Ep. 21: Questionable Measures, Part 3

Xoc and Misha learn more about each other. Elee learns more about herself.

Listen as our heroes:

PATAKE in common human leisure activities!

DESIGN horrific new culinary combinations!

INVESTIGATE prying eyes!

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version)

Previously, on Quest Friends…

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Tom

Xoc closes the mental channel for now, even though normally it’s always open. –

Kyle

Ari, do you let him close the channel?

Ari

I got a 20.

Tom

That definitely beats me.

Ari

[Laughter].

Kyle

That motherfucking channel stays so open, in fact, you can kind of see a faint, gaseous shape where Loell is standing.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, I still haven’t learned anything [crosstalk 0:22] at all.

Ari (as Misha)

Worry not, I am quite an expert at the art of the haggling.

Kyle

You’re going to have to calculate how much money you spent on things at the store. Not at Penny in Pocket. And then, you will have to convert that into scratch, because scratch machines don’t convert money back to shins.

Hallie

What have you done?

Kyle

So you’re stuck with this useless fun money.

Emily

Oh no!

Hallie

Oh no! [Laughter].

Kyle

You’ve got blood barms, which are tiny horror turkeys that are like turkey sized but they don’t have a head and they’re covered with red egg sacs everywhere.

Hallie

Oh, fun.

Kyle

As you enter, you watch them put the finishing touches on a piece of armor, which he places inside of a deep, blue box. He then taps the box, which flutters out of existence, leaving behind a small little piece of paper, a small little receipt. Mechanically automated research and study a lifeform. This is your free gift, from JET.CO.

You hear MARSHAL just let out this horrible like:

[Pained, mechanical scream].

Please enjoy it, and purchase from us again soon.

[Opening theme intensifies, transitions to majestic theme.]

Kyle (as Announcer)

Welcome to “Eyes on Roulettia.” Today, Piper’s Pit.

Kyle (as News Anchor)

Well, hello there, you handsome kids, adults, and recently deceased. Today we’re going to take a look at Piper’s Pit, the beautiful small town located on the western end of Roulettia. In this area, you can find inside of a very large wall a bunch of adorable small houses all wedged right next to each other. This wonderful architecture, which historians have called “Germanic,” can all be found surrounding a wonderful castle, in which you can find the best deathmatches in all of the Ninth World. But today, children, adults, and lovebirds of all kinds are meeting up for the greatest magical performance the Ninth World has ever seen: The Great Vespari. In fact, here’s two right now!

Well hello, you lucky two young younglings! Where are you going today?

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, uh, excuse me? What?

Ari (as Misha)

Oh! Salutations! My name is [insert introduction from Misha]

Kyle (as News Anchor)

Well hello there, kiddo! I appreciate you speaking into the mic!

Kyle

And a pointed look goes toward Xoc.

Kyle (as News Anchor)

So, I hear you’re going to see The Great Vespari today because let’s be honest, everyone is! Are you excited for his performance today?

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, I am interested in seeing a fellow wizard in his natural … who are you? What’s happening? I don’t understand. Misha, do you know who these people are?

Ari (as Misha)

Um—

Kyle (as News Anchor)

Well there you have it. They haven’t even seen the performance and they already want to go off and get themselves killed doing it. Haha, isn’t that so wonderful? Back to you, Katie!

Kyle

And with that, the cameras turn off, and the man holding the microphone just looks at you and says:

Kyle (as News Anchor)

Hey, kids, you did great, you know, can you just sign this form please?

Kyle

And he hands you a couple of agreements of like yeah, I can be seen on television.

Ari (as Misha)

Um.

Tom

Xoc takes the form in his right hand, and with his left hand, ignites his laser and just [imitates sound of fire igniting] burns up his form.

Ari

Misha is just going to be really slowly reading it with a confused look on their face.

Kyle (as News Anchor)

Well, uhh, that’s very—

Kyle

And the camerawoman puts down her thing and is like:

Kyle (as Camerawoman)

Listen kid, what’s your problem? Alright? We’ve already sent it out. Just do the damn paperwork.

Tom

Xoc just blinks. He’s got nothing here. He just stares at her and then looks over at Misha to see what they’re doing.

Ari

Misha is just like:

Ari (as Misha)

I do not understand why a work of paper is needed for this.

Kyle (as News Anchor)

It’s, uhh … [sighs].

Kyle

And they just sigh, and you see them take out a bag of time crisps, and they’re like:

Kyle (as Camerawoman)

If they aren’t going to sign the form we can’t have them on live television.

Kyle

And they take out about three and you see them bite down, and then they just disappear. And you see them getting a couple kind of across the street to sign some documents. So you can assume they kind of went back in time and recorded it with a more compatible pair of companions.

[4:55]

Ari

Misha is just going to turn to Xoc and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Do you understand what just happened?

Tom (as Xoc)

I do not. But we still have memories—did they go back in time? Either way, we need to hurry, or we’ll miss the show. Come on!

Tom

And Xoc will sort of run ahead and like—

Ari

Oh!

Tom

Tug a little on Misha’s coat sleeve.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, you certainly appear very excited for this show, Xoc.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well I’ve never actually gotten to see a stage nano before. Well, I mean, there were a couple of times from a distance—I saw some weird magic out in the Beyond, but nothing like this!

Ari (as Misha)

Yes, and I must admit I am also quite intrigued. I have never seen a show like this before, so we should both be hopefully very entertained by this.

Tom (as Xoc)

I am very glad.

Tom

And Xoc just grins awkwardly.

Kyle

Yeah, so you are off to see The Great Vespari, someone you saw in your bulletin. You saw being advertised as Fake Esoteries, Real Magic. He is a magician. Oftentimes, magicians are called stage nanos, and curiously you haven’t seen that in any of the descriptions of what he’s put down. He doesn’t seem to like that term very much. But that doesn’t seem to adjust how just excited people are. Because you see, you know, you see infants with old man faces, you old men with infant faces, you see everyone of every type and every age, just rushing as if like a giant, like a pulse, like a ripple, but going inwards towards this giant castle in the middle that’s just adorned with Christmas lights. I could call them something else, but they’re basically giant, glimmering Christmas lights that spell the words “The Great Vespari.”

Ari (as Misha)

Hmm. This appears to be a very popular show.

Tom

Xoc will be looking around at the buildings in awe, saying:

Tom (as Xoc)

I’ve never seen anything like this in the world. What sort of creatures could have made this, do you wonder?

Ari (as Misha)

I have no idea. I have not encountered anything like this in my datasphere investigations. But it is certainly quite unique.

[Beeping noise.]

Kyle (as Information Kiosk)

Well, rumor has it that billions of years ago, lizard people roamed the earth and were in charge of it. And they’ve built these structures of sharp spines to reflect their pointy tails.

[Whimsical music begins.]

Kyle

And you hear this voice come out and you turn over and you see an information kiosk that seems to have lit up and spoken in response to you.

Ari

Misha is going to turn around slightly surprised and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

How long has this thing been following us?

Kyle (as Information Kiosk)

I have been in service for 1,375 days.

Ari (as Misha)

That doesn’t necessarily answer my inquiry.

Tom (as Xoc)

I think it’s a stationary machine, Misha Jarvis.

Kyle (as Information Kiosk)

My name is The Incalculable Quorum of Beneficial Outputs. But you can call me Q-BO.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, it was very nice meeting you, friend Q-BO. Perhaps we will meet you again.

Ari (as Misha)

I look forward for meeting other ones of your kind while we are around here. You have been quite informative, I suppose.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Of course. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Kyle

And the machine seems to blip off and start responding to like—there’s a couple that walks by and they’re talking about ice cream, and they’re like:

Kyle (as Couple)

God, this iced cream sucks!

Kyle

Because ice cream is a novel Roulettia concept, so it’s literally just cream that’s been shoved in ice. And they’re like:

Kyle (as Couple)

This is terrible, this tastes awful.

Kyle

And you hear Q-BO respond to them:

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Looking up recipes for iced cream.

Kyle

And he seems to be off talking to them now. So you’re free to go on your own. Do you want to—it looks like you’ve got a little bit of time left. You’re right in front of the castle, so do you want to go straight in, do you want to do anything beforehand? What are we up to?

Ari

I guess just before that, Misha is going to grab a little bit at their hat, kind of excitedly, and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

You know what Xoc? I just started to see the appeal in wearing these things. I understand now why Simon Scotch likes wearing these so much. I like this new garment that I have right now.

Tom (as Xoc)

Clothes can be very interesting. I still have a lot to learn about why people do things, but I think I understand wanting to look nice. Misha Jarvis, what sort of human things do you like to do?

Ari

Misha is going to kind of look surprised at that question, and kind of think about it for a moment and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, uh—

Ari

I shrug:

Ari (as Misha)

You know, I am not experienced with human activities as much. I really have only started to realize how many of those exist. But I suppose being with friends is nice.

Ari

And they are going to look at Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Especially as good friends as you. So I like doing that.

[9:51]

Tom (as Xoc)

I also like doing that, but I guess—

Ari (as Misha)

Did you have an activity in mind?

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, I don’t know. I was wondering if we wanted to find something to eat, but you probably don’t need to eat organic matter.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, well, you know, I do not engage—I do not need to engage in those activities, however, Simon Simon Simon Scotch has shown me some delicious—well, according to him—delicious calzunes. And I have engaged in the practice of eating them before. I have found that pretty entertaining, so I can certainly eat something if you’re hungry. It is a shame we didn’t ask Elee B. for her rat.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, in the time I’ve spent with the whole group, I found that there are sometimes better foods to eat than rat. But we can look around and find something, if you want.

Ari (as Misha)

Uh, yeah!

Tom (as Xoc)

Only if you want to though.

Ari (as Misha)

Certainly. I really cannot differentiate between flavors, so I do not know what is considered a good versus a bad culinary thing, but I will eat whatever you eat. I am certain it is going to be good if you think it is. What do you like to eat, Xoc?

Tom (as Xoc)

Hmm, umm, hmm, hmm, umm.

Tom

Datasphere, let’s just call upon my one datasphere question of the session. Uh, Datasphere, where the fuck should I eat?

Kyle

Umm…

Tom

That’s not actually how Xoc phrases his question. I just had to make the reference.

Kyle

So, [Laughter], okay, I did not expect the datasphere to appear here, so give me a moment, please.

Tom

Get into your mindset.

[Contemplative music begins.]

Kyle

So the datasphere comes down. You feel it wrap around you, as it normally does. And you hear:

Kyle (as Nano Spirits)

Xoc, we love talking to you again, but before we assist you, we have a question we would like to ask you. Would you be willing to answer one question for just lil’ old us?

Tom (as Xoc)

I see no problems with that.

Kyle (as Nano Spirits)

Okay. Are you trying to waste our time, Xoc? Because we don’t eat. So we don’t really know what kind of food is good or is bad. We can look up food, we can look up the weird food names. You know, we’ve got spicy kraut. We’ve got jerkwurst. We’ve got piPods, whatever those are. We’ve got a whole bunch of food, but we don’t know what’s good. Do you want spice? Do you want custard? Do you want mayonnaise?

Tom (as Xoc)

Are you saying that the ancients, in all of their wisdom, did not bother to record what foods were good or where they are?

Ari

[Laughter].

Kyle (as Nano Spirits)

Our ancients weren’t chefs, okay Xoc? They were a bunch of nerds that hung out in their crummy little apartment building and had takeout sushi each night.

Tom (as Xoc)

What is an apartment building?

Kyle (as Nano Spirits)

We don’t know!

Tom (as Xoc)

Ahhhh!

Tom

Okay. Xoc will close his datasphere connection. Just, to everyone else’s eyes, Xoc was staring into space for several seconds, and then just came out of it going:

Tom (as Xoc)

Ahhhhh! Oh.

Ari

Misha is going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

So, what did you find?

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, maybe we should ask the information kiosk?

Ari (as Misha)

Okay.

Kyle

Yeah, before that happens, Ari, who is doomed because she is doomed gets a GM intrusion.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

Who would you like to give the experience to?

Ari

Well, probably Xoc, because he’s right there. –

Kyle

Okay, for a moment, almost like an exorcism—

Hallie

Oh no…

Kyle

When you hear Xoc go “Ahhh!” you see a plume of smoke leave his mouth.

Hallie

Oh boy, what?

Kyle

This whole time, there seemed to be almost a little fog that was draping around Xoc, and as he screams “Ahhh!” it seems to be rising from in front of his face and drifting away, kind of like how Loell looked like a weird fog when you saw him.

Ari

Misha is going to look at Xoc pretty freaked out, and then they are going to tackle him to the ground. And then be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Xoc! Xoc! Are you okay? What is happening? Is Loell here?

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, no. No, I was just contacting the datasphere. I was just asking for a place to eat.

Ari (as Misha)

I know but I thought maybe Loell intercepted the question. Your mouth, it was foaming with smoke, and I got worried that something might have happened.

Kyle

In Misha’s defense, Loell would have been very opinionated about where you’ve got to go to get food.

Tom

And Xoc, upon hearing this will be like, holding on to his mouth, looking in like, huh? Or trying to look down at his mouth like:

Tom (as Xoc)

Huh, is something there? I think I’m fine, Misha Jarvis

Ari (as Misha)

You mean nothing is happening to you? Nothing’s—

Tom (as Xoc)

Maybe it was an effect caused by something else.

Ari

Hmm.

Ari (as Misha)

Misha is going to look around.

[15:03]

Tom (as Xoc)

But I feel fine.

Ari (as Misha)

I am glad.

Ari

And then they are going to kind of step off Xoc because they were grabbing him. And be like:

Ari (as Misha)

I do apologize for this rashness of mine.

Tom

Xoc sort of blushes as he like notices how close they were. Like doesn’t really know how to react.

Ari

Misha is going to avert their gaze a bit, and if they were human and could blush, they would blush too.

[Beeping noise.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

The area around your cheeks is very bright. And you seem very concerned about your mouth. Might I recommend a frientist? A friend who works to fix problems in your mouth?

[Western saloon style piano music begins.]

Kyle

You can see one of the information kiosks pointing and activated at you again.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, good evening. Uh, we met one of your siblings before. However, okay—

Kyle

Out of character, who is he saying that to? Me, or Xoc?

Ari

Xoc, because Xoc was peeling on his mouth.

Kyle

Okay. And then Xoc’s cheeks presumably blushed when Misha said their cheeks were blushing.

[Music picks up again.]

Ari

Okay, and the Misha is going to look at Xoc and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, see, then you’re not fine! Why is your face red?

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, uhh, human skin is weird. It does stuff like that. When people get really warm sometimes, or if you spend too much time in the sun, you can get damaged a bit. It’s fine.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Looking up information on sunburns.

[Beeping noise.]

Sunburns do not appear so symmetrical and will appear over the entire face, as does flushness from heat. Internal heat, based on somehow emotional responses and a higher palpitation of the heart—

Tom

Xoc interrupts to say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Hey Q-BO, is there food nearby? I think we should go get some food.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Of course! I can recommend any kind of food. What are you looking for?

Tom (as Xoc)

Uhhhhh, ummmm, hmm. What’s the closest food?

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beeping noise.]

The closest food would be the piPod stand. Sweet, wonderful pods that would excellently fix your heightened inner heat.

Tom (as Xoc)

Okay. Thank you.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Of course. Should I put this in your record as a preference for food?

Tom (as Xoc)

No!

Kyle

And Xoc just turns and starts walking in a direction.

Ari

Misha is going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Well perhaps we should look for places that have something cold. I don’t know if you are running a fever.

Tom (as Xoc)

I’m fine, I’m fine. Where is this piPod place?

Kyle

Um, roll me a D6, because you did not say you looked. You said you walked.

[Dice rolls.]

Tom

I got a six. Wait—sorry, let me say that again by the camera: I got a six.

Kyle

Alright, you walk exactly to it.

[Music begins.]

It looks like a fusion between, you know those stands they have at fairs where it’s like, inside of the building and they’re kind of pop-up? It’s a fusion of that and it’s kind of got a 50s diner aesthetic to it. And in like really colorful font, you can see Piper’s piPods. And it’s actually weird, because he described them as sweet, but they look almost identical to calzunes. And you see some people in those like hats they wear in 50s diners, just happy-go-lucky, their smiles look actually a little bit abnormally stretched, like they’re just trained to be like, super happy-go-lucky, and you hear some super hip jive, and it’s just a 50s diner. It’s how we remember the 50s in an alarming extent.

Tom

It’s a 50s diner, but Burgerpants.

Kyle

Yes. Yes. And it’s set up like an ice cream bar. So you’ve got this like, the outside of what would be the calzune, and then you’ve got the innards of it, you know how ice cream they have those big buckets you can pull from? Except instead of ice cream, it’s pie filling. You wouldn’t know that, but that’s what it would look like to us as 21st century folks. So it looks like a build your own calzune, with this weird, colorful supposedly sweet stuff inside of it.

Ari

Misha is just going to look at the food and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Uhh, it looks appetizing.

Ari

And give a thumbs up, in a gesture that means that they don’t actually know if it looks good or not. But they are going to just do that, hoping that it does.

Tom

Xoc also doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to contradict Misha here, so just says:

Tom (as Xoc)

Yes, I think this looks very nice. Let’s go.

Tom

And he just sort of strides up to the first employee he sees and says:

Tom (as Xoc)

Yes, hello, hi, how many monies do I spend to get a piPod?

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Um, depends. Would you—

Kyle

Sorry, I need to get my teenage voice.

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Well that depends, sir! Would you like one scoop, or our double scoop today?

Tom (as Xoc)

Uhh, double scoop. One for me and my friend, Misha Jarvis

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Would you like separate ones, or would you like to eat out of the same piPod?

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, umm, uhh—

[19:55]

Ari (as Misha)

Uh, Xoc, since I do not partake into human eating habits, I think that it would be the least wasteful if I shared only one between the two of us.

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, yes, one Pod, please.

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Alright, what flavors do you choose for your piPod?

Tom (as Xoc)

Hmm…

Ari

It’s all on Xoc, because Misha doesn’t know flavors.

Tom

Oh, alright then. Xoc would like to choose clockberries and wastefish, because he does not know any better. Those are just things that he remembered enjoying as a child probably. I’m not certain that it would translate well into a weird pie filling, but hey, it could be like a fun fruit and meat pie—um, this is a terrible piPod that’s being created. He’s making an awful desert, but we are committed.

Kyle

[Laughter]. So this kid, who at this point a couple of piece of acne have just popped during the conversation and slid down, and in fact you know how you have the hairnet, like you wear hairnets when you’re working places? He has a hairnet under his chin so that popped pimples and the profuse amount of sweat he just exudes can safely fall into the hairnet, as opposed to into the piPods.

Emily

Gross.

Kyle

And he walks over, and he says:

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Well, uh, one piPod is 315 scratch, so two piPods would be twice that, 630.

Tom

Tom looks at the scratch he has remaining, wonders how much it’s going to cost for the show that they still have to go to, decides to use the expert haggling knowledge that he did not obtain last time, and just slowly slides a pile of 242 scratch across the table to the guy and says,

Tom (as Xoc)

Here you are, thank you very much for the food.

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Uh, uh, well, okay!

Kyle

You don’t even need the roll, just:

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Okay, let me get you your straws!

Kyle

And because Roulettia is awful, instead of giving you forks or knives or anything that someone would eat a fucking calzune or pie with, he just grabs two giant straws that he sticks in each side of the calzune, and he slides it on over to you. And then run into the back door and you just hear him say:

Kyle (as piPod Employee)

Boss! It happened again!

Tom

Xoc will look at the food and back at Misha and just sort of say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, I don’t know what the ordinary customs are for eating this thing, but I think it will be fun anyways.

Ari (as Misha)

Certainly yes.

Ari

Also, I want to say like Misha is not going to address it, but I want to say that while Xoc was having this conversation with the food person, Misha is going to have looked up in the datasphere if there were any symptoms for flushed or redder cheeks than usual, because they were a little bit concerned about Xoc.

Kyle

Okay.

[MIDI version of “Seasons of Love” from RENT begins.]

You get something very weird, because you pull that up and you get a weather report talking about the climate of the Ninth World, but it’s not very clear. It’s just like in this weird poetry format. So all you get is responses like this poem about weather called Seasons of Love.

Ari

Alright. [Laughter]. That’s interesting. Misha is going to be very confused, so they are going to say the poem into the air like memory or whatever, in case it becomes important later on.

Tom

[Laughter]. Oh dear. Xoc will tentatively spear parts of the Pod with his straw.

Ari

Misha is going to do the same thing. Is there any like—are there mini spoons or something in there in addition to the straws? I’m assuming it’s kind of an ice cream type thing?

Kyle

You walk up to ask and you see them behind the counter, but the kid is still behind, talking to his boss about—and his boss being like:

Kyle (as piPod Boss)

Geri, most customers are very nice, you’ve just got to ask them to pay the full amount and let them know that it’s incorrect.

Kyle (as Geri)

I can’t ask anyone anything!

Kyle

And they’re deep in this conversation about like, just let them know they didn’t give you the full amount, it’s not that difficult. Why do we have so many Jerrys?

Hallie

I was going to mention that it’s your default name.

Kyle

Jerry is the most common name in the Ninth World, and all of them are having a tough time. Anyway, this Geri is spelled with a G and an I. Geri, so that way it can be different in the Wiki, because we all know that all the fans are going to be clamoring for Geri, the acne kid.

Tom

Eventually, Xoc will just hold up the Pod and start biting into it rather than using the straw.

[24:54]

Ari

I guess Misha is going to start trying to get at it with the straw. They’re going to take like a really quick sip of it, and then they’re going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, this is the best human food I have tasted, Xoc. You have chosen the right human food to partake on.

Tom (as Xoc)

Didn’t you say earlier that you don’t have a sense of taste, Misha Jarvis?

Ari (as Misha)

Well no, I do not, but I assume that it’s probably a very good human food, right? Is it not?

Tom

Xoc has, at this point, because he’s a very hungry, growing boy, eaten like most of the Pod without meaning to, and sort of notices this and is like:

Tom (as Xoc)

Mmm, I’m not certain that these flavors work quite as well in this meal.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh!

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s not quite the way I remember, but I’m happy we got to do this.

Ari

Misha is going to chuckle a little bit awkwardly and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, well, yes, it is true: I cannot really appreciate the differences in flavors in this. I just assumed you liked it since you seemed to eat most of it.

Ari

And internally, Misha is going to worry if this has anything to do with the potential Seasons of Love disease that Xoc may have, but is not going to say anything.

Kyle

By the way, with the Seasons of Love, your estimate is that based on his current condition and the paleness of his face, he is currently in season winter of love.

Ari

Okay, whatever that means.

Emily

So he has less than 525,600 minutes?

Ari

[Singing] Hundred minutes!

Okay, I did get the reference now.

Kyle

It is a year in the life. Actually no, no, Misha, I should specify, you can choose whether you keep this or not, but the lyrics imply that this is a terminal disease.

Hallie

Oh no.

Kyle

And that he only has a year in his life.

Ari

What? Does it actually imply that?

Kyle

No, the song is like “Here’s all the minutes and stuff that counts a year in the life.” But then they’re like “But what about love! What if we count it in love, man?” So that could be interpreted as, it’s terminal, he has a year.

Ari

Misha is going to keep this information, but they are going to be concerned about this from now on.

Tom

Xoc will just say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Maybe next time you could choose a thing and we could go do it.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, certainly. Perhaps after the show, if you are hungry again, I don’t know what the time lapse is for humans to become hungry again, I could choose a different food establishment. Otherwise, before this starts, we could just look around the town, around the place of the show, and you know, walk? I guess that’s something that humans do a lot.

Tom (as Xoc)

Yeah, I’d really like to explore this place before the show.

Ari (as Misha)

Yes, we should do that. I have seen that humans like to—when they go in pairs or small groups they like to walk. They like to sit on benches, sometimes being near water. I do not fully comprehend what that all means, but that is what I have encountered in my previous research, so if that is something that you enjoy, I would enjoy it too I suppose.

Tom

Xoc seems a little wistful for a moment—

[Wistful music begins.]

And says:

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s actually been a very long time since I’ve seen a large body of water. I grew up by the sea, and it was really pretty. You could see the waves wash over all the rusty metal scraps. And I liked to sit there and watch the tides go in and out.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I have encountered it in my research, but I have not actually seen the ocean. Is it as big as I have heard?

Tom (as Xoc)

I never explored the whole ocean, so I don’t know how big it is. My tutors always said it was, well, they gave me very specific measurements for how big it was, but sometimes it’s hard to match that to a view.

Ari

It might be that nobody really knows how far it goes.

Tom (as Xoc)

Do you like looking at things, Misha Jarvis?

Ari (as Misha)

I do. I think the world is a wonderful place, and I like to look at everything. I do like bodies of water, and I like walking through towns. Everything really is new to me in a sense, Xoc. Or at least it is new to this me. I do not know if past me has experience of all of these things previously, but I haven’t. So I always like learning new things and looking at new things.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, that just means new you gets to experience everything for the first time all over again.

Ari (as Misha)

That’s certainly a way to look at it.

Ari

And they are going to smile at Xoc.

Kyle

Okay because otherwise this is going to be the next three fucking hours—

Tom

I was about to ask.

Kyle

I think that’s a good point to segue.

Emily

[Laughter].

Hallie

You hang up! No you hang up.

Ari

Can we have a montage of us like, feeding ducks or something?

[30:00]

Hallie

Riding in a fucking gondola.

Kyle

I have an idea for that. Alright, so we’re going to flash forward a little bit, and you two have had just a grand time. You’ve been trading stories, feeding ducks. And you’re just walking around in Piper’s Pit. And actually one of you is holding one of those—a giant stuffed animal.

Ari

Yes!

Kyle

Except this kind, it’s a giant, stuffed blood barm, which is just a bunch of pillows sewn together. So which one of you is holding the giant blood barm?

Ari

Can it be Xoc?

Tom

Yes.

Ari

But I don’t know.

Tom

Yeah.

Ari

I want it to be Xoc, it sounds more adorable than—

Tom

I want this, too.

Kyle

So, somewhere along the way, Misha won this giant blood barm for Xoc, and we will let the listener’s imagine what they did to get that. And then I have actually a GM intrusion for both of you—actually no, the GM intrusion goes just for Xoc, because it is a Xoc-centric GM intrusion. Who do you want to give your other experience to, Xoc?

Tom

I would like to give my experience to Hopper Scotch, in a payment in advance for the romantic advice that Hopper is 100% going to have to give to people in upcoming sections.

Ari

One thing I want to say is that one of the reasons why they had such a great day is because Misha is worried that Xoc might not have that much longer, so when maybe they’re trying to make sure that he had a really great day.

Emily

Oh no. Oh no.

Hallie

It’s a sitcom plot!

Kyle

Anyway, so Xoc, you’re having such a great time, and you suddenly—a chill runs down your spine, and you realize, oh no, we don’t know where we are, and the show starts in five minutes!

Emily

Oh no.

Ari

I guess for that, can you segue to Misha asking:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, by the way Xoc, I do not keep track of time very well. When does the show start?

Kyle

I’d like to add a little bit of fusion of that. I’d like to believe that Xoc realized that, froze in place, and then Misha just coincidentally thought of it at the same time and was like, as Xoc is just sitting there in mortal fear is like, “Hey, when is that show starting, by the way? Do you know?”

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, umm, well Misha Jarvis, I have two pieces of bad news. The first is that it will be starting very shortly, in five minutes. And the second is that I do not know how to get to the place from where we are right now.

Ari

Misha is going to frantically look around for any of those information pod things.

Tom

Are there any good ol’ Q-BOs around?

Kyle

Um, no.

Ari

We both burned our datasphere question. Excellent. And the other idea is that I can still have that thing where I can become—

Kyle

Yeah, skilled in a task?

Ari

Yeah, so could I be specialized in knowing the geography of this place? Like, so that—knowing the streets, knowing where this theater is, just proficient in directions?

Kyle

Yeah, so Misha, it feels weird but a little more familiar this time, as information from the datasphere crackles into your head, and suddenly the landscape around you and the buildings start to fade away, and the sky above you turns into this beautiful sunny day as you see all of these folks from multiple timelines walking through this crowd.

[Static, chaotic noise emerges in the background.]

You see people looking from our modern day with like cameras, tourists with fanny packs and big, bulky cameras that they snap around. You see a bunch of people from the medieval era—

[Swords clashing.]

You see basically everyone who has lived in this town over the hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of years that it’s been in existence.

Ari

This is very overwhelming.

Kyle

And you start being able to chart some of their paths, and start being able to notice where some of them are going to and from. And all you really have to do is find the correct person to pick. So could you roll?

Ari

Oh, okay. Um.

Kyle

Well hey, you get trained. You don’t get it automatically.

Ari

Do I roll a D20?

Kyle

Yeah, D20. Do you want to put any effort into this intellect roll?

Ari

I do. I want to spend two levels of effort on my intellect roll. Let’s see.

[Dice rolling.]

I roll a seven, so spending that was probably a good idea.

Kyle

It was a very good idea. And you clearly see a plague doctor.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Kyle

Kind of hunched over and scuttling away in the distance. And you’re like, this is who I’ve got to follow.

Ari

Okay. [Laughter]. Um, so Misha is going to look at Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I know where we need to go.