• Quest Friends!

Ep. 17: Hop's Memory, Part 2

Updated: Apr 29, 2019

In order to find his criminal, Hop finds himself.

Listen as he:

DIAGRAMS murderous motivation!

CHARTS scalable sexiness!

MAPS OUT fortuitous futures!

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version):

[Calming, thoughtful, piano song plays.]

Kyle

Alright, so, Hop, you have a couple of hours until you and...Joe, who I'll still refer to as Beatrice, until you and Beatrice kind of meet up again. So, what are you gonna do in this time? How are you gonna collect your clues?

Hallie

Okay. Well, [Thoughtful noise.] so, my working theory is that someone chopped the head off and then poured water over the ice to make it look like it had melted off. I think that, because it's so hot, the water can't have been there for very long. Or it would have evaporated. So, I'd like to do a quick search of the area to see if I can find, like a glass or a canteen or a bottle of some kind.

Kyle

Give me a roll. Give me--roll me a 1d20.

Hallie

[Dice rolling.]

Another eight!

Kyle

Alright, you go around, and it takes you a while. So out of your--I’m gonna say you have three hours—

Hallie

Ok.

Kyle

I'm gonna say this takes a half hour of that time.

Hallie

Sure.

Kyle

But you eventually find a canteen. And it's a pretty normal canteen, except it's got really artificial bedazzlements on it, and it tries to be looking a lot fancier than it is. And next to it, and this is the really weird thing, attached to it, you see a small canteen.

Hallie

Okay, which makes me feel like it belongs to...the mayor. Cause he's got a rabbit. Uh, If I study the ice sculpture one more time, I wouldn't be able to tell what the weapon, if it was like an axe or a sword…

Kyle

No.. It's..

Hallie

Okay, Simon's twelve, he doesn't know that much.. Okay...

Kyle

[Laughter.] Well actually no, gimme a role to see if he pull it, and you're actually gonna get advantage cause of the Jameson Hopper stories.

Hallie

Woo!

[Dice rolling.]

A three!

Kyle

You remember a time when Jameson Hopper saw a statue like this with a hat on it, and then suddenly...nothing happened. It's a history book, so things don't always happen, so it was really a very dull chapter. They spend most of the time describing the dimples of the statue.

Hallie

Alright, young Simon is not rolling very well .

Kyle

It's almost like he's twelve!

Hallie

It's almost like he's twelve! So uh, twelve year old Hop is gonna make his way to the way to the mayor's house. I assume I know where that is.

Kyle

Yeah. You can make your way to the mayor's office.

Hallie

I'm being sneaky about it though, like I don't want people to see me.

Kyle

Okay!

Hallie

I'm not quite like Kronk in 'Emperor's New Groove' where he's like 'duh tuh ta tuh duh' like coming with his own theme music, but I'm definitely getting into it.

Kyle

Okay so you sneak into the large glass building, which is city hall. And what do you do when you get to the front of the glistening glass columns of city hall, which you can see from the outside because again, it's all fucking glass.

Hallie

Right. [Laughter.]

Kyle

You can see a main lobby area, you can see the police station, which has one police officer; she's asleep. And then up on the second floor, there's a lobby and then there is this opaque glass room which is the mayor's office.

Hallie

Aww, damnit, it's on the second floor?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay. There's no, like, tree, outside the mayor's office is there?

Kyle

The area where Dunshire is, there's usually a lot of foliage but Dunshire is a bit more dry, but next to the mayor's office… You see, the Unity Tree, a symbol of the grand unity between all the citizens of Dunshire. It reaches all the way up to the mayor's office, but it is very old and it looks like a stiff wind can knock it over.

Hallie

Okay so, hmm, I did not think of the implication of glass buildings when trying to sneak through places.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I just didn't think about it. So there's a lobby on the second floor that goes into the mayor's office…

Kyle

Yes.

Hallie

And I'm assuming there's a secretary or receptionist outside?

Kyle

Yup! Her name's Julie. She's nice.

Hallie

Do you know what, I'm just gonna go direct, I'm still holding the canteen, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I wanna go into the office and just speak to nice Julie.

Kyle

Okay. Julie when she sees you is like:

Kyle (as Julie)

Hey Simon! Would you like some candy?

Kyle

And she pulls out a glass bowl that has a bunch of raisins in it.

Hallie

Just raisins… [Laughter.] You know what, Hop probably likes raisins

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

He'll say thank you politely [Laughter.] and take a handful…

Kyle (as Julie)

By the way, congratulations on your graduation to royalty.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh! Uh, thank you!

Hallie

And then, uh, he'll shrug a little bit cause the king and queen don't do anything right?

Kyle

No, it's like prom king and prom queen—

Hallie

[Laughter.] Yeah, okay!

Kyle And it's like for a day, but, Dunshire has literally nothing else.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So they get super into uh, the king and queen.

Hallie

I can see the mayor through the glass walls, I'm assuming.

Kyle

You can see him kind of pacing back and forth—

Hallie

Kay!

Kyle

And you can see his shape and you can kinda see him just kinda yelling, being like:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

What are we gonna do, Amber?! I just, I don't know, my reputations is gonna be ruined forever! Like, this is, this is a bad thing to happen!

Hallie

Okay, you know what? Hops' gonna take a direct route. He respects authority, he thinks this is probably gonna be a helpful route. So he's just gonna tell Miss Julie:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Excuse me, miss, but I think the mayor is upset about a sculpture that melted in the garden and I have some information for him.

Kyle

Julie is the one person in town who doesn't discount your ideas immediately. So, instead of actually, like, saying anything, she's just gonna hand some raisins and be like:

Kyle (as Julie)

Alright, but you better take a few more for strength.

Hallie

I will do that!

Kyle

You take it and you will...how will you march into the mayor's office?

Hallie

I'm gonna chew my raisins before I go in so that I am not chewing raisins trying to confront him. So, Hop will be about to knock, but then he reminds himself: no no, I'm Hopper now.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I've got a job to do. I'm gonna help people, [Laughter.], so he will just open the door—he's not gonna like kick it down or anything. This is a big deal for him, opening a door, not knocking first, though.

Kyle

As you walk in, to this very, somehow, he makes glass gaudy, like it's already gaudy, but he makes it, like, extravagant almost like, uh—

Hallie

Bedazzled.

Kyle

Yeah it's super bedazzled, and Amber just turns over and her nose twitches a little bit and he stops dead and he's like:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

What was that, girl? Oh! Theo! I--I will solve it! Wait, no, uh, you're the son!

Kyle

And he tries to put on a little kid voice:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[Slow and condescending.] What can I do for you today, young boy?

Hallie

Ooh, Hop’s is not having any of that.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Excuse me, sir! But I think you ought to know something about that sculpture in the garden.

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

What? That its head is off? That it's gonna ruin my career forever? You just wanna rub it in? Who put you up to it? Was it Alvin?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, sir, my dad would never!

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Well there's a lot that adults would do, that they would say they wouldn't do, young man.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Accusatory.] You mean like cut the head off of an ice sculpture and pretend it melted?

Kyle

He's gonna, like, slam the door:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

You can't speak like that, Simon! Alright, this is enough of an issue as is, don't go blowing it out of proportion. Does your dad, does he want, my crown? My mayoral crown?

Kyle

He kind eyes this little, paper mache crown--

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

--that he made for himself on the corner of his desk.

Hallie

[Laughter.] It's like popsicle sticks.

Kyle

No--yeah all popsicle sticks and it's like he can't use Sonnati Ice so it's just colored regular ice that's slowly melting.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

With all due respect sir, he doesn't even want the Sonnati Solstice one, but I do think that the problem might be bigger than you think it is. Cause, well I looked at the sculpture, and, I just don't think it melted.

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[Scoffs.] No one would cut off a head here in Dunshire. Has that strange girl been getting to you? Filling your head with mystery?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No sir, it isn't Beatrice, it's… Well it's basic logic! I looked at, at, at the sculpture, and I know there was water around it, but there wasn't anything melted off the sculpture to make the water. So I think someone made it look like it melted. And, as is my civic duty, I wanted to notify the highest authority.

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Well I appreciate that young man, and we will keep it in mind.

Hallie

He's gonna pull out the canteen, well he's been holding it but like he's gonna present it to the mayor now.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sir, I found this at the crime scene. I think it might be yours!

Kyle

He's gonna grab it and be like:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Oh well, thank you son, thank you so much!

Kyle

And he's gonna open it up, and he's gonna gul—he's gonna spray the water all inside all over his face.

Hallie

[Laughing.]

Kyle

And be like:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Wait a second, where did you get this from? Thieving isn't polite!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sir, I think you forgot it. In the gardens.

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Of course it was in the gardens, I'm the mayor, I can't let myself be getting dehydrated on the Sonnati Solstice. I've got over a dozen of them hidden in the gardens—wait, nope, hmm, that part, that last part wasn't true, that was a trick, son, you passed!

Hallie

Hop will innocently cock his head a little bit and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Why would you like about the number of canteens you had in the garden?

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[In a very suspicious fashion.] Because I, uh, because I'm the mayor, I'm good ole fun..Mayor… Barnaby. Just playing a little practical joke.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Lighten the mood a little bit.

Hallie

[Laughing harder.]

And at that line, Hop will do his first ever look at the camera--

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

--at age twelve, a very 'I don't get it' type of thing, [Laughter.] look at the camera.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sir, what are you going to do about the information I just told you?

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[Condescending.] I will use it as best as I can. Don't you worry your little head about it.

Kyle

And he will push up your hat a little bit and ruffle your hair.

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[Awkward.] Now, um, Mister Mayor, likes having fun, as we learned here today, and I'm sure you'll tell all your friends, but he has very important business to attend to so, if you please…

Kyle

And he'll like grab you by the back and just start pushing you out the door.

Hallie

As he's pushing me out the door can I do a quick scan of the room to see if I notice anything that's out of place?

Kyle

Yeah, gimme a roll.

Hallie

[Dice rolling.]

[Laughing.] An eight! I can only roll threes and eights!

Kyle

You see nothing but normal business stuff.

Hallie

Fine.

Kyle

Also remember you have two experience you can uses at any time.

Hallie

[Gleeful.] Oh my god, I wanna use an an experience point—

Kyle

No, you have three experience I gave you—

Hallie

[Excited.] I have THREE points! I wanna use an experience point to be able to look effectively, can I do that?

Kyle

Uh, that will be two, two is an automatic success.

Hallie

[Mutters.] Ughh, I wanna save them though, for something cool later. I'll use the two now, cause, I'll forget and then never get to do anything cool.

Kyle

Alright so how does this experience help you see what's in the room?

Hallie

Um, Hop, this is his first investigation, so he--he's stuck between wanting to like respect authority. He doesn't really know if he thinks the mayor did it or not, but as he's trying think of the best questions, and he realizes the mayor's pushing him out, he's thinking 'oh crap, you know Jameson Hopper looks around and… investigates things!

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I should be doing that! Why am I not doing that?' So in the adrenaline as he's being forcibly pushed from the office he's forcing himself to look around and be observant.

Kyle

Alright, so you a glass whiteboard, a glass board, you see a venn diagram drawn on it, and on the right side, you see an open packet that says 'what to do in case of a cover up'

Hallie

[Snort of laughter.]

Kyle

--and on the left you see a 'what to do in case of a beheading' and you see the venn diagram and all you see written in the middle right now is 'claim that is not your fault'.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

[Hurriedly.] Well thank you so much young man, I will see you, tomorrow.

Kyle

And he slams the door and starts pacing to himself and he's like:

Kyle (as Mayor Barnaby)

Well now I have an even bigger cover up to take care of!

Hallie

Hah!

Kyle

And Julie just looks at you and says:

Kyle (as Julie)

Mmm, he's doing that thing again. Do you need some more raisins?

Hallie

Hopper just nods, it was riveting for him.

Kyle

She gives you as many raisins as you want.

Hallie

I want two handfuls this time.

Kyle

Alright that's about, I say it's about forty-five minutes that's gone overall.

Hallie

Okay!

Kyle

That, like, additional forty-five…

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

So you've got about an hour and forty-five minutes left.

[11:30.]

Hallie

So, the thing about the mayor is that I get the impression, and I would know this, but like from living in this town, that the mayor is probably not that good at being a mayor.

Kyle

No.

Hallie

Like—

Kyle

No, no.

Hallie

He just doesn't seem competent enough to Hop at this point, to pull this off.

Kyle

A nickname for Julie that's said behind Mayor Barnaby's back, is she is often called, 'Mayor Julie'.

Hallie

Fantastic, I love it. And Julie gives me raisins, so I'm just--she's not even a suspect. I'm going to go to Joan's house now, because I just, as a player I really want to see Joan!

[Sweet piano music begins.]

Kyle

So next to your house, you see this very systematically put together lawn, you can tell that they merged Theo's kind of practicalness, and ability to nurture with Dad Alvin's more creative outlets. There's like a lot of grass sculptures that raise super high that Alvin has kinda cut them out to nice shapes. Alternatively, there is Joan's garden—

[Horrifying crashing sounds.]

Which is basically haggard and there are dead plants everywhere.

[Sweet music ends.]

She claims to import the finest and most exotic, and she says that in the most infuriating way, foliage from all across the Ninth World. Your fathers have placed bets on how long it would last. The longest piece of foliage lasted, was a week. Or as Dad Theo will say with glee, cause he was the one who won that, one week, two days, three hours, and forty-five minutes. Most houses have at least a little bit of, like, hidden about them.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Like a little bit of opaque things like bedrooms, and bathrooms and houses. Joan, well, she has [Imitating Joan’s voice.] nothing to hide—

Hallie

[Horrified noises.]

Kyle

So her entire house is basically see through.

Hallie

[Horrified and disgusted noise.]

Kyle

So as you come in, she is lounging on the couch—she's on the couch reading a magazine that she's cobbled together herself from different magazines.

Hallie

God, why? That's so much work! Okay so, Hops a little more confident now, but going into the door of a public official's office is a little different than barging into someone's home. So he will ring the doorbell in this case.

Kyle

[Jokingly.] 'Sup Joan! It's me, HOP!

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I'm twelve! [Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, you knock on her door and she doesn't look up from her magazine and she just says:

Kyle (as Joan)

Who is it?

Hallie

Aww shoot, she isn't gonna answer if she knows who I am… Um, I'm gonna try to make my voice a little bit deeper be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Police Investigation Force!

Kyle

Give me a roll.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

Three! [Dismayed laughter.] I've rolled nothing but these—

Kyle

She's gonna get this big smile.

Hallie

[Wheeze of laughter.]

Kyle (as Joan)

[Seductively.] Oh come on, if you were an admirer and wanted to come in, you didn't have to pretend to be a police force to knock down my doors!

Kyle

And she's gonna stand up and kinda walk super fancily towards the door and she's gonna open it up and be like:

Kyle (as Joan)

Well hello, strange—ah oh… [Disappointed.]

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Joan)

[Awkwardly.] Hiiii, Simonnnn…

Hallie

[Laughter.] This is especially funny cause couldn't she see me through the glass?

Kyle

Uh she was, busy looking at, she was busy looking at her magazines.

Hallie

Okay. Um..

Kyle

Actually no, I got a better idea. Joan wears glasses and she, uh, she was trying to make herself look super sexy--

Hallie

Oh.

Kyle

--so she had taken off her glasses and set them to the side. Which, fun fact, glasses? Also made out of glass.

Hallie

[Snort.] Hop will look up at Joan, and he'll say um:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Excuse me, ma'am, but in light of evidence of foul play, I've been appointed the official investigator of the mayor's office.

Hallie

Which is a lie, that is not how that meeting went.

Kyle

Yeah, give me a roll for the lie.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

A twelve! It's not a three or an eight!

Kyle

She's gonna look at you and say:

Kyle (as Joan)

That sounds like something, you would do.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Joan)

Well I suppose I'll have to let you into my house. But I'm not going to offer you anything!

Kyle

And she goes and she sits down on her uh, glass couch, and she just kinda lets the door slam behind her. She doesn't, like, open it for you, she sits down and puts on her glasses, what do you do?

Hallie

Okay so, my jumper jeans have pockets. I didn't specify this but can I have a little Blue's Clues notepad in there somewhere?

Kyle

Oh absolutely. I am assuming you've been jotting down everything.

Hallie

Yes, I have been. So I'm going to pull out my little Blue's Clues thing, and, um, look very officious, ready to take notes. I am not sitting cause I have not been invited to sit down, and Hop maybe—

Kyle

But you did walk in—

Hallie

I did walk in, yeah, but I'm just standing in the living room with her. I would've followed her to wherever she went.

Kyle

Okay!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Ma'am! You were present when the beheaded ice sculpture of my dad, King Theo, was discovered, but there is evidence of foul play! It looks like the ice did not, in fact, melt.

Kyle (as Joan)

I don't see how that's foul play! Isn't foul play meant to be something bad? Or are the kids using different words these days?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well ma'am, I would define cutting off the head of an ice sculpture as bad.

Kyle (as Joan)

[Sighs.] Continue, and will you please sit down? You're making me horribly uncomfortable.

Kyle

The only chair has like a bunch of the magazines used to make the magazines—

Hallie

[Laughter.] Okay.

Kyle

Are just scattered all over it as well as some random food. She is living the bachelor life.

Hallie

[Laughter.] Okay, I will clear a space for myself from the chair that just like—

Kyle (as Joan)

Be careful, be careful! I might read some of those later.

Hallie

He's doing it gently. I would love to just do a cat swipe, but Hopper's polite still. So he—

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

—will like gently collect everything and put it gingerly on like a coffee table or something that's nearby.

Kyle

God, I need to Dunshire to a whole campaign so I can see how future Hop would deal with Joan!

Hallie

[Laughter.] It would be different! Hop will appear to be flipping through his notepad as if he had any notes to reference.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So, um…

Hallie (as Hopper)

Ma'am, at approximately five o'clock today, the sculpture of King Theo was found beheaded, and you were there! I know, cause I was also there! Where were you before then?

Kyle (as Joan)

Well, the mayor was taking us on a tour! I might say it was, delightful! I saw my old aneen, Betsy, at least five times. So I might say I was feeling pretty good about myself. And you know, and the mayor, the sweetheart that he was, was talking about it was great was that I, was Queen, and he didn't talk about Theo being King at all! Anyways, I'm getting off track… So there we were, we were walking, me and your dad, and your dad, and the mayor, and the mayor's… rabbit. And he had to run off for the uh, the performance, to get everything ready. And so we just kinda sat around there for a little bit. And then, [Sighs.], your father, both of them, in fact! They both just got so listless, that they just wandered of on their own and they left poor little me by myself. And n-next, next I know it's like an hour later and I hear this horrible cry, and I run to it as fast as I can, because you know, dear, there's no story that Joan Miller doesn't know about. And… that was when I saw it. I saw that beautiful, beautiful sculpture of myself, and that significantly improved sculpture of, well was your father, but at this point it could be anybody. I personally like to imagine that it was that Mister Collodi. He was the top ranking member in this sexy mad scientist's magazine—[Self-satisfied giggle.] I should know, I cobbled it together myself!

Hallie

As a tangent, Hopper is genuinely interested.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You cobbled the story together, yourself? Or the story existed and then you made a new story out of it?

Kyle (as Joan)

Dear, context is everything. The story was there, when put together by these other not quite as sexy mad scientists, well it took on its own new form.

Hallie

Okay… [Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

I agree, ma'am, context is everything! And some people would say that this particular context is kind of suspicious. Cause everyone knows that, you kinda hate my dad, and you didn't want to be Queen with him. And it is mighty suspicious, some people would say, that my dad's statue was beheaded, and yours was not.

Kyle (as Joan)

Ohho dear! Oh, did you think I did it?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, ma'am! Some people!

Kyle (as Joan)

Listen, honey. There's one thing you have to know about me. If I do things, I do it in full, so trust me. If I had destroyed that statue, the whole thing would've been burned to the ground. Probably would've had a little confetti too, you know, a little bit of fun!

Hallie

Hopper will think about that. He's gonna dig in a little bit, and kinda look at the stack of [Mockingly.] the magazines that she cobbles together for her own reading.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You're right, ma'am, I suppose some people didn't consider, that some people lack all subtlety.

Kyle (as Joan)

Well, thank you dear, you're too kind. It's as we say in the Miller household. If you don't do something big enough that everyone can see, what's the point of doing it at all?

Hallie

Wow, I thought that was a rager insult, and she was gonna be mad… This is fine. Um, Hop will ignore that and he'll say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Ma'am, did you see anything suspicious during your tour of the gardens, this morning?

Kyle (as Joan)

[Sigh.] Well, you're gonna have to be more specific. I mean, I saw so many horrible things in that garden. I don't know what the person was doing putting the aneens next to the seskies. Everybody knows seskies are natural predators of aneens. If this were a real garden, oh! Those things woulda been torn to shreds! So there definitely was a murder, for arrangement.

Hallie

Can Hopper kinda think back to the arrangement of the gardens and think whether the arrangement was legitimately different than it has been in past years? Like if the seskies are normally not next to the aneens?

Kyle

Yeah, they're normally--they normally aren't together. And something weird you also notice, is that Joan's collaging, of magazines, has gotten a bit more fran—uh a bit more, just more lately.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Like usually she just reserves it for big things, right? Like, uh, she had Missing Princesses Monthly, a couple of weeks ago.

Hallie

[Raspberry laughing noise.] There are that many?

Kyle

With a big cover story about Anastasia Brackleberry, the uh, the missing princess to the Ancuan Empire. So usually it's big things like that, so the fact that she's assembling a sexy mad scientist monthly, is, is a bit weird to you, because Joan doesn't care about that stuff.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

And something you'll remember is that normally around this time, Joan has always talked about how she has assembled the gardens herself, and she has put everything in order, and she was the big decorator.

Hallie

Did she, this year?

Kyle

She hasn't talked about it this year. And she's gotten more into making her magazines than usual.

Hallie

Okay, so in that case, Hope will say, um:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well ma'am, that does sound very disorganized, but aren't you normally the one who arranges the gardens?

Kyle (as Joana)

[Indignant gasp.] Oh!

Kyle

And she looks as if you have stabbed her in the heart.

Hallie

God…

Kyle (as Joan)

I did not come here, to be assaulted, young man!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, this is your house, I came here!

Kyle (as Joan)

[Sniffs.] Yes!

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Joan)

[Indignant.] Okay? Yes! I was supposed to make the gardens, but I didn't!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Who did?

Kyle

[Huffs.] She's gonna have a big sigh.

Kyle (as Joan)

It's not, a woman's business, to get between her mortal enemies, and their son.

[Ominous Sound.]

Even I wouldn't do that.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Slight fear.] What are you saying?

[22:45.]

Kyle (as Joan)

What I'm saying, is that! Your, father, Theo, became King, because Alvin… had agreed to decorate the gardens this year for the mayor. Apparently there was something about, creative differences, and me trying to poison the mayor's rabbit, and I would never do that!

Hallie

Pffft!

Kyle (as Joan)

She's got nothing, on me.

Hallie

Can Hopper kinda turn around and look again at the differences between her yard and our yard? Just taking it all in, like yeah, Alvin is the objective better choice.

Kyle

Yeah, the garden was objectively better than it was every other year.

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle

Like you're twelve, but even you notice that.

Hallie

Okay, um, on that note, Hopper will say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

So you had a lot more free time on your hands this-this year?

Kyle (as Joan)

I wouldn't call myself, free. I've been doing my best work every single year! Please, please, would you like to see some of my magazines? We don't just have sexy mad scientists, we have sexy world conquerors, sexy world enders… We. Even. Have. Every known amber pope rated, of course, by sexiness!

Hallie (as Hopper)

No thank you, ma'am! That will be all, thank you for your time!

Hallie

At that point, Hopper will close his notepad and put it back in his shir--in his jumper jeans pocket, and then he's gonna let himself out.

Kyle (as Joan)

Ta-ta~!

Kyle

Alright, you've got about forty-five minutes to an hour left, what are you gonna do?

Hallie

Argh…Okay...

Kyle

You probably have time for I'll say, one more stop.

Hallie

So, now knowing, that Alvin apparently agreed to decorate the gardens, in return for Theo being King, [Muttering.] though don't know how true that is because it was Joan, uh Hop's just gonna go next door and confront his-his dad.

Kyle

Yeah, you walk in the door and uh—

Hallie

This is my home! So I can do that!

Kyle

Yeah! And your dads' just sitting there. And they're playing like uh, a Ninth World version of checkers/chess.

Hallie

Chessers.

Kyle

Yeah, they're playing--they’re playing Chessers, while Alvin is reading the newspaper, and uh, Theo is reading one of his novels, that you are not allowed to read—

Hallie

Hah!

Kyle

But has very buff men on the cover.

Hallie

[Laughter.] So yeah, Hop's just gonna walk in and, stop in the doorway. And, he's currently deciding to bring it up in front of both of them, or ask Alvin. I genuinely don't know which is the best approach. You know what, I am just gonna ask the both of them cause I wanna keep Alvin accountable. Hop's gonna go in, and he's not gonna take out his notepad this time.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Hey dad, did you decorate the gardens this year?

Kyle

Alvin is gonna look at you a little surprised and be like:

Kyle (as Alvin)

Why—why are you asking, Simon?

Kyle

And dad Theo is gonna just look down from his book and kinda like, you can just see his eyes come out from over the book.

Kyle (as Theo)

Are we still on about that?

Kyle (as Alvin)

Yeah, I mean, I don't see why that matters, Simon?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I guess it's just weird that you didn't tell me.

Kyle

Theo's gonna look at, you're gonna see his eyes just shift over to dad Alvin, and gonna say,

Kyle (as Theo)

Wait, is the kid actually right? Huh, no wonder they look good this year.

Kyle

And he's just gonna go and he's gonna, the book is gonna rise back above his eyes,

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

--and dad Alvin is gonna blush a little bit at that compliment and and gonna look over to you.

Kyle (as Alvin)

Yeah, I decorated it. But I didn't want to make a big deal of it. You know, it was… I didn't wanna overshadow your dad's big day.

Hallie

And at that, Hop will say… He's gonna like, he was real confident with Joan, but these are his dads. So he's losing a little bit of that upright investigative posture, so he's gonna his hands behind his back and scuff the floor a little bit with his shoe, and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I kinda heard you did it to make dad King.

Kyle (as Alvin)

Did Joan say that?

Kyle (as Theo)

Joan probably said it.

Kyle (as Alvin)

Yeah, did Joan--Simon, have you been talking to Joan again?

Hallie

[Coughs.] Hop will say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I have to keep my sources anonymous.

Kyle

You just see the book and eye a little bit and:

Kyle (as Theo)

Yeah, it's Joan.

Hallie

[Laughter.] That's fair.

Kyle

Dad Alvin's gonna, he's gonna push out the chair across from him with a seat and say:

Kyle (as Alvin)

Sit down for a second, Simon.

Hallie

He'll sit.

Kyle (as Alvin)

So, yes, and no.

Kyle

And you're just gonna hear a--

Kyle (as Theo)

[Shouting angrily.] WHAT?

Kyle

--from behind the book as it shakes a little bit, and he says:

Kyle (as Alvin)

No, honey! I really didn't intend it for that to happen, so I heard that Joan wasn't taking care of the arrangements this year, and I was excited to-to give it a shot. You know I only work… Oof, I only work sixty hours a week, so I've got a lot of time on my hands. So yeah, I-I-I mentioned it to the mayor, and he agreed, and I guess as I left, Julie did say “that's thinking like real leadership”, but you know, you know Julie. She's always so complimentary. So I didn't… Oh, no, o-oh no!

Kyle

And his face grows white a little bit with horror.

Kyle (as Alvin)

I think I rigged an election…

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Dad, did Julie say anything else while you were at the mayor's office?

Kyle (as Alvin)

Well, not that I can think of, hmm..

Kyle

And Theo's gonna set down his book and just say

Kyle (as Theo)

Well that's cause you don't know how to talk to women, honey.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Theo)

Yeah, Julie and I, we had a big ole talk while they were inside. I mean, I don't remember what we talked about, proper garden arrangements, the joys and practicalities of raisins, I talked about how proud I was of you a couple of times and she talked about how proud she was of Rosemary a couple of times. I remember her complaining that she didn't have any good candidates for King and Queen, so I remember, telling her, that Joan would be happy enough for anything, and she could probably use the win.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Did you say anything about you?

Kyle (as Theo)

Uh, I don't remember anything else. Except her like saying that, like, I was just a regular Angulan Knight. [Sigh.]

Kyle

He sighs and looks at that portrait of all of you of Angulan Knights on the wall, and just:

Kyle (as Theo)

[Sighs.] I'm never gonna live that one down.

Hallie

[Laughter.] So Hopper's gonna say… He's gonna straighten up a little bit because, A, he's about to present investigative info, and he's trying to get that mindset back. And B, daddy just said he's proud of him and talked about that to Julie. So he's gonna straighten up a little bit, take out his notepad to look more officious and then say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, the thing is, that, I don't think that sculpture melted, and I've been trying to figure out who would intentionally destroy it.

Kyle

A couple of tears just go down Alvin's cheeks. And a couple of tears go down Dad Theo's cheeks as well.

Kyle (as Theo)

I knew I was proud of you, son! We've been talking about that all afternoon!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Surprised gasp.] What?

Kyle (as Alvin)

Nobody knows Sonnati better than your dads, Simon!

Kyle (as Theo)

Nothing, and I mean, nothing, melts Sonnati. You can sauder it together with fire, but actually melting it? Not even a Nano, could do something like that! [Scoffs.]

Kyle (as Alvin)

We've been racking our brains all evening. Do you want share what you learned?

Hallie

Hopper will nod and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well…

[Jazzy investigative music starts.]

It's like you said, Sonnati Ice doesn't melt, and, there wasn't any ice missing off of the sculpture to have made the water that was on the ground. So I think the water, came from somewhere else. But what I can't figure out, is, who stand to benefit from destroying the statue, cause ultimately—

Kyle (as Theo)

Joan!

Hallie (as Hopper)

It doesn't really mean anything. [Laughter.]

Kyle

They both look at each other and say “Joan” and look back at you.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, but—

Hallie

I'm just gonna flip back to the page where he took notes during Joan's interview:

Hallie (as Hopper)

When I was talking with her, she said that, if she had done it, she would have burned the whole thing to the ground. Which is impossible to do with Sonnati Ice, but I get the metaphor.

Kyle

They look at each other again, and say in a more knowing voice, “Joan…”

Hallie (as Hopper)

And, well, Joan said that she spent all morning touring the gardens with the mayor, and she complained that it didn't look as good as it usually did because there were seskies next to aneens, and that's when I thought, the arrangements were different this year. And I asked her if she did the arrangements and she got all sad. She's made a lot of magazines, dad. Like, a lot of magazines, just, so so many magazines that… she cuts out herself...and I think she was really feeling sad that she didn't do it this year, which was fine. It did look much better, dad. I thought so at least. But then I thought, was it arranged to cover up...an ice statue murder?

Kyle

They're gonna sit there, and they're gonna think for a moment.

Kyle (as Theo)

So you, you think I was beheaded, son?

Hallie

Hopper will nod.

Kyle (as Theo)

Well, if you think that's the case, then I think finding the culprit is pretty easy; just gotta find my head.

Kyle

And as he says that, you see the sun slowly set and one last strand of light go onto that time piece in the middle of the table, and you realize your three hours are up and it's time to meet with Beatrice.

[Detective music crescendos and finishes.]

[31:30.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to the episode break, for episode seventeen, Hop's Memory, part two. I'm Kyle, the GM, and literally every suspect, unless of course, Hop committed the murder and didn't even realize it. Our intro music today is 'One Way Home' by White Sand, and our outro music is 'Friends' by Miracle of Sound.

Today's call to action, actually isn't coming from me. As a way to mix up our call to actions, once per month, our call to action section will feature an audio promo by another podcast. Today's promo advertises the just recently started season two of 'Tales from the Dark Dragon's Inn'. Let's take a listen!

Narrator

Cities are hard, they're tangled web of shadows with someone different waiting to stab you in the back on every corner. Baldur's Gate? Ain't no different. If anything, it's worse. There's murder in the air. And a name on everyone's tongue that no one dares to speak. The scales of justice are new in town, hot on the tail of an evil cult, but they're going to make ‘em talk.

'Tales from the Dark Dragon's Inn' is a serialized fiction podcast. Join us for season two, on TFTDDI.CO.UK

Kyle

Yeah! So if that caught your fancy, absolutely check them out. Today's episode was released pretty late on schedule, not only day wise, but also time wise. It is 1:04 AM, hence my very subdued mood. So our next episode will release seemingly a little early.

That's right, we will see you for the continuation of our main story, on Monday, June 25th.

[Soft, dramatic synth music plays.]

[33:57.]

Kyle

Certain things are not meant to be seen at night. Somehow, when the moon glows its brightest, it's inability to be the sun, becomes even more apparent. And as the moonlight illuminates the lifeless ice sculptures, giving them a weight not possible in the bleaching summer sun, a chill runs down your spine. It's quiet, so fucking quiet. And in fact it's so quiet that you jump about ten feet, as a playful voice says:

Kyle (as Beatrice)

Well, Hopper. It's been a long time. Three hours in fact.

Hallie

Hopper does not jump at the voice. And he is stupid proud that he didn't, and he's got his little notepad, he's very proud of his investigative work. And he'll say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

So we meet again, Joe.

Kyle (as Beatrice)

Yes, we do. We do, we do, we do. What dirt have you uncovered on me, this time, Hopper?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, Joe. I found a canteen, that the mayor had left here. And I thought maybe, you know, the water had to fairly recent, cause the water would have evaporated real quickly. So I thought maybe it was the mayor. But the thing about our mayor, is that he's not very good at being a mayor. And I don't know, I don't, think it was him. Uh, and then I talked to Joan Miller, who as we know, is kinda the worst, and doesn't like my dad. But I don't think it's her either. And then I talked to my dads. Uh, it turns out that my dad, arranged the gardens this year, and may have accidentally rigged the royalty election… I don't think they did it on purpose though. My other dad said we have to find the head to find the culprit. You didn't happen to find anything like that, did you?

Kyle

One-Eyed Joe, starts slowly walking up to you. Her hands behind her back.

[Ominous, dramatic music.]

Kyle (as Beatrice)

Well, well, well, Hopper. You've been busy. And you're right. I did find something.

Kyle

With that, her hands suddenly whips out! And in front of your face…

[Ominous music ends.]

You see the two sticks of flavored popsicle ice!

Kyle (as Beatrice)

I found these in the mayor's office. I figure they'd be helpful while we're staking out tonight. Which flavor do like more?

Hallie (as Hopper)

You were in the mayor's office too?

Kyle (as Beatrice)

Well, of course, dude! He's only the most obvious suspect.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don't know!

Hallie

Uh Hopper will take, did you say these were red and blue?

Kyle</