21. The State v. Irene Hawthorne (Part 3) Transcript
Transcript by Raina Harper
Kyle
Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…
[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]
Kyle (as ethereal voice)
Protect the rutabaga or the world ends.
Emily (as Irene)
I have been accused of murder.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Provided my poor enfeebled sister did somehow kill a man, then I will prove it.
Emily (as Irene)
Hilda, you need to win the tournament for me.
Kyle (as Oset)
In Oset Scuba’s court of law, proof of evidence lands on the defendant.
Tom (as Hilda)
We escaped from the tower by fighting the hostage takers and also Maybelline.
Kyle
Both Maybelline and Eddie want the blank Booker page.
Kyle (as Lucas)
I found a hai-clue.
Hallie (as Sparky)
And do you have the envelope it came from?
Kyle (as Lucas)
[Shaky.] Not on me, but I can go get it.
Tom (as Hilda)
Is he really just a mass of Necromon eels?
Kyle
The card is signed by Lucas Bang.
Hallie
[Into her hands.] Nooo!
[Music swells and carries into the episode.]
Kyle
It is the next morning, the day of the Intermortal Necromon Championship finals. As we look at the arena, the crowd looks the same. They’re cheering, they’re booing, they’re really riled up. But on the field, where previously there was a court and a couple of tall towers for fighting, there’s just a giant jumbotron, and this jumbotron peers in to a very different kind of court.
[Uptempo courtroom music plays.]
All four of you are currently standing outside of the courtroom at the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement. Irene is there with you. She is there in the flesh, not as a phantom this time, although she does have her hands tightly handcuffed together.
Emily
Irene is pissed.
Emily (as Irene)
Hilda, what are you doing here?
[Music ends.]
Tom (as Hilda)
Irene, I need to talk to you about something.
Emily (as Irene)
[Stammers.] Okay, but hurry up so then you can leave and go fight in my stead.
Tom (as Hilda)
I can’t leave and go fight in your stead.
Emily (as Irene)
What do you mean you can’t? You can. You’re my rival, that’s what you do.
Tom (as Hilda)
Well, one, we never actually got our duel because you were arrested and illegally the tournament was interrupted, so we don’t even know if I should go onto the final round. But, even if you did, I was going to protest not do the final round even if I won.
Emily (as Irene)
What…?
Tom (as Hilda)
Oset Scuba is a huge jerk, and his tournament doesn’t deserve our respect. Also because I don't know if dueling is what I want, you know?
Emily (as Irene)
Of course it is what you want.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie
[Chuckling.] Duh.
Tom (as Hilda)
I still like the duels I had with you, but I don’t think this is what I want to do and focus on as my thing. You know? I know everybody’s gotta have a thing, but I don't know if dueling is “my” thing, so I wanted to tell you honestly instead of just ignoring it or saying technically the match isn’t happening right now because Oset Scuba is busy too and he wouldn’t fight me anyway.
Emily (as Irene)
Thank you for acknowledging that this is part of your… that this is the part of your arc where you lose faith in yourself and your vision of your future. I appreciate your sharing with me. I look forward to when you rejoin the dueling circuit, but I am still not thrilled that you are here.
Kyle
It’s like Spider-Man 2. We’re just in the middle of Spider-Man 2. That’s what’s going on.
Tom
Hilda’s just gonna place her hands on Irene’s shoulders.
[Emotional piano music begins.]
Tom (as Hilda)
I’ll still duel with you whenever you want, and Booker still means the world to me, but I’m not a duelist like you. That’s something I can never hope to replicate. Anyway, let’s go—
[Music ends abruptly.]
Emily (as Irene)
Wow! That was a nice car over there… out the window!
Emily
She says, not acknowledging.
Hallie
Sparky, thinking that when Irene is like “that’s a nice car” that Irene’s gonna start walking over there to admire the car to physically distance herself from this conversation, reaches out and gently grabs Irene’s arm and pulls her back. Even though Irene isn’t actually going anywhere, she just pulls her back anyway.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hold up. Hold up. Before you go out there and not to jail, there is something I should tell everyone. Do you remember the lake? The underground one.
Tom (as Hilda)
Unfortunately, yes.
Hallie (as Sparky)
The big underground one. Yeah, that’s the one. The unfortunate one.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes, the one that you came from, as a matter of fact.
Kyle
Irene’s just looking there very confused.
[00:05:00]
Emily
Irene has got her arms very, very tightly crossed and her shoulders are scrunched way up. She just… she is upset. She is upset. But Booker is very interested.
Ari (as Quique)
Do you think it’s really the time to talk about whatever that is, Sparky?
Hallie (as Sparky)
I don't know, actually. You know, you tell me. When I was in the lake, you pulled me out of the water or something, didn’t you?
[Tense ambient music begins.]
Ari (as Quique)
Uh… maybe.
Ari
He’s gonna shrug.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, I thought it was weird too. But anyway. The weirder thing is, before you did that, I had like a… Look, I’m not proud of the words I’m about to say, but I had a vision.
Ari (as Quique)
I remember you were talking something about a vegetable or something. Some carrots or something that you had forgotten.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Rutabagas!
Ari (as Quique)
That, yeah.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Rutabagas, Quique.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah. I was like, once again like I’m thinking now, I was like is this really the time to talk about such an unrelated topic.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Ha-ha… Did you know that Sammy Ester, the victim in this case, bought just so many rutabagas for Oset Scuba? And you’d think “why does that matter, Sparky,” but it matters because in my vision, you see, I kept hearing “protect the rutabaga or the world ends, protect the rutabaga or the world ends.” What does it mean? I’ve been asking myself that for months, and it was a vision in a weird underground lake. I don't know what it means. But, Sammy Ester bought rutabagas for Oset Scuba, so much so that in these documents…
Hallie
And she takes out the papers that she had where she found out how many rutabagas. Because it was written down, wasn’t it? Like, Sammy was rutabaga boy.
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
Yeah. She takes those out.
Kyle
Oset specifically called him the rutabaga boy after trying so many different variations.
Hallie
Yeah, she takes them out and shakes them.
Hallie (as Sparky)
So much so that Sammy Ester was known to Oset Scuba as “the rutabaga boy.”
Emily (as Irene)
Is that what you were doing with those papers? I thought you were trying to make me not go to jail for murder.
[Music ends.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
That too. That’s on this page. It’s double-sided. But you know, it can’t be a coincidence that… rutabagas. They can’t be a coincidence.
[Music ends.]
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!
Hallie (as Sparky)
They just can’t! They just… they just can’t.
Emily (as Booker)
[Firmly.] Rekoob.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Thank you, Booker. Yes. We’re on the same page, right? Ha-ha! See what I did there?
Emily (as Booker)
[Delighted, smug.] Rekoob. Rekoob!
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, the same page. You see, it has some things to do with everything.
Ari
Quique is just going to look through the papers that Sparky has, kinda read them and be like:
Ari (as Quique)
I mean, I guess that is kind of strange and interesting, but this rutabaga boy is the victim that we ended up finding, in theory.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Ari (as Quique)
So like, the world is still around.
Hallie (as Sparky)
For now!
Ari (as Quique)
So what’s up with that? Did your vision set up a timer? “Or the world ends 24.2 hours after the rutabaga is lost.”
Hallie (as Sparky)
No, it did not, which I suppose is a blessing.
Emily (as Irene)
So perhaps that was optimistic. It was just saying “oh, you don’t have to worry about the world ending until after this point.”
Tom (as Hilda)
I believe you, Boss. I had a weird dream down in the lake too. That’s how I found Booker.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!
Tom (as Hilda)
But, how do we even stop the world from ending? Is Oset Scuba going to just blow up the world because he’s so mad? I don't know.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, I guess knowing how the world would end and by whom would kind of be useful for your vision, Sparky. I feel like we are kind of missing clues here.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I’m not the one who gave myself the vision! Talk to the vision giver. I don't know.
Tom (as Hilda)
Do you know anything about this, Booker?
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!
Emily
He says, because that is the only thing that he is able to say.
[Laughter.]
Tom
Necromon can communicate things! They can gesture. If Pikachu knew something about a vision, Pikachu would try to tell us.
Hallie
Yeah.
Emily
Does he know anything about this, Kyle?
Kyle
The only thing Booker remembers besides everything after meeting Hilda is…
Tom
The one page?
Kyle
…the one page.
Tom
Damn it.
Tom (as Hilda)
If only we had another page.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh… Oh.
Hallie
Sparky opens up her SmackBook Pro case and is digging through all of these other papers that she has, double-sided, and then she’ll pull out the second blank page which I have not presented to people yet.
Emily
Booker launches himself straight into Sparky’s stomach and scrabbles up.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh god! Oh god! Okay, okay, here. You can take it.
Tom (as Hilda)
How long did you even have that?!
Hallie (as Sparky)
I don’t remember.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob! Rekoob!
Tom
[laughs.]
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!
Hallie (as Sparky)
You can take it. You can take it.
Emily
I want it.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Okay. So, Booker has had two blank pages, right? The first one Oset gave Lucas. That was the first one.
[00:10:00]
This one was the one that Eddie and Maybelline were trying to get and Eddie claimed that his benefactor wanted.
Hallie
Yes.
Tom
Mm-hmm.
Kyle
Just like last time, he eats it, nom-nom-nom. A fire goes off right outside the courtroom.
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Booker)
[Deep, bellowing and echoed.] Rekoob~!
Tom
I’m just picturing it as the Miraidon-Koraidon pulse when they eat sandwich.
Kyle
[Laughs.] yes!
Tom
[Mimics the sound.]
Kyle
Pokémon stole our idea.
Hallie
Pokémon!
Kyle
God, come on.
Hallie
They’re always doing that.
Tom
Come on, Game Freak. How dare you take a concept from us? We would never do that to you.
Hallie
[Giggles.]
Kyle
Booker ignites with blue energy, and specifically his flaming blue eye gets a lot bigger and a lot fiercer. Inside of it, a silhouette appears.
[Mysterious music box music begins.]
It’s a bit hard to tell silhouettes, but when you’ve only seen one silhouette in a flaming eye, it’s pretty easy to tell if you’re seeing the same one again. You see the silhouette of a tall man, the silhouette of Mateo. He is pacing back and forth. There’s a spring to his step—there was always a spring to his step, but this one has a bit more anxious energy, the kind that you know what happened when either, A, he was really on the verge of something great, or B, he fucked up, and the two of those were pretty often intertwined.
Ari
I assume Quique’s also able to see.
Kyle
Yeah. Everyone can see and hear this vision that’s happening.
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Mateo)
Well friend, we sure stepped in it this time, didn’t we? Heh… Oof.
[Silly music begins.]
Ari (as Quique)
[Projecting.] Can you hear me?
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle
He turns when you say that.
Kyle (as Mateo)
I desperately hope that whoever is watching this can hear me. Unfortunately, this is the only way I can get this message out.
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob?
Kyle (as Mateo)
Yes, yes, yes. I’ve considered telling Aurelio, but—
Ari (as Quique)
Well tell me! Why didn’t you tell me things?! Ugh. Literally, that was your thing. It’s knowing things. You can tell me things too. It’s not some one-way…
Ari
He’s just gonna be screaming as the message keeps playing.
Hallie
Because Sparky wanted to hear, she was like…
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Hushed.] Quique, shut up.
Hallie
…and pushing him.
Ari (as Quique)
[Loudly.] You shut up, Sparky!
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
This could be important!
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Mateo)
There are… they have insight everywhere, but my dear, my companion, my friend, I believe you can relay this message, if not to Aurelio then to someone who may help.
Emily (as Booker)
[Concerned.] Rekoob…?
Kyle (as Mateo)
[Softly.] I know.
[Threatening piano music begins.]
If you’re watching this, if my good friend here, my companion has found you, then I unfortunately have dire news. She is already here. Now, I have outlined the rest of these pages with more information, not only about her but about the other six. Each of them will tell you exactly what you need to do and exactly what you need to be aware of, but you need to be aware of her above all else. If she is here, no one can be trusted, no one except yourself. Trust your gut, and if you can’t do that, then trust no one.
Kyle
And the flame goes back in.
[Music trails off dramatically.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
You don’t have a gut anymore, Quique. What are you gonna do?
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Ari
Quique is completely ignoring that and still screaming at the now-gone video.
Ari (as Quique)
Agh! You have to be so cryptic. You know, all of this could potentially have been avoided if you have included any of this information. I know there’s a delay on our potential communication sources, but come on. I have the most privileged… Ugh!
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob. Rekoob!
Ari (as Quique)
Yes. Why does he have to be so cryptic all the time?
Ari
He’s just pacing around.
Emily
Booker kicks your shoe with his little leg, like “don’t yell at Mateo.”
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Booker)
[Indignant.] Rekoob!
Tom (as Hilda)
Admittedly, it would have been nice if he had put a little bit more in this page instead of the others.
Emily (as Booker)
[Grumpy.] Rekoob…
Tom (as Hilda)
I guess we have to find more pages, probably at least six based on the way he’s talking about those.
Ari (as Quique)
I have to write more things now. For a person that loves information so much, would it kill him to not deliver it in such a piecemeal information? Would that starve you, Mateo?! Why? Why…?Ugh.
Hallie (as Sparky)
You know what you sound like, Quique?
Ari (as Quique)
What?
Hallie (as Sparky)
A frustrated investigative reporter.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
That is absolutely not what I sound like. You completely do not understand the concept…
Hallie (as Sparky)
I don't know. I could probably get witnesses to swear to that. We’re in a courthouse. I think they’d probably—
Tom (as Hilda)
I think technically we’re still outside the courthouse right now.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay, well we’re in the vicinity of a courthouse.
[00:15:00]
Emily (as Irene)
This is great, but did you prepare for my case at all or was it all about the rutabaga boy and a weird vision quest you had in a cave?
Hallie
Sparky looks at Irene for a second and then says:
Hallie (as Sparky)
Kids, why don’t you go on into the courtroom first?
Emily (as Irene)
Bye, Hilda.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Tom (as Hilda)
[As if shrugging.] Okay.
Tom
Hilda will go with Booker.
Hallie
Irene’s going too, right? You’re both gone?
Emily
Yeah. We can say she left, but she did not include herself in “kids, leave.”
Hallie
Right.
Kyle
By the way, as they leave, I just want to note that Irene is immediately accosted by a very tired and very sweaty Earl who has just a bunch of papers.
[Silly ambling music begins.]
Kyle (as Earl)
I got all your book reports. I got all the good things your teachers said about you. We’re gonna show them that you’re a good kid who wouldn’t do anything like this.
[Big emotional sounds.]
Emily
Aww! Earl!
Hallie
Oh~! The good noodle stars.
Kyle
So yeah, you have all of Irene’s projects for the past, like… since she went to school, including preschool.
Tom
Add it to the fucking court record.
Hallie
Yeah, do it.
Kyle
Okay, anyways. Hallie, you wanted to do something.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
Sparky will start putting away all the documents she’s been wildly gesturing with back in her bag in a semi-organized form. It’s not really organized, but it’s more than she normally does. Then she’ll clear her throat.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Um… Quique?
Ari
Quique basically didn’t notice that the kids are gone and stuff. He has still been just pacing over this information. At Sparky saying that, he’s gonna be like:
Ari (as Quique)
[Cranky.] What?!
Wait. Where did the kids go?
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
I sent them in ahead of time. I needed to, um… well, I needed to ask you questions, but not the kind that you hate.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, that would be a first I think, but okay. Lay them down, partner. … Actually, that sounded awful. Say it down, Sparky.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Um… how do you do it?
Ari (as Quique)
How do I do what?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Like… it, this whole thing. With the exception of you pacing back and forth across the floor, whatever that was. How do you, um… remain so composed?
Ari (as Quique)
Well, really you just have to gain the confidence of a very assured detective and investigator. The first thing is obviously reading up on some key mystery material, starting with Les Detectstuff novels, many of which have involved a trial, believe it or not. That’s the second volume of the series. But anyways.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I wish you would have told me that last night when I had time to read a trial book before this, but continue. Go on. Yes.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, you didn’t ask me, Sparky. People don’t ask me things that are relevant.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Exhales.] Okay.
Ari (as Quique)
But regardless, you adopt that persona so to speak, just get into the detective mindset, and then usually in the books things go according to plan, so it will go according to plan here as well.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay, but what if that plan involves bringing to light something you’d prefer a person you are perhaps close with had done?
Ari (as Quique)
[Sighs.] Well, I mean, believe it or not, Sparky, I am kind of in that same scenario for a different reason. I don't know what the person did, but apparently it was something world-ending and cryptic. I guess, for that, I don’t actually have the answer. You saw me pacing around. I’m still figuring that out myself.
[Tender guitar music begins.]
So, um… you know, we could try and figure out together how to deal with that specific thing. I assume in this case it is related to this particular case. I hope mine is not related to this particular case, but you never know.
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Emotional.] Yeah, uh… I know we have a lot of work to do, and frankly I don’t want to do it. I know that I have no right to ask this because of how I’ve been over the years. You could even say that this whole clone thing was my fault if you really wanted to go into specifics and dissect it piece by piece. But um… listen. I have always asked you questions because I admire you, and I didn’t like what I was writing about for whatever job I was working on between real things like investigating rutabagas, so I guess I’m sorry because, frankly, going into this trial I don’t know if I can do it alone.
Ari
Quique is going to approach Sparky and give her a hug. Not like a, I mean, you know…
Hallie
It’s like an awkward hug between two people who haven’t ever hugged before.
Ari
Yeah. Yeah.
Kyle
The pat-pat.
Hallie
“There-there.” Pat-pat.
Tom
Pat… pat.
Ari
Pat-pat. But like, it’s gonna be an earnest attempt, because he also doesn’t super do that but he sees that Sparky is distressed.
[00:20:00]
Ari (as Quique)
You know, you don’t have to go through this alone, Sparky.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah… Yeah. I’m glad you feel that way.
[Music ends. Emotional chuckling.]
Hallie
I haven’t mentioned this before, but she’s wearing kind of a long heavy coat covering her outfit.
Kyle
What color is it, Hallie?
Hallie
The raincoat? It’s not Colombo color. I know you’re leading into that.
Kyle
I was like, is it beige like Colombo would wear?!
Hallie
[Laughs.] No, it’s black because I’m doing something fucking different! I can’t put this image in our Zoom chat, so it will have to go in our Must Read chat. She takes off the coat to reveal this exact outfit.
Kyle
Ha! It’s a long purple coat and scarf that Martin Short wears in Only Murders in the Building.
Emily
[Squeaks in delight.]
Ari
[Smiling.] Oh my god! Hallie! Oh my god.
Hallie
But it’s like a feminine version of that, so imagine like a pencil skirt with tights and…
Ari
Okay, then I have to. I just have to show my outfit then. Just give me a second.
Hallie
[Laughs.] This colorful but professional “I’m gonna kick your ass in court.”
Tom
Hilda wore like a blue polo today.
Kyle
[Laughs.] Irene wore jail clothes.
Ari
This is what Quique’s wearing.
Kyle
Quique has a coat from the other old man from Only Murders in the Building. This is a suitcoat with a sweater vest, a collar, and a… What kind of hat is that?
Ari
It’s like a bowler hat.
Kyle
Yeah.
Emily
I am so happy that this is what is happening right now.
Kyle
So, this unlikely duo of investigators, except one is a detective and one is a lawyer now…
Hallie
For today.
Kyle
For today.
Hallie
I have my Today Lawyer certification.
Kyle
…walk into the courtroom.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Uptempo court music begins.]
Previously, I had us use the Paint the Scene mechanic, a mechanic from Brindlewood Bay, as a way of emphasizing a scene. I want to do it with the courtroom. I want you to tell me what is one detail about this courtroom that showcases the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement’s unsettling bureaucracy. I’ll start with mine. The stenographer is all hands.
Tom
[Chuckles.]
Ari
All hams…?
Kyle
All hands.
Ari
Okay. I thought you said “all hams” and I was like, what does this mean.
Kyle
We do have a ham man in the Explorers Wanted spinoff episode, and I consider all spinoffs canon, so ham men do in fact exist in this world.
[Laughter.]
But no, all hands. Whether or not they’re ham I’ll leave up to the audience to decide.
Tom
I wanna go next because I want to get my detail in. There are no windows in this building at any point. Anything that could conceivably be a window isn’t.
Kyle
No. Yes, absolutely.
Tom
It would be distracting.
Kyle
It would be distracting.
Ari
Okay, I think I have one, but I need to ask. Is there the equivalent of a Constitution or a Bill of Rights or whatever in the Hereafter?
Tom
Getting into the deep lore now.
Kyle
There is the equivalent of a Constitution. There is not an equivalent of the Bill of Rights.
Tom
Oof.
[Music changes to Yankee Doodle.]
Ari
Okay. My thing was, I’m watching Breaking Bad and there’s this skeevy lawyer. In his office he has the entire Declaration of Independence in his wall in his office, and it’s so tacky. I want the court to have that in the entire walls.
Kyle
Yeah. The judge’s stand, right behind it has what looks like a mix of the Declaration and Constitution, and also the Bible’s Ten Commandments. These are the Doctrines of The Powers That Be. It’s a list of rules and ideals, some very specific like “here’s…” I actually haven’t read much of the Constitution.
Tom
[Laughs.]
Kyle
But like, you know how sometimes they dictate things like ‘here’s how taxes work’ to things like ‘thou shalt not kill.’
Tom
Thanks, I hate it.
Kyle
It is just like anything in that realm, and it is adorning the wall. It is as tacky as the viewer’s imagination can make it.
Ari
[Chuckling.] yeah.
[Music changes back to uptempo courtroom music.]
Kyle
Alright, so we have our Doctrine wall.
Emily
It smells like rubbing alcohol.
Ari
Oh gross. Well, not gross but weird. Weird to have that in there and not in hospital where it should stay.
[Laughter.]
Emily
It just feels like the official gross sterile uncomfortable feeling.
Tom
It has to be clean.
Kyle
Alright Hallie, what’s our last detail?
Hallie
I don’t know. I was just gonna say like a water cooler.
[laughter.]
Tom
It’s just constantly bubbling as if it were running.
Kyle
No, no, no! I like this. So, if it’s alright if I set the scene, we are in the courtroom. We see no walls…
Hallie
[Smiling.] No windows?
Tom
No windows?
[00:25:00]
Kyle
We see a bunch of people sitting on the little viewing platforms, and we do have a couple of cameras that are projecting to the jumbotron. We see our Doctrine wall. We have our stenographer using all their hands to do all the typing. Sparky, your nose… I don't know how well Quique can smell, but Sparky and Hilda, your noses twitch from behind the defendant council platform as you look across the way at Elliot Hawthorne who coolly turns to the water cooler that only the prosecution side has.
Tom
Aww… No.
Ari
That’s rude.
Hallie
[Laughs.] What a Phoenix Wright thing to do.
Kyle
He takes a drink from it, lifts it up to you, and then just takes a sip.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
Kyle, I will use an AP for this if I have to. I would like to pull out a flask from my SmackBook Pro bag.
Kyle
Okay, yeah, you have a flask. You don’t need an AP.
Hallie
I have a flask! I take a swig from it. It’s water, but I put it in a flask as a power play.
Kyle
He raises his eyebrow… shakes his head.
Hallie
Fuckin’, good!
Ari
I was gonna do a similar thing but I realized I don’t think I have any AP so I cannot.
Kyle
Oh, I didn’t make Hallie spend an AP because it made sense for her to have a flask there.
Ari
Oh. I use a regular water bottle, like one from outside a convenient store before coming in.
Hallie
Sparky, flexing with a flask. Quique, flexing with a regular water bottle.
Tom
Hilda forgot to get water before coming here.
Kyle
Elliot looks at you take a sip as well and seems a little upset that you’re trying to be involved and then just goes back to his paperwork.
Ari
I don’t really actually get that thirsty, but I think that could also be kind of a power move to do, which is why I got this bottle.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
[Amused.] Water is just dribbling down your bones?!
Ari
It is.
Hallie
Just through you.
Ari
He doesn’t even need it.
Kyle
Then, you can look over and you can see… Actually, we’ll have the defendant be next to you so that Irene can be involved. She’s not quite next to you but close enough. You see Irene sitting there, and behind her in the crowd, Sparky, you can see a very, very anxious Lucas Bang looking at you.
[Threatening mystery music begins.]
Hallie
At me? Oh… ouch.
Kyle
You can feel the envelope in the other hand, because actually, before everyone else got to the courtroom, or at least before you met up with everybody else, Lucas Bang gave you a glittery envelope, not addressed, and it just says “to PICLE” with a bunch of glittering makeup on it, very swirly handwriting. When he handed it to you, he said:
Kyle (as Lucas)
Um… you’ll do the right thing, Sparky. I have faith in you.
Hallie (as Sparky)
It would be awful to have your faith shaken, wouldn’t it?
Kyle
He sweats more and walks in.
[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
The attendant that Hilda and Quique saw when they first entered BITE, the one with the See no Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil body that just rotates 120 degrees…
Tom
[Shivers.]
Kyle
…she walks up. This one we’re gonna say doesn’t have any ears, but she has her eyes and her mouth.
Kyle (as attendant)
Please rise for The State v. Irene Hawthorne. Because of the extenuating circumstances, we have a new judge standing in for Judge Nosferatu. Could everyone please stand up for Judge Oset Scuba.
Tom
Oh… come on.
[Comic ambling villainous music begins.]
Kyle
And a very tired, very haggard Oset Scuba moves the gavel to the side and takes his wrist thing that he uses to take Necromon out and just slams it as the gavel. It’s time for a trial.
[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]
Kyle
[Musically.] Trial time! It’s time for a trial. Trial time! But announcements first~
That’s my trial time song. I usually sing to prep for these, but I graciously cut them out. Not this time, though, because it’s 2 AM and I’m too tired to care.
Our main announcement is what you’ve been hearing the past couple of episodes. We still have the End of Arc Audience Survey. This has a handful of questions to just get an idea of what’s working about the show, what kind of things we want to change, what kind of things we want to double down on, and at the end you have an opportunity to submit a question for our End of Arc Q&A that we’re doing at the end of the month on February 28 at about 8 PM Central Time.
[00:30:00]
So, before then, if you could fill out our survey, you can find it linked in the description below.
In the description below, you’ll also find a link for this episode’s promo which is a… Wait a second. What’s that alarm on my—
[Alarm SFX.]
Sean Errey
If you enjoy audio drama and fiction podcasts, sign up for The Fiction Podcast Weekly. It’s an email newsletter with the latest news, events, creative opportunities, job listings, behind the scenes production resources, podcast milestones, debuts and finales. Plus, it’s free. Sign up now at thepodcasthost.com/fictionpodcastweekly.
Kyle
Fiction Podcast Weekly! It is one of the newsletters I am subscribed to. It has a lot of interesting things for folks who listen to audio fiction, produce audio fiction, or in many cases do both. So, if you’re interested, you can find a link to The Fiction Podcast Weekly below or you can go to thepodcasthost.com/fictionpodcastweekly.
In addition to all of that stuff, we mentioned another crossover bonus episode this time, the Explorers Wanted one which was called Suddenly Ham Bath… which is about as self-explanatory as a premise like that can get in a title.
That’s all I’ve got for you today, though. We’ve got one episode left in the ScubaCorp arc, The State v. Irene Hawthorne, Part 4, which will be coming out on Monday, February 27. I’ll see you there.
[Uptempo courtroom music carries out of the announcements.]
Kyle
So, the way the trial is going to work is it’s similar to the video game Ace Attorney. Essentially what’s going to happen is our players have to unravel the who, the what, and the how of this mystery.
Tom
Was it why and how or what and how?
Hallie
The why and the how.
Kyle
Sorry, the who, the why, and the how. Yes. Who did it? Why did they do it? How did they do it?
Emily
The what was a murder.
Ari
Yes.
Tom
[Chuckles.]
Kyle
Well, you have a card with Sammy in it, so murder…
Hallie
It’s not even—It’s a staged murder. Who benefits from that? We’re gonna find out, gang.
Kyle
[Laughs.] Essentially what’s gonna happen is, after making his opening remarks – which actually, Elliot, we’re gonna have this explanation while Elliot in-universe is being like:
[Sinister piano music begins.]
Kyle (as Elliot)
I have been granted this wonderful thing from The Powers That Be, those who created the rules behind our universe and help keep us safe. As we all know, Sammy Ester was horribly struck down and driven to the Afterworlds. We will decide if the culprit should be cast into BITE’s jail for the most dangerous and depraved… Tartarus.
Kyle
He goes on and goes on. ‘I will prove,” and yada, yada, yada. Whatever. While he’s doing his opening remarks, you’re learning about the mechanics.
[Music changes to upbeat planning music.]
The mechanics being that you have three things you can do during a trial: you can object, you can press, and you can call a witness. Essentially, if a witness makes a statement that you have evidence that disproves it – so either they just said something that doesn’t match up or you have something in your court record, your list of evidence that contradicts them – you can go OBJECTION, or however you want to say it, and basically say “bullshit, I’ve got this evidence here.”
If your evidence doesn’t adequately disprove their testimony or point out a contradiction, you’re not gonna lose health or anything. I am just going to make a hard move against you. That being said, if you keep making mistakes, Oset the judge will stop believing you. That might be him calling Irene guilty, that might also just be him not letting you get away with other stuff because he’s mad at you, or maybe you’ve accidentally exposed something that Elliot can then use. Essentially—
Tom
We can lose this trial if we just completely fuck it up.
Kyle
Yeah. If you completely fuck it up, Irene does go to Tartarus, the ghost jail. You can press. Essentially, if you want to ask someone for more information, you can just ask a witness. Then finally, once you’ve finished with a witness, if you feel like you have a reasonable means to call another witness, you can do so. So you can be like, “you know what, we just talked about the ScubaCorp champion contract, let’s get, uh…” I would say let’s get Maybelline up here to discuss it more, but—
Hallie
[Grinning.] I was gonna be, like…
Kyle
She’s fled the country.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle
Like, let’s talk to Lucas about it, or Oset I guess, if you want to call the judge as a witness.
[Music ends.]
[00:35:00]
Hallie
That’s never been done in Phoenix Wright to my knowledge.
Kyle
Alright.
Tom
Don’t mind me, I’m just saving the game real quick.
[Laughter. Game save stinger plays.]
Kyle
Oset eventually just… his head moves over a little bit out of exhaustion, emotional and physical, and he says:
Kyle (as Oset)
Well, I suppose we had better get started. Is the prosecution ready?
Kyle
Elliot gets a big grin.
Kyle (as Elliot)
The prosecution is ready, your honor.
Kyle
And he turns and he glares a fierce glare that attempts to pierce each of your souls.
[Scary musical stinger plays.]
Kyle (as Oset)
Defense?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, we didn’t get an opening statement, but if we did, what it would have said was everything he said was a bunch of bologna.
Tom (as Hilda)
The defense is ready, your honor.
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I am making nothing but enemies today.
Kyle (as Elliot)
That being said, if it pleases you, judge—
Kyle (as Oset)
Nothing pleases me, nothing except justice!
[Giggling.]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, judge. Well, if the judge will so… if your honor—
Kyle
Oset kinda scoffs at that, but in a way he kinda likes it.
Kyle (as Elliot)
If it pleases your honor, I would like to call some of the Undertakers that were present at the scene of the crime.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Hey! Hey! Hey, Ron-12, you’re taking up all my—
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Ron-13, you’re too burly!
Hallie
Oh no!
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Hey, hey, hey!
[Bumbling silly music begins.]
Kyle
You’re just seeing in the small witness stand, Ron-13 and Ron-12, these two Undertakers trying to cram their way in.
Kyle (as Elliot)
State your name and profession, please.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
I’m Ron.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
And I’m Ron, too.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, we’re both Rons!
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, we’re Undertakers. I’m the thirteenth Ron, so I’m Ron-13.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
And I’m, I’m uh… I’m the eleventh Ron, so I’m Ron-12… No.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
You’re the twelfth. You’re the twelfth, Ron-12. You’re 12, I’m 13. We’re right after each other, right? Remember?
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Oh yeah, I do remember.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
But yeah, we trained all the time.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, we trained all—
Kyle (as Elliot)
[Slow and steady.] Trained for what, witnesses?
Tom
[Chuckles.]
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Uh, well…
Kyle
And they kinda just motion to their sunglasses and their khaki shorts and their belt badges and all of that stuff.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
[Chuckles.] We don’t mean to brag, but we trained to be part of the—
Kyle (as rocker vocalist)
RON SQUAD!
[Rock music stinger plays. Other music ends.]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, but what is the…
[Exasperated, dryly.] “hashtag Ron Squaaad”?
Hallie
[Giggles.]
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Oh yeah. We’re, um… We’re Undertakers. The last thing between us and chaos. Chaos not just being the Afterworlds as you described, but—
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Chaos being anything.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Like… murder?
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Exactly like murder! They should make you like a lawyer or something. Man, you’re so smart.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah!
Kyle
And they’re actually pointing to you as the defense while being like “wow, this guy’s so smart.”
Hallie
Christ.
Kyle
Elliot can’t help but smile at the truth in the Undertakers’ comments.
Hallie
[Shrieks in frustration.] I’m gonna kill him.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Alright. Could you explain to me what happened the night of the unfortunate murder of Sammy Ester?
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah-yeah, we’ll give our testimony now.
[Sci-fi swoosh and door slam SFX plays.]
Kyle
And then (mimics the sounds), “witness testimony” appears, music starts appearing.
Hallie
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Tom
Woo!
[Investigation music begins.]
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, so uh… Ron-12 and I weren’t there for that.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Nah, we weren’t there. We were doing some other stuff. You know, just having a good time, going to—
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Did you know that there’s this whole thing of food trucks downtown? Oh-ho! Man, we were investigating those if you know what I mean.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Anyways. So, uh, we arrived on the crime scene after a warrant was signed. Us and a bunch of hotshot Overseers.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
[Chuckles.] Yeah. They had the smiley one there. I like him. He always makes me feel at home.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Anyway. So, we arrived on the scene. We found a horrendous sight.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah. This poor sap had been stabbed in the heart, he had been splayed to all sides, and then there was just this deadly nightshade everywhere. It was quite the conundrum.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, it absolutely was. But then we saw deadly nightshade someplace else, and that one came from this little skeleton thing called a Boidelrat. Some witnesses at the crime scene saw that. Got attacked by it, actually. Ravenous thing.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, so uh, my guess would be that this creature just went, attacked this guy, cut him up a bit and stabbed him in the heart, then laid him out like a rug on the bed if you know what I mean.
[Chuckles.] And yeah, that’s how he died.
[Music ends.]
Emily
[Smiling.] So they think that Boidelrat did it?!
Kyle
Yes.
Tom
[Chuckles.] Maybe Rasputin was behind this all along.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Elliot)
No further questions, your honor.
[00:40:00]
Emily
So, like, I wanna know who are the witnesses who saw Boidelrat with deadly nightshade on her.
Tom
Yeah, we need to… I feel like we can pick this apart if we just press them on how do they actually know any of this information. This was always the weird thing about this case, that there was a warrant before we had even left the building.
Hallie
I agree. I want to press them on that statement.
Kyle
Okay.
[Objection SFX]
Hallie (as Sparky)
HOLD IT!
Kyle (as Ron-13)
[Disoriented sounds.]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Sparky… really?
Hallie (as Sparky)
I’m doing my job, Elliot. I thought you’d be happy.
Kyle
An earnest smile appears.
Hallie
Fuck! That’s what I didn’t want. Alright…
Kyle (as Elliot)
That’s my girl.
Emily
[Strained.] Oh no!
Hallie
What did he say?!
Kyle
He said that’s my girl.
Tom
Fuck this guy.
Kyle
And takes another sip of water from the—
Hallie
Kyle. Kyle. Oh my god. Do you remember? I messaged you about this. I wanted to retroactively slash his tires before we got into the courtroom.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Give me 1 AP.
Hallie
One AP to slash his tires.
Kyle
Alright, his tires will have been slashed.
Hallie
Hell yeah! Oh wait, I have 0 AP. Never mind, I can’t do that.
[Laughter.]
Fuck!
Tom
I like to imagine that this means Sparky tried to slash his tires but didn’t bring anything capable of actually punching through the rubber and just tried to go at them with keys or something for a little bit until giving up.
Hallie
She was using her SmackBook Pro. “Why won’t you slash?!”
Kyle
That’s where Lucas saw her and gave her the thing.
Tom
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Alright. Anyways.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Could you elaborate on when again you appeared on the scene?
Kyle (as Ron-13)
When again?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes. You mentioned that you showed up on the scene because of a warrant. Is that correct?
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Uh… Ron-13?
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, Ron-12?
Kyle (as Ron-12)
What’s a warrant?
Kyle (as Ron-13)
It’s like, it’s the thing that lets us do the cool stuff.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Oh yeah. Oh, that thing! Yeah, well uh…
[Investigation music begins.]
The warrant, that got signed, uh…
Kyle
Let me find the specific part of the fucking night.
Hallie
[Giggles.]
Kyle (as Ron-12)
That was, like, uh… 11:20 or something like that.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah. That was at 11:20. Well, we were already on the scene because there was some terrorist attack or something, so you know, didn’t expect to see someone murdered by a rat.
Hallie (as Sparky)
So then who, uh…
[Music ends. Realization ding SFX.]
Murdered by a rat? Elaborate on that, please.
Kyle
Elliot’s just going to sigh.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection, please. Sparky, Sparky…
Hallie (as Sparky)
You can’t object to “me.” What?
Kyle (as Elliot)
No, Sparky. You do understand that sometimes people will shorten words into shorter words, so by “rat” they mean…
Kyle
And he kinda motions for you to finish the word.
Kyle (as Elliot)
…something-rat?
Hallie (as Sparky)
Boidelrat, yes.
Tom (as Hilda)
I believe that we may have been misunderstood in our question and can clarify it further.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes, actually. The child is right, Elliot. You should listen to her more.
Tom (as Hilda)
We were not questioning the use of their word “rat” but rather wanted them to explain further what led them to this conclusion, what sort of evidence they had in their investigation, that sort of thing.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I was using their own words, in fact, to paraphrase back.
Kyle
Roll me Convince Somebody with Books, Tom. You’re trying to reason with Elliot here.
Tom
Sure, one sec. Let me get my dice!
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Tom
[Rolls.] That was a 9.
Kyle
Okay.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Fine, I’ll let the Undertakers answer that, but then I expect no more inquiry into that question. Is that right, your honor?
Kyle (as Oset)
Yes, that is correct.
Emily (as Irene)
Why?
Tom (as Hilda)
Objection! That’s completely unreasonable. We haven’t even heard what the evidence is yet. The whole purpose of a trial is to discuss that evidence.
Kyle (as Oset)
The whole purpose of the trial is for me to do a judgment, and you best be on your best behavior lest that judgment be unfavorable to you.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Okay, well uh… I actually just saw the body.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
I saw… I talked to the witness. Yeah, so uh…
Kyle
And a moment of realization. He looks at you, Quique.
[Realization ding SFX.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Oh, that guy told us!
Hallie
Ha…
Ari (as Quique)
What?
[Tense interrogation music begins.]
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah! You told Ron-13—
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, you told me how you were in the hall doing some, uh, you know, terroristy stuff that we talked about earlier.
Hallie
[Amused.] Terroristy stuff.
Ari (as Quique)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You say it was me, but I’ll say there’s many lookalikes of me in this place now, unfortunately.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Okay, sir. Wink!
Ari (as Quique)
Sure…
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, this group of vicious monsters went and just completely tackled you and then worse off this Boidelrat thing just prances around leaving all sorts of plants all over the place.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, absolutely. Then we cross-referenced the plants and we found they both had deadly nightshade, so… yeah.
Ari (as Quique)
So you’re just… as I understand, just for clarification, making a connection between an event that was told by you and comparing it to something that you’re just extrapolating? Those are events that you didn’t even see both of them.
[00:45:00]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Well unfortunately, Mr. Canaca…
Hallie (as Sparky)
That’s Dr. Canaca.
Ari (as Quique)
It is doctor. Thank you, Sparky. Thank you.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Right. Unfortunately, Mr. Canaca, if all crimes were to be seen directly then we would have no need for this court system. No, we must use empirical evidence.
Hallie (as Sparky)
We call that circumstantial, actually.
Ari (as Quique)
She’s right.
Kyle (as Elliot)
Regardless, we do have evidence that, at the scene of the crime, there was an outline of a skeleton-looking man that was surrounded in plants, including deadly nightshade, as was there an outline of deadly nightshade around the victim’s body.
Kyle
If you check your court record, those are both things that we have evidence of.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle (as Elliot)
So it seems reasonable, unless there were two plant lovers there that evening just throwing moss and other things throughout the halls of the Space scraper, that whoever put one in one place put them in the other place.
Emily (as Irene)
Multiple people garden, Elliot. It’s a very common hobby.
Tom
Honestly, I say we just cut to the chase and present the deadly nightshade. I want to object. We have video evidence under that entry that all deadly nightshade was in the corner of the room until the body appeared.
Ari
It also says that Irene cleaned her Boidelrat, which if they say they found it on the Boidelrat, but if Irene cleaned the Boidelrat, then that is actually incorrect.
Tom
My only concern is that I can’t remember exactly what established that Irene had cleaned the Boidelrat, but it’s in the court record.
Ari
It is in the court record.
Hallie
It was just Irene’s testimony. You don’t actually have evidence for that.
Tom
Damn it.
Hallie
I’m thinking about chaining two things together, but I don't know if that will work.
Tom
Do it.
Hallie
Alright. Here’s the thing. I’d like to present the deadly night shade as, like, Irene said she cleaned it, and then I’m sure they’ll be like “well, the killer is lying,” at which case I would like to present all of the homework and gold noodle stars that Earl passed in.
Emily
[Squeaks in delight.]
Hallie
“You think a child this fastidious would not clean her Boidelrat?!” That’s right, I wanna use that as motherfucking evidence. We added it to the court record.
Kyle
Okay!
Hallie
What?
Kyle
Do the objection. Let’s play it out.
Tom
Oh no…
[Objection SFX]
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Clears her throat.] Objection. We have on our testimony, the defendant, she had cleaned her Boidelrat of all the deadly nightshade.
[Objection SFX]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Hold it now! Are you really trusting the testimony of an accused killer, Sparky Malarky? I regret to inform you that killers also may lie sometimes.
[Objection SFX]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hang on!
[Upbeat mystery music begins.]
We also have on the court record an entire history of the defendant’s homework, book reports and other papers of very serious nature that adequately, more than adequately I should say, display the defendant’s fastidious nature. Now do you think, all lying aside, a child displaying this kind of attention to detail, organization and cleanliness would not clean her Boidelrat?
Kyle
Earl is beaming, by the way. He’s just so happy.
Emily
Aww.
Hallie
Great. I’ve made one friend. It’s Earl.
[Objection SFX]
Kyle (as Elliot)
Now-now! Sparky, just because somebody did one thing does not mean they’d do another. Plenty of serial killers were and still are in some cases very productive members of society, and—
[Objection SFX]
Emily (as Irene)
Objection! You are priming people to be more likely to think that I am a worse person because you referenced serial killers.
Tom (as Hilda)
This is an unwarranted personal attack on the defendant.
Emily (as Irene)
It’s petty and inappropriate!
Kyle (as Elliot)
Every serial killer starts with their first, dear sister.
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle (as Elliot)
In either case, this is hardly any—
[Realization ding SFX. Music ends.]
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Kyle
Ron-12 pipes up.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, that convinces me.
Kyle (as Ron-13)
Yeah, it totally does. Yeah, absolutely. You know, that’s, uh… that is Overseer work right there. Someone did that? We will strike our testimony absolutely.
Kyle (as Ron-12)
Yeah, let’s strike it from the record.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Thus let it be stricken!
Hallie
Then she does a dramatic scarf thing.
Kyle (as Elliot)
I would like to object to this, please.
Kyle
Oset just stares at him.
Kyle (as Oset)
You dare question your own witnesses’ judgment?
Hallie
Ha!
[Ghostly credits music begins.]
Kyle (as Oset)
Not the thing a proper leader would do. It is stricken from the record!
Kyle (as Elliot)
Well, fantastic Sparky, now we have no record and no witnesses.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Au contraire mon frère!
Tom
[Chuckles.]
[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]
[00:50:00]
Hallie
Anybody has to help me. I don’t have a follow-up for that.
Ari
Oh no.
[Laughter.]
Tom
Just to make sure I’m reading the situation, Elliot has no further witnesses to call?
Kyle
Not at the moment. This was a setup for if you want to call a witness you can.
Tom
I’m not sure how aggressively we want to push “right now” right now, because Ace Attorney trials have a tempo to them, but also fuck that. I care only about winning.
Emily
I wanna question Elliot about what my motive is.
Hallie
That’s a good call, actually. Let’s do that.
Emily
Also, we can present at some point Sammy’s card. That’s another big one that we can do.
Hallie
Yeah, that’s definitely a clincher that we happen to have, though.
Tom
Honestly, I’m debating between Lucas and Maybelline as the people we call.
Emily
Well, we can’t call Maybelline.
Hallie
We can’t call Maybelline.
Kyle
Maybelline has crossed state lines.
Hallie
She’s fled.
Kyle
We’re gonna cut to Maybelline just on the back of a train…
Tom
We can’t just be like “alright, we’re gonna adjourn and resume tomorrow when Detective Gumshoe has spent 12 hours straight hunting down this character.”
Hallie
[Laughs.] Yes, yes, yes!
Tom
I want everyone to know that I almost put a big Dual Destinies spoiler in as my background.
Kyle
Oh no.
Hallie
No!
Ari
Oh, I think I know what it is. I know what it is. I think Kyle maybe knows about that spoiler, but I’m not sure.
Kyle
I mean, I’m fine with it. I’m probably not gonna play those games.
Hallie
God damn it, Kyle!
Ari
It’s too late now, Hallie. The optimal time has passed.
Hallie
No!
Ari
I don’t think I’ll play. I think I might have even deleted it because I needed space on my Switch.
Hallie
No. Fuck you. God damn it. I am coming to your houses and I am playing The Great Ace Attorney for all of you. That is my threat to you for 2023 going into 2024 depending on vacation time.
Kyle
The details of the case aren’t super big. The important thing is that the culprit, and the person who asked them for help, actually, was named Miss Mictoria. You’ve since found that Maybelline’s last name is Mictoria. She’s definitely not Miss Mictoria because Miss Mictoria was an older lady 23 years ago and Maybelline is your age.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle
Unless she’s found the fountain of youth.
Hallie
It’s possible!
Kyle
That’s a possibility. It’s possible!
Hallie
It’s possible.
Kyle
It is possible.
Tom
It’s the sort of thing you’d say, like, “oh, there’s no way she could have found the fountain of youth,” and then a few months later… it was the fountain of youth all along! You missed all my clues!
Kyle
Is there a PETA for Necromon? I don’t know, Emily, but they’re probably the worst. Eddie is in charge of PETA now. Would they defend Irene in court? Necromon shouldn’t be owned. All Necrocards should be destroyed. It doesn’t matter that it actually hurts Necromon.
Emily
But, he was keeping them trapped.
Kyle
Yeah, but your Necromon, you have forcefully attached them to your soul. That’s not correct treatment. PETA fucking sucks. They will never defend anyone reasonable, Emily.
Emily
Well, well, well… I know that they suck, I was just thinking that worse comes to worst we could bring out Necromon PETA and…
Kyle
Worse comes to worst, you can give me an AP and you can bring in Necromon PETA.
Hallie
Call it PIKA.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I kept hearing “save the rutabaga, save the world, save the rutabaga, save the world,” and it’s been driving me up the wall for all these months! I can’t—
Kyle
[Laughing.] Close—
Hallie
What?
Kyle
Closer to “protect the rutabaga or the world ends.”
Hallie
Protect the rutabaga! God! Okay, I’m redoing that because I don’t want to quote—
Kyle
I didn’t want to steal from Heroes directly…
Hallie
That’s what I was quoting. Okay.
Kyle
…so I paraphrased it into “protect the rutabaga or the world ends.”
Hallie
Let me just not plagiarize that one then.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
The vision said something like “protect the rutabaga, protect the world, protect the rutabaga, protect the world—”
Ari
[Amused.] Hallie…
Kyle
Protect the rutabaga or the world ends.
Ari
I mean, to be fair, it sounds more seamless in the way Hallie’s saying it.
Kyle
Oh, it’s definitely much better, I just didn’t want to steal from Heroes which is why I changed my phrasing.
I want to follow up what Ari said, Ari’s little comment. I want to make it that this smells like rubbing alcohol, but completely unrelated, hospitals do not in this world.
[Laughter.]
Ari
Oh no!
Hallie
No!
Tom
Oh…
Ari
Maybe that’s why there are so many ghosts.
Tom
[Delighted.] Ghosts?! Oh… Maybe in this world hospitals are just hospice.
Ari
Oh no!
Kyle
Oh god!
Ari
No~!
Hallie
Why would you say that?
Ari
Why? Why…?
Tom
Why would I say something so brave yet so correct?
Hallie
[Laughs.]
[00:55:00]