18. Die Card (Part 4) Transcript
Transcript by Raina Harper
Kyle
Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…
[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]
Kyle
As part of Sparky’s “investigates” descriptor, Hallie gets to choose a mystery to solve.
Kyle (as ???)
[Ethereal voice.] Protect the rutabaga… or the world ends.
Kyle (as Lucas)
I was able to talk to Mr. Scuba. But he did give me this.
Kyle
It is a page ripped out of a book.
Emily
Booker starts chewing on the page.
Hallie
[Yelps.] AH! No, no, no!
Tom (as Hilda)
Booker, I don’t think you should eat this right now. We need to—
Emily (as Booker)
[Indignant.] Rekoob!
Tom (as Hilda)
We need to research it first!
Ari
To analyze it, Quique would do the exact sequence of events that Basil of Baker Street does when looking at that one paper.
Hallie
Yes! Yes!
Kyle
Then you get a text that just has a very, very different tone to it. “This is Overseer Cold. Tell me everything you know.”
[Music swells and carries into the episode.]
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib! Tarledoib!
Kyle
Boidelrat’s excited yell echoes throughout the empty sterile back hallways of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper as she excitedly prances forward and backward, going a little bit ahead of you and then back to you, and then a little bit ahead and back.
Emily (as Irene)
Shh! Shhh!
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
[Quietly.] Tarledoib.
[Less quiet.] Tarledoib!
Kyle
She nuzzles.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Unlike Oset Scuba’s office which was… maximalist is the friendly term someone would call it, cluttered as fuck is what most people would call it.
Tom
[Laughing.] Maximalist.
Hallie
Marie Kondo would not find it a soothing place to be.
Emily
Does not spark joy.
Hallie
Does not spark joy!
Kyle
These back hallways don’t either, because they don’t have anything that sparks joy.
[Threatening ambient sci-fi music begins.]
It’s completely empty barren wall, just a little bit of humming residual light, like a not-very-good fluorescent lighting going throughout the walls. Like a gamer computer, essentially.
Tom
God.
Hallie
Yeah~
Kyle
But besides that, it’s completely empty pure sheer metal, probably because Oset thought it looked cool. It feels cold.
You keep walking, and eventually you see a light at the end of the tunnel. You can hear some muffling as Eddie, Ronda and some third person, again another Quiclone, just start talking to each other.
Kyle (as Ronda)
I don't know, I think that’s a bit harsh, don’t you think, Eddie?
Kyle (as Eddie)
My dear Ronda, you have a heart of gold. Unfortunately, the people in this crowd have no regard for gold. They are elite snobs who do not give anything to others. Our benefactor, however, they are most generous indeed.
Kyle (as Ronda)
I guess they are pretty nice. I mean, that’s how we met, right? Yeah? I think it was my birthday, wasn’t it?
Kyle (as Eddie)
Yes Ronda, although every day with you feels like a birthday.
Kyle
And yeah, they’re just talking as you all walk up to the room.
[Music ends.]
I described this room previously, but to re-summarize it…
[Sad ethereal sci-fi music begins.]
It is a sterile room with white walls. One of the walls had a glass window on it which has since been blocked by a metal barrier that Oset had automatically go down when intruders were detected. Inside of the room, a collection of rare and powerful Necromon are kept not in cards but instead in glass boxes, each of which has a blue light surrounding it like the light of a Necromon arena.
The room itself is also illuminated by this light, a wide blue light that surrounds the entire room. You can actually see as you come in, a thin blue aura surrounds Irene’s Necromon and Babcia Ania’s book similar to how it would when you would go into a Necromon arena.
Emily
A little curl of paper pokes up from the book.
Several
Aww…
Tom
Hilda’s going to give the spine a long scratch and then burst out, balloon sword raised, and shout.
[Music ends.]
Tom (as Hilda)
Prepare yourselves! You have exactly ten seconds to explain what you’re doing here before this entire room starts to flood with pie cream.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Ah! What was that? Oh… Oh hi!
Tom (as Hilda)
Clock’s ticking!
[Silly ambling music begins.]
Kyle
Ronda turns over, this woman with a translucent face and bright plump nose and a tuft of orange hair that’s curling out from half of a Phantom of the Opera mask.
[00:05:00]
She waves to you. Eddie takes five of those seconds to slowly turn around.
Kyle (as Eddie)
[Claps slowly and dramatically.]
Ari
[Chuckling.] What the fuck?
Kyle (as Eddie)
I was wondering if you would make your way here. Our benefactor was certain you would, although I must admit I had my doubts.
[Music ends.]
Emily (as Irene)
I had my doubts you would ever get out of that card.
Emily
Irene says, stepping out from behind Hilda.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Oh…
Kyle
He takes a step back.
Kyle (as Eddie)
You’re here too, I see.
Emily (as Irene)
Hello, old friend.
Kyle
He sneers under a mustache.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Hello… detective.
[Laughter. Dramatic noir music begins.]
Hallie
In the background, Sparky just puts her hands up. Is this what it’s like for Hilda not knowing about the Quiclones?
Ari
I want Quique to also show up there.
Ari (as Quique)
Hello again, Eduardo.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Oh…! Aurelio. Well, I must say I am very surprised to see you. Don’t you have some Slap Chop Samurai or something like that to watch at home? You know, getting embroiled in all this is much too much excitement, isn’t it?
Ari (as Quique)
Well, watching that has given me plenty skills for me to take you on if necessary. You could ask some of your other associates. Oh wait, some of them have been knocked out by me.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
[With sarcasm.] Oh wow, a copy got knocked out. An imitation of a sad old man got knocked out by the sad old man. How terrifying!
Kyle
When he says that, the bandit Quique, the one that’s in the ski mask and the thieving gear, looks up offended at Eddie. Eddie just looks down and says:
Emily
Aww!
Kyle (as Eddie)
Oh, not you, you’re great. Just go back to work.
Kyle
Then he turns back to you.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, considering you’re one of them, I think you should be pretty worried.
Kyle (as Eddie)
As I told you last time, Aurelio, I am not a copy. I have ascended to greater purposes.
Ari (as Quique)
Ah, sure you have. Sure you have. Keep telling yourself that, Eduardo.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Thank you for acknowledging that.
Ari (as Quique)
I said keep telling yourself that. I didn’t say that I acknowledged it.
Kyle (as Eddie)
The point is, I regret to inform you that this has nothing to do with you, so you can just be on your way. Go back home. Let me take care of this. It won’t get in your way at all.
Emily
Another little curl of paper pops up.
Hallie
Sparky’s just taking it in. This is the most information she’s ever gotten out of Quique.
Tom
I had a thing I wanted to do while they were monologuing at each other. Hilda wanted, while they were talking, to just go over to the other Quiclone in the ski mask and poke him with the balloon sword.
[Music ends.]
Tom (as Hilda)
Hey, so um… what are you actually doing here? You can’t go back to thieving yet. The timer still stands. What’s going on?
Kyle
I’m just gonna say you do it. Eddie is gloating. He loves his monologues. You don’t even gotta roll for that.
Hallie
Good for Eddie.
Kyle
The sneaky Quiclone looks up to you.
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
What was that?
Tom (as Hilda)
What are you actually doing here?
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
[Quiet and mumbling.] Oh, I mean, we’re gonna take this thing from this thing, and the benefactor wants us to take it out so we gotta be quiet. That’s why I was chosen, because I’m like really quiet in the way that I speak. I don’t like to speak a whole lot. It just makes me intimidated.
Tom (as Hilda)
So, when you say “thing,” are you taking the Necromon or are you taking something else that’s in here?
Kyle
He points to the pedestal and you can see that it has a blank page identical to the one that Quique gave you earlier today in it.
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
I don't know, I was just told to take this thing.
Tom (as Hilda)
Ah crud.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Why?
Emily
Two legs poke out.
Kyle
He looks back to Sparky.
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
Oh, uh… I don't know. He says that his benefactor wants it or something like that. I don’t question him.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, but…
[Stammers.] Okay, so you’re just a lackey. You don’t know anything.
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
I mean, that’s a bit harsh.
Hallie (as Sparky)
But is it wrong?
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
No, but it’s still harsh.
Tom (as Hilda)
I don’t mean to interrupt your work, but—
Kyle (as Maybelline)
Unfortunately though, I do.
Kyle
And you hear the cocking of a gun.
Tom
Oh no!
Hallie
What?! WHAT?! Excuse me?!
[Noir mystery reveal music begins.]
Kyle
You turn over and you see, next to you, a woman dressed in extremely vibrant clown makeup.
Tom
You’re gonna have to explain that one a little bit more, Kyle.
Hallie
You’re gonna have to have more words.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Tom
You’re gonna have to give us some more details.
Hallie
We’re gonna need a little bit more.
Kyle
The woman looks at you, Hilda.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
I must say, Hilda dear, you little cutie, your mom does have a wonderful sense of fashion, although she doesn’t use quite enough pink for my taste.
Tom (as Hilda)
Who the F are you?
[00:10:00]
Kyle
The woman gets really upset at that.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Maybe it’s Maybelline, but she looks a little bit too good to be Maybelline right here.
Tom (as Hilda)
Like, we would recognize—
Kyle
The gun just points towards you, Sparky.
Tom
[Yelps.]
Hallie
Good. Good!
[Silly villainous music begins.]
Kyle (as Maybelline)
What a great—You know, that was a really expert backhanded compliment. It would be really effective if it wasn’t the pot calling the kettle black.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I’ve never tried.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
Heh-heh… Anyways.
Tom (as Hilda)
I just want to interrupt and tell you that your insult to Sparky didn’t make a lot of sense.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, she’s right.
Tom (as Hilda)
You were getting a backhanded compliment, but then you said the pot calling the kettle black implying that Sparky looks really good right now, so it was kind of a self-own again.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
No, no, it’s—
Hallie (as Sparky)
That’s why I said I never tried, because this is just effortless.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
The compliment—
Hallie (as Sparky)
But you didn’t get it because you’re not smart enough.
Kyle
She points the gun at the Quiclone.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Maybelline)
The point is, I needed to get into this room but realized that anybody would recognize my iconic style. Since your clownish mother is here, I figured I could just put on some similar makeup and sneak in amongst the crowd. Now that I am here, with a gun mind you – I feel like we all sort of glossed over that – I would like what’s in that box, please.
Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)
[Quietly mumbling.] Well, uh, I mean…
Kyle
At that, Eddie will notice Maybelline pointing the gun.
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Now-now, what do we have—Oh.
Kyle
Maybelline pulls out a second gun and points it at Eddie.
Ari
Oh my god.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Maybelline)
I will say, the little stunt you pulled tonight did make infiltrating this chamber more useful, but you’ve outlived your usefulness to me.
Emily (as Irene)
Are you going to shoot someone who’s already dead? Just curious.
Kyle (as Maybelline)
Well, just because something doesn’t kill you doesn’t mean it can’t hurt.
Hallie
I do want to hear more of what she has to say, however, what I’d like to do more is use Designated Driver to call my van.
[Laughter.]
Beep-beep, motherfucker! That’s the bad swear.
Ari
Yippee-ki-beep!
Hallie
Here it comes!
Kyle
Describe… Describe Designated Driver.
Hallie
Describe the skill or what I’m doing?
Kyle
Yeah, describe the move.
Hallie
Alright, the move. You have a reliable means of transportation that is able to carry you and the other PCs, e.g. a car, bus pass, Soul Bonded dragon, etc. Spend 1 AP to have this means of transportation appear in a critical moment, and if you are in the middle of a Confrontation that involves a chase, fill your Confrontation Clock by 1. I have exactly 1 AP.
Kyle
Give me one quick second. I gotta read what I wrote here. Uh…
[Laughter.]
But yeah, here’s the secret “final” upgrade that Big Jake Hell gave to your car.
Hallie
Remote summon! I like to think it’s like the bison whistle from Avatar: The Last Airbender. You just blow into it and then Appa shows up. She’s got a van whistle shaped like her van. It’s just a little van.
Kyle
Sparky, I will let you decide. Is the vehicle coming from, A, the library, B, a nearby hallway, C, the floor, or D, the ceiling?
Emily
Not the ceiling, Hallie.
Hallie
The floor is so much funnier because it’s as if a whale erupted from the ground and just FWOOSH, came up. So yeah, from beneath Maybelline as she’s aiming two guns western-style, a look that is too cool for her, a van just fucking—
Kyle
So you want it under Maybelline?
Hallie
Yes.
Kyle
You’re gonna have to roll me Take a Swing for that.
Hallie
Oh, okay.
Tom
Come on, car, you can do it.
Hallie
[Hums a chipper tune.]
Tom
Come on, Hallie. The dice are on your side.
Hallie
No they’re not. Don’t say that. The dice have never been on my side.
[Rolls.] Nine. I was so close to a no-strings-attached success.
Kyle
You’re gonna hit your target. It’s gonna hit Maybelline.
Hallie
Yeah. Good.
Kyle
You have to choose one benefit and one drawback.
Tom
Who does the car hit?
Hallie
The benefit is that she’s hit by my car, and she’s no longer aiming guns at people.
Kyle
Okay, okay.
Hallie
The guns, she drops them, she drops the guns.
Kyle
Okay, she drops the guns.
Hallie
Yeah. The drawback…
Emily
[Chuckling.] Do you also hit one of us with your car?
Tom
[Shouting.] Who does the car hit, Hallie?!
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Do it. Do it, Hallie.
Hallie
Not in this party. I can’t do that.
Tom
WHO DOES THE—
Kyle
I won’t have it hit a party member.
Hallie
Oh, okay, then yeah, it hits someone else. That’s fine, as long as it’s not a party member.
Kyle
It hits someone or something you didn’t intend to.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
So, you said you have a whistle, right?
Hallie
Yeah, like a bison whistle but for a van.
Kyle
So you just whistle without saying anything?
Hallie
Yeah, I just pull out a fucking whistle that Jake Hell gave me at some point in the past that Sparky has told no one about and I just… I blow on it.
Kyle
Beep-beep…
[Crash SFX. Upbeat disco-style music begins.]
[00:15:00]
Hallie
[Laughs.] It flies in from however high up we are.
Emily
We’re in space!
Tom
We’re in the upper atmosphere.
Kyle
That’s right.
Hallie
Glass everywhere! Full John McClane action sequence. There’s an explosion in the corner for no reason. People don’t have shoes anymore.
Tom
What? No!
[Music ends with a flourish.]
Kyle
The car comes up from the ground, knocking Maybelline to the floor, and we hear a crash alongside that, like a tinkling of glass. Then, the blank page which has been freed from the container lands right in front of her.
[Frantic carnival chase music begins.]
Emily
Booker bolts for it.
Tom
Oh!
Kyle
And it’s time for a three-way Confrontation.
Tom
Yeah!
Kyle
The way Confrontations work normally is you have a clock and your opponents have a clock based on what your goal is. In a three-way Confrontation, it’s similar. There are two clocks, there is you and there is everybody else. The reason we do that is because as players your rolls and dice influence not the world as a whole but instead how you interact with it. So, it doesn’t matter that both Maybelline and Eddie want the blank Booker page, what matters is that they are working against you.
So, it’s basically a normal Confrontation. The only difference is going to be that, when you make actions, I am going to keep in mind is this affecting Maybelline more or is this affecting Eddie and his team more. Based on basically who you screw over the most will determine who gets first, second, and third place at the end of this Confrontation.
Hallie
Good.
Kyle
So, Eddie wants the blank page and Maybelline wants the blank page. Booker also wants the blank page, but you as a team have to decide what is your want out of this Confrontation.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
I guess…
Tom
Uh… I think we want the blank page.
Hallie
Yeah. Obviously, I want whatever Maybelline wants so that she doesn’t have it, and that’s the blank page, apparently.
Kyle
Alright. So, to set the scene…
[Upbeat ghostly electronic music begins.]
With a loud roar, the White-Eyes Blue Dragon gets all the other creatures in their containers riled up. Maybelline, Eddie and Booker all at once are trying to pounce on this blank page. What do you all do?
Hallie
I think I also just want to pounce on the blank page. I am ready to get in there with some fisticuffs. What’s up party people? That’s my battle cry.
Kyle
[Chuckles.]
Tom
Can I cause Maybelline to slip on a banana peel?
Kyle
Yes. Describe how you’re gonna cause Maybelline to slip on a banana peel.
Tom
I’m gonna use a move here. I’ll use my Pull Pranks descriptor move to spend my 1 and only AP to have a banana peel on-hand that’s just going to, (swoop), pulling it out right in front of her.
Kyle
Roll Take Action or Sneak. Oh, also, everyone’s clock is 4. I figured we just do it conventional.
Tom
[Rolls.] I have never rolled so poorly in my life. It’s not a triple snake-eyes, but I guess with the bonus it will at least be a 7. I rolled a 1, a 2, and a 3.
Kyle
Jesus!
Ari
Oh my god.
Kyle
Alright. Yeah, describe how you throw this banana peel, and it kinda works.
Ari
It’s just a soggy banana.
Tom
There’s no technique to it. It’s just there’s no room to do the magic here. Hilda is thinking on her feet because she was currently bouncing between pulling a page out from behind Maybelline’s ear and trying to John McClane a different balloon sword attached to her back. Just yoinks it out, right in front of her.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
You actually successfully trip her, but she slips over and she trips over Booker who flips onto his back.
Tom
Oh… No! My baby!
Kyle
Giving Eddie time to grab the page and go:
Kyle (as Eddie)
Heheh… Best Quique.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Yeah, so he’s got the page and he’s gonna start running while Booker, just on his back, let’s out an angry:
Emily (as Booker)
[Bellowing, strained.] Rekoooob~!
Emily
Waggling his little legs, upset.
Tom
So both clocks fill by 1, right?
Kyle
Yes. You can inflict an effect on someone instead. I have a list of ideas. It essentially means, in an extreme case, I cut off his leg preventing a character from, you know, using the leg, or in activating moves, or setting them in a scenario where they’re busy having to take care of something else.
Tom
Mm-hmm. I think I will go for clock filling.
Kyle
I’m gonna go for that as well. So, each clock is filled by 1. Booker, who has been rejuvenated by the light, is on his back. You can actually see that the blue light is coming around him even more so and he’s starting to get some of those special pages that he gets when he’s in his Ultra form in an arena. Which would normally be really cool.
Emily
The one thing to defeat an Ultra Necromon, being flipped on their back.
[00:20:00]
Currently he’s just still wailing and kicking his little legs because he’s so mad.
Tom
Aww.
Kyle
Eddie meanwhile is gonna run away like:
[Swing music begins.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Ha-ha-ha! Screw all of you! Let’s go, Ronda.
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh, alright. Well, I mean, like… okay yeah, let’s get going. Should we bring the—
Kyle (as Eddie)
Ah, forget him. He’s as much scum as the other Quiques. I was just saying otherwise to make him feel nice.
Several
[Emotional.] Oh no…
Kyle
And Ronda and Eddie start running to the hallway. We’ll say they’re running to the hallway to escape.
Hallie
Pokeyo wants to go comfort the other abandoned skeleton. That’s their thing now.
Kyle
You succeed. You’ve made another friend.
Emily
Aww!
Hallie
Yay! Okay. As Sparky however, I would like to just chase down Eddie and SmackBook Pro him in the face.
Kyle
[Delighted.] Alright, roll to Take a Swing.
Hallie
Woohoo! Da-da-da…
Kyle
That is with advantage because of SmackBook Pro.
Hallie
SmackBook Pro! Advantage is an extra die, right?
Kyle
Yeah, and you take the top two.
Hallie
Okay.
[Rolls.] I don’t need to roll a third die, actually, because I got MALAITA!
Emily
Woo!
Tom
Holy shit.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
[Clapping as she chants.] Six, six! Two sixes! Six, six! Two sixes! Malaita!
Ari
You did it!
Tom
Roll to see if you get a third six.
Hallie
What? That’s never gonna happen.
[Rolls.] Four.
Tom
Oh.
Hallie
[Smiling.] You ruined it.
Kyle
Alright. You can either take 2 clocks filled or you can take a clock filled and an effect.
Hallie
Ugh!
Emily
Who are you hitting with this?
Hallie
Eddie.
Emily
You could put him in pieces so he can’t run away.
Hallie
Could I take 1 clock fill and the PCs get 1 ongoing for the rest of the Confrontation?
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
Okay, let’s do that one.
Kyle
You smack him.
Hallie
So good.
Kyle
But how does smacking him also give everyone a benefit against him, Ronda, and Maybelline for the rest of this Confrontation?
Hallie
Because…
Kyle
I also just realized your car is still there.
Hallie
My car is still there.
Kyle
In the middle of the room.
Hallie
Let’s say, just for yucks, Maybelline is climbing out from under the car at the same time that I whack Eddie so hard with the SmackBook Pro that one of his bones comically flies into the distance and whacks Maybelline in the face just as she’s emerging, and then she’s knocked back. I don’t actually know why that gives us +1 ongoing, but that was a thing I was using to justify it.
Kyle
Both of them are rattled.
Hallie
Both of them are rattled.
Kyle
Eddie more literally so.
Hallie
Yeah.
Emily
How dare you! I was just about to say “him, literally.”
Hallie
Then, I would like to take the page from him. Can I do that?
Kyle
Yeah. We’ll say that you have the page.
Hallie
Okay. I wanna take the page and, not really thinking about it, I wanna do a Pirates of the Caribbean “I have a jar of dirt” thing that was a meme for a while that Jack Sparrow does.
Emily (as Booker)
[Pleading.] Rekoooob~!
Hallie (as Sparky)
Ha!
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob~!
Hallie (as Sparky)
I got your fucking page!
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob~!
Hallie (as Sparky)
I’m coming!
Emily (as Booker)
[Whining.] Rekoob!
Hallie
Then just the morale of seeing someone who’s on their team having the page also gives the +1 ongoing. Like, “ah-ha, he didn’t get away.”
Kyle
Now that you have the page, are you just… that’s what’s happening right now?
Hallie
Um… I didn’t think this far ahead.
Tom
[Laughs.]
Hallie
I guess I’m trying to get it to Booker because it’s his page.
Emily
What I would really love to do is unleash all the captive Necromon and set them upon our enemies.
Tom
Yes.
Emily
But I don't know how to do that.
Kyle
Well, try. Try however you want.
Emily
Is there like a button? “Do not push button!”
Kyle
If you give me an AP, there will be a “do not push” button.
Emily
I will give you an AP. I will… yeah, I’ll give you an AP to have a button that I can just push.
Kyle
Yeah, there’s a “do not push” button. So, to set the scene…
[Silly frantic music begins.]
Whack! Eddie’s head has fallen off. He’s trying to get it back. One of the bones flies off and hits Maybelline who’s just demoralized at this point. Sparky lifts up the page and starts running back to get it to Booker, and then Irene, you wanted to open the floodgates?
Emily
Irene’s further away. She tells Quique to push it, and Quique can push it with his hand that went on the journey with the Necromon Strike Force team and it all comes full-circle.
Ari
Sure. That sounds like a good idea. I’ll do that.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Alright Quique, roll me Take Action.
Ari
[Rolls.] Oops, sorry. The dice fell. That didn’t count.
[Rolls.] Um, that’s a 5.
Emily
[Smiling.] I should never have trusted you, Quique!
Kyle
Describe how you all try this and fail.
Ari
No! Oh no.
Emily
Oh… Irene figured it out and pointed, but one or more of the Necromon got overexcited and tripped Quique.
Tom
Oh no.
Hallie
It was Boidelrat.
Tom
Oh no!
Emily
It was Boidelrat.
Hallie
It was Boidelrat.
Emily
I didn’t wanna name names, but we all know it was Boidelrat.
Tom
No~!
[Laughter.]
Hallie
We all knew it was Boidelrat.
[00:25:00]
[Music fades.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Aurelio, Aurelio, Aurelio… You really need to get a team that would work together.
Ari (as Quique)
Honestly, so do you.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
Where’s your team? I haven’t seen that they are doing things.
[Dramatic classical music begins.]
Kyle (as Eddie)
Why bother finding a powerful Necromon team when I’m the most powerful Necromon I could ever encounter? You know, I first—
[Music ends abruptly.]
Ari
Can I interrupt his speech to punch him in the face?
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Roll me Take a Swing.
Ari
Oh, is it fine?
Kyle
Yeah. I’m not gonna have this influence anything, he’s still gonna get his benefit, but I just wanna see if you punch him.
Ari
[Rolls.] Nine.
Tom
Eh.
Kyle
Yeah, you hit him pretty good, not big enough to do anything.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Agh. You are so rude, and mean, but not in the Machiavellian way.
[Music returns.]
Anyways. The thing I wanted to explain is that my Element is Skeletons and that includes things like skeletal structures, so say goodbye to Sparky Malarky.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What the fuck?!
[Gasping. Music distorts into booming trailer music.]
Kyle
With that, the skeleton of the room next to him, the framing starts tearing open as he points a hand towards it and a giant gap into the vacuum of space opens up.
Tom
What the fuck?!
Emily
Sparky Malarky!
Kyle
Sparky, roll me Take Action.
Hallie
Okay… My Fierce is 0, yeah that’s right. But I get the +1 ongoing!
[Rolls. Music ends with dramatic tension.] … Eleven. Twelve with the +1 ongoing.
Tom
Oh!
Emily
Woo!
Kyle
Okay, perfect. You still suffer the consequences of the effect, I just wanted to see how bad it was.
Hallie
Yeah, that’s fine.
Kyle
We’ve used some effects before, right? One of the effects I wanted to use was less something like “this ability is taken away” or “you get -1 ongoing.” I wanted to do my favorite kind of effect, one in which you are put into a scenario that you have to roll to succeed at, and succeeding in that roll won’t count towards filling your clock, however if you just let the scenario be, every quote-unquote “turn” you take without resolving that will be a turn that the situation automatically gets worse.
[Climatic cinematic music begins.]
The vacuum of space, Sparky, pulls you out, but just in time there is… Why not? There is a loose nail.
Hallie
Yeah! Nails!
Kyle
A thick loose nail that you’re able to grab onto.
Hallie
I have the paper. I’ve got the nail.
Kyle
You have the paper in one hand. You’re holding onto the nail in the other. You can hear “creek” as it starts to pull out a little bit.
Hallie
Okay. Um…
Tom
Important question just for all of us here.
Kyle
Yeah?
Tom
What’s happening to everyone else if the chamber is decompressing?
[Music ends.]
Kyle
You know, you’re not quite in the “vacuum” vacuum of space, so—
Emily
You just said we were in the vacuum of space!
Kyle
You’re in like the close-to-vacuum of space.
Hallie
It’s like the ozone layer of space.
Kyle
We’re going sci-fi movie rules that doesn’t want to be brutal where it’s like, if you’re far enough away from it, you’re fine, but if you’re right in the vicinity, you get pulled in.
Tom
Hmm… Okay. Alright. Good to know.
Kyle
Unless, Tom, you all want to be pulled out to the vacuum of space. Only one of you would survive that.
Ari
It’s me, because I’m already dead.
Kyle
Actually, when Sparky goes out, Eddie will just, very tired, turn to you, Quique.
Kyle (as Eddie)
I know we have our differences, Aurelio, but you’re welcome.
[Laughter.]
Ari (as Quique)
Ugh, this is low even for you.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Even for us.
Ari (as Quique)
No, even for you.
Kyle (as Eddie)
You have to pick a side, Quique. Either I am you or I’m not you.
Ari (as Quique)
When did I say you were me?
Kyle (as Eddie)
When you said I was just a copy.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah! Exactly. That doesn’t mean that you are “me” me, that means that you’re a copy. You have a copy of a paper. The copy is not the same as the paper. You want to go all philosophical here? I have no time.
Kyle (as Eddie)
Have you ever heard of the idea of the Skeleton of Theseus?
Ari
He’s already gone.
Ari (as Quique)
Between you or Sparky, I somehow like Sparky more.
Ari
He’s gonna go and try—
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Are you doing a space-walk to save Sparky Malarky?
Ari
Yeah, unless-I think Tom was saying something.
Tom
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, I had a plan along those lines.
Kyle
Okay. Yeah.
Tom
I don’t want to interrupt anyone else’s plans, but Hilda was gonna look at Booker and do a nod.
Emily
Is he off his back yet?
Tom
Hilda was gonna grab Booker under her arm, get in Sparky’s car, and drive the car out into space to get Sparky.
[Laughter.]
Emily
Drive the car into space!
Ari
I want it to be a combination of Quique doing the space-walk and the car doing the car.
Kyle
I’m gonna count one of these as towards saving Sparky and one of these is towards making things better, because I don’t think there’s really a way to say this is a combo attack, but I want both to happen.
[00:30:00]
So Quique, you’re gonna roll Keep Your Cool because you’re trying to do a space-walk. Hilda, you’re gonna roll Touch the Other Side because I’m pretty sure you don’t know how to drive a car.
Tom
So, Touch the Other Side, what do we roll with that?
Kyle
That’s Books.
Ari
Is Keep Your Cool +Slick?
Kyle
Plus Slick, yes.
Ari
[Rolls.] Twelve! It’s dirty 12.
Kyle
Jesus! Alright.
Tom
[Rolls. Shouting.] I rolled a natural 12!
Ari
Oh!
[Cheering and laughter.]
Kyle
So, we’re gonna start with Quique, because it sounds like your plan more directly involves saving Sparky’s where Hilda’s was more akin to vehicular manslaughter.
Tom
Wow! Fucking rude.
Kyle
So, yeah, Sparky.
[Tense ghostly chase music.]
The nail is pulling more and more, and you’re starting to lose your breath. Quique, you see this. How do you save Sparky Malarky?
Ari
He’s just very reluctantly going to grab her hand I guess.
Emily
Just grab her by the collar. The rudest way.
Ari
Yeah! Yeah, I like that. Grab her by the collar.
Hallie
She chokes even more.
[Laughter.]
Ari
No! No. Not like that. In cartoons where there’s somebody sitting down and you’re grabbing them.
Kyle
Basically the same vibes as pulling someone by their ear.
Hallie
Yeah.
Tom
Please, there’s no air left to choke.
Kyle
Yeah, exactly, that was my thought. Sparky’s not getting any breath anyway.
Ari
Heh. He’s gonna slowly, slowly do it, just really reluctantly.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Gasps for air.]
Hallie
As she’s being pulled in.
[Music ends.]
Ari (as Quique)
This is the second time that I saved your life, Sparky. I hope you remember that and repay it someday.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What do you mean the second time?
[Silly music begins.]
Ari (as Quique)
Ah!
Hallie (as Sparky)
There were two times?
Ari (as Quique)
There was one time when you were in this weird creepy lake thing and I had to drag you out of it.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Breathlessly.] Oh god, the rutabaga lake.
[Laughter.]
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, you were talking—Exactly! Yeah, you were talking about that instead of being useful, and I dragged you out of it. So really, you should repay me about this someday, but that is not important right now. I guess I’m glad you are not overpopulating the Necropolis today.
Ari
[Chuckling.] And he just walks away.
Hallie
Sparky is confused. She’s shaken for multiple reasons such as losing oxygen and also Quique saved her twice, apparently.
Kyle (as Eddie)
I’m disappointed, Aurelio. Sticking your neck out for her?
Kyle (as Ronda)
I mean, you would do it for me though, right Eddie?
Kyle (as Eddie)
Of course, dear Ronda, but you are an actually enjoyable person.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
Listen. Honestly, I did it to spend less time with your… whatever talk this is. If it’s between—
Kyle
He starts doing the blabbing hand.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, that’s you, that’s how you sound like. Exactly like that.
Ari
And he’s gonna do the hand thing.
Kyle
Hilda, what do you do?
[Music ends.]
Tom
The plan here was drive car out into space, pull Sparky into the car. Then, since this car got all the way up here, surely that means it can get back.
Hallie
Yeah.
Tom
We reenter the atmosphere in Sparky’s car.
Hallie
Jake Hell.
Tom
[Laughing.] Ride it down to the planet.
Hallie
He made the van space-proof so now we can just zoom off into space playing Hooked on a Feeling.
Tom
It’s a reliable mode of transportation. It says it in the move.
Hallie
That’s what it is.
[Laughter.]
This is just like how in Be Cool, Scooby Doo, Fred has outfitted the Mystery machine to be like a submarine and a helicopter.
Tom
And I did get a nat-12 with this roll as well.
Kyle
So, we’re gonna say—Is it alright if Irene’s in the car?
Tom
I was considering pulling the entire party in and just having us drive out into space.
Emily
I mean, I can just be chilling with Maybelline and her guns. It’s fine.
[Upbeat rock music begins.]
Kyle
Yeah, Quique and Sparky, you see as a car—as Sparky’s van just drives up next to you and the door dramatically opens up. Hilda, I’ll let you take the scene if you wanna do anything.
Tom
Hilda doesn’t say anything because it’s space, but just like pulls both Quique and Sparky into the van.
Hallie
Wee!
Ari
Quique’s gonna do the kind of way that Steve Harrington reacts when he sees Dustin driving the car. ‘What? Kids should not be driving.” And trying to take Hilda out of the wheel so that he can be the proper responsible adult who drives car.
Tom
What did we decide versus Irene in or out of the van?
Emily
Well, Irene is busy, so uh…
Tom
[Distressed.] Uh…
Kyle
I figured we’d put you all in the van so that you can drive out.
Emily
Okay.
Hallie
Great. I think it would be really funny if it was like a drive-by and they just grabbed Irene by the back of her shirt, also in a cartoonish manner, and whipped her into the van and slammed the door shut before we just…
[00:35:00]
Emily
[Laughing.] Pull up, open the side door, drag her into the van.
Hallie
It’s like we’re kidnapping a child but in a good way this time.
Kyle
And…
Tom
We’re gonna drive out to the vacuum of space, baby.
Hallie
We’re gonna fill our clock by running away.
Tom
We’re gonna drive— [Laughs.]
Hallie
[Giggling.] Into the solar system we go.
Tom
Reentry. We’re going—
Hallie
Fuck you, Oset Scuba.
Tom
We’re going back down to the planet the hard way.
[Music fades.]
Kyle
After you all leave, it’s silent for a moment in Oset Scuba’s collection before Ronda eventually breaks the silence with:
Kyle (as Ronda)
Well uh… how’s everybody doing?
Kyle
And then you hear a little (alert sound) and all of the glass barriers protecting Oset Scuba’s protection go down.
[Music returns.]
Because Emily privately paid me 1 AP to press the button outside of combat.
Tom
Oh!
Hallie
Hell yeah!
Ari
Oh, nice!
[Music swells and carries out to the announcements.]
Kyle
According to a Google Search that I just quickly did, it takes about two minutes and 23 seconds to fall from space. So, while the party does exactly that, let’s have an announcement break.
First off, if you signed up for the Fan Work Exchange that I talked about last announcement break, I will be sending out assignments for that later today or tomorrow. If you’re listening to this episode on the day it comes out and you are interested, go check the link that I put in last episode because I’m only going to close signups when I actually send out the emails.
Besides that, all I’ve got for you today is another show promo, so HEY, LISTEN!
[Game show music begins.]
Do you wanna find out more about tabletop and live roleplaying games but you’re not sure where to start? Do you wanna play a lot of different roleplaying systems but just don’t have the time to try them all? Do you want to listen to new and exciting adventures without the boring character creation and filler story arcs? Well, you’re in luck.
If any of those things sound interesting to you, you can check out What Am I Rolling? which is a twice-monthly RPG one-shot podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. That’s What Am I Rolling? With a question mark. Remember, adventures need not apply.
[Music ends.]
Alright. Well, music considered, we’re probably getting close to everyone landing on the ground, so that’s all I’ve got for you today. This year we’re gonna do something special for Christmas again. In two weeks, on December 26, Hallie and I will return to the harrowing world of Hallmark with another Hallmarked episode. I’ll see you then.
[Swing music carries out of the announcements.]
Kyle
We cut away and we see the car. We don’t even see how it gets to the ground, we just see all of the Rons and the Undertakers in front of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper. A lot of them are starting to raid it because… we’ll say the crowd went and took out some of the Quiclones on the lower floors.
[Laughter.]
We don’t see how the van got down, we just cut to the ground and we see it round the corner in front of the Spacescraper.
Tom
I did not expect it to be intact after this.
Hallie
Thanks, Jake Hell.
Emily
So what you’re saying is that Big Jake Hell made sure it didn’t Big Jake Fell.
Hallie
[Laughs breathlessly.]
Ari
Heh.
Tom
Honestly, I—
[Chuckles.] I don't know how compliant this is with the lore, but I would love if none of this actually was a thing about the car and Big Jake Hell was just using other side magic to be like “ugh, they drove it into space! UGH!”
[Laughter.]
Kyle
No. When you fall down into orbit, you know how it flames up?
Hallie
Yeah, because you’re going super-fast.
Kyle
Yeah. That’s not actually the physics effect. That flame is Big Jake Hell trying to redirect the car.
Emily
What a good guy.
Hallie
“I put my life’s work into this van. You can’t destroy it by driving it into space.”
Emily
Honestly, he seems like a better boyfriend than… certain people whose names begin with “L” and end with “ucas Bang.”
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I do not hear this.
Kyle
Alright, so you’re all in a car in front of the Spacescraper.
[00:40:00]
Hallie (as Sparky)
I should write Jake Hell a better thank you note.
Tom (as Hilda)
I think I need to go sit down now, with a blanket. I think I am beginning to feel the early onset of shock.
Hallie
[Chuckles.]
Ari
Oh no~
Emily (as Irene)
Oh, you are only in the early part of it? I was under the impression we were further in.
Tom (as Hilda)
I mean, yeah, probably. My brain just missed the memo.
Ari
Quique will sit next to them and hug them.
Emily
Aww.
Hallie
While Quique is sharing the tender moment with the children, we’re on the ground and the Undertakers are outside, yeah?
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
I wanna stumble out my van. Like, the intention is to kick the van door open Somebody Once Told Me style and be like, “go fix it,” but you know, a lot has happened, so it’s more like a stumble out and she has to grab onto the door to center herself.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Crimes!
[Stammers.] You got here… We did it!
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Kyle
Alright, we’re gonna flash forward quickly, if that’s alright.
[laughter.]
BITE has basically immediately, once Sparky said things, surrounded the van. A lot of Undertakers, which again are the guys in the aloha shirts with the sunglasses and the khaki pants. You occasionally catch a glimpse of an Overseer. Overseers look more like stereotypical Men in Black. They’re much more unsettling figures with black trilby hats, round sunglasses, and long trench coats. Quique, do you ever check the phone that you were using to contact with the Rons?
Ari
Yeah. I want to say… I don't know if I made the joke back on that one session when he’s like “tell me if they’re smiling,” but if they’re all skeletons I guess he would have just told—
Kyle
You said that immediately and Overseer Cold said “you know what I mean.”
Ari
Okay.
Kyle
Do you make that again though? You get another message from Overseer Cold saying “so were any of them laughing” and you say it again?
Ari
Yeah, I say it again.
Tom
Yes.
Hallie
I hope Overseer Cold hates us.
Kyle
So, BITE was there, Undertakers are there, the Dire Fighters were there as well – emergency services essentially. They look like old firefighters. I saw this image the other day. Old firefighters, their helmet is this big black mask, essentially if you took a firefighter’s helmet and made it black and then put it down over their entire head.
Hallie
Like a welder or a beekeeper.
Kyle
Yeah, and with big bulky suits of armor. They look terrifying. Very sweet, though. We’re doing the thing that you have at the end of a stereotypical action movie where you’re sitting in the back of the ambulance with the cup of hot cocoa and the blanket.
Hallie
The shock blanket, yeah.
Kyle
Yeah, a shock blanket.
Emily
Irene keeps pushing the blanket off of her.
Tom
Hilda’s cuddling Booker.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob.
Tom
And also holding two pages.
Emily
Well…
Tom
Wait. Sparky still has one.
Emily
If Booker’s seeing them, he’s going to be wildly obsessed with them and being a total menace.
Tom
Yeah, no sense delaying the inevitable. Hilda will give him the first page at least.
Kyle
Okay. You’re sitting there. Let’s say everyone’s given you space. They said alright, we’re gonna have a couple of folks talk to you, but for now we’ll leave you alone. So, it’s just the four of you, the four PCs, and Booker snatches the page up immediately. He noms it like any other page.
Emily (as Booker)
[Happy chewing sounds.]
Kyle
And the page disappears. But, after a moment, you notice that one of the ripped spaces where a page should be starts weaving itself back together again, slowly bit by bit reassembling itself. As it does, Booker’s eye flame ignites and you see an image.
[Mysterious music begins.]
It’s a hard-to-see image because it’s an image inside of flames, but it’s unmistakably an image of a man. He looks young but, with how death works, that says nothing about his age. The only thing you notice about him is his curious temperament and his inquisitive cat-like eyes. Then, through the flames, you hear the echoes of this man speak.
Kyle (as flame man)
How curious.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob?
Kyle (as flame man)
So you’re saying you catalogue things? Information. Things that happen.
Emily (as Booker)
[Affirmative.] Rekoob.
Kyle (as flame man)
You’re remarkable, friend. Did you know that?
Emily (as Booker)
[Buttered up.] Rekoob.
Kyle (as flame man)
And you are… you are my saving grace.
Emily (as Booker)
[Curious.] Rekoob?
Kyle (as flame man)
I told you already, I believe. That woman, at least I think she was a woman, unless you know there are humanoid Necromon or something like that. She told me the most curious things. Interesting.
Kyle
He looks and smiles.
Kyle (as flame man)
Would you like to come along with me? It’s been a while since I’ve traveled without a companion.
Emily (as Booker)
[Chipper.] Rekoob. Rekoob? Rekoob… Rekoob!
Kyle (as flame man)
Wonderful. We’re gonna do great things, friend. We’re gonna find out all the mysteries of this world.
[00:45:00]
Kyle
The man turns over, and with a spark of the flame in Booker’s eye, you can see a third eye emerge on his forehead.
Kyle (as flame man)
I can taste the intrigue already.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
And the flame goes back in. Booker looks like his normal flame eye, but he’s perked up a little bit. I’ve sent you a list of advancements, Tom. Booker now gains one of those permanently.
Tom
Oh-ho.
Emily
He wiggles his little butt.
Ari
I assume this is all something only Booker experienced, right? Nobody else saw that or heard it?
Kyle
All of you saw the image in the flame. Basically, Booker’s eye flame ignited and showed you this image as if Booker was showing a recording.
Tom
He’s a little projector ‘mon.
Ari
Uh, I mean… I am like 99% certain of who that is…
Kyle
You’re right, Ari.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Ari
So Quique would definitely be like… like, have a double-take.
Ari (as Quique)
Teo?
Emily
Do I recognize that? Does that sound familiar to me at all?
Kyle
It sounds nice. You don’t remember the details, you only really remember the conversation that was seen. But, that name makes you happy.
Emily (as Booker)
[Calm and pleased.] Rekoob.
Ari (as Quique)
Uh… I suddenly have a lot more questions and interest about this book of yours, kid.
Tom (as Hilda)
Who’s Teo?
Ari (as Quique)
Oh, Mateo, he was—is? I guess he still is my partner. He’s a really good friend.
[Piano waltz music begins.]
But, I haven’t seen him in a long time, so I thought it strange to see him in this eyestalk of your book now.
Ari
He’s approaching and trying to see.
Emily
Booker, like… he doesn’t have a neck, but the motion that he does is like if he was pulling his head back into his neck a little bit. Like, you are getting very close to me, Sir Skeleton.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob…?
Ari (as Quique)
Oh, right, I’m sorry. I’m becoming too much like Sparky. I am so sorry about that.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Wow. Wow!
Ari (as Quique)
I understand the personal space situation here.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Caught up by the intrigue.
Ari (as Quique)
Just one second, Sparky.
If you hear or see him on your eyestalk again, would you—?
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob.
Emily
Booker walks in a circle and then lays down, not paying attention anymore.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, I guess I’ll just write him a letter next time and ask him what’s up with that. It just takes forever to reach over there.
[Music fades.]
Kyle (as ???)
Write a letter to whom?
Ari (as Quique)
God, why are you still here?!
Emily
[Laughs.]
Kyle
This is not… This is not Eddie.
Emily
Oh.
Kyle
Flick, click. Flick, click.
You look up to the voice that spoke to you, and the first thing you see is a lighter opening and closing.
[Terrifying ghostly ambient music begins.]
But, when you see the rest of it, you see a man, the man. On the surface, not much about this figure sticks out. He’s a tall man wearing business casual clothing – khakis, dress shoes, a simple collared shirt with the top two buttons undone, and one hand loosely resting in his pocket while the other idly plays with the lighter, adding a slightly singed smell to the otherwise overpowering scent of bottom shelf cologne.
Honestly, if it weren’t for the nametag this man was wearing, he would seem like just a regular middle manager and you wouldn’t even have been able to guess that this was an Overseer leading a raid on one of the world’s largest companies. Even at first glance though, something about this man feels instinctually off, and then you notice the details.
You notice how his hunched pose never changes, how it seems less like a casual posture and more like a carefully crafted façade. You notice that the cologne is only so strong in order to mask the unmistakable smell of death. Not death in a literal way, mind you, but instead the empty stale stench of stagnation. You notice the color of his lighter’s flame, a sickly green, and how even though he’s clearly standing on the ground, the man still seems to float, only leaving a shadow in the light cast from the flame at his hip.
But, above all else, you notice the smile. It’s a stiff wide smile that wraps all the way to the sides of his head, a smile that’s clearly meant to be comforting but that feels more like a predator bearing their teeth or a corpse stuck in joyous rigor mortis. Normally I don’t like to tell you how you feel about things, but there is something supernaturally upsetting about this creature.
[00:50:00]
Overseer Cold looks to you, Quique, and he smiles. I mean, he always smiles. So more, his head with this smile turns towards you.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Ah yes, I believe you are the man that I am to thank for my assistance this evening. Is that correct?
Ari (as Quique)
Uh, yes sir, I believe so. Are you the one that texted me on the phone asking me about the smiling thing and my thing that I replied that yeah, I mean, skeletons are always smiling?
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
A wonderful joke as always, but you are certain that there was no laughter?
Ari (as Quique)
Uh, not really.
Ari
I mean, I don't know, I don't remember if Eddie laughed at some point.
Kyle
I think he did.
Ari
Okay. He would say that.
Ari (as Quique)
Actually, there is one. His name is Eduardo. He’s always kind of smirking and laughing and feeling all superior. If that helps for any of your weird tallies that you’re keeping, he would be the one to look for.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Eduardo. He is the fifth, I presume?
Ari (as Quique)
Yes, if you want to count them that way.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
I just like to keep my ducks in a row. I’m sure that an employee of the very esteemed Químicard would feel the same.
Ari (as Quique)
Uh… yes. I do pride myself in having things ordered and organized. I don't know exactly—I can give you a better report on the exact crime that went into that. he tried to toss this lady over there, Sparky Malarky, into space.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Ah yes, your wonderful assistant.
Ari (as Quique)
My sub, sub, sub, sub-assistant. My co-assistant is not Sparky. She would be like way below me on the scale.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Of course, your sub, sub, sub, sub-assistant, the wonderful investigative reporter, Katherine Mueller, or Sparky Malarky as I believe she likes to be called. I do certainly hope you’re not injured at all.
Kyle
He looks towards you, Sparky.
Ari (as Quique)
[Chuckling.] You were having a fake name all this time. Of all the fake names, you went with Sparky Malarky?
Emily (as Irene)
Well yeah, why would an adult name someone Sparky Malarky?
Ari (as Quique)
I’ve heard worse names, kid. You haven’t lived long enough.
Hallie
Sparky stares back at him. … No. I was gonna have a biting response, but I can’t think of one and neither can Sparky. She’s too tired. She’s just going to be surly.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
I understand you’re exhausted.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Flatly.] Uh-huh.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
I wouldn’t blame her too much, Aurelio. We all like to keep our secrets.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What?
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Some of us prefer to hide our names. Some of us prefer not to say things.
Hallie (as Sparky)
It’s not a secret, I just didn’t like it.
Kyle
And he points to Irene.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Some of us don’t like talking about our siblings.
Hallie (as Sparky)
And some of us never shut up.
Emily (as Irene)
Excuse me?
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
I’m just saying that I am… I am a friend, and you can feel free to discuss—
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh. Friends don’t have to say they’re friends.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
—anything with me at any point.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Sounds like you already know everything anyway, so why bother?
Kyle
The smile widens.
Hallie
Great.
Kyle
But he does not laugh.
Hallie
[Uneasy.] Yeah. Eh… good.
Emily
Irene has crossed her arms and is glaring at the siblings comment.
Kyle
He looks at you, Hilda, for a second out of curiosity, and you notice that Booker has scuttled to behind your back. He cocks his head.
Tom (as Hilda)
Can we help you?
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
Oh no, you have all helped me so much already. I just wanted to extend the Bureau’s thank you and let you know that, if you have anything to tell me at any time…
Kyle
And he looks back at you, Hilda.
Kyle (as Overseer Cold)
…anything at all, you can always call in and request to speak to Overseer Cold. Although, since we’re friends, just tell them you want to speak to Indrid.
Tom
Completely blank-faced…
Tom (as Hilda)
Okay, goodbye.
Emily
[Chuckles.]
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Goodbye, all. It was a pleasure meeting you, but may we meet again on better circumstances—a birthday party or something joyous like that.
Kyle
And he walks away. Emily, I want you to take a GM Intrusion.
[Music ends.]
Emily
I was already upset, and now I’m more upset. It’s fine, I take my Intrusion. Do I even get AP?
Kyle
Who do you give the point to? Yeah, you get AP. Who do you give it to?
Emily
I give it to Hilda for also being a weird upset child at the bad vibes of Mr. Cold.
Tom
This is unimaginably dreadful.
[00:55:00]
Kyle
Indrid Cold walks away with the flick, click, flick, click, flick… and for a moment he stands there illuminated by the small light of the pocket lighter which, despite being so small, seems to extend a shadow from him out that almost covers all of you.
[Music returns.]
He waits for a moment, then flicks it down, and turns back and says:
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Actually, Miss Hawthorne, I did have something I needed to talk to you about, if you would just join me for a moment.
Emily (as Irene)
I would prefer to have an, um…
[Steadying herself.] I would prefer to have parental supervision.
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Oh yes, a parent, a guardian, a lawyer, something along those lines. Do not worry, Elliot is already on the scene.
Hallie (as Sparky)
He’s what?
Emily (as Irene)
He’s what?
Tom (as Hilda)
No thank you.
Kyle
He extends an arm and motions out.
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Please, come this way.
Emily (as Irene)
I don’t, um…
Tom
Hilda’s gonna get in front of Irene.
Tom (as Hilda)
No thank you. We are currently in shock and on our way to get medical attention. You’ll have to talk to us later.
Kyle
Flick, click. Flick, click. Flick, click.
The lighter starts flicking with more intensity as Indrid Cold steeps over you, his smile an inch from your face.
Emily
Irene pushes Hilda aside a little bit.
Emily (as Irene)
It’s fine. I’m coming.
Tom
Eh. Hilda is going to push back on that push and not budge.
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Such gumption. It was not a request, though.
Tom (as Hilda)
Is Irene under arrest?
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
We cannot discuss the details at the time.
Tom (as Hilda)
I don’t see Elliot here right now. This all seems very suspicious, so I’m going to have to say no thanks.
Kyle
The lighter flicks. All the Overseers have sunglasses on, all the Undertakers and Overseers. Overseer Cold doesn’t. it almost looks like a flame emerges from his two green eyes. Hilda, I want you to roll Take Action with disadvantage.
[Music ends.]
Emily
I wanna do an opposing roll.
Kyle
Against who?
Emily
Against Hilda.
Ari
Oh no!
Kyle
Okay.
Emily
I don’t want Hilda getting in trouble.
Ari
Can I spend an AP to help Hilda somehow?
Kyle
Do you wanna just help keep Irene from leaving? How are you gonna help Hilda?
Ari
Yeah. Yeah.
Kyle
Okay. Yeah. We’ll say that you’re helping, so it’s no longer disadvantage, Tom.
Tom
Okay. Can we assume that Declare Guilty is in effect in this case even though I have not explicitly said those words?
Kyle
Yeah. What does Declare Guilty do?
Tom
Declare Guilty. Declare a particular character a threat to you or those you care about. Roll with +1 ongoing whenever your actions directly oppose that character for the remainder of the scene or Confrontation. Only one character at a time.
Kyle
Okay.
Emily
I wanna use 1 AP and my Overextends.
Ari
Oh!
Kyle
Normally that would auto-succeed. Since you’re doing an opposed roll, I’ll give you double advantage for that.
Tom
So what, four dice?
Kyle
Four dice, the result is the top two.
Emily
Woo!
[Rolls.] That would be an 11.
Tom
[Rolls.] Is that roll trying to beat my roll?
Kyle
Yeah.
Tom
That will be difficult since I rolled a 12.
Hallie
Oh-ho!
[Music from an old piano plays.]
Kyle
Indrid Cold flicks the green light, and a shadow, his shadow, illuminated by the light, begins to emerge around all of you. Hilda and Irene, what are you doing?
Emily
Irene is trying to pull away from Hilda to go with Indrid Cold because she’s worried that Hilda’s gonna get in trouble.
Tom
Hilda is holding on tightly to Irene’s arm and keeping herself between Indrid Cold and Irene.
Kyle
Indrid Cold seems not to care. The sickly green light at his hip grows brighter and his shadow more looming. Then, Quique?
Ari
He does that too, because there’s like a line. He’s trying to prevent this man from just taking a minor without any warrant or anything. Even if he had a warrant, this just is not okay.
Kyle
When you stand up, he clicks the lighter closed again and his eyes return to normal as the shadow recedes.
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Indrid Cold)
Give my well regards to Mateo, would you?
Kyle
And he walks off.
Ari
Hmm. He doesn’t like that, this man. He just doesn’t like that Mateo has anything to do with it. The next letter he writes to Mateo is going to have a lot of questions.
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle
Alright. From that point on, you’re pretty much left on your own. The Rons try to flex and show how cool they are, but they do that to everybody. Elliot is there.
[01:00:00]
Hallie
Can I, in the background of that scene with Indrid Cold, I wanted to have texted Elliot with just “what the fuck.” Because even though Sparky spends her whole life avoiding these people, they all have each other’s contact info because we have referenced group chats before.
Kyle
You just get back:
Kyle (as Elliot)
If anything happens to it, I’m not buying you a new van.
Hallie (as Sparky)
If anything happens to Irene, you’re not getting a new sister.
Hallie
That’s my reply.
Emily
[Gasps, laughs.]
Tom
Yes.
Kyle
You are left on read.
Tom
Oh!
Hallie
That means I win.
Kyle
But yeah, so… you all meet up and head out.
[Ghostly denouement music begins.]
Hilda, you meet up with Alina. Yulia arrives as well. Elliot is there, but something you weren’t told, Irene, is that Earl is there as well. It’s hard to tell who’s more confused by the situation, Elliot who is perplexed because you were supposed to be here with Overseer Cold or Earl who is always confused. Quique, I would say that, actually, because it hit the news, Ariel wanted to just come to check up on you on their own, but Yunuen was really, really worried and would not let Ariel leave home without her.
Others
Awww.
Kyle
So they check up with you. Sparky, you go home alone.
Hallie
Yeah, that’s fine. That’s fine. Wait, where’s Lucas? Actually, you know what, I don’t think Sparky’s in the mood to go find Lucas. I mean, she wants to know if he’s okay, but…
Kyle
We can play out any of those if you want, otherwise I was just gonna ask, is there anything you all do when you go home?
Hallie
Oh yeah, I have all my files. Instead of going to bed, I just start reading all of them.
Emily
It sounds like the plans have changed, but before they seemed to be changing, I was going to ask my father if I should turn myself in.
Tom
Aww.
Hallie
[Chuckles.]
Ari
Oh no.
Kyle (as Earl)
What? Turn yourself in? For… like to a doctor? I can take you to a doctor.
Emily (as Irene)
No, to the law enforcement.
Kyle (as Earl)
Uh…
Kyle
He looks to Elliot who just nods to him.
Kyle (as Earl)
Let’s just go home, kiddo.
Kyle
And he kinda shelters you and takes you back into the car.
Emily
Wait. What did the nod mean? Nod to take me home or nod for me to turn myself in?
Ari
I mean, it’s Elliot, so what do you think?
Emily
Booker’s sleeping on Hilda. He’s really cuddly today.
Tom
Hilda will cuddle with Booker and go home and cry with her moms.
Others
Awww.
Ari
Quique’s just gonna start… I mean, he has a letter already drafted, but he’s gonna scrap that and throw that out and then start again, to write a letter to Mateo. Starting first like what, and then why, and how, and a lot of crossing over and starting again.
Kyle
As Quique finishes the letter and puts it in the envelope, we just hear these ghostly deathly bells from outside. Noticing that, you quickly wrap it up and walk to the door.
Ari
Quique hands it in, if possible, just saying:
Ari (as Quique)
I know you probably can’t do much about that, but if there’s any way to make it arrive faster than usual… thanks buddy.
Kyle
[Chuckles.] Sparky, you get back home and you start flitting through the papers, right?
[Music ends.]
Hallie
Mm-hmm. With reckless abandon. I use my broken coffee maker to make coffee. It broke in the great space escape, but that’s fine.
Kyle
If I understand correctly, this completes your investigation tracker.
Hallie
It does! I had 6 and now I have 7, if you give me a point.
Kyle
So you get a big plot revelation.
Hallie
I sure do.
Kyle
Sparky, you’re sorting through the papers, and a lot of it is the stuff you already saw, in addition to the second blank Booker page which you never actually gave to Hilda despite the substantial effort it took to retrieve.
ScubaCorp, ever since coming into town, grabs all the rutabagas. They’re bought by Sammy Ester who buys them from Out of Thyme. You gain a little more insight into why they buy the rutabagas, which instead of being some grand conspiracy seems to simply be that Oset really likes them. Like, there’s a lot of Scuba family rutabaga recipes.
But, concerning Out of Thyme’s rutabagas in particular, you specifically learn that Sammy Ester is the one who buys it, picks it up, and gives it to Oset Scuba. He delivers it by hand, and Oset, through records and chat logs, seems very agitated when anyone else tries to. Like, he slapped it out of Maybelline’s hand when she tried once.
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle
Further enforcing what Lucas said, that there seems to be a lot of trust between the two of these.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
One of the things you see is… you see Oset being like—he’s asking for a rutabaga, essentially, in one of these things. He says someone please get Mr. Ester. Crossed out. Sammy. Crossed out. Sam-Sam? Crossed out. My number two. Crossed out. My partner. Crossed out.
[01:05:00]
Finally, the only thing he could land on was “the rutabaga boy.”
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Suddenly, you remember your vision from the beginning of this campaign, the one that ended with the message “protect the rutabaga or the world ends.” That part, “protect the rutabaga or the world ends,” that’s the part you’ve remembered, but then all of the other images start flashing through your mind with this new context.
You remember the vision of a tower stretching into the sky, far higher than any other skyscraper. The vision of fierce Necromon battles, and one of the figures you can now see is a giant dragon with piercing white eyes. But, the most notable feature you remember is a patchwork sewn-together hand and a string of yarn hair, and you realize that the message “protect the rutabaga or the world ends” is not talking about protecting the Out of Thyme rutabagas.
[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]
You realize that, in order to stop the world from ending, you need to save Sammy Ester.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh cripes.
[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]
Emily
Yeah. Quique watched Eddie get taken down by an 11-year-old like three days ago.
Ari
Yeah, exactly. We can do this anytime, you know.
Emily
By three days I mean a month.
Kyle
You mean like five months ago.
Emily
Not “five” months ago.
Kyle
It was a month between that and camping, and then it’s been like two-to-three months since then, so like four months.
Emily
Oh, it has?
Kyle
Yeah.
Tom
Kyle keeps time-skipping us.
Kyle
Time progresses in our world the same as it does in—
Emily
I thought that it was a month between each session.
Kyle
Oh. You’re referring to something that happened earlier in Die Hard?
Emily
Yeah.
Kyle
Okay. I thought you were talking about the first time she took down Eddie. I was like, that was months ago.
Ari
We’ve been months in this heist.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Time moves so quickly in the ScubaCorp Spacescraper. It’s been ten years!
Hallie
Has anybody seen the Mr. Bones video?
Tom
What?
Ari
No?
Kyle
[Laughs.] What?!
Hallie
David showed it to me and someone made a rollercoaster on Rollercoaster Tycoon called Mr. Bones.
Tom
Send it to us.
Kyle
I think I’ve seen that. I want to see that. Yes, send that to us.
Hallie
And the ride time is like 12 months.
Kyle
Yes! I’ve seen that. Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. He made the world’s slowest ride.
Hallie
[Squeaking in delight.] It’s Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. That’s what it is. Then, the ride exit is just another way to get to the ride entrance.
Ari
Oh no!
Hallie
And the narrator is like “it’s been one year on Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. The passengers are starving. Mutiny has broken out.” And that’s what I thought of just now.
Kyle
Here, we found the episode, Mr. Scuba’s Wild Ride.
[Laughter.]
The van was itself a John McClane.
Hallie
[Cackles.] Didn’t expect John McVlan, did you? Here comes John McVlan, that’s his name now. That’s my car’s name. Hannelore had The Red Mary. Sparky has John McVlan.
Ari
[Amused.] John McClan.
Hallie
McVlan? McVan?
Tom
[Delighted.] John McPlane!
Hallie
McPlane! McVehicle.
And I just… I blow on it.
Kyle
Maybelline puts her hand with one of the guns up to her ear and says:
Hallie
Well, it’s silent to other people. It’s like a bison whistle, Kyle. Keep up.
Tom
Maybe she’s part car. Maybe she’s part car!
Hallie
[Laughing.] Maybe she’s part car.
Tom
She’s a cyborg.
Hallie
Didn’t Hilda drive the van in one episode?
Tom
I drove in a semi-canonical precursor to the campaign.
Hallie
Oh my god.
Tom
In which I tried to park Sparky’s car.
Hallie
That’s right.
Kyle
That was in a parking lot, and she also scraped multiple cars.
Hallie
Okay, well…
Tom
I failed very badly and made things a lot worse.
Kyle
With a roar, the White-Eyes Blue Dragon and all of the other Necromon surround Eddie, Ronda, Maybelline, and the second Quiclone, and Ronda just goes…
Kyle (as Ronda)
Oh dear.
Emily
I want to take in the Quiclone too.
Kyle
Okay—!
Emily
He was just a little—
Hallie
I was gonna joke that you’d have to tear Pokeyo away from the sad skeleton, but it would be really funny if he just came along.
Tom
We just cut and he’s in there.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle
We cut away and we see the car… We don’t even see how it gets to the ground.
Hallie
We just know it did.
Kyle
And yeah, all of you and the quiet Quiclone are in the car.
[01:10:00]