Ep. 1: Turingtown, Part 1

In the first episode of Quest Friends:

JOURNEY to a land one billion years in the future!

WITNESS incredible feats of handshaking!

DIGEST revolutionary changes in pizza technology

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version):

Kyle (as Over-Dramatic Narrator)

One billion years in the future...

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle (as Over-Dramatic Narrator)

Mankind’s dominance over the Earth has long since been usurped by technological advancements and visitors from beyond the stars. And much like the reign of the dinosaurs, each new world has climbed out of its predecessor’s ashes before meeting a harsh finish. Now, in the ninth such world, humanity struggles for survival on a planet ravaged by powerful artifacts. Will the heroes learn to master the magic of the past? Or will they unleash horrors unbound by natural reality? Find out on a journey with your quest friends!

[Opening theme continues]

Kyle

Welcome! God, I’m terrible at—welcome, eh, welcome to Quest Friends! We’re all friends here and we’re all going to go on a quest together. That’s what we’re doing. We’re friends, we’re questing friends, quest friends. So this is going to be a DnD podcast—well, not DnD, it’s going to be a roleplaying podcast, although most people think roleplaying like Dungeons and Dragons. Um, so I’m going to explain what roleplaying is. Hi, I’m Kyle, I’m your DM, I’m your GM, I’m your Game Master. I’m the one in charge of things, and as you can tell, I got a very good handle on what’s going on. Uh, so, before we start, what is roleplaying? Well, I’m glad you asked, random listener. Uh, roleplaying, uh, is kind of a form of collaborative storytelling, where everyone’s going to take on the role of one character, so every one of our four players today, that’s not including me, is going to take on the role of a character. They control what that character is like; they control the actions that character makes, like, you know if John the character decides to open a door, his player is going to control that. I am the Game Master, and I am—I’m god, baby. I am everything else in this universe. I play every other character, I write the setting, I set up the challenges, and I, plus random chance by dice, decide whether or not the things that the characters try to do works. So there is some element of planning, so, like, I’ve got to set up the challenges, I’ve got to set up the setting. But a lot of what you’re going to listen to today is improvised. It’s improvised storytelling, as the players are given challenges and then they respond to them. And then I respond to them responding and it’s just kind of back and forth and eventually we’re just doing an improv scene. Um...and something very important to mention—we’re playing a system called Numenera, which I’ll explain in more detail later, but for those of you who might listen to this and want to try roleplaying and for those of you who know the system very well, it’s important to mention that with roleplaying, there are baseline rules, but I’m going to tweak some, remove some, and add my own. The same applies for the story universe. So if you comment, “hey, you didn’t listen to that rule,” I know I didn’t, and I chose not to, and the rulebook says that’s okay. God, I’m too aggressive for introductions. Alright, so, let’s get to the introduction of this game! So, Numenera! This is for the players, too, Numenera ta— well, actually, let’s all just introduce myself, ourselves first, not our players. So I’m Kyle. I’m your GM today. I will be god. But, as you can, as you’ll see soon, god has very little power in the roleplaying universe.

Ari

Alright! Well, I am playing an android character, it’s a genderless android, uh, named M.I.S.H.A. So Misha is actually, and this is a common thing that people should know is, uh, an android that has relatively few memories. It’s an android that, like, they have existed longer than they can remember things, like there was some sort of problem with software or whatever. So really, to Misha, they have been only, like, conscious only like a month. So they don’t really know much about, anything about humans, but they are really interested about it, about them, especially cause, like, they feel like they have, uh, a big connection with them, even though they don’t know why. Uh, and so they are just very obsessed in trying to be as human as possible, uh, while being an android. Uh, and so they are not a punching person, necessarily, they actually—

Kyle

They’re a nano, right?

Ari

What? A nano, yes. They are, okay, they are a Nano that, uh, an Intelligent, Artificially Intelligent Nano that Speaks to the Datasphere. So description-wise, uh, Misha is relatively taller than an average human. Um, they, um, have mismatched colored eyes, so from a distance, Misha does look like a human, they look like a perfectly proportioned human. But then, when, when approaching Misha, it’s kind of obvious that it’s, like, it’s almost too perfect, like the skin is too glossy and it’s not really a skin color that humans have, it’s like, like a mannequin kind of color of skin. Um, and, uh, what else? They carry, they have a scarf that’s long and a kazoo instrument...that...they spent all their money on, so.

[5:32]

Kyle

So, uh, if I get this right, they are a kazoo-toting science wizard who can access Google.

Ari

Yeah, and so they, the reason why they have the kazoo is also because they are so trusting on humans that they just got conned upon coming to this town, which is the first time that they have ever visited in their life, uh, well, to their experiences. Uh, and so, they just heard that, you know, that this was a magical instrument and whatever, and they just trusted these really nice-looking vendor people that just decided to take all their money. And so he has, they have, that instrument now.

Kyle

Alright, Hallie, who are you playing today?

Hallie

Uh, I will be playing Hopper Scotch, who is sometimes, because of the way he skips from town to town so quickly, known as Hop Scotch, but he hates that name, so he will correct anyone who uses it. Uh, Hopper Scotch is basically if Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation was cosplaying Jim Hopper from Stranger Things. Um, he is a vigilante and he’s not afraid to throw down and throw a few punches and he can be a badass, but mostly, he’s a vigilante of the accounting nature, and he tries to help towns with, like, their financial and bureaucratic problems. Um. He’s a real good guy. His actual build is an Honorable Jack who Metes out Justice, so he’s just trying to do his best day by day. Um, oh, he has a shield. He wears a shield, um, kind of like a backpack, like, it’s got a strap on it, and then he just whips it off when he...needs a shield. Um, and then also, he wears, like, a dusty leather jacket and a stetson, but the leather jacket has a front right pocket and in the front right pocket is a calculator-looking object. Uh, Hopper is also a history nerd, but like no one appreciates history in The Ninth World, so he’s like never found anyone who shares that particular passion of his and that makes him sad.

Kyle

And, um, what is, what, what is a Jack?

Hallie

Oh, I’m sorry. A Jack is like a rogue? It’s the rough equivalent of a rogue. They’re good at a lot of things. Um. You know, they don’t—they aren’t, like, amazing at any one thing? But, they have an even—you know, jack of all trades is basically what they are.

Kyle

Alright, how about you, Tom?

Tom

Uh, I am playing Xoc, who is a Bazian Nano who Talks to Machines. Um, Xoc was raised in a distant location called, uh, the Weal of Baz, um, which is a haven for various types of intelligent machines. Um, he was allegedly found as a baby out in the wastes, uh, and taken back there, uh, Jungle Book style. And so he has been raised among machines all his life with no other human contact, uh, and has only recently, uh, within the last year, decided to go out into the world, uh, salvaging and learning more about his human origins. Uh, he’s been traveling for some time to reach the Steadfast. Uh, notably, he’s, he’s very thin and has dirty blond hair that looks a little bit matted, like he hasn’t been able to wash it for a few days, and he wears a dirty blue robe tied with like a blue cord at his waist, uh, and pretty heavily stained down by, uh, the feet. Uh, and he carries a clear glass staff, uh, which at the top begins to, uh, split off into what looks like little branches from a dead bush, uh, but still made of glass. Uh, and in general, he’s just a science wizard who can telepathically communicate with machines and doesn’t get people.

Kyle

Awesome. Uh, and then Emily, you’re the last person.

Emily

Um, so, Elee is a very small old lady. Um, she’s a Glaive, so she—

Kyle

What is a Glaive?

Emily

She’s, like, a warrior-type character. She, she has a folding chair strapped across her back that she fights with. Um, it’s made of the same—it’s reinforced by the same material that she actually has in her bones. Her whatchamacallit, her focus is Fuses Flesh and Steel, and her big character identifier visibly is she’s got a ginormous hat with a bunch of junk on it, including three lit candles.

[10:23]

Kyle

Was that a good—I might cut out this part—was that a good enough introduction? Can we move on to the game itself?

Hallie

Yeah, I think that was fine.

Kyle

Okay, good. Alright, so, the game we are playing, as I said, we are not playing Dungeons and Dragons, we are playing Numenera. So Numenera is a game that takes place one billion years in the future. So since today there have been eight worlds. Some have been ruled by humans, some haven’t. So like, our world, and pardon me if I’m wrong here, Tom, our world right now is the First World. Eventually, some kind—

Tom

As far as we know, yes.

Kyle

What?

Tom

As far as we know, yes.

Kyle

Yeah, okay. So as far as we know, civilization right now, 2017, is the First World. Eventually, hopefully not soon, the apocalypse is gonna happen, and society is going to fall apart and the Second World is gonna come and happen, and this is going to repeat a bunch and bunch of times, it’s going to repeat eight times until we’re a place one billion years in the future and we’re in the Ninth World. And humans are still around! Luckily enough. Um, we weren’t always in charge, but we’re still around. Um, now we don’t know anyth—in, in, in The Ninth World, we don’t know anything about the previous worlds besides the weird shit they’ve left behind. So like that, that weird stuff you’d find on Craigslist? That is an artifact now. That’s some mythological artifact that people don’t know how to use. Um. The Ninth Word itself, is kind of, it’s like, it’s this medieval-style scavenger society where people are taking these old relics that are really heavy sci-fi and kind of using them like magic. Um. And most of human society exists kind of west of this mountain range, and then everywhere else exists…

[Pause]

Kyle

...everywhere else. So that’s the, that’s the basics of Numenera. So our story begins in the small herding village of Rhubarb located to the west of the Black Riage, the prominent mountain range that separates society from everything else. So it’s part of this wealthy northern country of—I think it’s pronounced Navarene? Is that right, Tom?

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

So, Navarene, which is of, uh, of the many countries on the west, uh, it’s the really wealthy one at the north. So, Navarene. Although, Rhubarb doesn’t actually seem that wealthy, uh, because while you might find an electric tether here or a telepathic sheepdog there, for the most part, the people get by by the grit of their teeth. And grit they have, making their pay by taming a multitude of wild creatures, including aneens, which are actually genuinely amiable creatures that are basically—they’re like bipedal, uh, dino camels? So like dinosaur camels on two legs. Um, you’ve got blood barms, which are tiny horror turkeys that are, like, turkey-sized but they don’t have a head and they’re covered with, like, red egg sacs everywhere.

Ari

Oh, fun.

Kyle

And then you’ve got broken hounds, which are like these horrific dog-like creatures that have bony bird heads. Uh, these broken hounds are interesting because they’re generally impossible to tame? And yet you find half a dozen of these hounds happily accompanying their human companions to the sheds each morning. Essentially, this is a small, idyllic town that’s kind of rough and tumble, uh, and is raising a lot of, a lot of livestock that normally isn’t raised and a lot of people think can’t or shouldn’t be raised. Uh, and we’re going to start, uh, we’re going to start actually with Ari’s character, we’re going to start with Misha. Because everyone is here because the town has been posting a call for anyone daring, desperate, or deluded enough to adventure for hire. Okay, so Ari, your character is going to enter the entrance to the mayor’s office, which coincidentally, is in a back room of the town bar. The bar is alive with what I call life and strife, so basically people are just fighting everywhere. Food and fists are flying and there’s just a massive bar fight, but everyone seems to be having a good time. Like, you’ve got friends smiling at each other and then just punching each other’s teeth out. Uh, and so Ari, you’re going to enter this bar, uh, as a band, there’s a band playing in the corner and you can see them, like, ducking as like food and like beer is being thrown over them. And you can see across the entrance, uh, so you registered, but you gotta, you gotta say you’re here, and uh, across the entrance at the bar, you see this pleasant woman just kinda casually washing dishes and not paying attention to anything.

Ari

Ok. Um, alright, so Misha is just going to enter to the bar, um, and is going to, uh, they, is going to stand and look around being a little bit puzzled, but at the same time, uh, just like, taking it all in, and then is going to approach the, is there any sort of like...bartender person?

[15:16]

Kyle

Yeah, that’s that really nice old lady that’s—

Ari

Is that the woman?

Kyle

Yeah, that really nice lady that’s washing dishes, that’s the bartender. Alright, she sees you come over and she says:

Kyle (as bartender)

Well, hello there, dear, how are you doing today?

Ari

Uh, I am going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, why, hello there, unidentified bartender! Uh, I am doing quite well. Uh, I am, uh, I am seeing that there is quite a, uh, event right now in this, in this place. Is this in a special location?

Kyle (as bartender)

You know those boys, they just go crazy for Thursday night brawl out.

Ari (as Misha)

Thursday night brawl out?

Kyle

Yeah, Thursday—

Ari

And, uh can I, um, so I want to, uh, use my, um, like, speak to the Datasphere thing to kind of try to figure out what that means.

Kyle

So one thing to mention is that everybody in this game has abilities that they can use. So, what is this speaks to the Data—can you explain how this ability works?

Ari

Um, as I understand it, um, as I understand it, it, um, I know it’s a, it’s a way that’s kind of like googling for something on, so, like my character has the ability that is, they are kind of connected to this, like Numenera entity called the Datasphere, and correct me if I’m wrong, Tom, or Kyle. Uh, and—

Kyle

Yeah the Datasphere is essentially imagine if the internet was the atmosphere. That’s the Datasphere.

Ari

Yes. Right. And so Misha kind of can communicate—not communicate with it, but can have access to it more easily, to, like, look for information. And so—

Kyle

You can do that once a day, right?

Ari

I think so.

Kyle

Ok.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Alright.

Ari

So I’m going to spend it on trying to figure out what Thursday night brawl is.

Kyle

Do you—do you have to roll for that or can you just do it?

Ari

Uh. Shit. Um.

Kyle

Oh, while Ari looks that up, I’m going to explain how rolling works. So, um, as you can see, Ari’s character Misha is trying to do something right now, uh, and characters can decide to do whatever they want, but that does not mean it’s going to work. Um, so what essentially happens is some things work automatically, some things you have to roll for, so that’s what Ari’s checking right now, to see whether or not she has to roll for it.

Ari

[Softly groans]

Kyle

Um, but if a character has to roll, essentially they take a dice with 20 sides, and they roll it, and higher numbers means, mean that they’re more likely to succeed, uh, but if they don’t reach a certain number, so let’s say they have to roll a fifteen to succeed, if they roll a twelve, they just fail, and if they roll a one, they fail in a spectacular way. But a nice compromise to that is that if they roll a twenty, they automatically succeed, and they succeed in a spectacular way. So that’s a critical fail and a critical success.

Tom

The rules won’t say, um, the rules won’t say whether or not you have to roll. Uh, it’s, it’s basically up to you whether or not you want to require a roll for it.

Kyle

Oh, okay. Uh, well, in that case, this is a pretty simple question. So you’re gonna, you’re gonna ask the Datasphere?

Ari

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, what, what are, I know the Datasphere doesn’t actually look like the internet, but to keep this google comparison going, what are you typing into the Datasphere? What are your keywords?

Ari

[Laughter] I want to say, um, “normal human traditions on Thursday night brawls.”

Emily

[Laughter]

Kyle

Alright, so, um, you look deep, deep into the Datasphere, and you find that brawls are things that usually enemies do. Like, it’s usually a type of fight. You also find some sort of, there was some sort of, like, um, like digital—you, you get the sense that way, way back in one of the previous worlds, there was also, like, like, some sort of, like, digital versions of this? But they had, like, plumbers, and, but, and, and a lot like this, they had like plumbers and miners and , like, like everyday workers? A couple of anthropomorphic animals as well. Um, so that’s, that’s what the Datasphere tells you about, about brawls. It’s usually something enemies have done, but there was some sort of electronic entertainment that was related to friends. Uh, the keyword Thursday doesn’t seem to ring a bell to it at all.

Ari

Huh. Interesting. Going to be like. Um, oh, I, Misha’s going to look confused at the bartender and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Huh. It’s interesting. I, h, uh, are, are people having, are, are people having an actual fight? On Thursdays? Do our common enemy comes on Thursdays to have a brawl in this place?

[20:06]

Kyle (as bartender)

Well, you must be new here, darlin’. No, we don’t have any enemies here besides the bureaucracy. No, we here just, we just like to have a good ol’ fun time and let out our aggression, ‘cause, you know, these boys and these women, they have a tough time of life. Well, what are you here for? You don’t seem to be here for the Thursday night brawl.

Ari (as Misha)

Uh. I certainly am not. I have not heard of this tradition, uh, at all. Uh, I heard that there is a certain, um, quest that has been requested for, uh, for the real humans in this town.

Tom

[Laughter]

Kyle (as bartender)

Yes, we do, we certainly have a quest, and, oh, look, it looks like we’re waiting for one more person. So now, dear, can you tell me what your name is?

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, certainly! My name is, uh, my identifier is Machine In Suit of Human Armor, or [crosstalk 21:03] Just A Rather Very Intelligent—

Kyle (as bartender)

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, I can’t—nobody’s going to be remembering that, dear. Do you have like a nickname, like a shortened version that normal folk can remember?

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, yes, yes, certainly! Uh, but I should first, uh, explain the whole meaning of my nickname [crosstalk 21:20] otherwise it’s not going to be—

Kyle (as bartender)

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, we don’t—we don’t got time for this. You mention a couple of words and they just go over my head, so like, could you just give me a shortened version or something like that?

Ari (as Misha)

Ah, uh, certainly, yeah, uh, you can shorten my long nomenclature as M.I.S.H.A. J.A.R.V.I.S. A.T. Y.O.U.R. S.E.R.V.I.C.E.

Kyle

She’s gonna look, uh, and she looks down and she, like, you can see her tapping on the first letter of every word of the name written there, and then she says:

Kyle (as bartender)

Nah, it even got that, it even has the A.T. Y.O.U.R. S.E.R.V.I.C.E. there at the end! Well, thank you so much, Misha. Uh. I’ll get you seen soon!

Kyle

And she goes over to the door to the mayor’s office and just turns around and she says:

Kyle (as bartender)

HEY! EVERYONE PIPE DOWN FOR A MOMENT!

Kyle

And everyone, the room just gets quiet. And she says:

Kyle (as bartender)

Alright, now what I’m gonna need is I’m gonna need, uh, everyone who signed up for the mayor’s quest?

Kyle

Uh, she opens the door.

Kyle (as bartender)

You can come right back through here and she’ll see you shortly. Everyone else can continue.

Kyle

And you see everyone run back into a bar fight. And so Misha, you see this door open and you’re going to walk in, but joining you, um—you see a couple people stand up and join you.You see a young man who’s been awkwardly sitting in a corner, like one of those corner tables, uh, just trying really, really hard not to get involved in this fight. So you see him, he’s like nineteen years, he joins you. You see an elderly woman who was knee-deep in the fighting. Uh, you see her just like kind of roll up her wrists and wipe off some of the blood, uh, that’s—we don’t know if it’s hers or somebody else’s, and she walks into the room, and then finally, you see a groggy man who has fallen asleep at a table, his face into a half-eaten calzune.

[Laughter]

Kyle

Calzunes being the Ninth World equivalent of a calzone. You see him look up, kind of sloppily wipe some of the cheese and tomato off of his face, and walk into the room. So that’s the rest of the party. And so now you’re going to enter, the party as a whole, you’re entering a well-kept office. Uh, it’s a pretty simple office. You see this kind of, like, what looks like a stool that’s covered in, uh, that’s covered in a blanket, and then you see just a normal desk. Uh, in front of the desk, you see mayor Sue Strongarm. So mayor Sue Strongarm is this large, burly woman wearing, like, farming mining overalls and then like a working shirt underneath it. Some of her clothing is ripped, which you can tell is clearly from the fighting, but it seems less like someone ripped it while they were fighting and more just that her poor clothes couldn’t, uh, take the stress of her muscles going full force, because she is a ripped woman. Like, Strongarm is not a misnomer. Uh. And so as you enter, you can see her writing a note to this bloodied man, uh, who’s just standing in front of her, and she’s just looking to him and she says:

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, I’m really sorry, David, I know I went a bit too strong on you. Uh, but if you go, uh, if you go just to the, uh, to the capitol city just a little bit west of here, uh, go to the queen’s manors and request to see a Mr. Mako. Uh, Mr. Mako, he’s a good friend of mine and the best medic I can see, and he’s currently working for Queen Armalu in Charmonde. Uh, just go there, show them this logo, and you’ll be perfectly fine.

Kyle

And you can see her write on like a napkin, uh, a logo that looks like there’s an M, and then there’s a second M that’s kind of stretched out beneath it, with, uh, its top points touching the bottom points and it kind of looks like there’s an M and the other one is, like, one of those long vaudevillian mustaches at the bottom of the other one.

Ari

[Laughter]

Kyle

Does that make sense?

[25:01]

Ari

Ok.

Kyle

What I’m describing?

Ari

Yes. I think.

Kyle

Um, okay. So it’s an M and the other one kind of looks like a mustache beneath it, like super long and stretched out.

Tom

[Laughter]

Ari

This is like Batman’s [crosstalk]

Tom

Looks like a tall hat!

Kyle

And that’s for—that’s for Mr. Mako. Uh, and so she shuffles the bloodied man off. [Sounds of typing.] Uh. [Laughs] It is not Wario and Waluigi, it is not their mustaches.

Hallie

Damn it.

Kyle

It is for Mr. Mako, thank you very much. Um. And so Sue, Sue comes you over and she’s like:

Kyle (as Sue)

Oh, you all, you all must be, uh, you must be our questers! Uh, you must be the ones who responded to our post. I’m really glad, we—we’re having a bit of difficulty here. Um. But I’m, I appreciate you taking the time.

Kyle

She kind of leans back against her desk, is like:

Kyle (as Sue)

But, but please don’t—I know I’m talking a little bit too much. Uh, would you mind just introducing yourselves first so we, we can get an idea of who you are? Um, I j—I just think it’s important to, you know, to kind of establish bonds of acquaintanceship before we go on a quest. You know, so at least we’re quest acquaintances, you know?

Ari

So Misha is going to jump right into it and is going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, certainly! Um. I want to—

Ari

Uh, but then is, Misha’s going to look at Hopper—oh, no, sorry, at the sleeping guy on the table and going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, um, I do believe that in order to have acquaintances, everybody needs to be, um, eh, awake in order to see these acquaintances, and I do believe that not everybody is in this position right now.

Hallie

Hopper has been, like, kind of rubbing his hand on the side of his jacket to like, double-check that he doesn’t have food on his hands, because when he heard, like, acquaintance he was immediately going to be prepared to shake people’s hands. But he doesn’t—he’s still kind of tired, so he doesn’t notice the slight right away. So he’s just going to turn from his hand and then look at Misha and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

What?

Ari

They’re like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh! Oh, excellent, sorry, I do—I, I believed that you were not awake at the moment. Was Thursday brawl too harsh on you?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, you know, I—I’m sorry; it’s—it’s been a long day. Um, look. Hopper Scotch.

Hallie

And then he extends his hand.

Ari

Uh, Misha is going to look—

Tom

Xoc is going to awkwardly reach in and also try to do, like, a three-way handshake.

Ari

[Laughter]

Hallie

And then in response to that [crosstalk 27:20] In response to that, he’s going to move his hand more into a handshake just with Xoc and be like:

Halle (as Hopper)

Hopper Scotch.

Hallie

And reintroduce himself.

Tom (as Xoc)

My name is Xoc, and I am a great wizard and also very, very dangerous and, and foolhardy as, as was requested in, in our, in our job request. Yes. I’m very qualified.

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, I mean, that was—

Kyle

Sue’s going to look at you.

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, dear, that was more just to, uh, to scare away anyone who, who might have their own selfish means. If you’ve got a good heart, I think—I think you’ll be great. So, uh, I guess—

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t have any means, and I have a great heart!

Hallie

Hopper is going to, like, withdraw his hand from Xoc now, and then give it back to Misha, because I’m not sure if we ever shook hands and Hop doesn’t want to accidentally be rude.

Kyle

She’s gonna—alright, Sue’s just gonna kind of stare at you all a little bit and then she’s gonna turn over to the person, to the elderly woman who hasn’t been talking, and say:

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, how about you, ma’am? I haven’t, uh—clearly, these folks are, are—

Emily (as Elee)

Strange?

Kyle (as Sue)

Well-acquainted with each other. Well, I think that’s a little—I think that’s a little impolite to say, ma’am. Uh, I think these folks, just, you know. They’re well-acquainted, but I want to make sure you’re acquainted, too, so would you mind just telling us a little bit about yourself?

Emily (as Elee)

[Clears throat, sighs] My name’s Elee. I may or may not have killed a man tonight.

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, it happens to the best of us.

Emily (as Elee)

I do like a woman with muscles. Anyway—

Kyle

Uh, she’s gonna—she’s gonna pull out a sheet of paper that looks like it’s some sort of, like, eulogy form and just start casually writing down on it as you continue.

Emily (as Elee)

Um. As far as my traveling companions...how are you? Are you doing well? You seem weird.

Hallie

Realizing that he never shook her hand, Hopper again goes with an outstretched hand, and says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

H-Hopper Scotch. And—and you are?

Emily (as Elee)

Elee. Elee Badge.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee.

Emily

She’s gonna take Hopper’s hand and squeeze very, very, hard, and [crosstalk]

Hallie

[Laughter] Hopper was not prep—sorry, go ahead.

Emily

Shake his body with her handshake.

Hallie

Hopper was not prepared for that.

Tom

Xoc tries, Xoc tries to do a three-way handshake yet again and just sort of shake the outside of Elee’s hand as it squeezes, uh, Hopper.

[29:58]

Kyle

Ok, that’s, that—

Ari

Misha is—

Tom

And he’ll say—uh, go ahead.

Ari

Misha is going to also try, like, upon realizing that handshaking is a thing, is going to try and like, grab everybody’s hands, but they only have two hands, so it’s going to be super awkward, like, trying to not let go of Hopper’s hand, trying to grab Xoc’s hand, and trying, to, like, at the same time, grab Elee’s.

Emily (as Elee)

Please, please stop. Please, please stop.

Kyle

Alright, Hallie—

Tom (as Xoc)

I ran out of food a day ago! But other than that, I’m fine!

Hallie

[Laughter]

Kyle

Hallie, can you roll a dice please for perception?

Hallie

I can.

Kyle

Perception is when you try to see something you can’t see.

[Dice roll.]

Hallie

A 17.

Kyle

Alright, uh, as you look, you’re gonna see Sue is kind of looking down at herself a little bit and she looks—she looks a little hurt. You never offered to shake her hand. She—she looks a little hurt about that.

Hallie

I was just getting to her last! Okay, so I’m gonna try to break out of Elee’s handshake. Do I need to roll for that? It’s a very strong grip.

Kyle

Uh, Elee, are you going to keep holding onto her?

Emily

No, she’s—Elee’s got other people to muscle into submission.

Kyle

Ok, yeah, then you get away fine.

Hallie

Yeah, so. Alright, Hopper’s gonna just try not to be rude but also trying to save his life. He’s going to just wiggle himself out of Elee’s grip, and then also everyone else’s, because everyone else is just around him now.

[Laughter]

Hallie

And he’s gonna kind of work his way across and he’s like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Madam Mayor. Hopper Scotch. Uh, look forward to working with you.

Kyle

She’s gonna shake her head.

Kyle (as Sue)

Well, it’s great—it’s, it’s great to meet you, mister—Mr. Scotch, um, but. I’m afraid we still have no—I, I apologize, I still have no idea who the fuck any of you people are. Um, so if we could just go—I know it’s going to be a little difficult—if we could go just one down the line, uh, and just kinda give a little more information about ourselves?

Ari

I’m just gonna be like:

Ari (as Misha)

But we’re not standing in a line, which—

Kyle (as Sue)

Oh, oh, you want to start? That would be great; I would really appreciate that.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, of course. Uh, I was just pointing out that we were not standing in a line, but, yes, I can certainly introduce myself.

Ari

And then Misha’s going to grab the hand of the mayor with both hands, cause they’re going to find it awkward that they didn’t do that before. And they’re going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Um, yes, well, as I introduced myself previously to other people in this bar, uh, my identifier name is Machine In Suit of Human Armor, Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. But as I have had the fortune of understanding, humans do not seem to do well with long names, as such, so I will respond as well to the shortened version of this nomenclature, which is Misha Jarvis.

Ari

Um. And then is going to like stand quietly.

Kyle (as Sue)

Right, well maybe we should just start getting to business. Have any of you heard of the town of Obsidian Bay?

Hallie

Have—have any of us? I don’t know.

Tom (as Xoc)

I have not!

Kyle (as Sue)

So Obsidian Bay, uh, is a town that opened rather recently. Like us, they share, uh, the independence from the queen. So they’ve, uh, had very few trading partners and we’ve been one of them. They’re a small mining facility right on the corner of the Black Riage, uh, and what they do is they essentially forage for artifacts, and they trade that with us for, for food and water using this.

Kyle

And with that, she—rather dramatically, I must add—grabs the kind of blanket/carpet thing over the, over the footstool and pulls it back, and you see this—not really ornate, this kind of crude bronze box, which some of you might recognize, and for those of you who don’t, she’ll explain it as a wayrail chest. What a wayrail chest basically is, it’s kind of like a dropbox? But it’s a physical dropbox. Um, so there are essentially two of the same make of any kind, and you can put them in two different locations, and essentially, if someone puts something inside the box and closes it, um, it’s kind of in this weird Schrodinger's cat case where it’s in both box and neither box at the same time. And then if the other person opens it up, they can yank, they can pull out the object, so it’s very good for instantaneous trade. She looks at all of you and says, and says:

Kyle (as Sue)

So a, a couple of the boys when they first moved into Obsidian Bay just found a, just found a fuckton of these. Uh, and this is what we’ve been using for communi—for uh, trade with the town. It’s a bit weird because at first it, it didn’t work? Uh, we thought there were a couple of other ones, they got sent to random other chests. Sometimes food would come back rotten, or we, we’d send them, you know, we’d send them a blood barm and they’d end up with a broken hound, and, well, you know that just doesn’t work out for anyone. Um, we had a lot of our best scientists working on it, but, you know, somehow it didn’t work until—I don’t know, one day, one day it just did. So we’ve been communicating a lot with Obsidian Bay for the past couple of years, but in the past three months, their shipments have just stopped. They don’t get food and we don’t get items from ‘em.

[Pause.]

Kyle (as Sue)

So pretty soon after that, I sent one of my men, uh, William “Bill” Turing. Uh, not the smartest guy, but he makes a good deal. I sent him over to Obsidian Bay to, uh, figure out what’s going on. I haven’t heard from him since, and it’s, it’s been a couple of weeks, and, I mean, I don’t like to catastrophize, but I-I’m getting pretty worried. So, the task for you guys is—as I said, I—we exaggerated, but it’s really pretty simple. We just need you to, uh, go over to Obsidian Bay. It’s about a day’s hike east. Um. Figure out, you know, what, what happened to Bill, and, uh, and if you can figure out why they haven’t been trading with us lately—

[36:22]

Kyle

Uh, she leans over:

Kyle (as Sue)

You can actually get his share of the cut.

Tom (as Xoc)

A cut of what?

Kyle (as Sue)

Cut, a—a cut of his, of his, of his money. His pay. Because—

Tom (as Xoc)

[Impressed] Oh, I didn’t know that you could cut money.

Kyle (as Sue)

Yeah, he, he didn’t do his job.

Ari (as Misha)

So, the, does, does this mean the money is going to be cut in half?

Kyle (as Sue)

It’s—it’s a metapho—

Tom (as Xoc)

That’s what I was thinking!

Hallie

Hop [sounds of distress] Hopper just looks at both of them and says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, it means we’d get a portion of it.

Ari (as Misha)

So the money is going to be cut into little portions and we’re getting a portion of the money. This is a really interesting form of currency that I have not been aware of.

Tom (as Xoc)

Oh, it’s a metaphor! I—oh.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, no, the money isn’t going to be physically cut. We’re not going to cut a coin in half because then it would cease to be a coin and it wouldn’t do anything, but—

Kyle (as Sue)

It’s, it’s a metaphor. It’s a metaphor.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Ma’am, I’m an accountant; I can explain this real quick. See, when you have money—

Tom (as Xoc)

But that’s what I said.

Kyle (as Sue)

Wait, excuse me, excuse me one second, sir—

Kyle

You see, like, this rage spark in her eyes for a moment—

Hallie

Oh no.

Kyle

Before she takes some deep breaths and calms herself down.

Kyle (as Sue)

That is correct. A metaphor. You will get the money he would have gotten if you can do his job for him. Does that, does that--

Kyle

She looks at Elee:

Kyle (as Sue)

Does that make sense?

Emily (as Elee)

Yes.

Tom (as Xoc)

Y-y-y-yes, it does. Yes it does.

Kyle (as Sue)

Was I talking to you?

Emily (as Elee)

I’ll fix this. I’ll fix this. [Slowly] We will give you money.

Kyle (as Sue)

Okay. [Exhales.] What I need you to do is go to Obsidian Bay, to the east, find a man named Bill, and figure out why they aren’t trading with us. Does that make sense?

[Pause.]

Tom

Xoc is going to nod and start slowly backing up towards the door.

Hallie

Hop makes a face like “duh, yes.”

Ari

Misha’s going to reply with exactly as a slow tone.

Ari (as Misha)

Yes, it definitely makes sense.

Kyle (as Sue)

Alright. Um, one thing before you go, uh, is—

Kyle

She pulls out a picture, like a little diagram of something, and it kind of looks like a, kind of looks like a stopwatch, and she says:

Kyle (as Sue)

This is, this is something of Bill’s. He calls it his pocket compressor. Uh, he uses it to store things, I think? You know, he never really explained it that well, but he keeps it on him with all times, this pocket compressor, this “P.C.” he calls it. So, I mean, if you can find this, you’ll, you’ll probably have a good shot of finding Bill. Otherwise, I, I don’t know, the man’s a drunkard, so you can probably—if there’s alcohol, you’ll probably find him.

Emily (as Elee)

Can do.

Kyle (as Sue)

Great.

Hallie

Um, Hopper tips his hat and says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, we’ll be on our way, then, madam mayor. I’ll expect to get back to you soon.

Kyle

Alright. You leave the room and you see the mayor just put her head into her hands and you kind of see her back heaving a little bit. She may or may not be crying with exasperation, uh, we’re not quite sure. Um, it’s, it’s been a rough, a rough five minutes for her. Um, so, uh, yeah, do you want anything? Do you have anything you want to do, or do you want to get, uh, do you want to get right to the quest?

Emily

Before—before we leave—

Hallie

Hopper’s ready to go.

Tom

Uh. Xoc—

Emily

Go—

Tom

No, no you go ahead first.

[40:01]

Emily

Before we leave, Elee just turns back to the mayor.

Emily (as Elee)

You know, you could have just sent me. It probably would have been a better idea.

Hallie

Rude.

Kyle (as Sue)

Right.

Kyle

She pulls out a couple more eulogy forms in preparation. Alright, Xoc, what do you want to do?

Tom

Once we get outside of the room, Xoc is just gonna turn to Misha and telepathically say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Are you a machine?

Ari

Uh. [Laughs.] So Misha’s gonna, uh, look at Xoc. Can I—so how does your telepathic thing work? Can I speak telepathically back to you?

Tom

Uhh I think so. It’s—let me, let me look at the wording. I—I was at least interpreting it as we could communicate wirelessly.

Ari

Oh, fun.

Tom

[Crosstalk 40:55]

Kyle

Yeah, he talks, he—Xoc is Donatello, he talks to machi—he does the machines.

Ari

Okay, fun.

Tom

Yes.

Ari

So, uh, Misha is just going to look at, uh, at Xoc a little surprised, and nod, and is going to answer:

Ari (as Misha)

[Surprised] And are you not?

Tom (as Xoc)

I-I mean, well, I-I like to think that I’m as much machine as I am human. I was raised by machines, actually. I, I grew up a machine?

Ari (as Misha)

Ooh.

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, I, so I guess I am technically a human, but I’ve got machine parts. Uh, so I’m—I’m like a machine, kind of.

Ari (as Misha)

That is—that is quite intriguing!

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s strange. A lot of things are strange.

Emily

So are you guys just—are you guys just staring off into space this whole time?

Hallie

[Laughter]

Tom

At each other, but yes.

Kyle

Yeah, none of you can hear a single word they’re saying.

Ari

[Crosstalk 41:53]

Hallie

No.

Kyle

You’re just, like, staring there as they, like, do a—it looks like, it looks like they’re having a staring contest, and you two are just, like, there.

Emily

Elee’s just watching in confusion and judgement.

Hallie

Um, Hopper went to the bar to get some water, because he drank a little bit too much when he took a nap.

Tom

[Laughter] Okay, safe kid.

Kyle (as bartender)

Well, of course there, dear, uh, is, is this for here or is this for the road?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, ah, yeah, for the road.

Kyle (as bartender)

Alright then.

Kyle

She pulls out what looks like a little, a little plastic, a little plastic cup and just dips up, puts all the water in it and says:

Kyle (as bartender)

Alright now, are—are you going to be okay with this or do you want me to put a lid on it?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Cautiously] I’ll be okay.

Kyle (as bartender)

Alright. Good luck dear, I thi—you’ll do great.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Thank you.

Hallie

And then he’s gonna turn around and walk and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

God, this town is confusing.

Hallie

To himself.

Emily

[Laughter]

Tom

Perfect. Uh, Xoc is also going to do the hand touch back, uh, and then say out loud:

Tom (as Xoc)

We’re going to be such great friends! I haven’t met anyone like you since I’ve been traveling!

Kyle

For anyone listening, Misha, in our voice chat, did the Tarzan Jane, like, heart thing on Xoc.

Ari

Like, the hand thing. Yeah, so Misha is going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Yes, what makes—what parts of you makes you human and what parts of you makes you machine? That is, this is quite intriguing. I’ve never met anyone quite—quite like you before.

Tom (as Xoc)

Oh, well I’m glad you asked.

Tom

And so Xoc takes off his hood and he lifts up a tuft of hair and you see, like, a disk drive in the side of his head.

Ari

Uh huh.

Tom

The left side of his head, to be specific. And he lifts open a flap of, like, that looks like skin, but it’s, it’s just a little flap on the, uh, on the side of it, and pulls out a couple of chips from the inside and says:

Tom (as Xoc)

My spellbook!

Tom

And slots them back in.

Tom (as Xoc)

And who knows what else is a machine!

Ari (as Misha)

Huh. That is—

Kyle (as bartender)

Alright, now, dear. Dear, dear, I don’t mean to be much of a hassle, but we are a fighting town, but we don’t want to go into these gross extremities, if you could just take that outside, I would really appreciate it.

Tom (as Xoc)

Alright, fine, I guess.

Tom

Xoc just sort of huffs, and flips up his hood again and says:

Tom (as Xoc)

[Indignantly] A wizard leaves only when he chooses to. Mmhm.

Ari

[Laughter]

Tom

And then just walks out, out trying to swish his robe about, a little bit.

Kyle

Alright, so you all very dramatically leave the bar. Uh, and are we gonna head straight for Obsidian Bay?

Hallie

Yes. Well, Hopper is.

Ari

I don’t have any money, so I really—

Kyle

Was there—was there anything anyone wanted to do before then?

Tom

So Xoc looks at everyone and says:

Tom (as Xoc)

Do—do they give us the food before we do the job? Or, or after we do the job?

[45:01]

Hallie (as Hopper)

What food?

Ari

Be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, so you do eat.

Tom (as Xoc)

I, I was under the impression that you did work to get food. Uh, and that’s important because I haven’t had food for about a day or so.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I mean, sometimes, but this is, this is a paying job. The ad said money, right?

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, so the food is the thing that gets split in half, not the money. I guess that would make more sense.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Trying to cut Misha off] No, no, no, no, no, no, uh—no! Uh.

Tom (as Xoc)

Alright, o-okay, okay, but, but, in that case, how, how can I exchange this money for food? I, I know it’s valuable, but I’ve been—i-it’s a long story; I haven’t really had a chance to use shins before.

Kyle

Almost by fate, you hear a voice ringing down the corner.

Kyle (as vendor)

Hot hounds! Hot hounds for sale! Come and get your nice, tasty midnight hot hounds!

Hallie

Hopper points at him and says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

There’s a guy! You just—

Tom (as Xoc)

But it’s not midnight.

Hallie (as Hopper)

He’ll tell you how much his food costs and then you give him that many shins.

Emily (as Elee)

You know you don’t have to pay for food. I have food.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, you have to pay for food. Oh! Oh, you’re offering. Well, if—

Emily (as Elee)

No, I have food.

Tom (as Xoc)

You have food?

Emily (as Elee)

I’m giving him food. Wait, one sec. One sec.

Emily

Elee reaches into her hat, and by the tail, pulls out a large rat.

Ari

Gross.

Emily

It’s dead. It’s dead.

Kyle

It’s been dead for a very long time.

Emily

Too long.

Hallie

Hopper looks back from the rat to Xoc and then says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

So there’s a hot hound guy right over there.

[Laughter]

Hallie

And he’ll just tell you how many shins his actual food costs.

Emily (as Elee)

This is food.

Tom (as Xoc)

Now that’s—now that’s simple enough. That’s simple enough, but I can eat this rat now and save the shins to buy other things later. It—it’s just the smart choice.

Emily (as Elee)

Exactly.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I mean, yeah...

Ari

Misha’s going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Uh, I-I do believe those, those animals have tendencies to cause disease to a certain race of humans, or a certain—

Tom (as Xoc)

Nah, you just gotta—you just gotta cook them properly. That’s, that’s actually the easy part.

Emily (as Elee)

I’m not dead yet.

Tom (as Xoc)

I’ve, I’ve had to eat rats many times.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I see. Interesting that you eat food.

Kyle

Alright, so Tom, are you going to eat the rat?

Tom

Well, I mean, not right here and now. We’ve got to cook it and clean it.

Emily

Why?

Tom

Xoc’s not a barbarian.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, look, if you’re gonna cook the rat, that’s fine, but maybe you should do that later so that we can get a—

Hallie

Like, what time is it? Is it noon? Like.

Kyle

It’s, it’s evening. It was an evening bar brawl. So, like, if you, if you leave now, you could get to Obsidian Bay by maybe mid/late afternoon tomorrow.

Hallie

Okay. Um.

Tom

By walking through the night?

Kyle

Yeah. Well, you, you could sleep for, like, thirty minutes.

Hallie

Well, if it’s the evening—sorry, I thought it was like, midday. Um, I forgot it was evening. If it’s evening, in that case, Hop will say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, if you wanna just leave tomorrow morning and get there, like, late tomorrow, that would be fine and then you could cook your rat, I guess.

Tom (as Xoc)

Makes sense.

Hallie (as Hopper)

But you know, the bar, the tavern has really good calzunes.

Ari

[Laughter] Calzunes.

Tom (as Xoc)

What’s a calzune?

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m glad you asked. A calzune is, like, dough, and then there’s tomatoes and cheese, and they put a lot of meat in this one, and normally, I don’t eat that much meat, but, like, it’s really good meat in here and they’re really filling and delicious. You know, not enough people appreciate them. Like, I had to ask them here to make it special, because it wasn’t a normal menu item. Who wouldn’t have a calzune as a normal menu item?

Kyle

Welcome, everyone, to Chef Friends! Everyone’s favorite roleplaying/cooking podcast, where we talk about all sorts of food.

Tom

Xoc looks down at the rat, hands it back to Elee, and says:

Tom (as Xoc)

Thank you very much, but I came here to learn, and that means I’m going to eat a calzune today.

Hallie

Hopper is really surprised that someone actually took his recommendation for a calzune, so he’s going to be kinda—

Tom (as Xoc)

Lead the way, Hopper Scotch!

Tom

And he punctuates this with a dramatic point.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay!

Hallie

Hopper’s like kind of jumping up and down a little bit, he’s that excited, and he runs back into the tavern, screaming:

[Outro music plays.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Your finest calzunes, ma’am.

Kyle