13. Creature from the Camp Lagoon

Transcript by Raina Harper
[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle
Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the Under the Neighborhood roleplaying system. I am Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about camping in a world where those ghostly campfire stories are dreadfully real.

Ari
Hello. I am Ari, she/her, and I play Aurelio Enrique – Quique, for short – Hueso Canaca, the opportunist who adapts, who is he/him.

Emily
I am Emily, my pronouns are they/them, and I play Irene Hawthorne, the Necromon Trainer who overextends, and her pronouns are she/her, and Kyle got me sick.

Hallie
[Chuckles.]

Tom
Is this true, Kyle?

Kyle
I was gonna wait until everyone introduced themselves.

Emily
Screw you!

Kyle
It’s not Covid, it’s just a cold, but also, what a cold it has been.

Hallie
[Dramatic.] “What a cold it has been!”

Kyle
[Coughs.]

Ari
I think you should go to the doctor for that.

Kyle
Well, I’m feeling better now. Emily’s parents said we shouldn’t go yet, said it’s not yet time.

Ari
Okay.

Emily
They said keep an eye on it but give it a little longer just because it puts us at risk for other, like… actual Covid and stuff.

Tom
They are doctors, so they’re okay to say that.

[Laughter.]

Emily
Oh yeah.

Tom
It’s okay for them to say don’t go to the hospital for this.

Kyle
Who are we on now? I think we’re onto Tom.

Tom
Yeah, I think it is me, indeed. My name is Tom, and my pronouns are he/him. I am playing Hilda Miszkiewicz, the guardian who plays pranks. Her pronouns are she/her.

Kyle


Tom
Did I fuck something up immensely?

Kyle
No, this is just me getting ready for Hallie.

Tom
Oh, okay. Phew.

Ari
I feel like there’s always this pause after we introduce that Kyle does and it’s like, “did I say something wrong.”

Kyle
No, it’s always me waiting for the next person. I’m so sorry.

Tom
[Laughs.] It’s okay. It’s okay.

Kyle
I actually edited the last time we fucked up introductions a lot. I remember it because there was a lot of thought people were putting into theirs. I think Ari and Emily were the two who got it right, and I know one of them had to put an extreme amount of mental effort into making sure they got it right.

Emily
I think that was me.

Ari
I was gonna say I think that was me, so I don't know.

Kyle
All I know is that Hallie went last, and I think it was the standard where she thought she got it but I think she missed Sparky’s pronouns or something.

Hallie
Whoa, whoa, whoa… Whoa.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Ari
Whoa!

Hallie
My name’s Hallie, my pronouns are she/her, and I play Sparky Malarky, the intuition who investigates whose pronouns are also she/her. Did I nail it that time? I did. Keep that in.

Ari
You did!

Hallie
Yeah! Yeah!

Kyle
You did nail it. You nailed it like she’s not nailing the Bang.

Hallie
Whoa, whoa… not yet.

Ari
Oh! Wow, low cut.

Tom
Oh my god.

Hallie
That was… I nailed an intro and you punish me this way. Why would I ever succeed at anything ever again?

Kyle
[Laughs.] Alright. Now that we’ve introduced ourselves, which will probably be like three minutes in the edit but has been seven minutes in the recording…

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Before we start each adventure, we start with a Slice of Life Complication where each of our players is going to suggest a mundane thing that is going wrong in someone else’s life. Before we begin, a reminder that this is open for everybody and you are all doing a camping trip. So, if it’s something like “Sparky’s TV doesn’t work,” we… actually, we could make that work, but you get what I’m saying.

Hallie
Her house moves, so you know, it could just be there.

Kyle
How are you gonna take it there, Sparky? You don’t have a van.

Hallie
[Breathy.] … Fuck.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Hallie
God damn it! Ugh!

Tom
Was that your entire plan?

Hallie
… No.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Emily
I have a question for Quique.

Ari
Oh no. What is the question?

Emily
Is Quique good at identifying plants?

Ari
No.

Emily
Lovely.

Ari
He’s not a plant lover. He likes plants okay, but…

Emily
Quique walks through the ghost equivalent of poison ivy.

Ari
Oh god. Why?

Tom
Deadly nightshade!

Kyle
Quique walked through deadly nightshade.

Ari
Oh, that’s good.

Kyle
Beautiful. Alright, who’s next?

Ari
I had one related to Sparky’s van because I forgot she didn’t have a van, so I’m gonna change it to… the camping doesn’t have any outlets for electrical equipment.

[00:05:00]

Kyle
[Severe.] It’s true camping, kiddos.
I don't know why I had Lucas Bang really angrily say that, but no electricity.

Ari
Oh, there might be electricity, there’s just not outlets specifically. You don't know if there’s electricity.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Electricity… no outlets.

Hallie
Did you forget something, Mr. Architect?

Tom
I have a complication for Irene this fine evening. On the pre-camping checklist at the ranger station, Irene only got a 98.5% readiness. Minor points were lost for slightly inappropriate equipment.

Ari
Oh no!

Tom
Like, these shoes, while they technically qualify, are not the ideal hiking boots we would like, or something like that. Or, this bug spray is not quite in the range that we prefer here. We wanna be very careful for the natural environment.

Emily
She would be so angry for the entire rest of the trip.

Kyle
I’m just imagining Irene overcompensating by bringing just a giant sack of every single tool that she can. “I will have everything prepared!”

Hallie
Here’s a crowbar. Here’s a hammer. They’re not even camping-related tools.

Kyle
Alright. Then Hallie, what is your complication?

Hallie
Mine is for… Actually, it could be anyone, but I imagine one of the children. Likely Irene, because I think it will drive her particularly nuts. The compass doesn’t work, so the direction of true north keeps changing.

Ari
Oh my god.

Emily
It would be so upsetting for her.

Tom
If it’s allowed, I wish to fuse my suggestion with Hallie’s. That compass is the reason for the mark-down.

Ari
Yeah, I really like the Irene complications. She did have one before, but I think this would truly drive her angry about it, and I want to see that.

Hallie
I agree. I like the Irene ones or no electricity. I’m sorry, electricity but no outlets.

Ari
Yeah, electricity but no outlets.

Tom
I’m fond of all of these, so I am okay with anything.

Hallie
Why don’t we just do them all? Like, let’s just… you know.

Kyle
We can just say, when we do facts about the camp, that it has no outlets and that it is surrounded by deadly nightshade.

Ari
I like that.

Kyle
Alright.
[Upbeat recap music begins.]
So, last month, last adventure, Quique and Irene teamed up to stop someone who had been stealing Necromon. It turns out that the thief was honestly some 30-year-old who just wanted someone to celebrate her birthday.

Hallie
[Affectionately.] Ronda.

Kyle
And the true mastermind was Eduardo, also known as Eddie, one of the Quiclones. Meanwhile, Sparky and Hilda did some more investigation into the rutabaga…

Hallie
[Emphasizing the plural.] ‘–gas.’

Kyle
…and into that blank ripped-out page Oset Scuba gave to Lucas Bang to give to Sparky to give to Hilda. To give to Booker, maybe? They have found out that the rutabaga are all being sold to Sammy Ester of ScubaCorp, and they haven’t found out anything about the page, although it is notable that Hilda did quietly, and without Sparky’s knowledge, steal the blank page from her for her own purposes.

Tom
[Stammering.] It was just… Sparky took it from Hilda, so Hilda took it back.

Hallie
[Indignant.] I gave it back! … Oh, I didn’t, I guess. You had to steal it. I guess I did not give it back.

Tom
You didn’t, because I stole it back.

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Yeah… Yeah, alright, you got a point.

Tom
Look. This is Sparky’s influence on Hilda, being underhanded instead of just honest about your feelings.

Hallie
It’s a good life skill, some would say.

Tom
The real big reveal is that… What was it, Out of Thyme? Is that the name of the store?

Kyle
Out of Thyme.

Tom
The only way I remember it is remembering it’s a death pun. But, Out of Thyme is owned by Big Jake Hell.

Kyle
Owned by Big Jake Hell, a very friendly southern demon man who also owns a place called Hellish Impound and agreed to give Sparky the information about ScubaCorp provided she let him take in the van for basic repairs.

Hallie
Which are apparently taking a month of time.

Tom
I imagine they were not actually very basic because of how badly Sparky has run the car into the ground.

Kyle
Yeah. I’m imagining Big Jake Hell is just racking up a giant list of costs for repairing your car, but he’s just sitting there, like…

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)
Somehow, by repairing it a little bit, I have made the car a bigger hazard on the roads, so we have got to fully repair this thing.

Kyle
At least when you couldn’t go in reverse you couldn’t accidentally gun it in reverse, because it turns out when you could go in reverse it was 0 to 60.

Hallie
That sounds like a benefit to me.

[00:10:00]

Kyle
Yeah, and that’s why Big Jake Hell is the one fixing it before he gives it back to you.

Hallie
Well, he’s not getting paid, so I hope he’s happy.

Kyle
But since that last adventure, what has everybody been up to?

[Cheerful music begins.]

Hallie
Since my van has been gone, Sparky has gotten very into rollerblading around town. Not roller-skating, rollerblading, because that’s for grownups when it’s just the one line of wheels. I found them in the junkyard in which I live and they are mine now because they are my only source of transportation.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Hallie
So, when I go grocery shopping, I’ve got a little belt and I hook a little movable cart to the belt and then I skate and the cart’s behind me and it’s really fun. I’ve been using that for all my shopping and whatnot.

Kyle
I’m just imagining that Sparky is actually enjoying this so much more than the van but she refuses to admit it.

Hallie
It’s a mixed bag. The van was her thing, the van was her baby.

Emily
But yes.

Hallie
But yes. I’m trying to think of another reason “but no,” but it’s really just yes.

Kyle
[Laughs.]

Hallie
She’s trying to think of ways to get into ScubaCorp to follow up with this Sammy Ester thing. She found out Sammy Ester was of ScubaCorp, or did we just find out it was Sammy Ester and we happen to know he’s with ScubaCorp out of character?

Kyle
So, it’s torn. No one has ever explicitly said it, but Sammy Ester was the person who replaced Lucas Bang as the emcee for Hilda and Irene’s tag-team duel, and Lucas Bang did say that Oset chose his replacement. So, yeah, roll me to Understand.

Hallie
To Understand?

Kyle
I wanna see how this investigation goes with him.

Hallie
Which stat is Understand?

Kyle
Books.

Hallie
Ha-ha! I have a +3 in Books today, suckers.
[Rolls.] Wow, that fucking sucks. I got an 8. I got a fucking 8 with my +3.

Tom
I mean, you turned a failure into a mixed success.

Hallie
I suppose I did.

Kyle
I’m gonna say, by searching Sammy Ester, you do find a handful of Sammys and one of them happens to be someone talking about this guy who emceed a duel alongside Chazz Casey.

Hallie
Okay. That means I have to call Chazz…

Kyle
[Laughs.]

Tom
Hilda has spent the last couple of weeks going down the rabbit hole of a new hyperfixation. She sprangboard from trying to look up how Necrocards work to looking up the history of how Necrocards were made to looking up the history of Quique’s old company that used to make Necrocards to the history of chemical processes in research…

Ari
Oh… Oh yes.

Tom
…and is now deep into 17th Century scientists and trivia about their lives, and also alchemy.

Ari
Alchemy.

Tom
Mm-hmm.

Hallie
Love that.

Emily
Irene also did research for a while because she convinced herself that, because she’s the best at everything, she would also be the best at pranking and that she was going to get revenge on Hilda for all of Hilda’s completely harmless lighthearted pranks.

Tom
I don’t even think Hilda’s actually pranked Irene very much.

Emily
No. But then she realized she wasn’t good at it and quietly stopped.

[Laughter.]

Hallie
And told no one so that no one could prove “hey, you’re not very good at this, at this one thing.”

Emily
Yes. Booker may or may not have stolen one of her books about it, to eat in the corner.

Kyle
I like to believe that half of the pranks recently—because Hilda’s been so focused on this deep-dive rabbit hole, that most of the pranks have just been Booker being an asshole, secretly behind the scenes.

Emily
That’s fair.

Ari
Quique is, you know, a regular old fashioned man, so he doesn’t have a lot of new things that happened in this month other than providing Hilda with books and any info that she might want about chemistry and the history of chemistry and even alchemy, because he may or may not have been around when alchemy was a thing.
[Laughter.]
Nobody knows. I’m not gonna confirm nor deny, and neither will he.

Kyle
One of my first thoughts was Quique’s got some hot goss. “Oh, that guy? Real asshole.”

Ari
He would also say that, too. If he speaks about these old chemists, he will also speak of them as if he knew them personally. Who knows? Maybe he just speaks like that, or maybe he knew them.

Kyle
It’s true. Additionally, in the past month, the Necromon tournament has been going on. How have Hilda and Irene been doing in the tournament?

[Music ends.]

Emily
Winning everything.

Tom
Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’ve been crushing it lately.

Emily
Have you been crushing it as much as I have been crushing it? Because I think maybe not.

Tom
Well, sounds like there’s only one way to settle that.

Emily
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Yeah. You’ve been crushing it. You have been defeating a handful of single-off, gimmicky trainers.
[00:15:00]
You’ve encountered Rasputin at least two more times, both of them under the disguise of a different Romanov child. But, you have been progressing, and other members of your dueling club have been struggling a bit more. Even Walnut, who had been one of the highest members in the class, probably third-best performance-wise behind you and Irene, has been dropping off and losing more as well.

Tom
Poor Joey Wheeler, third place yet again.

Hallie
[Sad laugh.] Oh no~ Don’t say that.

Kyle
But, dae hasn’t been letting it get daem down, and you’ve been noticing as Walnut has been falling behind even more, Hilda, that dae has been really being like “let’s duel practice some more, let’s do it, let’s rival it up, rival,” which is just daer way of saying I wanna practice.

Emily
Aww.

Kyle
And so, while spirits still seem high, the Necromon Dueling Club eventually decided, you know what, we’re getting further in the tournament, maybe it’s time for us to have just a nice little retreat not focused on dueling. This is where we find all of you right now.
[Relaxing guitar music begins.]
It is currently a bit chillier than it usually is in the Valley because you are higher up on the mountains. Instead of just the desert and the heat, you now actually have a couple of trees. You can even see, probably a couple miles up, there’s a bit of snow.
The four of you are walking up, you’re making your way to camp. Right now it is Hilda, Irene, and everybody from Sixth Grade and higher including Walnut and, even though Freddie isn’t part of the group, he’s just there. No one can say no to Freddie. In addition to this half, the older half of Necromon Dueling Club, you have got your only two chaperones.

Tom
Only two?

Kyle
There are gonna be some folks at the camp as well, but for chaperones that came from home, somehow we only ended up with Sparky and Quique.

Hallie
Frankly, I can’t believe Sparky was even approved to be, like… a person.

Tom
Same.

[Music ends.]

Kyle
Yeah, so how did this come to be?

Hallie
I feel like this was probably Alina. “Sparky, this would be so good for you. I have an opening at this camp that I am involved in for some reason, because I’m involved in literally every event that happens in this god forsaken town.”

Kyle
Oh, you don’t know how she’s involved with that camp.

Hallie
Don’t say that.

Kyle
Yulia just got a big smile in the corner when she realized that, when you were talking to Alina.

Hallie
Sparky was pretty not-okay with going, and then Alina was like “oh, well Lucas Bang is chaperoning also,” and Sparky was like I’ll fucking do it! So here she is with all these kids she doesn’t like except for one.

[Chuckling.]

Ari
For me, there’s two possibilities. Is it all the grades? Is Yunuen going to be there or not?

Kyle
It is specifically Sixth Grade and higher. Ariel is actually leading the part of the camp for the younger kids, and they’re going off someplace else to this littler kid friendly camp.

Ari
Okay, then I have another suggestion. I think he accidently got roped into that. He probably went to the school at the wrong time to look for Hilda, trying to give her another ancient alchemy book for her to peruse.
He was just like, “I’m looking for this kid” or whatever, and they were trying to find another chaperone, and it was like “ perfect, we need somebody for this specific grade. You’re looking for a kid of this one grade, so come on in,” and he just couldn’t say no at that point because it was just too fast for him to register what was happening. He still has the book. He hasn’t been able to give it to Hilda yet.

Kyle
My thought was you run into Mr. Jimothy.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)
Yeah, this is great. We need another person for the school tour. I can’t do it even though I’m the head of the club—

Kyle
—or whatever. I forgot what he sounds like. Yes, I love it, I adore it. Yeah, so this is where you all are; a gaggle of teenagers, a woman who wishes she still was one, and a skeleton. You’re currently climbing the rest of the way up to camp.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Ari
I assume they are in a line. Quique would go to the opposite side of where Sparky is.

Ari (as Quique)
You should take that side. I will take the front. That is the way that this works.

Ari
Hopefully Hilda is on the front so he can give her the book.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. If we’re splitting sides, I’m taking the side with Hilda on it. What do you mean taking this? Hilda is my protégée.

Ari (as Quique)
You know, there’s plenty of time for me to give Hilda this book. It’s okay. I am not fighting battles in this manner.

[00:20:00]

Hallie
[Laughs.] Wow.

Ari (as Quique)
We are somehow in the same location at the same time. It’s not ideal whatsoever. But, you know, I pick and choose my battles, and this is not one of them.

Ari
And I’m gonna go to the back.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah… Yeah!

Kyle
Where “would” Hilda and Irene be? Because I think we all know where Irene would be in the line.

Emily
Well… would she?

Kyle
Would she not be line leader?!

[Music changes to whimsical childlike music.]

Emily
She would want to be line leader, but if we’re hiking, she would be slowly trailing further and further behind.

Kyle
Oh…

Hallie
Oh no~!

Emily
And then insisting that she was just making sure that none of the smaller children felt upset by being the last. It’s actually even better than line leader.

Tom
Hilda would have started in the middle of the pack but not actively following a clear line, because these hikes immediately devolve past that.

Kyle
Yeah.

Tom
But upon noticing Irene lagging would have attempted to very casually lag behind, as if she was slowing the group down instead of falling back to walk alongside Irene.

Emily (as Irene)
Ah, another small child who I have helped to make feel more comfortable in—

Kyle (as club member)
I’m 16 years old. Stop acting like I’m real small!

Emily
[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)
But you are smaller than me,

Emily
Irene says, a foot shorter, with her little legs going so hard.

Ari
Aww.

Tom (as Hilda)
Yeah, I appreciate you walking with me, Irene. It means a lot.

[Music ends.]

Emily
Irene doesn’t know how to respond to that, so she turns slightly red because it was something that was actually nice but also she’s embarrassed that she doesn’t know how to respond or can think of a snarky comeback, because it was just genuinely really nice.

Kyle (as Walnut)
Oh! Are the two champions discussing strategy back here? Freddie, we gotta figure out what they’re saying.

[Cheery silly music begins.]

Kyle
Suddenly, Walnut just slams to the back of the line alongside the rest of you as Freddie just casually walks over.

Kyle (as Freddie)
Oh, are we having a little discussion of things? I thought we were not supposed to discuss dueling on this trip.

Kyle (as Walnut)
Well, that’s how the champions get ahead. They keep on going regardless. They keep on doing the dueling.

Emily (as Irene)
Actually, we were walking in very solemn and mature silence.

Tom (as Hilda)
But you guys can join us if you want.

Kyle (as Walnut)
Mature silence? Yeah, we can do that. … [Clapping sounds.]

Emily
Irene turns wide-eyed to stare down Walnut.

Kyle
Walnut is just slapping daer leg in twitchy energy.

Tom (as Hilda)
If you wanna talk about Necromon, Walnut, I’m happy to hear about Necromon.

Kyle (as Walnut)
Oh, thank goodness! I’ve been thinking a little bit about Odacova and trying to figure out how to maximize its strategy. Now, Freddie gave me a couple of ideas. I mean, Freddie’s the one who gave me Odacova after all, because Odacova is more of a support Necromon, and I’m just used to the big strong ones.

Kyle (as Freddie)
I did. I found Odacova… Where did I find Odacova?

Kyle
So yeah, the two of them start going off. Quique and Sparky, you notice the line which was going back and forth is now suddenly shifting ever-so-subtly into a horizontal line as everyone marches side-by-side in this back row.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh god. Oh, this is gonna be… This is gonna be…

Tom
We’re just a clump on the trail.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Alright kids, we’re Cliffside. We’re Cliffside. You gotta go more or less single file here.

Ari
The thing is, Quique’s also just paying attention to the front pack of the line. He just lets Sparky handle the back.

Tom
Quique’s trailblazing.

Kyle
There’s always the couple of kids who are just speeding ahead of everyone else.

Hallie
Oh yeah, you gotta rein them back a little bit.

Tom
For sure.

Kyle
Alright Sparky, roll me Convince Somebody. I want you to do Books since you’re trying to convince them with facts and logic, that being if you get too close to cliff you fall and that bad.

[Music ends.]

Hallie
Falling is bad, kids.
[Rolls.] Ten.

Tom
Nice.

Kyle
Yeah, the kids start slowly moving back to single file.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I am so good at camp. Quique! You see how I got this line straightened out back here?

Ari (as Quique)
I’m sorry, Sparky, I can’t hear you over how good I am at figuring out where the camp is and leading the kids along while not letting them stray too far from the pack.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Wow, you’re a really bad liar, Quique!

Ari (as Quique)
That is factually not true.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

[00:25:00]

Emily
At the point that Sparky’s like, “look at how good I’m doing,” Irene immediately trips.

Kyle
Right down on the ground.

Tom
What a flex.

Hallie
Yeah, what a fucking flex.

Tom
Hilda understands none of this and is just like:

Tom (as Hilda)
Oh my gosh! Are you okay, Irene?

Emily
Irene pops back up.

Emily (as Irene)
Yes, I am fine. It was a ruse.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)
Uh, oh… Oh? Who were we tricking?

Emily (as Irene)
Well, I have read that, in the wild, sometimes animals will go for the weakest prey, and so if they think I am the weakest prey, they I can surprise them with my incredible skills and therefore this is the best way for me to metaphorically lead the line.

Tom (as Hilda)
Oh… Hmm.

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Kyle
As you say that, Irene, in between some of the trees you can swear you see the shadow of a figure for a second.

Emily (as Irene)
Do not despair, children. I will protect you.

Tom
Aww.

Kyle
No one listens, and when you look again the creature is gone.

[Music ends.]

Tom
Hilda, looking concerned and confused, is just like:

Tom (as Hilda)
Oh… okay Irene, but we should probably not deceptively fall next to this cliff.

Emily (as Irene)
Ah yes, that is a fair point, and that is what I would also think if I were not privy to the internal workings of a nature genius. The internal workings are of me.

Tom (as Hilda)
[Uneasy.] Oh… Oh—Okay.

[Laughter.]

Kyle
Alright. You all keep on walking until you find yourself in front of a lovingly painted sign that says Camp Lagoon.

Tom
[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as ???)
[Loud and enthusiastic.] Well HELLO there, campers from the VPS Necromon Dueling Club! How is everybody doing today?!

Tom (as Hilda)
Uh, doing good.

Emily (as Irene)
Well. I am doing well.

Kyle (as ???)
… Alright!

[Energetic rock music begins.]

Kyle
In front of you, you all see a man. Now, this is a man some of you are familiar with, some very small, some in much more detail. This man is a classy cowboy with a hint of rock star wearing a brown outfit and golden trim. He is Chazz Casey from Scorpion Radio and also owner of Camp Lagoon.

Kyle (as Chazz)
Over the course of this weekend, I and my good assistant, who some of you may know… Wink.

Kyle
And he does in fact narrate the wink.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
…are going to teach you all about the wonders of nature with Necromon.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)
Woo~ [Light clapping.]

Tom
Hilda does polite applause and just enough excitement to let everyone know that she is interested.

Emily
Irene does a golf clap.

Kyle (as Chazz)
Alright. Alright. Now, everybody get on in! If you need any help with anything, be sure to ask me or ask my assistant over there. Let’s give him a welcome. Alright, Mr. Bandit, if anybody needs your assistance, get on over here.

Kyle
You can see, sporting a similar cowboy outfit—not his bandit outfit but instead one that is just a much more casual cowboy outfit—you can see Lucas Bang sheepishly comes up.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Yeah kids, if you need anything, just feel free to ask me.

Kyle
And Chazz Casey and Lucas Bang, the Aggressive Bandit, come down to grab some of your supplies.

Hallie
Sparky was not aware this was Chazz Casey’s camp, and I assume Alina was, and this was kept from Sparky. Is that correct?

Kyle
Oh, that is 100% correct, yes.

Hallie
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Sparky’s just pinching the bridge of her nose. She’s unhappy with this development.

Kyle
Yeah. In fact, as you’re all getting in, Chazz looks at you…

Hallie
No.

Kyle
…and he just winks.
[Fun country rock music plays.]
So, Chazz Casey, in addition to being a member of PICLE is actually your oldest friend from PICLE.

Hallie
[Weakly.] Yep.

Kyle
You and Chazz met in elementary school at Wimbledette Academy School for Prim and Prodigious Young Ladies, a name that turned out to be woefully inaccurate for both of you. You both really connected really hard in elementary school, and you still remained friends as you got older although you ended up getting some separate friend groups and reconnecting again in high school. Chazz is actually the one who introduced you to Lucas Bang, because Chazz and Lucas are thick as thieves.

Hallie
BFFs. Love that for them. Unironically, as Hallie, I do. Sparky’s just mad about a lot of things.

[00:30:00]

Kyle
Since then, Chazz Casey, who we have seen before, is known for being the Valley’s premier radio host. He is the head of Scorpion Radio, and he also was one of the two emcees for Hilda and Irene’s tag-team duel a couple months ago. But today, he is owner and host at Camp Lagoon.

[Music ends.]

Hallie
In response to his wink, Sparky just makes that face that I just made that isn’t going to be visible to the listeners, but it’s like a… it’s like a… hmm.

Kyle
[Laughs.] It’s like a HMM.

Hallie
It’s like a HMM. She squints her eyes and sticks out her tongue a little bit, and like… egh. That’s the face.

Kyle
He laughs and smiles and does a little playful sticking out his tongue back, and there’s just a little sparkle from his teeth as he smiles.

Hallie
Ah damn it, Chazz. Alright. Fine! Fine. You win this round, Chazz. I have the least beef with you anyway, she narrates in her head.

Emily (as Irene)
Wow. I am glad to see that you are continuing to succeed.

Emily
Irene says, popping up at Sparky’s elbows.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I’m sorry, what was that?

Emily (as Irene)
I’m just glad that your life is going so well.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Why is that sarcastic? How come you don’t actually think my life is going well? I can read sarcasm, kid.

Emily (as Irene)
It was just… The face exchange was sad.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)
Also, you have not paid me back.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

[Relaxing funky rock music plays.]

Kyle
[In Chazz’s over-the-top voice.] Well hey there, campers, and welcome… to the announcement break!
I got a couple of stuff for you today, but before I get started I wanted to quickly refresh everyone on the reference that was made with the money joke because it comes up a few more times. Irene asking for money calls back to when she lent Sparky money back during ‘Bang! Bang!’, the movie theater episode, in order to get into the movie. This reference was an old and small enough one that I figured it was worth mentioning, since at the beginning of each adventure we don’t do ‘previously on’ segments.
Which, speaking of, I’m still kinda deciding whether or not I want to add them once this first arc, the Necromon Championship arc, ends because we’re starting to make more and more references. I’m thinking I’m gonna do it, but if you have any thoughts, feel free to let us know.
Alright. The first thing I gotta mention to you today is something I mentioned the past couple of weeks. We are coming up on our five-year anniversary. This Sunday—Sunday, September 25 at 7 PM Central US Time, I and other members of the cast, hopefully all of them but we’re kind of playing fast and loose with it, are going to be doing a five-year anniversary stream over at twitch.tv/QuestFriends where we’re just gonna play a bunch of fun games together for you all to enjoy.
We’ll probably do some Quiplash, we might do some Codenames. We might play some Channel A! or maybe even design a new shirt using TKO. Again, it’s supposed to be casual and fun, just a celebration of half a decade of Quest Friends. If you’d like to join us, again, we are streaming that on September 25 at 7 PM Central Time at twitch.tv/QuestFriends.
In addition to that, I want to talk to you all about another show today called Eidolon Playtest. Eidolon Playtest is an actual play podcast playtesting a game created by two of its cast members. The game is called Eidolon: Become Your Best Self, and it’s inspired by anime like JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and JRPGs like the Persona series which is one that is near and dear to me and all of the cast members’ hearts.
If you’re missing the more over-the-top exciting anime power stuff that we had in our first campaign, Eidolon is exactly the kind of game you want to check out, and so is the show. So, let’s talk a bit more about Eidolon Playtest.
Throughout the summer, they have released a number of short-form minisodes to give new listeners like yourselves good jumping-on points. In particular, they wanted me to point out Eidolon Daft and Eidolon Giants as really good places to start. That being said, if you want something a bit more long-form, you can check out their 100-episode epic, Eidolon POPROCK, which consisted of two separate parties fighting against angels, devils, and President Dracula himself as they struggle to steal control of reality away from the rich and the powerful.
[00:35:00]
Or, if you’d like something new, on October 3 the show will be starting its next season which consists of two campaigns, Eidolon Disco, and this is the one I’m really excited for, Eidolon Ska. Both games are about teenagers exploring the mystical secrets of their small hometown with Disco taking place in 1979 and Ska taking place in 1999.
You can find Eidolon Playtest at AudioEntropy.com, which is in the description, or you can just search Eidolon Playtest on whatever podcatcher you use to listen to this show.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode, Creature from the Camp lagoon, Part 2, will be releasing on Monday, October 3, but as always, if you enjoy the show and you want a little bit more content before then, you can check out Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Relaxing guitar music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle
Before we go into what you’re gonna do at Camp Lagoon, I would like everyone to give me one detail about the camp. I’m gonna start with some of the things we know. It is owned by Chazz Casey, it is up in the mountains, it has electricity but no outlets, and it is surrounded by deadly nightshade.

Ari
The name of the camp has “lagoon” in it, right?

Kyle
It is Camp Lagoon, yes.

Ari
It is Camp Lagoon.
[Country music begins.]
Well, I will say, there may have been a lagoon at some point, it’s unclear, but right now there is no lagoon. There is a big hole, but it’s all muddy and dried up.

Hallie
Damn it.

Ari
Maybe that was the lagoon, and that’s why it’s called Camp Lagoon, but it doesn’t actually have a lagoon, which is misleading currently.

Tom
[Snickers.] My detail is that the main campers are to set up their tents in a circle around the main camp clearing area, so the deadly nightshade is the ring beyond the tents, and then the chaperones have a little camping square that’s off to the side for setting up their tents.

Ari
Quique would set his camp close to all of the campers so that he’s not in the same square as Sparky.

Kyle
And Chazz loves that. When he sees you put down your tent, he actually walks up and he says:

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
I’m loving your initiative, man. I really appreciate your concern over these kids. You know?

Ari
Yeah. I mean, he is concerned about the kids, but he also…

Kyle (as Chazz)
Yeah, you know, it just means a lot. I’m putting on a performance for these kids, but it means a lot to know that they have people here who care about them.

Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, absolutely. I do care for these kids, and I would rather be with them than in that square over there. You know?

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
Yeah. Yeah, I care about those kids. What kids bring you here?

Ari (as Quique)
So, I know I believe two of the kids. I know miss Irene over there. Great name, by the way. And I know miss Hilda as well. But other than that, you know, I just like camping.

Kyle (as Chazz)
Miss Irene and miss Hilda, you say?

Ari (as Quique)
Yeah.

Kyle (as Chazz)
They’ve been doing great.

Kyle
He seems to have a moment of realization, and he just does one of those friendly cowboy pat on the back things.

Kyle (as Chazz)
You know, I’m glad Sparky’s making good new friends.

Hallie
[Seething.] Oh, fucking…

Kyle
[Smirking.] And then he walks off.

Ari (as Quique)
I never said Sparky! What? I said two names, and I never said that name.

Ari
He’s gonna just shout at Chazz as he leaves.

Kyle
[Smiling.] Okay, what are the other two details?

[Country music returns.]

Hallie
Well, mine was gonna be boats, but then Ari was like “there’s no lagoon.”

Ari
There could still be boats.

Tom
There can still be boats.

Kyle
Yeah.

Hallie
I was gonna say, I would like there to still be boats for this waterless camp. There are some canoes, there are some paddleboats… there they are, nearby.

Ari
There they are.

Hallie
For all your non-aquatic travel needs.

Kyle
Alright, and then Emily.

Emily
Camp lagoon boasts five or more types of spiders.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Emily
That’s more than any other spider… children’s camp spiders in the whole Valley.

Tom
Jesus Christ.

Emily
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Five or more types of Necrospiders.

[Music fades.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
Which is why we thought you kids would particularly love it, because while our lagoon may be dead, we are actually near the site of a Necromon Oasis. Necromon Oases are terms for where more Necromon tend to appear.
[00:40:00]
Necromon tend to appear at these points and then filter out to the rest of nature, so we thought this was a great opportunity for you to kind of see all of the Necromon, most of which are spiders. Almost all of which are spiders. Which is probably why Maybelline didn’t wanna buy this place… But! They are exciting spiders.

[Snickering. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle
Yeah, so what kind of camp activities are we doing?

Tom
Hilda is setting up a tent. She’s doing it very correctly, because Irene is gonna be watching and she needs to be impressive. As a result, she indeed has a mallet for hammering in the stakes which, fun fact, I didn’t have on my recent camping trip.

[Laughter.]

Ari
Oh, that’s a thing you should have.

Tom
Yeah.

Ari
Or you can grab rocks, too. That’s what Quique would say to people that don’t bring that.

Tom
So, a mallet for hammering in stakes. She’s read the instructions already on how to set up this tent. She is prepared. Oh, that would have been a really good complication, now that I think of it. Like, prepared for the wrong kind of tent. Actually, no, I’m doing it to myself anyway. I don’t even care.
[Laughter.]
I’m taking the initiative. Hilda has prepared so long to make sure that she knows exactly how to set up the tent, but she got assigned a different tent. She has no idea how this specific tent works and, initially at least, she is too afraid to ask.

Ari
Well, it ties with what I was gonna do, because Quique was going to be just walking around helping kids setting up their tents and figuring out… because fun fact, he’s something of a boy scout himself.

[Laughter.]

Kyle
I mean, we know he’s good at knots. We’ve learned that for sure.

Ari
It’s true. Also, I guess I want to use my adapt thing to say that my skill for this adventure is just camping and all of that stuff.

Hallie
[Amused.] Camping.

Kyle
Yeah, camping.

Ari
Camping.

Kyle
You are Master Camper.

Ari
Master Camper. When noticing that Hilda doesn’t know how to set this specific tent, he would absolutely just help her, because he brought all of the necessary extra equipment for any kids in need.

Tom (as Hilda)
Thank you, Mr. Canaca.

Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, no problem, kid. This happens all the time. Is this your first camping trip?

Tom (as Hilda)
Well, not my first camping trip, but first one here at this school with these people.

Ari (as Quique)
Ah.

Tom (as Hilda)
All the others were with my moms.

Ari (as Quique)
Well, if you need anything, you can always come and ask me. By the way, speaking of needing things, I have the book that I told you about, ‘Alchemists of the 17th Century and Before.’

Tom (as Hilda)
Ooh! Yes! Excellent. I’m really excited. I really wanted to read up about Flick.

Ari
He’s just gonna groan at that.

Ari (as Quique)
Ugh, Flick. More like Shmick.

Ari
He’s gonna say under his breath. But then he’s going to be like:

Ari (as Quique)
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a cool guy… sometimes. Terrible at Poker, I’ve heard.

Tom
Hilda is listening in rapt attention.

Kyle
Meanwhile, Sparky, Chazz has directed you to help some of the children, and conveniently…

Hallie
Damn it.

Kyle
Actually, roll me a flat d6.

Hallie
A flat d6? Just one?

Kyle
Uh-huh.

Hallie
[Rolls.] Six!

Kyle
Okay. You get to choose whether you were directed to Walnut and Freddie or to Irene.

Hallie
Is Irene struggling to put up her tent?

Emily
It is deceptively correct.

Hallie
What?

Emily
Don’t worry about it. It looks like it’s set up right.

Hallie
Um… I want interparty interaction, so I’m gonna go for Irene.

[Silly punctuated music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, are you having trouble with your tent, dear?

Emily
Irene stares at you.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So you don’t need help, then?

Emily (as Irene)
I do not need help. If you need the correct word to clarify, I am doing it “perfectly.”

Hallie
Out of curiosity, does her tent look comparable to other kids’ tents who are clearly doing it correctly?

Kyle
It looks, as Emily said, deceptively perfectly done.

Hallie
Okay. I’m deciding whether Sparky wants to prove this isn’t a good tent by messing with the tent somehow, but I don’t think she would go that far. So, in response to Irene saying the tent looks perfect, Sparky will say:

Hallie (as Sparky)
Mm-hmm. Is that what Elliot would say about it?

Emily
Irene looks like you could not have possibly said anything more offensive.

Hallie
[Laughs.] Good!

Emily (as Irene)
[Stammering.] Excuse me…?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah. I figured out your brother and sister. That’s because I’m a really good adult investigative reporter.

Emily (as Irene)
Well, it’s not like we hide it.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah. You know what? Actually, a lot of your attitude makes a lot of sense.

Emily (as Irene)
Um, excuse me? No? The answer to that is no, we do not have the same attitude, because I am a decent human being and not the worst.

[00:45:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, no, you misunderstand me. It’s not really hard to be better than Elliot, which I’m not saying you aren’t. You’re better than Elliot.

Emily (as Irene)
Thank you. Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
But what I’m saying is, um… you remember when we were in that escape room testing thing?

Emily (as Irene)
Yes. Obviously.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes, obviously… I remember assessing that you were trying a little hard, and what I’m saying, because I’m an adult and capable of mature thoughts and emotions, is that I understand where you’re coming from… because your brother sucks.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)
Thank you. This heightens my opinion of you slightly to know that you also dislike my brother greatly.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So, what if… listen, we start over, over our mutual dislike of your brother?

Emily (as Irene)
I will accept this, however that was also all of my allowance, so I would like the $5 back.

Hallie
Do I have $5 on me? I genuinely don’t know.

Tom
That sounds like a thing that requires AP.

Hallie
[Exhales.]

Kyle
Under two conditions. Either, one, you have 1 AP, or two, you ask another counselor for it.

Ari
Oh no.

Kyle
Because I’m sure Quique has $5.

Emily
Would you rather be in debt to Quique or Irene?

Hallie
Well… okay. Actually, you know what? Because it’s way more interesting to play this out and pay this back from a different perspective, I’m not gonna use my AP.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Fine, I’ll get you your $5. You don’t need allowance here because everything is covered through the field trip fee or whatever it is you kids paid, so I will get you your $5, but for now the only thing I have to offer is to help with this tent because that’s what Chazz told me to do and I can’t think of a good reason for me not to do it.

Emily (as Irene)
Thank you, but I did it correctly.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay, so that’s, again, where Elliot comes in. You don’t have to—

Emily (as Irene)
I followed the instructions.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Did this come with instructions?

Emily (as Irene)
Yes. They were in German, so I understood part of them.

Hallie
[Laughs.] God.

Emily (as Irene)
However, I followed the pictures because I am not a small child and can do that.

Kyle
Quique, that’s when you notice that one of the tents… completely two-dimensional. If you looked at it from one angle, it would look like it was perfectly set up, but looking at it from any other angle, there’s nothing behind it. It looks like a cardboard cut-out.

Ari
Quique is coming to the rescue there, hopping from the other side of the two-dimensional tent.

[Laughter.]

Kyle
Yeah. Irene and Sparky, you just see Quique’s head pop up like a fucking jump-scare from the other side of the tent.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Agh!

Hallie
Jumps back a little bit.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Quique, getting the drop on me for once.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle
So, you finish setting up. By the time you’re done, the sun starts to set. This was really the first kind of setup day and then, as Chazz explains, tomorrow you’re really gonna go out and you’re gonna see everything.

Kyle (as Chazz)
Remember, do not leave at night, because of the deadly nightshade.

Ari (as Quique)
Does it only affect people at night? Is that why not going at night “for” the nightshade? If this nightshade is dangerous, should we just tell the kids not to go on that particular path at all times of the day instead?

Kyle
Chazz snaps and points to you and says:

Kyle (as Chazz)
Sir, you could just do this camp by yourself. Did you know that? Yes! As my good friend, Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca—

Ari (as Quique)
Please, call me Mr. Canaca, sir.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
Yeah, I apologize. As my good friend Mr. Canaca said—

Ari (as Quique)
Sorry, Dr. Canaca for you.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Chazz)
As my good friend Dr. Canaca said here, deadly nightshade only affects you at night. So, you really don’t wanna leave, because it itches like hell. Alright? Oh, like heck. Oh wait… no, you’re all adolescents and older. Like hell.
Alright! So, we have got our sandwiches, we have got our s’mores, and we’re gonna have some time relaxing listening to the beautiful sounds of nature, and we’re all gonna get “Well Rested for an exciting day tomorrow.

Tom (as Hilda)
[Eager.] Can we tell scary stories around the campfire while we make snacks? Like marshmallows.

Kyle (as Chazz)
Scary stories?!

Kyle
And next to him, Lucas Bang—

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Uneasy.] Scary stories?

Kyle (as Chazz)
Why that sounds like a Fantastic idea!

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Shivers.] … Right.
[Laughter.]
I’m gonna go check the, uh… adults’ tents and make sure they’re set up.

Hallie (as Sparky)
That sounds like a two-person job. I’ll come with you.

Kyle
Alright, Lucas and Sparky leave while the rest of you get around to tell scary stories.

Ari
Quique would stay if only because he would like to do his trick that used to scare Ariel at some point, but it still scares some of his kiddos sometimes.
[00:50:00]
He will just take his head, put a flashlight underneath it, and start telling the scary stories that way.

Ari (as Quique)
Ah! Who is ready for some horror, kids?

Ari
As he’s doing that with the flashlight underneath his disembodied head.

Emily (as Irene)
I am not afraid.

Ari (as Quique)
Ah. This might change as the night progresses. Ah~!

[Laughter.]

Ari
He’s gonna turn his head around. He thinks that’s cool. He might have been cool at some point.

Kyle
The only person who loves how into this Quique is, more than me, is Chazz Casey.

Tom
Chazz Casey, new best friend of Quique.

Kyle
[Laughs.] And the other kids? Well, I guess Chazz isn’t a kid, but also, yeah. The other kids, really excited about this as well. Even the teens were like “(scoff) that’s so dorky… do it again.”
[Laughter.]
Alright. Do we wanna tell some scary stories?

Tom
You fucking bet I do! I brought it up for a reason.

Ari
I have a single word scary story.

Ari (as Quique)
Taxes!

[Laughter.]

Tom
The crickets as the kids sit there.

Kyle (as Walnut)
Is that a Necromon?

Ari (as Quique)
[Menacingly.] You will find out.

Kyle
[Laughs.] So yeah, you tell scary stories. Walnut’s scary story is about a Necromon Trainer who got defeated in combat and couldn’t handle it well, so this trainer who lost cursed the person who beat them with a luck dragon that basically sucked all of the luck out of somebody else and then stole its target’s soul. Then, as the night goes on, we get to…

Tom (as Hilda)
Have you ever heard the story of the shrieking eels?
[Campfire sounds begin.]
They say once every ten years the Lillerwhips travel to the Valley to make their home. I bet you can even hear them now out in the woods.

Tom
For dramatic effect, some Lillerwhip Necromons do their distinctive…

Tom (as Lillerwhip)
[High-pitched, bouncy.] Whip-er-will. Whip-er-will. Whip-er-will.

Ari
Aw, that’s cute.

Tom (as Hilda)
Yep, there they are out there now, so it’s about that time again.
[Campfire sounds make way to scary music.]
A long, long time ago, way up on the edge of the Valley, there was a drying dead old pond or lagoon, not very different from this one. A bunch of kids decided to go up there, you know, as a dare, to see if they could find out who would reach the bottom. Because, supposedly, travelers in the Valley had dropped some treasures in there when they were exploring the lake and it sank down never to be seen again.
When they got there, there wasn’t a whole lot of water, so they thought “oh, we can make it down,” and they kept going deeper and deeper out there. But, something was a little bit off. There was something watching them from the side of the woods. One of the kids saw big glowing eyes. From what? They couldn’t tell. They were just out there and then gone the next minute.
Then, another kid, while they were wading in through the mud, heard something else underneath, a little (whoosh) like something moving around under the mud at the bottom of the lagoon. Then finally, the last kid saw something down there under the water, a little dancing light sparkling down where nothing else should be shining.
But, they kept going anyway, and as they reached the bottom they found the old trunk. One of the kids reached down to grab it and instead felt something grab them. The other kids ran away. They left their friend and ran screaming back up into the woods, but it was a little too late for that, because as they got out they could see it rising from the mud.
[Music changes to frantic piano.]
At first it looked like a tall adult, but it was actually a mess of eels swarming from every arm, every limb, reaching out and grabbing to drag them down into the mud. None of them ever returned.
[Music ends and the campfire sounds return.]
And so, to this day, they say that every ten years the eels come back looking for more kids to devour and keep their treasure safe.

Tom
That is Hilda’s story.

Kyle
Tom, you do not know how accidentally happy you have made me.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Tom
I… I did that quite on purpose. I was throwing you an easy ball.

Kyle
Oh, you threw me quite a different ball than you thought you threw me.

Tom
Well, good.

Kyle
[Laughs.] Alright. Um…

Tom
What’s the reception to Hilda’s story? How impressed are the teens with this?

Kyle
Roll me Convince Somebody. I’d say pretty much any stat can apply, because Heart, you’re trying to appeal to their emotions, or Slick, you’re telling a story…

Emily
I feel like it’s Slick because you’re trying to be cool to these teens.

Ari
Hmm, yeah.

Tom
Ah, that’s a good point.

Kyle
You did mention the teens specifically.

Tom
It requires a lot of specific storytelling flair, so yeah, I’ll roll with Slick.
[00:55:00]
[Rolls.] Fuck. That’s a 5.

Emily
Okay, wait. So, I forgot that Booker existed for like the entire first part of the episode, but once the story’s over, after a brief pause, can Booker launch himself out from behind Hilda in a flutter of pages?

Tom
Holy shit. Yes, yes, yes!

Emily
And a very loud:

Emily (as Booker)
Rekoooob!

Tom
Like at the crescendo of the story, “reached out and grabbed them,” Booker just suddenly pounces on someone.

Kyle
Amazing. Ari, did you want to do something?

Ari
Well, would Booker’s move help with this roll? Because if it does, then I don’t, but if it doesn’t, then…

Tom
Were you going to use your dice roll to substitute?

Ari
Maybe.

Kyle
How would you want to use your Loaded Dice? We can say Quique and Booker in tandem somehow do something to help enhance this story.

Ari
Well, Quique has been adding flair to the stories because he likes enhancing stories like this, so he would go into the muddy lake and do the final thing when Hilda is like “and then it raised and it looked like an adult.” Or, if not, he would just raise himself up from behind Hilda all muddy.

Tom
[Laughs.] Holy shit.

Ari
Then, Booker would then at the end be like “rekoooob” with his two little stalk eyes that look like eels and just go, like…

Tom
Holy shit… Holy shit. This is incredible.

Kyle
So, we cut to Sparky and Lucas Bang. I don’t normally like to describe shots, but we just see a shot of them working on a tent as, behind them, a gaggle of teens just run screaming across the frame, chased by a Quique covered in the slime.

Hallie (as Sparky)
They’re probably fine.

[Laughter.]

Ari
Quique’s gonna extend a hand to high-five Hilda.

Ari (as Quique)
This is how scary stories are told.

Tom
Hilda is in awe of this master-level pranking.

Ari (as Quique)
By the way, you called me Mr. Canaca earlier, but I think you earned the right to call me Quique.

Several
Aww.

Kyle
Alright, Sparky.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Lucas is there setting things up, and he is struggling. In fact, he’s got out a couple of his Necromon. He’s got his Pirouribbit which is the big frog in the tutu that’s just trying to use its tongue to pull things up. He’s got the Wardlet which was from your movie adventure. He ended up adopting that, and that’s taken on the form of another Lucas Bang and is trying to help him up but is just as awkward as he is.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Still no good at putting together a tent, I see.

Hallie
I don’t suppose my Necromouse would be any use to putting up a tent. You know, what calls for “put up tent?” Mouse.

Tom
I feel like a Necromouse would be good at helping snap things. This could work.

Kyle
Yeah.

Hallie
I’m gonna do it.

Hallie (as Sparky)
You know, I have a Necromon now.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh, that’s nice.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, it’s a rat-mouse… It’s a mouse. I can get it out of the card by, um, by…

Hallie
Sparky doesn’t know how to do the card thing even though she’s probably seen Hilda do it enough times for her to know. I throw it to the ground. Does that work? With two fingers.

Emily
[Laughs.]

Kyle
It gets stuck under the carpet.

Hallie
Fuck. The carpet?!

Kyle
Not under the carpet, under the tent.

Hallie
Okay.

Tom
Astroturfed all of it.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Chuckles.] No, it’s uh…

Kyle
He reaches under and he grabs the card.

Kyle (as Lucas)
It’s not about how you do it, it’s all about the connection. You’re basically asking a friend to arrive in a time of need.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, so it’s just hoping it will show up, then.

[Gentle country music begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, when you have friends you can really trust, it’s not hope… it’s faith.

Kyle
He hands the card over to you.

Hallie
Uh-huh. I take it. I take it back, and thinking of all the times that she wanted to get the gang back together to do exactly what the gang used to do in high school… you know, not like the book club socials that Alina invites her to all the time, and the other normal things that the other friends who have gotten on with their lives are doing… she thinks of all the times she’s been betrayed by things not being exactly the way they were in high school and how her friends haven’t actually been there for her, she tries to do the mouse again. While she tries to do the little throw again:

Hallie (as Sparky)
I kind of think faith and hope are the same thing, but okay, whatever you say.

Kyle
So you try it again?

Hallie
Yeah, I try it again.

[Music ends.]

Kyle
Nothing comes out.

Hallie
[Angry but amused.] Cool. That was useless.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, the difference is small, but…

Kyle
And he looks wistfully over at the kids who are still terrified of Quique but slowly coming back.

[01:00:00]

Kyle (as Lucas)
…the little things matter.
[Country lullaby music begins.]
When you hope, you know there’s a chance you’re wrong. There’s that naggling doubt which can be worse than any fear. When you have faith in something, you truly and fundamentally to your core believe it will happen.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Sounds like a technicality, but okay.

Hallie
The mouse goes back into the pocket, and Sparky stretches out her hands.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, since it’s the mouse’s fault for not coming out of the card, let’s give this another go. You know, while we’re at it, I’ve been meaning to ask you… Chazz. Didn’t he cohost something with… What was his name? …Sammy Ester?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh! Yeah, Sammy? Yeah. Speaking of hope and faith, Mr. Scuba doesn’t seem to hope for many people, but he puts all his faith in Sammy. He’s a real nice guy. Chazz said he was about as awkward as I would be up there, honestly, so I guess Mr. Scuba got a good replacement for me.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, so you were supposed to narrate the thing with Chazz, and then Sammy replaced you?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Yeah, because we had the “thing” that we did on a specific day.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, the tournament!

Tom
[Coughs laughing.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
I didn’t do a tournament… It’s alright if you forgot. No, I understand.

Tom
[Sob-laughs.]

Hallie
Am I, Hallie, actually forgetting something or is this—?

Tom
Wasn’t that when you were on your date together?

Hallie
Was it?!

Tom
He dropped out of the thing to go on a date with you, the thing you did together.

Hallie
Oh! He did that to go on the date? I thought he just did that afterwards.

Tom
No-no, those were simultaneous. We were having the duel with Chazz and Sammy while you were…

Hallie
Motherfucker.

Kyle
He did the introduction and then went to you, but he was supposed to do the whole damn thing.

Hallie
I thought it was different! We’re gonna roll with this because it’s interesting and I shot myself in the foot, so we’re gonna go ahead and keep that.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh my god! You left that for the day? I thought you just did it after.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I mean, I was there for a little bit, but they would have preferred I was there the whole time.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So… you didn’t do the narration to come on a date with me?

Kyle (as Lucas)
To come on a what?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Outing?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh yeah, yeah, us.

Hallie (as Sparky)
To do the outing together. Ha-ha!

Kyle (as Lucas)
Yeah, yeah…

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, to do the outing. You know, I didn’t expect you to… I just thought it was different is all. I didn’t realize… I didn’t intend to take you away from anything. Was Maybelline upset?

Kyle
His cheeks were reddening, and then when he hears Maybelline, the rest of his face gets red.

Hallie
Great.

Kyle
But not quite in an embarrassed way this time.

Hallie
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Great.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I’m just glad you came. I hoped you would.

Hallie (as Sparky)
To the outing or to here?

Kyle (as Lucas)
I mean, to anything really.

Hallie (as Sparky)
What do you mean?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh! Just, uh… I just hoped you’d be here. You know, I… hoped.

Hallie (as Sparky)
You know, um… I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick. I’ll be right back, and then we’ll finish putting the tent up together.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Hallie
When Sparky walks off, she is gonna stop by a tree in the dark of the woods where she’s alone. Nobody gets to see this. She’ll take out the Necrocard, and then to herself she’ll be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)
Am “I” the mouse?

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Tom
They are doctors, so they’re okay to say that.

[Laughter.]

Emily
Oh yeah.

Ari
I also couldn’t say it because I would be another type of doctor probably by the time this is released, I think.

Hallie
Hey-hey!

Tom
That’s true! Do we need to introduce you differently?

Kyle
We might need to introduce you as doctor, actually.

Ari
[Smiling.] No~

Kyle
Aw, because yeah, this will be in September. We’ll be a month late.

Ari
Oh boy. I would be flailing at my new job when I listen to this.

Tom
Yes.

Hallie
Yeah you will.

Tom
Yeah you fucking will.

Kyle
Yeah, so this is where you all are: a gaggle of teenagers, a woman who wishes she still was one, and a skeleton.

Hallie
Oh, wishes she was still a teenager. Okay. I was like, no, she’s still a woman, what are you talking about?

Ari
Yeah. That’s also what I thought you said. I was like, wait, what?

[01:05:00]

Emily
It’s not actually dangerous. I just want to say that, as they’re evening out, Irene trips forward slightly.

Ari
Oh no.

Hallie
No~!

Emily
I was just hoping to scare Sparky, not make you feel bad.

Hallie
You’re gonna do both because Sparky hates you, like a lot, but she’s not gonna let you, like… she’s not gonna let this child struggling to keep up with everybody—I mean, I think her natural instinct would be to help you out.

Tom
What was the name of the camera spiders from our non-recorded…?

Kyle
Those ones were just little spiders called Piders.

Ari
Oh, right.

Kyle
We know that they are poisonous but not venomous, so you’re fine if you don’t eat them.

Tom
And they were like “re-pid” or something like that for their voice? Re-pid, re-pid…

Kyle
Oh, “re-dip,” that was it.

Tom
Re-dip. Re-dip. Re-dip.
[Smiling.] I just wanted to bring them back. I was real excited when I heard we were bringing back some spiders.

Kyle
Yeah, you scare everyone. I would say the only person who is relatively unphased is Freddie because Freddie is an enigma who does not follow regular human conventions. Freddie is just like:

Kyle (as Freddie)
[Calmly.] Whoa… that was scary.

Emily
It definitely didn’t work on Irene.
[In a lower tone, as if parenthetical.] It worked on Irene.

Tom
Holy shit.

Kyle
Irene just doesn’t run when she’s scared.

Tom
Irene’s fight-or-flight response is just a fight response.

Kyle
We then see Quique get fucking knocked over by Mallea.

Tom
Aww.

Kyle
And do you go down to work on it again?

Hallie
No. I just stand there.
[Laughs.] Just looking at my failure.

Kyle
Well, I’m gonna punish it even more.

Hallie
Wow!

Kyle
He’s gonna go down and he’s gonna say:

Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, I’ll try again.

Kyle
And he goes down and he sets his hand down on the tent to go grab it, and part of you wonders, if you had gone down as well, would you have had a cute hand-touching moment. But the thought is gone as he continues to work on the tent.

Hallie
No it’s not! It’s not gone. That’s gonna haunt her the rest of this episode! It’s gonna haunt “me” the rest of this episode. Fuck you! And your hand… hands. Your hands!

[Laughter.]

Emily
I’m not gonna remember any of this session.

Kyle
So far it’s just Irene bullshits, so don’t worry.

Emily
Okay. [Coughs.]

Tom
Emily, high on fever, bullshitting as Irene. A beautiful time.