22. The State v. Irene Hawthorne (Part 4) Transcript

Transcript by Raina Harper
Kyle
Greetings, attorneys. Before we get started with today’s episode, I wanted to let you know that I have linked the court record in the description of this episode. The court record is the list of all of the clues our players had by the end of last episode. So, if they reference something that you don’t recognize or you want to try to solve the mystery at home, that’s gonna be a great resource for you to reference.

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle
Alright. Outside of the recording, we as a group decided that, after you struck literally the first witness’s testimony off the record, Elliot decided to call a recess. Normally in an Ace Attorney game that gives you an opportunity to refresh, to talk with other characters, and sometimes characters will do stuff to prep for the next part of the trial. Considering that our pretrial conversation before edits was an hour, we’re not doing that, because we actually have to have the trial.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle
However, I’ll give you the opportunity, if there’s anything that you would like to prepare, I’ll let you do that. Up to like three small things, or you could do a small thing and a big thing.

Hallie
Would you let me slash Elliot’s tires?

Tom
[Laughs.]

Hallie
I’m not going to. I just wanted to know if I could.

Kyle
That would count as a small thing, yes.

Hallie
If there was evidence hidden in the tire, I would do it, but I don't think that’s the case. Then again, I won’t know until I try.

Kyle
[Laughs.] If you spent two, I’d let there be evidence in there. That would be your big ask.

Hallie
[Laughing.] I don’t have any AP!

Kyle
No, like two of the three actions.

Hallie
Oh… No. I’m not, no.

Tom
I don't know how much of this needs to be done on a setup ahead of time, but I think we need to get Eddie or at least one of the other Quiclones on the stand, both to confirm the testimony we’ve already heard and to try and get more details about this benefactor, because I think this will maybe set us up with information we can use when we pull in Lucas.

Hallie
I wanna call Eddie and Ronda.

Emily
I would like to call Titi Romanov to the stand. “Are you really pregnant?”

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Titi Romanov!

Kyle
He’d respond to that. He would not respond to Rasputin.

Tom
Are we going to trick Rasputin into perjuring himself in a court of law?

Ari
What a useless witness that is.

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Hallie
Okay. I really want to get on this whole conversational thread about the champion contract and Sammy Ester not wanting them to buy the lagoon and the Necromon oasis thing.

Kyle
So basically why ScubaCorp goes into towns?

Hallie
Yeah, which would be a Lucas thing. Well, I don't know. I don't know, it’s possible that Irene may know this off the top of her head.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Irene… Necromon. You know about those.

Emily (as Irene)
Yes, a lot.

Hallie (as Sparky)
As I understand, they’re attached to the card, but you don’t need the card unless they’re attached to a person such as you. Correct?

Emily (as Irene)
They don’t need a card if they are attached to a person’s soul.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay. Let’s say your Boidelrat suddenly becomes best friends with some other child at school. Is there some kind of indication about whether the Boidelrat is now tethered to that person’s soul?

Emily (as Irene)
I believe it can only be one at a time.

Hallie (as Sparky)
If it was one at a time, is there some kind of way to tell when it has been severed from one person to another?

Emily (as Irene)
You feel it in your soul.

Hallie (as Sparky)
What I’m getting at, team, is that Sammy and Oset were… close.

[Snickering.]

Kyle
I imagine Sparky’s doing massive air quotes when she says it.

Hallie
Oh she is, “close,” but she’s also still holding papers while doing it, so they’re like falling down while she’s doing the air quotes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So, if for instance Sammy, who we all believe is actually a Necromon owned by a person…

Emily (as Irene)
If he wasn’t in a card, he wouldn’t be owned. He could have been bonded, but he wouldn’t have been owned.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes. I don’t like to use the word owned. But, if Sammy Ester… eel Sammy Ester, was quote-unquote “property of Lucas Bang” as written on this card, but he had gotten closer to someone else in the meantime, being Oset Scuba, could that bond have changed?

Kyle
Hilda, you actually remember something prescient when that’s told.

Tom
Eh?

Kyle
You remember back on the day you first met Lucas Bang.
[00:05:00]
The reason they gave sleeves on your Necrocards was because you couldn’t have two people sign the same card. If a Necromon in a card was basically bonded to two people, one of three things would happen. It would prioritize one person, it would bond with both people, or… poof. They called it a complication of ownership.
Thinking about how bonds work, you wonder if it might be the same idea. Sure, in this hypothetical scenario the card doesn’t have two signatures on it, but if Sammy is bonded to Oset as Sparky implies and has a signature, it could be a similar situation.
[Music ends.]
Irene, you could recognize that too. I was just like, oh, here’s a fact that Hilda was told. I can also be like:
[Loud and dramatic.] Check Episode 3—no, Episode 4, ‘Bang! Bang!, Part 1’ for this lore.
Or, it might have been Part… No, it was Part 1. I remember, yeah.

Emily
I will give you the chance to interrupt. Otherwise, Irene will just keep monologuing.

Tom
Hilda probably won’t interrupt because she’s still math meming trying to figure out how to use this in a relevant way in the courtroom, like, reveal that Sammy is alive and is four eels.

Emily
Then Irene continues monologuing.

Kyle
Okay, so Irene just monologues all of that?

Emily
Yeah.

Hallie
Sparky’s writing this all down, and I’m adding it to the court record. Is that okay? Can I add complication of ownership?

Kyle
Yeah. Anyways, I’m gonna count this whole conversation as one of your three things.

Hallie
Yeah, that’s fine. Listen, with complication of ownership, there’s actually no motive, it’s just a thing that happened.

Emily
Yeah.

Hallie
I think we also need to, like… I do not know who benefits from Sammy being dead, or appearing to be dead. Maybe Lucas is trying to get out of his contract or something? I don't know how that would affect it.

Tom
Alright. Alright. Let’s get down to the brass tax. As much as I have been anti–Lucas Bang, I don’t actually think Lucas is doing this of his free will. I think he is being blackmailed into this and almost certainly by Maybelline. I’m guessing there is an aspect of the contract that gives Maybelline the actual control or something like that, or Maybelline will void the contract if he does what she says. It’s something in that range. I think Maybelline is blackmailing Lucas into this, or someone is.

Kyle
You can always spend a point to get more information about the contract or see if you have Lucas’s.

Hallie
Yeah, I was gonna say.

Tom
I think we need to look into that contract because that will be the critical part of the motive.

Emily
Mm-hmm.

Kyle
Okay. We’ll say Hilda maybe texts Alina and is like “hey, does one of those contracts happen to be Lucas’s” or something like that?

Tom
Sure.

Hallie
I had one more thing.
[Rustles her papers. Sci-fi investigation music begins.]
I know that you don’t like time points, and I’m not looking for a specific one exactly, but what I want to know is… The terrorist machine went off and all the Necromon got sucked back into their cards, yeah?

Kyle
Yeah.

Hallie
Where was Sammy when that happened? Did that not happen to Sammy?

Emily
Sammy was in the room with us.

Tom
The room.

Kyle
The main room. I described his head injured but in the same way Irene’s Necromon were.

Hallie
Okay, because he’s attached to a person.

Kyle
And I will say, if you put that with your memory, you may be able to deduce who he was connected to.

Emily
Like, that he wasn’t connected to Oset Scuba?

Tom
I’m not sure he has been connected to Oset Scuba. We’re assuming just because they’re close that he is, but…

Kyle
If you want, I can give you another hint, if you wanna take that as the final point, unless somebody else has a theory they want to do.

Tom
We need the contract, damn it.

Kyle
Oh, you get the contract. This would be the third and final thing you can do before the trial begins.

Hallie
I’ll take it, if everybody else is okay with it.

Emily
Yeah.

Tom
You know, I’ll take it. I’ll take it.

Kyle
The way the device worked is that when a Necromon is really injured, like really, really injured, whatever it’s connected to will actually take the hit. For the cards, that means when the Necromon were forced back into the cards you saw some ripping on the cards. Hilda, you could look at Booker’s spine and see that there’s this wear and tear down the spine of the book that wasn’t there before the events of Die Card. Irene similarly almost passed out, so whatever he was connected to, or whoever, would have had to show signs of pain.

Emily
So… Oset Scuba.

Tom
Was Oset in pain?

Hallie
I don’t think he was in pain.

Emily
Yeah, he was, but he did the edgy yell and drop to one knee.

Hallie
Oh! You’re right.

Kyle
Tom did joke that episode that he thought the Quiclones were all bonded to Oset because Oset screamed in pain.

Tom
[Chuckling.] Oh, god damn it. I can’t believe I made a joke about it and then completely forgot this highly-relevant clue. Fuck. Shit…

Kyle
So, to summarize what you got over your research. You learn more about Necromon. You learn that if a Necromon is bonded to two things it will cause a complication of ownership. A Necromon might align with one thing… Sparky knows that all too well, it might bond to both, or it might just poof the Necromon back to the Afterworlds and destroy the card.
[00:10:00]
You have deduced, or at least you theorize, that because Sammy is a Necromon and Oset screamed when the device went off that potentially Oset was bonded to Sammy. That being said, you still don’t know what the Quiclones… how they were unaffected, so maybe he did actually get unwittingly bonded to the Quiclones.
[Music ends.]
Finally, as you’re about to go in…

Kyle (as Alina)
Oh! Oh-oh, wait. Wait!

Kyle
Quique, you see a woman in hastily put on clown makeup look around and be like:

Kyle (as Alina)
Dr. Canaca, am I so happy to see you.

Ari (as Quique)
Oh, hello, uh… Hilda’s mom. Alina was it?

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Alina)
Yes.

Ari (as Quique)
Sorry. I sometimes have a thing with names of people.

Kyle (as Alina)
Trust me, with my time on the PTO, everybody is some kid’s mother. To be honest, that’s half the time how I tolerate them. In any case, Hilda wanted me to give this to her. Would you mind taking this off my hands?

Ari (as Quique)
Uh, sure?

Kyle
She is going to hand you a contract. I had her hand it to you because I feel like Quique’s the only person who could get through legalese quick enough to understand it.

Hallie
I was gonna say, I was gonna give the contract flippy job to Quique.

Ari
Based on that, I want to use Adapt to get a skill in understanding contractese, to read even the small print of contracts, based on all of his experiences doing things such as buying houses and, you know, doing all of these other things that require going to a notary.

Kyle
Okay, okay, okay. In that case, you know what I’ll do? Because I was just gonna tell you what the contract says. I will give you a free clue that hints towards the who, the why, and the how. The how less so, mostly the who and the why.
You look through this contract. Putting it in laymen’s terms, because I do not speak legalese and I am not gonna make Ari just start speaking legalese and be like “ah yes, the contract…”

Ari
No, I also do not speak legalese.

[Ghostly mystery music begins.]

Kyle
This contract, which is Lucas Bang’s contract with ScubaCorp specifically, looks almost identical to the other champion contract that Alina texted to Hilda two episodes ago. The contract does say that essentially for a year after you finish you have to go on tour and do whatever they want. They will then dump you off wherever, you will not get support, and anytime afterwards ScubaCorp can take you up for three months, six months, a year, and it will essentially just say that you have to work for them.
That’s pretty much all the contract says. You can see that there are parts where Maybelline has noted when it’s happened, so it seems like Lucas has gotten two years, three years, two years, five years, and then like a three month stint in between going on tour. But, one thing you notice as you’re reading this as you’re walking back to the group… and I’m assuming, Sparky, you just have everything spilled on the ground, digging through evidence.

Hallie
Oh yeah.

Kyle
As you look down, you see that it’s signed “Lucas Bang” and it’s signed “Maybelline Mictoria.” Right? You see this envelope that Sparky has. It’s glittering, it’s pink, and it says “to PICLE.” At first you’re like, oh wow, this looks just like Maybelline’s handwriting, it’s got the swooshes, it’s got the little heart, but on closer investigation you see that, while it is signed in the same cursive way that Maybelline signed, it looks a lot more like the way Lucas signed the contract.

[Music ends.]

Tom
So, that was the writing on the hai-clue?

Kyle
On the envelope for the hai-clue.

Hallie
On the envelope.

Kyle
I’m gonna say the hai-clue was like in typewriter, because that’s fun.

Hallie
Yeah. He definitely lied to me about that. He was like, “(nervous sounds), I got this,” but why?

Tom
Let me reverse my theory of the last few minutes. This makes it seem like Lucas is the main culprit and he’s actually trying to frame Maybelline as being involved, which I guess would explain the Mictoria thing because it makes no sense for that to suddenly come up again all these years later. But, Lucas Bang is one of the few people who would have known about that and thus could make a connection once he realized that Maybelline was related to the old lady from the case.
It might be that, if Maybelline takes the fall for this or sufficient chaos is caused at ScubaCorp, then Lucas will finally be free of his contract?

Hallie
I wrote down “why is Lucas staging the involvement of an old PICLE case” like 30 minutes ago.

Tom
Exquisite.

Kyle
[Laughs.] “I knew all along.”

Hallie
I’m being that asshole.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Uptempo courtroom music begins.]

Kyle
Okay. Bang, bang, bang!

[A “gavel” slams on the desk.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Alright! After that infernal wait, we can re-begin Oset Scuba v. Irene Hawthorne.

[Giggling.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Uh, The State versus—

[Oset bangs on the desk three times again.]
[00:15:00]

Kyle
Oset just glares at Elliot who just raises his hands.

Kyle (as Elliot)
The prosecution is ready, your honor.

Kyle
Oset turns to you.

Kyle (as Oset)
And the defense?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yep.

Kyle (as Oset)
Alright! Well, without any further delay…

Kyle
He just kinda motions.

Kyle (as Oset)
[Irritated.] Get them up here. Get whoever is coming up here.

[Music ends.]

Hallie
Is it our turn to call a witness? Can we do that?

Kyle
You can, although Elliot will start being like:

Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, so I would like to call to the stand—

[Objection SFX]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Lucas Bang!

Kyle
Hush. Murmur, murmur.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Lucas Bang, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)
You heard me.

Kyle (as Elliot)
You are really—You’re gonna flirt during the court case?

Hallie (as Sparky)
You have been.

Kyle (as Elliot)
[Less smug.] I don’t know what you’re talking about.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Flirting? This is a murder trial! Why are we flirting and sullying the good name of the ScubaCorp champions? You better have evidence for this.

Tom (as Hilda)
We have copious evidence.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Copious amounts!

Kyle (as Elliot)
Alright, little girl, in that case… where is the evidence? Between the four of you, you clearly should have something.

Tom
Oh, we have to present evidence before he comes up?

Kyle
Yeah. One of you needs to present a piece of evidence to justify why you are trying to call Lucas Bang.

[Objection SFX]

Tom (as Hilda)
We present the body of the “victim.”

Hallie
Ha!

Kyle
Oset slams his gavel down like 50 times. I’m gonna say it’s still slowly banging as Lucas just sits there.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh, well um… ugh.

[Upbeat investigation music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)
There is a reason, your honor, for my curious choice of air quotes there. The first piece of evidence here, behold the fingerprints on this piece of canvas here. Among them you’ll see Lucas Bang which shouldn’t make sense based on our known timeline of events because…!
[Objection SFX]
Second piece of evidence! The video recording. As you can see here, we have three sections of video in that office. We can see Lucas and Alina Miszkiewicz cleaning up deadly nightshade, and then Sammy Winch and Oset…

Kyle
Sammy Ester.

Tom (as Hilda)
…arguing here. They both leave the room, and then bam, crime scene. Now, we can go back and provide some further supplementary evidence for this if there are any questions about the timeline here, but—

[Objection SFX. Music ends.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Just one second now! I apologize for cutting you off, young one, but brevity is important in this business. I suppose your “rival…”

Kyle
And he does the air quotes back but with one hand.

Kyle (as Elliot)
…failed to teach you that.
[Tense ambient music begins.]
You point out evidence of this video recording, this supposed video recording, and then fingerprints, but looking at the record here…

Kyle
And he just starts flipping through the notes.

Kyle (as Elliot)
…I say, I see your mother’s fingerprints on there as well.

[Objection SFX]

Emily (as Irene)
Objection! By objection, I mean this is a perfectly reasonable decision because we can’t just call both of them at the same time.

[Realization ding SFX. Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Calling them both at the same time? Yes!
[Oset bangs on his desk.]
Oset Scuba prides himself on speed and expediency!

Hallie
Oh no.

Emily
No!

Hallie
Oh god, no!

Emily
Nooo!

Hallie
Nooo!

Kyle (as Oset)
Summon Alina Miszkiewicz and Lucas Bang!

Hallie
Ugh…

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Alright. Do you want to ask them their name and profession or should I take the lead?

Tom (as Hilda)
[Disinterested.] You do it.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Hmm?

Kyle (as Elliot)
Which would you prefer?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, do whatever you want. It’s not gonna matter in the end.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Would you state your name and profession, please?

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Shaky, stammering.] I’m Lucas Bang. ScubaCorp Inter… Champion. Scuba… press guy? I just kinda do whatever. I do whatever Mr. Scuba tells me to do.

Kyle (as Alina)
And I am Alina Maria Miszkiewicz.
[Clownish ragtime music begins.]
So, my day job, what I primarily do is I’m a planner for events. I help plan events. And you know, that’s a million different jobs in one. There’s friend, confidante, planner, project manager, therapist sometimes if I have to be honest, and a communicator. Then I have a couple of hobbies. I have a small Sketsy store that I do little stitching and stuff like that. Oh yeah, and then of course I am a mother to just the smartest, cutest, most impressive young lady in the world. She’s right over there, everybody.

Tom (as Hilda)
[Clears her throat, trying to prompt Alina to stop.]

Kyle (as Alina)
In the world, mind you. You know, being a mother, even though you have one other partner, that is a job in and of itself—

Tom (as Hilda)
Objection!

[Laughter. Oset bangs on the desk.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Sustained!

[Music fades.]

Kyle (as Alina)
Oh. Oh, yeah… ahem.

Tom
I want to believe that the head-in-hands that Emily just did was Irene’s actual reaction as well.

[laughter.]

Emily
Irene is so tired.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Alright there, witness, would you both state what happened on the night of the incident? The timeframe of let’s say 11 to 11:20.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh…

Kyle (as Alina)
Yeah!

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Stammers.]

Kyle (as Alina)
Oh, you go first, Lucas.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I’m not really feeling much like—

[00:20:00]

Kyle (as Alina)
You go. You can go first.

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Very nervous.] I mean…

Kyle (as Alina)
Alright, fine, I’ll go first. Alright? You get ready.
[Sci-fi swoosh and door slam SFX plays. Investigation music begins.]
Okay, so! The night started around I would say 6 PM is when we all start putting up our makeup for the event. Although, maybe it really started like a couple weeks before when we got the invitation. And then—

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection! From the time of 11 to 11:20 PM.

Kyle (as Alina)
Oh, right. Well, at that point, we were all in Oset Scuba’s office and Hilda was going off to be a hero. That’s her, that’s Hilda right over there. That’s Hilda with my best friend, Sparky Malarky, and my good friend, Dr. Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, and then Irene who has been just such a good influence on my little Hilda too.

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Alina! The time, Alina. Please… Alina please, the time.

Hallie
Sparky’s enjoying this.

Kyle (as Alina)
Right! So we were all at the thing. It was all of us together. I think Sammy was there. Sammy was there, wasn’t he, Lucas?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… yeah. Yeah, he was in the room.

Kyle (as Alina)
So, I um… What did I do? Oh yeah. The first thing I did is I walked up and I shook his hand just to thank him for being so helpful.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Yeah. So we did that.

Kyle (as Alina)
Yeah. We shook his hand just as a way of saying thank you, and then—

[Objection SFX. Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)
Hold it! I just wanted to clarify something there, Mr. Bang.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Oh, well uh, I’m not sure how I… well um.

Tom (as Hilda)
You gave a very noncommittal answer after Mrs. Miszkiewicz said that she shook the victim’s hand. Did you also shake the victim’s hand at that time? Are you making an affirmative claim of that?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… affirmative what?

Tom (as Hilda)
Did you or did you not shake the victim’s hand at this time?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, um… I believe I…

[Realization ding SFX.]

Kyle (as Alina)
—was busy starting the work cleaning up the papers!
[Investigation music begins.]
That was right. I was talking to Mr. Ester, and Lucas, being the generous soul he was, saw all of these spilled papers on the ground and started picking them up. So, I helped him clean up a little bit, and that’s, um… all I did.

Hallie
Ha!

Kyle (as Alina)
And then, uh… Oh! You came in!

Kyle
And Oset just growls.

Kyle (as Alina)
And kicked us all out. That’s pretty much our night, yeah.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Yeah… that was it.

Tom (as Hilda)
Hmm. That does leave us with a very interesting contradiction, though, Mr. Bang, because based upon the testimony here which you are not disputing at this time… Is that right?

Kyle (as Lucas)
No…?

Tom (as Hilda)
…it leaves a question of how your fingerprints ended up on the victim’s “body” per se.

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
[Bored.] Objection. Sparky, this is what you get when you have a toddler lead your defense.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I bet you know that well.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Do you want to explain the contradiction or shall I?

Hallie (as Sparky)
[Dramatic.] Please, by all means, Elliot. You do love talking.

[Tense investigation music begins.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Fingerprints have stayed on surfaces for as long as 40 years. I’m sure in that amount of time Mr. Bang will have had plenty of interactions with Mr. Ester at such point fingerprints could be kept.

[Objection SFX]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Hold it just one moment there, Elliot. When I converse with people, I don’t normally touch them all over leaving my fingerprints on that person. Mr. Bang, was that normally your practice with Sammy?

Kyle
[Amused.] Oset is glaring.

Kyle (as Oset)
Yes, did you touch him all over?!

[Laughter.]

Kyle
Actually, he’s gonna knock—

[Oset bangs on his desk.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Nonsense! No one would touch him all over. I object to that.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I should certainly hope not, your honor.

Emily (as Irene)
Also, fingerprints aren’t going to stay on if you wash yourself and go about normal wear and tear during the day.

Kyle (as Oset)
Exactly! Sammy had a very thorough hygiene routine. He kept himself in tip-top shape.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… I must have just brushed into him sometime during the chaos of the night, you know.

Tom (as Hilda)
Hmm.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh, you saw him again before the murder? If I remember correctly, I was with you and I didn’t see you touch him once.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Well, you weren’t with me the whole night.

Hallie (as Sparky)
No, and that does leave some blank spots.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I, I was… other times, um… I think Maybelline got me for something and, uh… You know what? Actually, I just remembered.
[Realization Ding SFX.]
Maybelline. I saw her go into the office after everyone left.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh really?

Tom (as Hilda)
Hmm.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Hmm…
[Objection SFX. Music ends.]
Gotcha! She is not in the video.

Tom (as Hilda)
Well, there are gaps in the video, so we probably shouldn’t—

Kyle (as Elliot)
Could you please explain what video evidence you have?

Hallie (as Sparky)
… No.

[Realization Ding SFX]

Kyle (as Oset)
Ah yes, the ZEPPELIN AI video! I understand what you’re talking about. I’ve actually hooked it up to the system. ZEPPELIN, rise!

[00:25:00]
[ZEPPELIN boots up.]

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)
Hello, Oset.

Kyle (as Oset)
Play the video!

Kyle
And the video will play. I’m just doing this as a way of out-of-character being like alright, now the video is just up on some monitor so you can reference it at any time.

Hallie
Yeah, so we can reference it.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Grizzly for sure, but we’re talking about a 20 minute timeframe and yet only three minutes of video are there.

Tom (as Hilda)
Yes, it’s extremely suspicious. I would say that one would need access to the system there in ScubaCorp in order to delete that evidence which is most likely what happened.
[Fast upbeat mystery music begins.]
Curiously enough, that leads me to another question, Mr. Bang. Do you have an access card for ScubaCorp headquarters?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh, yeah. Yeah, oh yeah, access card, all of us get that. I, um… I think I got Ultra status?

Kyle (as Oset)
Basic status, Lucas. Do not speak above your station.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh, yeah.

Tom (as Hilda)
But it would have been very easy to upgrade it to Legendary status, isn’t that right?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… I don't think so.

Kyle (as Oset)
Yes, the only way to upgrade something to Legendary status is through my own room, and only I know the way into that.

Tom (as Hilda)
But, all of us were in that room with you on the night in question, your honor. Myself, Sparky Malarky, Mr. Bang, and you, we were in that room. Unfortunately, your security is not as good as you think it is because we were able to just upgrade a random card to Legendary ourselves. We still have it here. We can probably enter it as evidence if we need to.

[Music ends.]

Kyle
Elliot raises his eyebrow.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Intriguing. Maybe I should have given the toddler the lawyer badge instead of you, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I thought much the same thing about you.

Tom
[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
So, even with your status as champion big press guy, you don’t get a Legendary pass to the ZEPPELIN or whatever? I thought for sure it would be in your contract.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… my contract?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Your contract, yes. Actually.

Hallie
She slams it down.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Could you elaborate on the nature of your contractual obligations to ScubaCorp?

Kyle (as Lucas)
…

Hallie (as Sparky)
It’s a simple question, Lucas.

[Objection SFX]

Emily (as Booker)
Rekoob!

Emily
Booker slams his little leg down the longer the silence gets. Then, if it goes on any longer, he slams his little leg down again and leans forward.

Emily (as Booker)
[Demanding.] Rekoob.

Kyle
I imagine everyone’s behind the podium except for Booker who has gone up to the witness stand.

Hallie
He’s just badgering the witness.

Kyle
Lucas only flinches a little bit, but he remains relatively unphased.

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Flat and more composed.] Where did you get that?

Tom (as Hilda)
It was in the office that night, wasn’t it? The papers you cleaned up.

[Threatening mystery music begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
No.

Tom (as Hilda)
That’s how it was accepted as evidence.

Kyle (as Lucas)
No, no, it could not have been in that office.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Why is that?

Kyle (as Lucas)
I, uh… The important thing is I didn’t enter the office after I left.

Hallie (as Sparky)
That’s not the question we asked, Lucas.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I didn’t enter the office after I left.

Hallie (as Sparky)
That doesn’t answer the obligations of your contract. Dr. Canaca, would you like to go over the contract, please?

Ari
Uh…
[Laughter.]
I repeat whatever Kyle told me about the contract.

Hallie
It would be really funny if you were like “um, so…” and then Sparky just took it and was like:

Hallie (as Sparky)
So the contract details that you can be called up by ScubaCorp at any time. Was this press junket one of those times where you were called up by ScubaCorp?

Kyle (as Lucas)
I did not enter that room afterwards.

Hallie (as Sparky)
And another thing about the contract. We can see that your signature is right here. We’ve had a handwriting expert compare this signature with this envelope that you claim you received. Do you remember it?

Kyle (as Lucas)
Sparky, I told you, Maybelline was the only person who entered that room. She is—

[Realization Ding SFX. Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Why did you pretend that Maybelline wrote this envelope? This is your handwriting. It’s your handwriting but made to look like Maybelline’s. So, why are you trying to frame Maybelline for this? There was glitter on the crime scene as well, but I don’t see why, unless of course it was to frame Maybelline.

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection!

Kyle
Lucas, Sparky can see, has gone from indignation to rage to… he’s red again in the face, but you can see his lip is starting to quiver and you can see his eyes are starting to well up with tears.

Hallie
I know. I can’t… I can’t.

Kyle (as Elliot)
The witness has clearly stated that he has no direct experience with whatever happened in that room at that time.

[Objection SFX]

Emily (as Irene)
Objection!

Hallie (as Sparky)
Objection! The witness has not answered any of my questions!

Kyle (as Elliot)
[Sighs.] And pray tell, Sparky, what relevance do any of your questions have?

Tom
We’re establishing a motive.

Emily
Which is really high-level considering they didn’t seem to find it important to establish a motive for me.

Kyle
Ace Attorney rules, the burden of proof falls on the, uh…

Hallie
Defense?

Tom
The defense, at all times, in all ways.

[00:30:00]

Hallie
Every single time.

Kyle
Elliot doesn’t have to prove shit. He has to just prove that you suck.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Emily
Well, my school book reports say otherwise, Elliot.

Kyle
“Ah, Miss Anderson was always such a hack. She even gave Lucas an A.”

[Laughter.]

Emily
Aww!

Hallie
Aww. Fuck you, Elliot! God.

Tom
Look what they’ve done to my boy. Stop, he’s already dead.

Hallie
[Laughs.] I would like to present Maybelline’s testimony about the nature of the contract.

Tom
Maybe we can just ask Oset Scuba directly for some clarification on that.

Hallie
Oh my god. We probably could.

Emily
Do we need to put him on the stand?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Mr. Scuba. Judge Scuba.

Kyle (as Oset)
“Your honor.”

Hallie (as Sparky)
If you would kindly take the stand, I’d like to ask you questions about this contract, because the witness will not answer me.

Kyle (as Oset)
So now you wish to put ScubaCorp on trial? Is that your next gambit, defense?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes.

Tom (as Hilda)
Well, yes and no, in this case, your honor. We are mostly just trying to establish some very specific information here that will clarify what happened, and we need an expert to do so.

Kyle
Oset raises his gavel hand and he’s going to go to slam it down, but he pauses for a second.

Kyle (as Oset)
You guarantee this will bring the killer to justice?

Hallie
I flash him a thumbs up.

[Electronic remix of Vivaldi’s Storm begins.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Then Oset Scuba shall take the stand!

Kyle
With a switch, his coat billows out. We can just see the other two witnesses aren’t there anymore. It’s just him in the stand, just fucking warped there.

Kyle (as Oset)
My name is Oset Scuba. I am the 19-year-old trillionaire CEO of ScubaCorp Unlimited, the greatest organization in The Here and The Hereafter.

[Music ends.]

Emily
[Giggles.] Objection. Irene doesn’t say that, but…

Hallie
[Giggling.] Shh! Sparky is putting her hands over Irene.

Kyle
She just whispers it to Quique.

Emily
Yeah!

Tom
Hilda has just a face of cold dead look of “I am so done with this shit.”

[Sci-fi swoosh and door slam SFX. Investigation music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Ahem, Mr. CEO Scuba.

Kyle (as Oset)
Yes?

Hallie (as Sparky)
As part of your illustrious company, I am sure that the contracts are regulated with the utmost care and detail.

Kyle (as Oset)
Absolutely.

Hallie (as Sparky)
And so, the contracts regarding the tournaments and where they are hosted… if you could confirm the testimony of a high-level office person who works for you… when you stage a tournament in a local town, you also take the opportunity to canvas nearby oases.

Kyle
He was going back and forth, but because you phrased it in a way that doesn’t make ScubaCorp look bad, he will allow it.

Hallie
Yes!

Kyle (as Oset)
Yes, absolutely. Necromon is our entire field. We do research all about it. Part of an academic research to “canvas,” as you said, Necromon. Get an idea of what is where.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Of course. In an effort to undertake this research, you usually find a local person to help you. is that correct?

Kyle (as Oset)
Why yes of course. ScubaCorp Unlimited…!

Kyle
And you can see for the first time he kinda forces a little smile as he gets in the marketing pose and he starts actually motioning to the camera.

Kyle (as Oset)
ScubaCorp Unlimited cares deeply about the populations that so graciously host the tournament, and yes, we use a “local expert” is what we call it.

Hallie (as Sparky)
How did you meet the local expert for this year?

Kyle (as Oset)
Um…

[Music ends.]

Kyle
He pauses for a second.

Kyle (as Oset)
Around.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Around. Did you meet Mr. Sammy Ester before or after you contacted Lucas Bang to be the champion press man for this tournament?

Kyle (as Oset)
Oset Scuba does not directly manage such things. I believe a disgruntled ex-employee handled the contract.

Hallie (as Sparky)
But can you confirm that this contract states that ScubaCorp can call a former champion, such as Lucas Bang, to work for them at any time?

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection. The honor is no legal expert. You can’t expect him to speak to the means of a contract that he directly had no hand in.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I can if it’s his company. Are you implying that Oset Scuba doesn’t know something?

Tom
[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Oset)
How dare you! I might have you know that I am, as of today, a legally appointed master of the law.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
He is a judge, Elliot. You should perhaps watch your words next time.

Kyle (as Oset)
Watch your words indeed. Yes, I can confirm that contract is in fact… the thing you said.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Mm-hmm. If someone were to want to get out of that contract, how would they go about doing that?

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Does someone want out of their contract with ScubaCorp?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Purely hypothetical.

Kyle (as Oset)
Because I, Oset Scuba, will personally find them and make them realize what a mistake they have made.

[00:35:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)
So we know what happens now if someone tries to leave the contract.

Kyle (as Oset)
Oh, you cannot imagine what would happen, because…

Hallie
[Giggles.]

Kyle
And he looks back at the camera.

[Music changes to game show music.]

Kyle (as Oset)
…ahem, because it’s such a good deal. You know? A hard bargain.

Kyle
The words eek out, like it’s painful for him to say hard bargain. Someone definitely taught him to say this.

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Hold it! Sparky Malarky, are you genuinely insinuating that Lucas Bang murdered Sammy Ester to get out of his contract?

[Music ends.]

Hallie
Hang on, let me reread a thing.

Tom
Want me to try responding?

Hallie
Yeah, you can jump in.

Tom
Okay.

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)
Well, that’s a method we’re trying to find solid evidence for, but there are a number of factors that don’t seem to add up, unless… unless perhaps the fact that Miss Maybelline Mictoria and her signature on Lucas’s contract is significant to its binding nature. Mr. Scuba.

Kyle (as Oset)
Yes?

Tom (as Hilda)
Since you are so knowledgeable about this…

Kyle (as Oset)
I am knowledgeable about all things.

Tom (as Hilda)
…if the employee of your company who actually signed this paperwork were fired or convicted or in other words just disgraced and removed from the company, would that change the contract in any way?

Kyle (as Oset)
ScubaCorp Unlimited hires only the best of the best. Such a hypothetical would never come to pass.

Tom (as Hilda)
Be that as it may, you did mention in your testimony just a few moments ago that it was a disgruntled ex-employee who signed this contract.

Kyle (as Oset)
Ugh.

Tom (as Hilda)
Those were your exact words, sir.

Kyle (as Oset)
Ugh!

Kyle
Oset glares again, but this glare is less from a person in power and more from someone who realizes just what a powerless position he’s been put in. He doesn’t like being a witness. It’s not as enriching and empowering as he thought. So, Oset takes a couple of moments to think before finally spitting out:

Kyle (as Oset)
As I said, only the best work for ScubaCorp. Such insinuations that someone imperfect at any point worked at the company… if you looked at our records, you would find that no such person exists. I end my testimony. Let us take another recess.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle
While everyone leaves the courtroom for their second recess, let’s do a quick announcement break. I want to start today’s announcement break by shouting out our sensitivity readers.
For anyone not familiar, sensitivity readers as we use them are specialized people who take a look at plot points and characters that exist outside of my lived experience. For example, Chazz is both Black and trans, things that I am not, so we got a sensitivity reader for him, or we got a couple of sensitivity readers for Irene’s disability, because while that is Emily’s lived experience we still wanted to get the perspective from somebody else.
Sensitivity readers are an invaluable tool, and while some of the ones we worked with chose to stay anonymous, I wanted to give a quick shout-out to Ace, Kris Cooper, rpgplant, and Winnie among many others for providing valuable sensitivity reading work for this first arc.
If you’re interested in them or their services, you can check the description below, but I do want to remind anyone that, if there’s anything that you feel like we maybe didn’t handle well this arc, that that’s entirely on us as a show. Sensitivity readers are an extremely valuable resource and they help point us in the right direction, but ultimately the choices we make fall on our shoulders.
Some other fun stuff I wanted to quickly mention. March is coming up tomorrow, which means in the spirit of March madness and bracket fun we are doing another round of the NPC Showdown!
For anyone unfamiliar with that, the NPC Showdown is something we do each year where we take the main NPCs of an arc and we just stick them in a bracket, and we have you vote on who your favorites are. If you check the description, you’ll find a link to that bracket if you want to fill it out before we play, and then check our Twitter and vote.
[00:40:00]
At the beginning, we usually post two a day, a couple of hours apart, and then eventually near the end that will go to like one a day, and the final round usually has about two days.
In addition, many folks who responded to our End of Arc Survey said they would be interested in a Quest Friends wiki, so I’m currently hard at work on that, but the thing is I don’t super remember a lot of things from Season 1, and I’m filling out an entry for each and every episode.
So, to help with that, I’m actually gonna be doing Season 1 listen-alongs about once a week over on our Twitch page. I don’t have a specific day, I don’t have a specific time, it will probably be like Wednesdays, but if you’re interested in revisiting Flashback Future with me, I’m going to be streaming those episodes about every week, hanging out in the chat, and then also working on getting that wiki up to date.
Alright. That is the main stuff I have for you today. Since we’ve reached the end of this first arc which I’m treating like the end of a season of a TV show, we’re gonna be taking a two-month break so to speak before beginning the next arc of Hereafter. So, in two weeks we’re gonna be releasing the Q&A episode that we’re streaming today, and then after that Hallie is going to be running a two-episode series starring a wonderfully eclectic group of characters called Cryptid Cryptids.
For anyone familiar with The Cookie Crew from Flashback Future, our first season, it’s the exact same team. So Hallie, Ari, Emily, Cassidy and Olivia will be sowing chaos somewhere else in the world of Quest Friends! Hereafter as a group of wonderfully strange cryptids. Then, after that, we’re gonna have a brief recap episode just to refresh everyone on the events of this arc and we will be on to Arc 2.
Alright, that is actually everything. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this first arc of Quest Friends! Hereafter. The Q&A episode will be releasing in two weeks on Monday, March 13. I’ll see you then.

[Fast upbeat mystery music carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie
So team, squad. I want to present, like, Sammy was a Necromon and also he’s not dead, here’s his card. Does anybody have a cooler way of doing that, though? Because I really would like to summon him to the stand by tricking somebody.

Tom
Yeah. We really do need to summon him to the stand somehow, but I’m not sure if we need to use Oset or Lucas in order to do it.

Kyle
The one thing I do want to make clear is you are missing, in its entirety, the how.

Tom
Yeah. We have been trying to build to this and we haven’t yet established the critical facts. For one thing, Oset won’t admit to the smoking gun that secures our motive of there is something for Lucas to gain here: he can escape the contract. And yeah, the how is confusing, because if he was bonded to Oset, how would he have even been captured in this card?

Hallie
I think he was captured in the card first. I think Lucas caught him at some point, and then as Sammy and Oset got closer I think that the bond shifted to Oset. But, I’m also getting stuck on how Sammy specifically being dead benefits Lucas in any way.

Tom
That’s part of why the motive thing is so critical, because it seems as though Lucas has put effort into framing Maybelline: the glitter at the crime scene, creating the PICLE note for you. It seems as though he has put in an effort to frame Maybelline, and Maybelline also knew that Sammy was a Necromon…

Hallie
Yeah…

Tom
Ugh, is that relevant? How did…? Ugh! We’re missing an important piece of this mystery and I don't know the best way to find that out right now.

Kyle
Yeah. I think it might be helpful for me to just recap the events of the night, specifically the murder window, as you currently know them.
[Upbeat mystery music begins.]
Sammy let you all in. Alina shakes his hand. You go to fight Maybelline, and Eddie and Ronda. At that point, Alina shakes Sammy’s hand and is like “oh, good job.” Lucas starts cleaning up papers. Alina also goes to clean up papers, and while she is cleaning she steals some random contracts, she doesn’t pay attention to what they are.
Oset kicks everybody out. After they leave, Alina notes that Sammy leaves the room. Sammy comes back out into the lobby and he goes someplace else. She doesn’t know where he goes. Then, nobody else ever enters that room until the Undertakers enter, so nobody enters the room where Sammy is supposedly killed.

Tom
As far as we know.

Hallie
So we don’t really know where Lucas went after cleaning up the papers.

Kyle
You don't know where he went, and you don't know where Sammy went.

[00:45:00]

Tom
Yeah. I kinda wish we had figured out what specifically the back passage in that room connected to, because there was definitely one used. There was a portrait and a statue slightly moved in the final thing.

Hallie
Yeah, they moved.

Kyle
The back passages, they connect everywhere.

Tom
Well, that was clearly used to get in and out after everyone had left, and presumably how to quickly get down there and delete the footage before Undertakers could arrive.

Kyle
Other relevant facts, if you want me to share them.

Hallie
Yes.

Tom
Sure.

[Music ends.]

Kyle
You still don’t know who the Quiclones’ benefactor is. You only know the pronouns. Second, we know the benefactor asked the Quiclones to do “something.” Fede didn’t know what.

Tom
I swear to fucking god, if the big reveal is that Alina was behind all of this all along, I will come to your home in Arizona and destroy you.

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Remind me what the pronouns were?

Kyle
She.

Hallie
She?

Kyle
She/her is how they referred to the benefactor.

Tom
The benefactor is a woman, which is part of why I had been convinced before that Maybelline was the puppet master, that she was somehow the benefactor, but I guess that makes less sense given that they ended up fighting in the room.

Hallie
I’m almost tempted to just start being like, Lucas, what did you tell the Quiclones to do, just to see if he breaks. Just start throwing things at the wall, like Nancy Grace style.

Emily
I worry about throwing things at the wall because then we’re gonna get punished.

Tom
Then we’ll take penalties.

Ari
Mm-hmm.

Hallie
I know. I know this. But…

Emily
I feel like we need to talk to Ronda, maybe. Maybe Ronda and Eddie, but I’m worried that… I feel like Ronda is easier to get to do stuff.

Hallie
But they wouldn’t tell us who their benefactor was. I think that would be a hard sell.

Emily
Yeah.

Tom
I don’t suppose we can offer Ronda and Eddie a plea deal.

Hallie
Ha! We are lawyers, we can do that. Okay, so…

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Tom
The Quiclones did something very relevant to this, and it’s almost certainly connected to the how, because that remains our one big mystery.

Hallie
Was it the Quiques who did the machine that made them all go in their cards and then hurt the person…?

Kyle
That was Eddie and Ronda, yes.

Hallie
That was Eddie and Ronda?

Kyle
You don't know how they got over it. You don't know why they weren’t affected. So, presumably, that means that the Quiclones were connected to something or someone that had a means of hiding their injury.

Hallie
Yeah.

Kyle
Either not getting injured or being able to brush off the injury as being due to something else.

Hallie
So who had an injury that night? Sammy had a headache, but like, can Necromon be tethered to other Necromon?

Emily
What I will say is that the only medical thing I can think of is that someone was pregnant.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Tom
No. No… Oh my god!

Ari
[Chuckles.] God, no.

Hallie
Oh motherfucker.

Tom
No, this can’t be!

Hallie
I’m furious.

Tom
I can’t believe you would turnabout us like this.

Hallie
[Laughing.] After all the jokes that we’ve made. We call Titi Romanov to the stand, please.

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Could you please provide your name and profession?

[Silly ghosty music plays.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
I… Rasput—I am Titi Romanov. I am a Necromon Champion, to be. [Mirthful chuckle.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, Miss Romanov, and could you tell me about the events of the evening?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Where to begin?

Kyle (as Elliot)
At 11:00 PM.

Emily
I have a question.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes?

Emily
This is out of character.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes?

[Laughter.]

Emily
Has Titi had her baby or is she still pregnant?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Titi is still pregnant. Oh, the pains of pregnancy. Oh, so painful. It makes it hard to talk.
[Realization Ding SFX. Music ends.]
It doesn’t make it hard to sing, though.

Hallie
Oh Christ.

Ari
Oh no.

Hallie
Oh god!

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection! Objection! I will…
[Objection SFX]
Objection! No, you will speak it, you will not sing it.

Kyle
And Titi Romanov looks over to you.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Eh? Eh?

Hallie
I really wanna piss off Elliot is the thing.

Hallie (as Sparky)
There’s no law that says singing testimony is illegal.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
That is spirit! Boidelrat…!

Kyle
You can see a Boidelrat has been hooking up the device.

Hallie
Ha!

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Begin the song!

[Sci-fi swoosh and door slam SFX. Tango music begins.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Oh come listen to my woes
Told through the Testimony Tango
I'll tell all the things you need to know


[00:50:00]

I started the night pregnant
And I continued to be pregnant
Then men crashed the party and trapped all necromon into cards
It was just like Die Hard


Even though I had the pregnancy pain
I knew I had to be brave
And knock those bad men away (so I did)


And then we entered Oset's office
And though we were cautious
He came and kicked us all out


Now I know this is Guillaume Apollinaire's tango, but it worked so well, and of the seven of us, I am not the most musically inclined. [Laughs] ...you'll get it later.


But then Titi saw something
That was oh so perplexing
Sammy went into back room


Where could he have gone from there?
It's mystery!
All I know is that Titi continues to be pregnant

[Music ends.]

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
When you say continued to be pregnant, do you mean that you had pains at about the same time that the Necromon all suddenly disappeared?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes. It was so painful. So painful.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Okay, uh-huh, right.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yeah. Titi is better now, though.

Hallie (as Sparky)
You’re better now.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So, those pregnancy pains, they only happened during that moment?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Emily
Irene will turn over to Quique and whisper.

Emily (as Irene)
Can skeletons be pregnant?

Ari
Uh…

Kyle
I’m letting you decide this, Ari! You figure out this lore. I’m sitting back.

[Laughter.]

Ari
That just sounds too cursed for me, so I think Quique is going to say no.

Ari (as Quique)
We only can have indigestion, and sometimes it has been confused for pregnancy, but no.

Kyle
[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)
So the…

Emily
She puts her hand out in front of her and does the rounded “indicating a stomach.”

Emily (as Irene)
…it’s fake, correct?

Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, you kinda need to have skin for that.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib. Tarledoib.

Kyle
You hear some muffled movement and Tarledoibs from underneath where the bump is.

Emily
Boidelrats.

Kyle
It looks like he has just Boidelrat under there.

Hallie
I’m gonna point to Quique.

Hallie (as Sparky)
This man is a doctor, and he says you’re not pregnant.

Ari (as Quique)
I mean, I am not that kind of doctor, Sparky, but also I happen to be a skeleton, and we both know, mis…ter, that we do not get pregnant. You need organs for that!

Hallie
[Laughs.] Show us your organs!

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Hold it! That is belligerent.

Tom
Very nearly X-card-able.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] I know not what you speak of.

Hallie (as Sparky)
[Clears her throat.] Mr. Grigori Rasputin.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes?

Emily
[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
So you agree your name is Mr. Grigori Rasputin?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Repeated startled noises, resembling impact sounds.]

Hallie
[Laughs.] Doing the Ace Attorney breakdown on the stand!

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Ack! Ugh!

Tom
Breakdown as just his head falls and bounces a few steps away.

Kyle
Yeah, his head falls, goes back up.

Hallie
The Boidelrats climb out of the pregnancy bump.

Kyle
They fly out!

Hallie
They have little bibs and pacifiers, and they just look like babies!

Kyle
Oh geez! Alright, yes.

Hallie
I want fan art of this! Please!

Kyle (as Elliot)
Let me ask again, then. What is your name and job?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
I am, uh… yeah, Rasputin. I am Rasputin. [Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
And your job?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes, I am Rasputin.

[Laughter.]

Kyle
Elliot throws his hands up. He just starts chugging more water.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Mr. Rasputin.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Why did you enter the ScubaCorp tournament?

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Kyle
Take a GM Intrusion.

Hallie
[Indignant.] No~

Kyle
Actually, no, I’m gonna wait for the GM Intrusion.

Hallie
No~!

Kyle
He’s gonna do a smile.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Well, is it not obvious?
[Realization Ding SRX]
I wanted to be here.

Hallie (as Sparky)
In court?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
You wanted to be here in court, so you entered the ScubaCorp tournament, and then… I’m just guessing here, hired Team Clone?
[00:55:00]
Is that their name? Do you have any connection to Team Clone? Ronda and Eddie are their names.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
What is your interest? He is connected to Team Clone. Why not ask him?

Kyle
And he points to Quique.

Ari (as Quique)
Uh…

Hallie (as Sparky)
Because he’s not connected to his clones anymore.

Ari (as Quique)
Never was, really.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I mean connected in the sense that anything happening to harm them as Necromon may harm you as well, such as something that you could pass off as pregnancy pains.

[Music rises in intensity.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Oh, so that is what you are asking.

Hallie (as Sparky)
That is what I’m asking, yes.

[Objection SFX. Music ends.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection! Sparky, what does this poor attempt for a terrorist attack have to do with anything?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, isn’t it convenient that the terrorist attack happened at the same exact time as this murder?

Kyle (as Elliot)
It sounds awfully inconvenient to me, Sparky.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Inconvenient? You’re sure?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Convenient, yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Yes, yes, convenient. How was it convenient for you, Mr. Rasputin?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Where did you find the body?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, funny you ask. The body remnants were in—

Kyle (as Rasputin)
No, no, no. The real body.

[Realization Ding SFX. Tense ambient music begins.]

Emily
Where did we find the card?

Tom
We found it near the front door, I think. It was in the front hall.

Hallie (as Sparky)
The front entrance.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
So there was body.

Hallie (as Sparky)
So there… Come again?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
What is it you want to know?

Hallie (as Sparky)
Did you hire Team Clone?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
One would not call the dark magics “employment.”

Hallie (as Sparky)
Did you dark magic Team Clone?!

Kyle
He leans into the mic and the smile goes wider.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Why?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
They weren’t the ones who killed him, you know.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I believe that.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Good.

Hallie (as Sparky)
However, I do believe that you know who did.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Perhaps.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Is that person in this room?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
And what will defense do if I say yes? [Chuckles.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, as long as it’s not Irene Hawthorne, I’d say the defense would say “case closed.”

[Music ends.]

Kyle
Rasputin raises… he does like a peace sign.

[Realization Ding SFX]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Two questions. I will give you the answer to two questions, no more.

Emily
[Groans.]

Tom
Team huddle?

Hallie
Team huddle.

Kyle
Elliot’s just like:

[Objection SFX]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Objection! You can’t do a huddle in the middle of a trial.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Just because you don’t have any friends, Elliot, doesn’t mean other people can’t do a huddle.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, but we should at least call a delay for this.

[Oset bangs on the desk.]

Kyle (as Oset)
No more delays! No. You can huddle with your cooler, prosecution.

[Laughter.]

Kyle
Elliot just turns his head and does that.

Hallie
What a mook.

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Tom
I think one of our questions has to be very specific, flat-out, what did you ask the Quiclones to do during the timeframe between 11:00 and 11:20.

Hallie
Mm-hmm.

Tom
They did something in that time, that’s probably why their not-prints are all over the body as well, and that will probably be critical to our understanding of the how. It might be the last piece we need to really understand the mystery.

Emily
Yeah.

Tom
But, the second question I’m not sure of, and maybe we need to hear the answer to that first one before we decide.

Hallie
Are we allowed to ask one first and then…?

Emily
Re-huddle?

Kyle
Yeah.

Hallie
Yeah, let’s do that.

Emily
So, say again exactly what you’re gonna ask.

Tom
What did you ask the Quiclones to do between 11:00 and 11:20?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Good first question. Answer is, as with many mysteries, quite simple.
[Investigation music begins.]
I ask Quiclones to move body, or not the “body” body.

Kyle
Oset gavels.

Kyle (as Oset)
Stop saying body!

Kyle (as Rasputin)
The costume was in—

Kyle (as Oset)
Costume? What costume?!

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Please, I am speaking. … Thank you.
[Chuckles.] The costume. Well, it was I believe in the hyper secret room, the one with the ZEPPELIN. Well, quite simply, I gave them card, Legendary access. Did you know that they give champions Legendary access cards? Or, in this case, it seems.
Well, they found body in secret surveillance room. Real nasty thing. Back was caught on a loose nail. Well, I grabbed nail, grabbed body, grabbed some deadly nightshade. I got it from the camp. Oh, I think I met you there!

Kyle
And he points to you, Irene.

Emily
Her face does not change.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Anyway. They moved the body, make a good scene of it, and that was pretty much… that was what happened.

[Music ends. Objection SFX.]

Kyle (as Elliot)
Hold it! Now, there is no evidence—

[Realization Ding SFX.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
There is plenty of evidence, I must say. I regret to inform you, sir prosecutor. You have served your role well. I am very grateful for what you have done. It was, uh… I believe you can find marks on the body, and oh yes, deadly nightshade only works at night. Leaves awful rash.
[01:00:00]
Team Clone, if you check them, a couple of them should have still awful rashes.

Hallie
I want to let Rasputin continue solving the case for us.
[Laughs.] Elliot, you did a good job, but actually here’s all the evidence from the court record that I also have access to.

Kyle
That’s all I’m giving you. I think that was the most convoluted part, that the body was moved from one place to the other.

Hallie
Okay. So to clarify, the body was in the secret ZEPPELIN room?

Kyle
Yeah. Not the card, but the body seemed to be ripped open and was in the room, had the glitter on it, and they simply moved it to the new room and put the deadly nightshade on it.

Hallie
So like, when Lucas didn’t answer my question about the Legendary access card, he definitely had one, so he could have been in that room killing Sammy… But like, why did Rasputin move the body? I don't know if I want that to be my second question. But like, my thought was just “why?”

Tom
Honestly, I kinda lean that way too.

Emily
Yeah.

Ari
Mm-hmm.

Tom
Why Rasputin would do this is probably significant.

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] Wonderful question. Wonderful avatars, all of you. I am so glad they chose you. Well, it was… ah, it was quite simple. I already said my reason. I wanted us to be here. All of us.

Kyle
And he points around to the room.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Every single one.

Hallie (as Sparky)
[Breathless.] But why?

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] That was why. All of us here, in the courtroom today.

Tom
I think we need to end his testimony right now.

Hallie
I’m gonna look at Lucas. How’s Lucas looking?

Kyle
Lucas is pale. You would believe Lucas is a phantom.

Hallie
Awesome.

Kyle
He is so pale. He is so sweaty. He’s just, you can hear… (cracking sounds). The wood is just creaking under his giant muscly hands.

Hallie
Okay… Kyle, I’m not smart enough to figure this out, but I do have an Understand roll, and I have a really good Fierce today. It’s in fact the only stat that is positive, and it’s at a +3.

Kyle
What do you want to roll to Understand? What question do you have?

Hallie
I don’t understand what he’s insinuating! What Rasputin is insinuating. And I also want to understand Lucas’s reaction, maybe. From a mechanical standpoint I know Lucas better, so I could apply it to Lucas. I’m trying to catch his eye, really, to be like what the fuck is going on, you have to tell me.

Kyle
Okay, so you wanna roll to Understand that?

Hallie
I want to roll to Understand. I also kinda want to just be like, hey Rasputin, do you like rutabagas?

Ari
Heh.

Kyle
Do you want to ask him?

Hallie
Yeah, why not.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Chuckles.] No more questions at this time. You have all you need.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Do you like rutabagas?

[Music changes to threatening piano music.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)
I said no more questions. That was the deal. Correct?

Kyle
He looks over at Irene.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
You did say you would do favor.

Kyle
The rest of you can notice as this dark shadow starts to appear around Irene. Irene, you notice you’re having a little bit of difficulty breathing.

Hallie
Oh no!

Ari
Oh…

Emily (as Irene)
Uh…

Tom
Booker, it’s time for a Page Turner Twister.

Kyle
[Smiling.] You’re just gonna attack this man in court?

Tom
No. I’m trying to swoosh away the shadow.

Emily (as Irene)
[Struggling.] That was the deal, okay, but… Good. Good. You may step down from the stand.

Kyle
He looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Agree?

Emily
My character can survive X amount of minutes longer of [unintelligible].

Hallie
I know, I know, I know. I know! Okay?

Tom (as Hilda)
No further questions.

Hallie (as Sparky)
Agree.

Kyle
The shadow instantly goes away.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Thank you.

Emily (as Booker)
[Quiet and grumbly.] Rekoob…

Kyle (as Rasputin)
Well, I must be off. I thank you for your efforts today. Very grateful. Rasputin will… well, who cares what Rasputin thinks. [Chuckles.]

Hallie (as Sparky)
I thought you wanted to be here so bad.

Kyle
And he walks out the door.

Hallie (as Sparky)
I thought you wanted to be here so bad!

[Music ends.]

Hallie
He’s not gonna answer, but I’m yelling that.

Kyle
And the door shuts.

Hallie
I’m gonna whip around to Lucas at this point.

Hallie (as Sparky)
[Firmly.] What did you do?

Kyle
[Smirking.] … Lucas is gone.

[Intense chase music begins.]

Hallie
You are fucking kidding me! Because I asked the question instead of Understand? I’m going after him. Fuck this. I’m so furious. I’m out. I’m out! Peacing out. After Rasputin? After Lucas? I’m out. Where did he go? Where the fuck did he go?! I will roll whatever you want me to roll. I am furious. Where the fuck is he?

Kyle
Sparky.

Hallie
Yes?

Kyle
As the game master…

Hallie
No.

[Music ends.]

Kyle
…what do you intend to do when you find Lucas?

Hallie
Oh man, I don't know. I’m just gonna yell at him. He’s a big strong man, but he’s such a weakling. I’m so mad at him. It hurts me to yell at him because he’ll do that quivering lip thing, but like…

Kyle
Do you think Lucas did it?

Hallie
He was involved! That’s the thing. Even if I don’t think he did it, I know he’s involved and he knows more than what he’s saying, and he needs to say it now.

[01:05:00]

Tom
We’ve been completely blindsided by Rasputin.

Hallie
Completely. Fuck you!

Emily
Well, I don’t think Rasputin did it.

Ari
Mm-hmm.

Kyle
In either case, he’s gone.

Tom
I guess all we can do is pin this on Lucas.

Kyle
You do understand, Sparky, what will happen to Lucas.

Hallie
Like what was happening with Irene? Like, he made a deal with Rasputin and now he’s gonna…

Kyle
No, what will happen to him if you call him back, if you successfully pin the murder on him.

Hallie
Oh…

Kyle
If you let him go, this shitty kid suffers, but Lucas will be fine.

[Music begins to sad orchestral music.]

Hallie
Yeah… Yeah, he would be.

Kyle
You’d be fine. Right?

Hallie
What’s Elliot doing?

Kyle
Elliot is sighing. He’s staring at his notes. He has been completely bamboozled by all of your weird directions, so he’s had no idea what to do.

Hallie
What’s Alina doing?

Kyle
Alina looks confused, but she’s actually running up to make sure that Hilda and Irene are okay. She’s worried about the kids.

Hallie
Okay.

Kyle
And Chazz, who had been narrating it in the arena, has been silent for a couple of minutes now which is very uncharacteristic. When Chazz is not doing well, he speaks more, and when he’s really not doing well, he doesn’t speak at all. What is everyone else doing, by the way?

Emily
I feel like at this point Irene’s trying not to throw up.

Hallie
[Laughs.] Oh no.

Emily
She’s had some weird dark magic going on. She’s maybe about to go to prison. She doesn’t feel well.

Tom
Hilda is walking up to Oset Scuba with Sammy’s Necrocard.

Ari
I guess he’s just followed Sparky to give her moral support regardless of whatever she ends up doing.

Kyle
So that is what everyone is doing, Sparky. What are you doing?

Hallie
Sparky… for a second she was frozen, because when she saw Lucas was gone her first instinct was pure rage. But then, she looked around at all her old PICLE pals, even Elliot, and… man, it’s just like, there’s nothing more “end of an era” than one of your friends being accused and guilty of murder. You know?
[Laughter.]
This really sucks. If she didn’t know everything was over before, it’s over now. She was so hoping, even after her talk with Quique, that it wouldn’t be Lucas and something would come up, but it is. That’s not… it’s not the Lucas Bang she remembers or wants to remember. Maybe she’s not who she remembers either, and who she wants to remember, but she knows who she wants to be.
So, she hesitates for a brief second, then she grabs her bag with her SmackBook Pro, and she lights it up out of there. If Quique isn’t already following, she’ll be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)
Canaca! You’re good at tracking, right?

Ari (as Quique)
Uh… yep, you could say that.

Hallie
I assume that Sparky’s car is there. I don’t even know if I need to get in the car to drive after Lucas. I don’t have an AP to spend on Designated Driver.

Kyle
But you don’t need one.

Hallie
What?

Kyle
When a character in Under the Neighborhood makes a substantial change, they either overcome a flaw or fall deeper into it, they get something called an Arc Move. Sparky, you spent this entire show so far just focused on what your perceived needs were and this focus on the past, and this idea that you know what’s best for all of PICLE and everyone else. Right?

Hallie
I do. Well, yeah… no.
[Laughs.] No. That’s the point.

Kyle
People with that mentality say “I know best” a lot. You get a move called You Know Best, which is for PCs who put the needs of others before their own. There’s a whole lot of details to this, but the core of it is, once per adventure, instead of spending 1 AP to add something useful or a known NPC to a scene that wouldn’t necessarily be there otherwise, you can spend 0 AP to make it appear assuming it directly benefits somebody else more than it benefits you.
[Music ends.]
Sparky, you run outside and you hear the revving of wheels, but they seem stuck. You turn over and you see Lucas Bang broke into Elliot’s car and tried driving away… but he failed to do so because somebody slashed his tires.

[Laughter and cheering.]

Hallie
Oh! It’s all coming up Hallie! OH! Elmo meme with the fire! Has there ever been a more perfect circle? No there has not!

Kyle
And then—

Hallie
It was me, I slashed the tires.

Kyle
[Laughs.] We’re gonna do a swish.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. A steady clock ticking begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
[Clears his throat, sniffs.]

Kyle
Lucas Bang is sweating, he’s pale and he’s red, and he doesn’t quite know what to do. He has been muscled back into the courtroom and is sitting at the witness stand, and everybody is silent.
[01:10:00]
The defense is silent, the prosecution is silent, Lucas Bang is silent. Oset, his silence speaks so much. His nostrils are flared, his brow is furrowed, and this man who normally yells just quietly says:

Kyle (as Oset)
… Confess.

[The clock ticking ends.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
Uh… what?

Kyle (as Oset)
Confess. Or, if you would like to do this the long way…

Kyle
[He flips over a card of a bunch of eels signed Lucas Bang.

Kyle (as Oset)
Explain this.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I, um… I just, um…

[The clock ticking returns.]

Kyle
And he looks at you, Sparky, trying to muster some support.

Hallie
Sparky is looking down. At some point all the cards that she still had signed by Lucas Bang had fallen out of her SmackBook Pro case. She’s gathering them all up and doing that paper bump thing, you know. Is there a trash can nearby?

Kyle
Yeah.

Hallie
I’m gonna throw them away. I don’t look at him.

Kyle (as Lucas)
Excuse me?

Kyle (as Oset)
Explain yourself—

Kyle (as Lucas)
NO, YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

[The clock ticking ends.]

Kyle
Lucas Bang’s voice booms throughout the place. His face grows fully red, and the bench around him just shatters. That’s his Ace Attorney animation.

Hallie
Hell yeah.

Kyle
He yells and the bench around him shatters.

Hallie
Hell yeah! I’m upset, but hell yeah.

[Tragic music begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)
No. You explain how you take anybody, any of these poor kids including myself who gets in and sign them into an unfair contract. You explain! You explain how I tried so many times… a teacher here, a veterinarian there. I tried to settle down every place, and every time ScubaCorp comes back for more and more and more. No, I… I wanted out.

Kyle
He looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I had reasons to get out. So I looked for a contract. Perfect opportunity. Pick them up from the pile. Not a single goddamn one was there! But now, oh no, evidence that Lucas Bang has been tampering, and ScubaCorp… who knows what they’ll do next, because they can do virtually anything.
So I go down. I remember the code, 3-0-0-0. I get in, make my card LEGENDARY, go delete that data, and then I hear this voice, this whispering, like from my shadow myself, telling me behind me, “you have to.”

Kyle
He looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Lucas)
You have to believe me when I say I didn’t mean to do it.

Hallie
Sparky is still looking down even when he said there were reasons that I wanted to leave. There’s a single tear coming down this cheek.

Emily & Ari
Aww.

Hallie
But her face is anime hidden by her hair, which is usually poofed back, but this time it’s Miyazaki deflated.

Kyle (as Lucas)
I didn’t know who was coming, but I knew someone was, so I lunged, attacked, just to take them out… but he ripped on something, and suddenly there was just a Necromon, just lying there. I did the only thing I could. I took my card and I hit it, and then um, you know, I just… This is all Maybelline’s fault. You understand that.

Kyle
He looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Lucas)
You know this is all Maybelline’s fault. If she hadn’t signed the contract, if she hadn’t been so manipulative…

Kyle
Sparky, his face grows red, the red it grew every time he mentioned Maybelline, and you realize now that he never liked Maybelline. He has fucking hated her for the past 23 years.

Kyle (as Lucas)
And I, um… saw an opportunity. All I needed was three lines of poetry and some glitter and I could finally get her out of the picture. Not for me, for the kids. For once, taking action for the kids. I swear I didn’t move the body. I swear I didn’t do—

[Oset bangs on the desk.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Silence! I have heard enough.

Kyle (as Lucas)
You believe me though, right?

Kyle
And he looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Lucas)
You believe I was trying to do the right thing?

[Music ends. The clock ticking returns.]

Hallie
Sparky has not looked up. She’s still looking down. There are probably a few more tears coming down. She still does not respond.

Emily (as Irene)
Hey, Lucas Bang!

Kyle
He doesn’t turn away from Sparky.

Emily (as Irene)
She doesn’t want to talk to you. No one wants to talk to you anymore.

Kyle (as Oset)
I believe the wardens at Tartarus would disagree. I find—

Tom
Hilda will interrupt and shout:

Tom (as Hilda)
Mercy!

[The clock ticking ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Mercy? What for?

Tom (as Hilda)
Because you’re on TV. Everyone can see this. Because you set it up in the arena. It would be bad for ScubaCorp’s image to punish someone who was trapped in a situation they didn’t want to be in.

Kyle
Roll me Convince Somebody with Heart, with disadvantage.

Tom
Fuck.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Tom
If it only wasn’t me. If anyone else was making the roll, I could Take One for the Team and make it succeed. Oh… but I can’t, I just gotta believe in the heart of the cards.

Ari
Now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t roll my Loaded Dice, so I could see what I get, and if it’s good, I can give Hilda that.

Hallie
[Laughs.] “Now that I think about it, I didn’t roll this incredibly useful thing that I have.”

[01:15:00]

Ari
[Rolls.] That is… a 12. Like, plus. It’s not a nat-12.

Kyle
You can still use it if you want him to succeed.

Ari
Okay, I’ll help Hilda and give her that.

Kyle
Oset… all he cares about is Sammy, so is there anything you could have rigged to remind him of that?

Emily
Even just gesturing toward the card, maybe.

Ari
He’ll gesture towards the card.

[The clock ticking returns.]

Kyle
Oset goes and his hand raises up a little bit to slam down, and he looks at the card, at Sammy, and he just grumbles to Lucas Bang.

[The clock ticking ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)
Your contract is severed. Get out of my sight.

Kyle
And he slams down the gavel hard.

Hallie
As soon as the gavel is smashed, Sparky just leaves, hair down.

Emily
Aww.

Ari
Oh no.

Hallie
She didn’t talk because she could not have. She’s out of there.

Ari
Quique will go after Sparky.

Hallie
Sparky doesn’t even notice, I don’t think. She’s trying to get out of there as fast as she can.

[Sad guitar love song plays.]

Kyle
And that’s when the confetti goes up.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Woo! Clapping! Happy music!

Hallie
Yay~!

Emily
Irene holds out her handcuffed hands to someone who she thinks might have the keys.

[laughter.]

Hallie
“Somebody, please~”

Kyle
Elliot sighs and then just throws the keys to Earl and walks off. Earl just starts fumbling.

Emily (as Irene)
Elliot!

Kyle
He pauses as he walks out.

Emily (as Irene)
Turn around!

Kyle
He turns his head like 10 degrees towards you.

Emily (as Irene)
Look me in the eyes, Elliot.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Why?

Emily (as Irene)
Because I want to see you look me in the eyes. I have a question for you, and I want to see you when you answer it.

Kyle (as Elliot)
[Sighs.]

Kyle
He turns and he looks at you. He gets down on his hands a little bit, like in a patronizing way.

Hallie
Oh no!

Kyle (as Elliot)
Yes, Irene?

Emily
She steps closer.

Emily (as Irene)
Are you sorry? Even a little bit?

Kyle (as Elliot)
You should be asking the culprit that.

Emily (as Irene)
Thank you, Elliot. I just wanted to check and see if you were my brother.

Kyle (as Elliot)
See you at the next family holiday.

Hallie
[Pained laugh.]

Kyle
And he walks off.

Emily
[Smiling.] She doesn’t acknowledge it.

Tom
Hilda was going to completely deflate, letting out all the tension, and just kinda shaking a little bit having actually made it through this and sort of pulled that off. Then she was gonna make sure that Irene was okay, and then get her, Irene and her family out of the courtroom as fast as possible.

Kyle
Before you’re able to do that, Hilda, you’re actually accosted by Judge Scuba, looking humble for the first time.

Tom
Oh boy.

Kyle (as Oset)
So…

Kyle
He looks down a bit confused at the card.

Kyle (as Oset)
Everything you stated is fact?

Tom (as Hilda)
As far as I know, yes.

Kyle
He looks at it ponderously.

Kyle (as Oset)
So I really was his card.

Tom (as Hilda)
That was the theory anyway.

Kyle (as Oset)
Research awaits, I suppose. I’ll find a way to scrub this name from this card and bring Sammy Ester back. Thank you, Hilda Miszkiewicz. You are quite the impressive person. I know you don’t want to be on ScubaCorp’s radar, but consider yourself on it nonetheless.

Tom (as Hilda)
[Confident.] I’ll take that as a challenge.

Emily (as Booker)
[Antagonistic.] Rekoob… [Grumbles.]

Kyle
He starts walking away.

Kyle (as Oset)
Oh, and before I forget, I was given these.

Kyle
He hands you a handful of tickets.

Kyle (as Oset)
Apparently these are coupons for the Worlds’ Fair which is coming up in a few months.

Kyle
Worlds’, mind you, with an apostrophe after the S, because it takes place in The Hereafter. It’s across the world. It’s the Worlds’ Fair, not the world singular, but the Worlds’ Fair.

Hallie
Ha!

Emily
Good job.

Kyle (as Oset)
The Bureau said this is your payment for winning the case or something like that.

Tom
Hilda’s going to give the tickets a look of disdain but take them nonetheless.

Kyle
Then, finally, we make our way outside back to Sparky and Quique. What happens?

Hallie
How I imagine it going is this. Sparky runs to the first isolated semi-private spot she can find, which is her van, and starts just losing it.

Emily
Aww.

Hallie
I imagine, if Quique made his presence known, I think she would just cry with him, is the thing. I think she would be so…

Ari
No, that’s the thing. He wouldn’t say anything, he would just be there as a way to kind of… solidarity kind of thing.

Hallie
Right. I imagine there are no words. That’s the thing, Sparky just senses that he’s there and then would turn over and just lean into him a little bit. If there’s any talk, it would be like nothing Quique would be able to make sense of. It would be like:
[Emotional and hysteric.] “And once we saw the runner in a legend, and there was like a dog, and he was so nice back then! Why is he doing this?!

Ari
Quique wouldn’t respond. He would just hug her more earnestly this time. He’ll just hug her.

[Music swells.]

Vocalist
My heart hearts
Wish I knew what I could say or do
If I had one more night with you

[Music ends.]
[01:20:00]

Kyle
And so, the day ends with some sweat and some tears… and one smile. Chazz is finishing announcing.

Kyle (as Chazz)
And Irene Hawthorne wins the case! Oh god…! Ahh! What a happy moment, folks! Ah-haaa!

Hallie
[Delighted.] Just screaming.

Kyle
And it cuts off, and there’s some fire… of the light of a cave. We hear some skitter-skitter of a Boidelrat.
[Threatening piano music begins.]
Rasputin takes this little phone he was using to watch the thing, and he sets it to the ground, and he starts laughing.

Kyle (as Rasputin)
[Mirthful chuckle.]

Kyle
As he laughs, we don’t see him but we see his shadow. He reaches towards his face, and as he does, we just see as he pulls off of his face a wooden mask, one that looks identical to his head which falls to the ground. After he does this, his voice changes as his shadow grows and takes a completely unknown form.

Kyle (as ???)
[Chuckles.] This is very… very interesting.
[Chuckles more wildly.]
[The laughing grows low and bellowing, along with the voice.] Wouldn’t you agree… listener?

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle
And that’s the end of the session.

Hallie
Fuck you! Doing a Ratigan voice. To me! At 11 PM.

Ari
Wait, is Rasputin…?

Kyle
Rasputin’s been gone since Episode 1, guys. You put him in jail.

Ari
Oh my god. Was this that person all along?

Hallie
That was a Ratigan voice.

Kyle
What can I say, everyone? Mateo told you. She’s here.

Kyle (as Alina)
Don’t tell Hilda how sloppy this was. She needs a good example of how to present yourself properly.

Hallie
I thought she meant our defense. I was like, Christ, Alina, fuck you.

[Laughter.]

Tom
Don’t tell Alina how badly I’ve been disappointed as a mother. Only getting the prosecution on hearsay? Really?

Kyle
[Typing.] Polish middle names.

Hallie
[Laughs.]

Kyle
Because the thing is, unfortunately, Alina is the kind of person who would say her full name.

Emily
Alice.

Kyle
Alina Alice?

Tom
Alina Maria.

Kyle
There we go.

Emily
Ooh, there’s a good one.

Hallie
That’s a good one.

Kyle (as Elliot)
Fingerprints are, uh…

Kyle
Give me one second.

Tom
Elliot says, as he turns to Google.

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Just google “fingerprints.”

Tom
Elliot bluffing as deeply as any Phoenix Wright is.

Kyle (as Lucas)
But he ripped on something, and suddenly there was… eels.

Kyle
[Laughs.] I can’t take that seriously. But that is what happened!

Kyle (as Lucas)
They’re eels! Just, just…

Hallie
[Laughs.]