yeah! Why would she catch me?!
Hallie
Yeah! Yeah?!
Emily
I’m not trying to catch Quique!
Hallie
Not gonna catch Quique! She wants to catch Eddie!
Ari
Why would she catch ME?! What? How did you get the clones confused?
Hallie
She wants to catch Eddie!
[00:35:00]
Emily
[Emotional.] I’m not catching Quique.
Ari
The effort of this episode, which is bonding with Irene… and completely fracture any opportunity.
Hallie
Completely undo it?
Ari
Any instance. That would just shatter.
Hallie
But catching rando Eddie? Yeah, that’s fine. That’s a whole different bag.
Kyle
Yeah, try, try—
Emily
Keep all of this in, us just yelling at you.
Hallie
Yes, you have to.
Emily
[Laughing.] “Why would Irene capture Quique?”
Hallie
[Laughing.] Capture Quique? Like…
Emily
[Rolls.] Okay, so it’s this +Fierce.
Hallie
Mm-hmm?
Emily
So… I rolled 14.
Hallie
[Loses control laughing, pounds on her desk.]
Emily
[Chuckling.] Eddie is my Necromon now.
Kyle
You can’t just kidnap a man!
Hallie
Who gets to voice Eddie? “I-eed.” That’s his Necromon name.
Ari
He’s a new Necromon for Irene!
Emily
He is my Necromon!
Hallie
“I-eed!”
Ari
God… this bonding went to unexpected levels.
Emily
We bonded in so many ways.
Hallie
Hilda’s gonna get a surprise next time you’re both at the Necromon battle tournament.
Ari
Ariel is gonna be like “what is my uncle doing in the field?”
Hallie
[Laughing.] Fuck! Oh my god, this is so horrifying.
Ari
It’s the fucking Aladdin thing. All universal power.
Hallie
[Incomprehensible through laughter.] …living space… no!
Kyle
… Describe how you catch Eddie, Emily.
Emily
Uh, so here’s the thing. I don’t have any Necromon Cards, but I feel like it would be very inappropriate to unwillingly Soul Bond someone.
Hallie
Are there any birthday cards for Ronda you could use?
Kyle
Happy birthday, Ronda… with a blank space for someone else to sign it. You can tell she’s written the “happy birthday, Ronda.”
Emily
Aww, Ronda!
Ari
Oh no~
Hallie
Oh, Ronda~
Kyle
Ronda had a whole sad backstory, you guys. It’s just out the fucking window.
Hallie
That we skipped! You can give Eddie as a birthday present to Ronda.
Kyle
Okay. If I understand correctly, while he is mid-monologue… Irene, do you just grab the card and whip it at him?
[Upbeat swing music begins.]
Emily
I grab the card and hold it between my pointer and middle finger and hold it in front of my face, and then turn it so that it’s covering my eyes, and then turn it back towards him, lower it, and then fling it at him.
Hallie
Christ.
Emily
Because Irene is nothing if not dramatic in her Necromon. She practices a lot, which is funny because she doesn’t use cards.
Kyle (as Eddie)
But unlike other Necromon, I am untethered! I am unshackled! And soon, your Necromon…
Kyle
And he reveals a box.
Kyle (as Eddie)
…will also be set—What the fuck is that? AHH!
Ari (as Quique)
Language! Come on!
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Before the last bony hand goes in, you see it just flip up a middle finger as he says:
Kyle (as Eddie)
Oh piss off, Quique!
Ari (as Quique)
Tu primero.
Ari
Which is just “you first.”
Emily (as Irene)
You ‘were’ unshackled.
[Music ends.]
I will let him out eventually.
Emily
Irene says as she kneels down and holds out her hands for the Mossie to come to her.
Kyle
The Mossie bites through the bars. It runs towards you.
Kyle (as Mossies)
See-sawm! See-sawm!
Kyle
And the other Mossies run towards it. You know, were it not for the fact that we have a scary animatronic band up there, we’ve just imprisoned a man in a card and everything else going around… it would be a really touching moment. Ronda cries.
Hallie
Ronda might be crying for several reasons.
Emily
Oh no. I just thought of something terrible.
Kyle
What?
Emily
What if I gave the card to Ronda and said “happy birthday, sign your name.”
[Laughter.]
Hallie
[Laughing.] What if it’s a gift thats [unintelligible]. Happy birthday, Ronda!
Kyle
It’s just a fucking Quique.
Emily
I’m not actually gonna do that.
Kyle
Oh please, though.
Emily
But this is an actual man. I can’t just imprison him.
Hallie
You’ve already sealed him in a card!
Emily
Well, I was gonna let him out.
Hallie
Maybe Ronda will let him out. You don’t know Ronda.
Emily
Okay…
Hallie
This is the start of a sitcom. Ronda and Eddie. One of them is in a card.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Really? This is for me?
Emily (as Irene)
Just so you understand, there is a sentient being trapped in this card. You may release him at any point.
[00:40:00]
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, okay. That will be great. Okay, cool.
Kyle
And she signs the card “Ronda Lite.”
Hallie
[Squeaking in laughter.] We’ve given Ron DeLite a Necromon! I hope you’re happy!
Ari
[Smiling.] The high-pitched laughter is here.
Emily
So do we now have to get back to where the scary animatronic band is chasing us? Because in that case…
Kyle (as Ronda)
You know, I’ve been having a recurring nightmare where I would meet you guys, and then I’d be chased, and I would need help, and the guy—
Kyle
I don’t fucking—How do we get…?
Ari
[Laughs.] You ended the session with… You started with the end, and the end has never arrived.
Emily
I think that’s just a good comedy. This is how roleplaying works. This is a good way to illustrate that sometimes the things you think are going to happen at the beginning of an improvised session do not happen.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Kyle
Alright. Hilda and Sparky, it’s been quite a while since we last saw you as you’ve been struggling to figure out how to use a photocopier. I didn’t have a specific time in mind, but it’s late. Maybe {Fresh Thyme} closes early on Sundays.
Tom
[Chuckles.] Yeah.
Kyle
The important thing is that it’s been long enough that Big Jake Hell goes home and just says—
Hallie
Goes home. The sun is down.
[Office ambience begins.]
Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Just turn off the lights when you’re done and all that kind of stuff.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay.
[Door closes. Photocopier sounds.]
Tom (as Hilda)
So Boss, um… you know I believe in all of your work, but I’m not always sure exactly what our story is for some of these investigations. I get a bad feeling about ScubaCorp, and I don't know why they’ve been so weird about Booker. Do you know something else about anything they’re doing? Is there something else that’s been causing harm with the rutabagas? Do we have any other clues? I’m not questioning the investigation of course, it’s a big scoop, but also… I’m not sure what exactly we are looking for.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hmm. You know, sometimes Hilda, when you ask a question, you aren’t really sure what you’re looking for either, you just know there’s a question and you need it answered. That’s what the rutabagas are for me. I maintain this is important to figure out. I maintain that we’re going to find very important information in these files that we are scanning.
Tom (as Hilda)
That makes sense. Although, we did break a lot of rules, I guess, to get back here.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, c'est la vie. Listen, there’s also… Do you remember that lake?
Tom (as Hilda)
Oh! Yeah, the cave, and…
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah-yeah, the cave, with the… with the…
Tom (as Hilda)
Rasputin.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, that’s his name. Rasputin. The Boidelrat man. Something weird happened down there, and I don't know if you’ve ever, um…
Tom (as Hilda)
Yeah, something weird happened to me too.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Really? What happened to you, kid?
Tom (as Hilda)
Well, I guess I must have passed out for a little while, and I think that’s when I found Booker. But I woke up tied to a tree. I don’t actually know what happened there, but…
Hallie (as Sparky)
Huh.
Tom (as Hilda)
That makes sense, if something weird from that was connected to the rutabaga.
[Gentle guitar music begins.]
But, why do you always bug Mr. Quique? Is there a specific thing he did that was really interesting for a scoop? Because it seems like he’s not that hard to talk to if you just give him a chance and don’t bug him too much.
Hallie (as Sparky)
No, no, there’s nothing… there’s nothing…
Look. Quique is from the Hereafter, and tabloids, they will pay a lot of money for good info about the Hereafter.
Tom (as Hilda)
It’s just about the money?
Hallie (as Sparky)
No-no, of course not. It’s, um, you know, uh…
Tom
Also, while this is happening, I want to do some classic sleight of hand using techniques from Babcia Ania’s book.
[Music fades.]
Kyle
Okay.
Tom
I would like to sleight of hand the card foil that has the page in it away from Sparky.
Hallie
Wow, fuck you!
Kyle
You wanna take it away?
Tom
Yeah.
Hallie
Fuck you! She’s pickpocketing me.
Tom
I’m specifically doing one of those coin-behind-the-ear tricks but without ever revealing the punchline, just the sleight of hand part where you sneak something.
Hallie
It’s just called theft.
Tom
I’m gonna spend 2 AP to succeed automatically.
Kyle
Yeah. Yeah, you have the page now.
Hallie
Fuck! I wanted that. God damn it.
Tom
“It looks like I learned a little too well from you, Boss,” is what I would say if I was caught, but I wasn’t.
Hallie
Fuckin’… Well, Sparky’s thinking about things while Hilda pilfers from her pockets.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, no, Quique, you know…
[Music returns.]
He’s always popping back and forth between this world and the Hereafter. You know, it’s just interesting that a lot of ghosts and netherworld creatures don’t really do that as much.
[00:45:00]
So I just, you know… I wanna know.
[Music ends.]
Tom
That makes sense, but I think you’ll have more success if you just let him tell you things on his terms instead.
Hallie (as Sparky)
He doesn’t have terms, kid.
Tom (as Hilda)
I mean, he’ll tell me things sometimes. You just gotta listen.
Hallie (as Sparky)
He tells you things?
Tom (as Hilda)
Yeah. I mean, that was because I went to his chemistry presentation at the fair, and then because I was interested and I didn’t know if I would like chemistry or not, I agreed to become his apprentice as well.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Snappy.] What?
[Silly music begins.]
Tom (as Hilda)
I’m learning both journalism and chemistry.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What?
Tom (as Hilda)
I can be an apprentice to more than one person.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Scoffs, indignant but defeated.] You didn’t sign a contract.
Tom (as Hilda)
I didn’t sign a contract with either of you, probably because that would be illegal and not binding as a child.
Hallie (as Sparky)
You’re apprenticed to Quique, and oh, he just talks to you all the time, huh?
Hallie
Sparky’s just muttering to herself. She’s not being, like… She’s just muttering to herself. She’s not yelling at Hilda or anything like that. Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah?
Hallie
Could I use my remaining two Adventure Points to automatically succeed in bugging Hilda’s backpack?
Emily
[Laughs.]
Tom
Wow.
Kyle
What the fuck?!
Hallie
You get what you take, Pitkin!
Kyle
Why?! Why are you bugging her backpack?
Hallie
Because Quique talks to Hilda! And I wanna hear about that. Also, Irene talks to Hilda, and I haven’t asked about Irene and Elliot yet. I need to know things.
Emily
[Chuckling.] Well, Irene is not gonna talk to Hilda about Elliot.
Kyle
This feels highly questionable.
Hallie
Okay, well that’s fair enough. Maybe I won’t do it.
Kyle
I’m sorry for X-Carding you bugging a child…
Hallie
That’s fine.
Kyle
…but I think this is too big of a violation of trust that doesn’t feel like it is a story beat that will come back. It will just feel like we will always have the conscience, like… we’ll always have the knowledge that you bugged a child who is not Irene.
Hallie
Alright, alright… yeah.
Kyle
If it was Irene, I’d say yes, absolutely, but Irene is a different class of child.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
Irene is my nemesis.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Tom
Wow.
Hallie
Yeah, we’ll just end that conversation with Sparky muttering to herself.
Kyle
Okay.
Tom
Fair.
Kyle
By the way, Sparky, do you take time to read the paper?
Hallie
Yeah. The papers we scan, yeah.
Kyle
You look at the paper and you see, you know, a bunch of common names, random workers, but the one name you see consistently for a buyer is someone named Sammy Ester.
I have a way I can close it at any point, but did anyone have anything else they wanted to do tonight?
Hallie
Yeah. I just wanted to text Lucas Bang “I need a ride.”
Tom
[Laughs.]
Hallie
With a period!
Emily
[Laughs.]
Kyle
You get “okay” with an exclamation point.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
He’s too excited. He can’t think about it.
Hallie
That’s so cute.
Kyle
He appears. You know he’s gonna drive an old beat-up pickup truck.
Tom
Yes~
Hallie
Oh yeah.
Kyle (as Lucas)
Hey there, Sparky. Oh! And the protégée.
Hallie (as Sparky)
The protégée, that’s right. You meet again.
Kyle (as Lucas)
Hello there.
Emily (as Booker)
[Flatly.] Rekoob.
Tom
Hilda is just keeping a stony face, no emotions.
Hallie
Ha!
Emily
One of Booker’s little eyestalks curls around to look Hilda in the eyes.
Hallie
As we’re getting in the car, I wanna…
Hallie (as Sparky)
You know, I passed along that package from Oset Scuba to Hilda that you gave me.
Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh yeah. I hope it…
Kyle
He looks back at you, Hilda.
Kyle (as Lucas)
I hope that answered some of your questions.
Tom (as Hilda)
Hmm, yeah.
Emily (as Booker)
[Uncertain.] Rekoob…
Emily
Booker turns his eyestalks back, both of them, to stare at Lucas Bang.
Kyle (as Lucas)
… Alright.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Then he goes back to driving.
Kyle (as Lucas)
You know actually, it’s been so long, I didn’t know how to get back to Out of Thyme. Maybelline, though, when I asked her, she knew the address immediately. Oh man, she can be so helpful sometimes, you know? A lot… but yeah.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, yeah, she seems really helpful. She’s really all up in your business, you know? And just kind of always around.
Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Maybe a little bit too much, you know? Like, getting to the point where it’s kind of annoying.
Kyle (as Lucas)
I mean, she’s just doing her job. That’s their responsibility. I had to work really—
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, so her job is to text you the address of the Out of Thyme grocery store? That’s a nice job because it’s only one thing.
Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, I mean, she does a lot of things. I actually had to convince her not to come along with me.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh. Why did she want to… why did she disapprove… why did she wanna come along?
Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh, you know, just organizations can be a bit overwhelming, a bit overbearing.
Hallie (as Sparky)
So they even control your—Aren’t you off the clock right now?
Kyle
Lucas Bang does a long hard stare out the front of the car.
[laughter.]
And is silent for the rest of the drive.
Hallie
I’ve struck… Oh no.
Tom
Oh god.
Hallie
This poor overworked man.
[Chill noir jazz music begins.]
Rob (as Noir Quique)
Now, you may be wondering yet again what exactly was with the opening to this tale.
[00:50:00]
When and how did the events concerning deadly animatronics and Ronda’s betrayal transpire?
Bry (as Noir Irene)
I was wondering, actually.
Rob (as Noir Quique)
Well, the answer, as it so often is with mysteries, is deceptively simple. They didn’t. Those events were not from my own tale but instead from the book I was reading. Les Detectstuff and the Animatronic Island. You see, the worst mistake you can make as a detective is assume you are ever safe from suspicion. Investigation is a war of information, and you never know when an actor with malicious intent has their eyes and ears set on you, waiting for you to slip up.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
The moon is obscured by the ScubaCorp Spacescraper. In one of this tower’s many high floors, a man holding a stack of boxes of rutabaga…
Hallie
[Emphasizing the plural.] –s.
Kyle
…sheepishly yet gracelessly weaves between other employees, occasionally brushing against them with the back of his sewn-together cloth hands or a string of his shaggy orange yarn hair.
[Oppressive sinister ambient music begins.]
This is Sammy Ester, the possessed stuffed doll that cohosted Irene and Hilda’s first duel. After a couple more near misses, Sammy accidentally bumps into another employee, this one covered head-to-toe in pink.
Hallie
[Grumbly.] Hmm.
Kyle
And his body can’t decide whether it wants to jump in fright or sulk in shame. He ends up doing both.
Kyle (as Sammy)
Oh, I’m sorry about that, Maybelline.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
[Suppressing anger with a smile.] Don’t worry about it.
Kyle
Maybelline says, her teeth clenched in a forced furious smile.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
You’re just working so hard for Mr. Scuba, and that’s why he likes you… second-most. [Sarcastic giggle.]
Kyle (as Sammy)
Uh… yeah. I’m just gonna go deliver these.
Kyle
And he awkwardly shuffles off. As he leaves, we can see Maybelline just casually tossing a rutabaga she stole from his box as she continues listening to this little earpiece in her ear that is blinking like the business card she gave you at the end of ‘Bang! Bang!’ She just murmurs to herself.
[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]
Kyle (as Maybelline)
So, they’re wary of the page, but the book will do anything to find it. Wow, you can learn a lot of things from a good bug.
[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]
Kyle
That’ll be the end of the episode.
Hallie
You wouldn’t let me bug a child.
Kyle
The second you said “you can learn a lot of things from a good bug,” Hallie, I was like—
Hallie
[Shouting.] Ugh, my god!
Kyle
Maybelline’s heard that. Maybelline heard you say that.
Hallie
Oh my god. She stole my fucking words. I said that.
Tom
She did it intentionally.
Hallie
I said that!
Tom
To mock you from afar.
Hallie
Yeah! I didn’t even get it.
[Laughter.]
Tom
Oh~
Hallie
What the fuck, Maybelline? I wanna fight her.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Thanks a lot, you guys. You know, when I got the weird mysterious email for my birthday saying that, if I did some things for them, we could have a birthday party… I actually thought it was a scam. You guys are great. I can’t think of a way that anything could go wrong.
Kyle
And that’s when everything went wrong, and we smash cut to you running away from— [Laughs.]
Hallie
[Laughs.] It just spontaneously comes to life.
Kyle
We don’t even explain how it happened.
Hallie
No!
Ari
I mean, if you’re in a place with animatronics, it’s going to happen.
Hallie
It’s the Ragtime guy. I don't know. He’s back, possessing animatronic animals.
Kyle
Quique, you see Ronda’s like:
Kyle (as Ronda)
Wait! I’m sorry I betrayed you… by taking the last piece of cake. I just thought I could because it was my birthday.
Kyle
You can see she’s being pulled by the beaver animatronic.
Ari
No~!
Hallie
No! Ronda, no!
Kyle
And Quique, you rolled a failure on Help Somebody, so how do you fail to help her?
[Laughter.]
Ari
Oh no!
[00:55:00]
Oh no… but I wanna help her. No…
Emily
Am I not there? Can I not salvage this? I wanna have a whole cool, uh… teach you how to Necromon thing.
Ari
This poor child does not deserve…
Emily
I wanna do a thing!
Hallie
Pokeyo will help! Can Pokeyo help? We’re all attached to Ronda now.
Kyle
I’m trying to figure out if I want to make Ronda a teen so that she can be part of the Intermortal Necromon Championship, because if she’s in her 30s she can’t.
Hallie
Look, Rasputin made it work.
Emily
I mean, there’s also the option that you just have Necromon showcases and someone just walks past.
Kyle
That’s true.
Emily
And it’s like, newbie Necromon showcases, and it’s just Quique.
Hallie
Because in later Pokémon games, they have, like…
Ari
Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
Emily
Oh!
Hallie
Sporty contests! Because all the Pokémon have little adjectives. And you can enter your Pokémon.
Ari
Does this mean I will have another one of my characters in a fucking fashion contest? Another clone of my character in a fashion contest. Spandex again?
Emily
[Laughs.] You thought it could only happen once!
Hallie
And like, I know what you’re thinking, which is “oh no, parading a living man, maybe not good,” but what if this is what Eddie needs? What if Ronda and Eddie discuss it off-screen?
Ari
But also, Quique now has to evaluate what does this mean that this clone got trapped in a card. Can he get trapped in a card?
Kyle
Is Quique a Necromon? Who knows?!
Hallie
Plot twist.
Ari
And how many other clones are around. He mentioned more than one. Was he the only one that survived? Will there be more plots? All of these are questions that now remain.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Take notes, Hilda. I’m about to crack this case wide open.
Tom (as Hilda)
What did you sign up for?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Car repairs.
Tom (as Hilda)
That’s a good thing.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Grumbles.]
Emily
[Laughs.]
Tom (as Hilda)
We had to circle the parking lot for ten minutes looking for a spot we could pull through.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
I love that we have a dramatic noir mystery and then Sparky and Hilda go to the grocery store and have an amicable talk with…
Hallie
The devil.
Kyle
I mean, you didn’t do anything to piss him off.
Tom
He’s Big Jake Hell.
Hallie
He’s Big Jake Hell, man. Yeah.
Kyle
He’s a nice small-business man. He makes fair deals.
Hallie
I’m not gonna piss off Jake Hell. He’s doing his thing.
Kyle
Does Alexander Hamilton shill cryptocurrency now?
Hallie
Oh no! Oh god…
Tom
The thing is, he probably would.
Kyle
And he’s around in this world.
Tom
I have spent quite a bit of today on my drive home listening to Alexander Hamilton’s contemporaries and their bullshit economic theories and just naked self-interest, so yes, I think Alexander Hamilton would have been into cryptocurrency.
Kyle
I’m putting in now, “Alexander Hamilton shills crypto,” because that’s a fact.
Tom
When it blew up, he would have claimed that his mistress stole all of his NFTs.
Kyle
“She stole all my apes! All of the apes are gone!”
Alright, well we can stop the recording now. I don’t… [Ends in a big grin.]
Hallie
There’s nothing left.
Kyle
What the fuck?
Hallie
That’s all she wrote, folks.
Kyle
What the fuck happened?
Hallie
This is my favorite episode.