• Quest Friends!

Ep. 22: Questionable Measures, Part 4

Updated: Apr 29, 2019

It's like a surprise party, if all the surprises were TERRIBLE.

Listen as our heroes:

REVIEW human anatomy!

INDULGE an inanimate object!

ABSORB a cacophony of misguided laughter!

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version)

Previously, on Quest Friends…


[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]


Kyle

You see that it’s the statue.


Hallie

No, don’t bring it in here.


Kyle

And it sits there for a moment before slowly crinkling apart and shattering. And from inside it, a small letter floats to the ground.


Kyle (as Mauve)

And I have most of the supplies, but I need this hematium.


Kyle

And she points to that red stone that’s usually used as a powder to make items float.

Xoc, you see, actually, in the advertisements, you see an advertisement for somebody called The Great Vespari, and the tagline for that says, Fake Esoteries, Real Magic.

Oh, the baby is in the carriage riding with you.


Emily

Oh, okay, [Laughter].


Kyle

And it is just sickeningly adorable. It’s just like:


Kyle (as Baby)

Wahhhh.


Emily

Elee puts on the toughest face she can, ‘cause she’s tough.


Kyle

Mauve is going to turn over and say:


Kyle (as Mauve)

Well, you’re a real natural at this, aren’t you?


Kyle

But the really curious thing about her is her hair, which is made out of these extremely long, thin strands that are tied into this giant bow on her head, and she looks up at you and she just goes:


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Mom?


[Opening theme intensifies.]


Emily

Elee freezes. She’s not sure how to react to this. Neither am I, as a player. It’s fine.


Kyle

It’s all fine.


Emily

It’s all fine.


Kyle

We’re all groovy here.


Kyle (as Radio Announcer)

We’re all groovy here on Quest Friend station.


Emily

Elee’s fine, Emily’s fine, everything is fine.


Kyle (as Radio Announcer)

In five minutes, we’ll find out who your unknown child is. Stay tuned for that. And now … Groovy and the Bits with “You’re My Dad, Yes You, Person Listening.”


Emily

[Laughing] Wait, what? That sounds really dirty.


Tom

[Sighing] Oh, why?


Emily

Anyway, anyway, so interrupting that and pretending that I didn’t hear any of that—


Kyle

Yeah, let’s—also, everything I just said just happened to play over the radio. Like you know sometimes they have radios outside of waiting areas? Yeah, that’s what’s been playing.


Emily

Well Elee’s a mess, and she’s trying to not look like a mess. Finally, she’ll manage to get out, really quietly just:


Emily (as Elee)

What?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, no, I’m-I’m-I’m sorry—


Emily

No, no, no, it’s—


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

No, I’m sorry. Um, no—


Emily (as Elee)

It’s okay, it’s okay.


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

No, that’s just what my dad said. I am, I mean, that’s what Steven said, so um—


Emily (as Elee)

I, I, logically, I am a woman, I have a u-te-rus...in which babies grow...like...plants and [sighs in exasperation].


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well, well yeah, but I’m a vocile.


Emily (as Elee)

What the heck is a vocile?


Kyle

Uh, Hop, roll me—


Emily

Elee’s a mess by now, by the way [Laughter].


Hallie

Roll me a what?


Kyle

Roll me like a knowledge or history check, like, a knowledge.


Hallie

Am I there now?


Kyle

Uh, I’m going to say you might have overheard that term.


Hallie

Well I want to add that Hop was disgusted by the bathroom and was like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t want to put on my nice, clean, new clothes here.


Hallie

But then on the way out he was like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, I’ve got fancy clothes that will remain clean in dirty situations.


Hallie

So he’ll turn right back in, and then he did end up changing into his new outfit.


Kyle

Okay, so it’s important to know that you know, both Hop and Elee had very important realizations. Elee realized she has a daughter, and Hop realized he never has to worry about cleaning his clothes again, even though, let’s be honest, he will.


Hallie

My understanding of it was that Hop would have been coming out of the bathroom when Elee was like already talking to her, so he probably would have approached at like, “I am a woman and I have a uterus,” and then like slowed down a little bit.


Emily

[Laughter].


Hallie

And then say like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?


Emily (as Elee)

Y-y-yes. No—I did not birth you! What—I?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well yeah, of course you didn’t.


Emily (as Elee)

What?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I’m a—


Kyle

How are we going to pronounce it? Let’s say “vuh-seel?” I like “vuh-seel.”


Hallie

I like vocile, that sounds cool.


Emily

Okay, so we’re going back and retroactively changing it.


Kyle

We’re going to change it to vocile.


Emily

Okay.


Emily (as Elee)

What’s a vocile? What does that mean?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I mean, we’re a Visitant. And, you know, Vocile women aren’t the ones who get pregnant.


Emily (as Elee)

But logically—


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I know, I’m sorry, I know it’s confusing. Um, I’ll just—I’m sorry.


Emily (as Elee)

No, don’t, you don’t need to leave. I’m just very confused, because I don’t remember ever having a child, and I understand that Visitants work differently. This is—can we just like, a couple deep breaths?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

[Deep breaths, which grow panicked]


Emily (as Elee)

Okay, okay, okay, it’s okay. Breathe with me.


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Okay.


[4:57]


Emily (as Elee)

In. [Breathes in.] Out. [Breathes out.] One more time. In, out. It’s okay.


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

[Breathing with her] Okay, okay.


[Wistful music begins.]


Kyle

And she picks up the photo and she says:


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well, I’m sorry for wasting your time, uh, whoever you are. Clearly you must not be my mom, you must be, be, be somebody else.


Kyle

Uh, and as she picks up the paper, you can read the back of it. And—


[Music cuts suddenly.]


Emily

It’s going to be punishing me for denying her--my child--what--nooo...


Kyle

You pick it up, and you see—


[Music resumes.]


A note. You see a heart, and inside of it you see “Elee + Dareen.” And suddenly, like three rollercoaster carts from the world’s deadliest rollercoaster, it all hits you: This vocile named Dareen, this guy, you had a one-night stand with. And he was very, very fond of you, but you weren’t that into him. Vocile, you remember a couple of things about him. You remember that he had this like long, vibrant, expressive hair that he would use to kind of sensory—it’s almost like an external nervous system that he would use to sense and feel the world around him. And you know, that’s extremely dangerous in the Ninth World, having basically your veins and your nerves on the outside, but he just loved experiencing and feeling it too much, and it was so wonderful. But also a little too lovey-dovey and sappy, and you just weren’t really into it that much. You remember him actually mentioning at one point:


Kyle (as Dareen)

Well, don’t we want to worry about pregnancy?


Kyle

And you were like:


Kyle (as Elee)

Nah, man. It’s not a problem at all.


Kyle

And suddenly you’ve realized:

I think I understand why that was a problem.


Emily

As this realization comes crashing down on her hatted head, Elee just goes:


Emily (as Elee)

Shit! Ohh. Ohhhh… Ohhhhhh. Oh.


Kyle

How is Hop feeling right now?


Hallie

He’s not feeling good about this. He feels like he walked into something maybe he shouldn’t be involved in. So he’s going to like, kind of sidle over to Elee a little bit and be like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee, do you want me to go? It feels like something very personal is happening. I don’t want to make it weirder than it already is by just—


Emily (as Elee)

You can’t make it weirder! You—[breathes heavily]—there’s no possible way to—huhhhhh I have a child. What do I do with a kid?


Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, um—hi, what’s your name?


Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Oh, um, me? Uh, my name is Soe.


Emily (as Elee)

Oh my gosh, I didn’t even ask your name! I didn’t even—I didn’t even ask your—I—Ohhhhh, I screwed it up! Like, I—she’s already past the age where you’re supposed to be able to scar them for life, but I’ve done it. This is Soe. Soe.


Kyle (as Soe)

Soe.


Emily (as Elee)

Soe.


Kyle (as Soe)

Soe.


Emily (as Elee)

That’s a really nice name.


Kyle (as Soe)

You—you—thanks.


Hallie (as Hopper)

So uh, uh, Soe—Elee’s great! You should go, uh, talk somewhere.


Emily (as Elee)

Elee is going to shoot daggers and glare at Hop.


Hallie

I’m going to literally like—


Emily

D-d-d-don-don’t you dare leave!


Hallie

Because he thinks he’s helping this!


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m just going to go like wait over there and let you sort this out. Uh, it’s nice to meet you Soe, Elee is great!


Hallie

And then he’ll just leave. Not far away. Like, a distance where he can’t really hear what they’re saying, to give them privacy. But he’s just going to like, step out of this and let them—


Emily

As he leaves, Elee is just going to be like:


Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] Hop! Hop! No, get—get back here! Don’t leave me!


Hallie (as Hopper)

[Whispering] Do you want me to stay?


Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] I don’t know!


Hallie (as Hopper)

[Whispering] Because I will, but I feel like I’m making it worse!


Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] Fine! I don’t know, I don’t want to make it worse. Can I make this worse?


Hallie

[Whispering] I don’t know.


Emily (as Elee)


[Pause]


Oh, shit! We have other kids.


Hallie

[Laughing]


Emily (as Elee)

We just sent Xoc and Misha off on their own in Roulettia! Oh!


Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh god, we did. Oh. And we don’t have the psychic link like they do.


Hallie

Hopper’s just considering the repercussions of sending Xoc and Misha alone without a tether between the groups and goes:


Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, mmm…


Emily (as Elee)

Okay, yeah, never mind, yeah. Leave. Go, stand over there, and figure out how to fix that part, and I’ll fix this part, and—


Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I-I don’t know if it can be fixed. I mean, we’re going to meet up—


Emily (as Elee)

Which part? Like, both parts?


Hallie (as Hopper)

Both parts, I don’t know?


Tom

[Laughter].


Hallie (as Hopper)

Soe, I’m, I’m, I’m—so what brings you to Roulettia?


[9:56]


Kyle (as Soe)

Well I heard there were, uh, there were truthtellers and people who could see the future here. So I found Steven, and he was the one who was able to get me to find you here.


Emily (as Elee)

You’ve been looking for me?


Kyle (as Soe)

Well after, well yeah, after my dad died I didn’t quite know where to go.


Emily (as Elee)

[Groans.] You wasted time...looking for me? [Distressed noise]


Kyle (as Soe)

Well I didn’t think it was wasted time.


Emily (as Elee)

I’ve already screwed it up. I’m sorry. I’m Elee.


Kyle (as Soe)

Well-well, so should I call you Elee or should I call you mom? I’m confused.


Emily (as Elee)

What do you want to call me?


Kyle (as Soe)

I don’t know, uhh—


Emily (as Elee)

So you do want to call me mom?


Kyle (as Soe)

Well, maybe. No, um, well—


Emily (as Elee)

So yes?


Kyle (as Soe)

Maybe—


Emily (as Elee)

Y-you can--


Kyle (as Soe)

wh—why don’t I take you to visit Steven? He should know—he would know what we should call you.


Emily (as Elee)

Okay.


Kyle (as Soe)

O-okay.


Kyle

And she immediately darts her head to the side and starts like walking with her arms stiff, off away from the rollercoaster.


Emily

Elee is going to like, shoot a kind of panicked glance at Hop and like, start walking after her like:


Emily (as Elee)

[Makes noise to draw Hop’s attention.]


Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright, let’s go visit Steven.


Emily (as Elee)

Okay.


Kyle

So you’re coming along?


Hallie

I guess! I don’t know! Hopper doesn’t know what to do! He’s just wavering between like, leaving and staying. He doesn’t know what would be better. I guess, like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

Do you want me to come see Steven, or do you want me to just meet up with you later?


Emily (as Elee)

Sure. I don’t know—yeah, just come to see Steven.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Are you okay?


Emily (as Elee)

[Sighs] No!


Hallie (as Hopper)

I mean, I know the answer is no, but-but-but, I mean like—


Emily (as Elee)

[Abruptly] I don’t want to talk about it.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay. Okay. I’ll come with you, and I will just wait outside if you want me to. But I’ll be nearby, in case you do need me.


Emily (as Elee)

I mean, you should probably come inside. You’re going to get mugged.


[Comedic, fast-paced music begins.]


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m not going to get mugged.


Emily (as Elee)

This is really sketchy Hopper, have you looked around?


Hallie (as Hopper)

Well yeah, I mean—but—


Emily (as Elee)

This is the kind of place I spend time in, not you.


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m not going to get mugged.


Emily (as Elee)

I’m not going to get mugged. You’re going to get mugged.


Kyle

And I as, I guess as just a little naggling part of me in the back of your brain want to interrupt for a second and let you know that as you’ve been debating who would and wouldn’t get mugged in Roulettia, Soe is almost completely out of view at this point.


Hallie

Oh, mmm, okay.


Kyle

That was just my way of transitioning out of your “I wouldn’t get mugged” conversation.


Hallie

Well it was more like a sullen like, I’m not going to get mugged.


Emily

And mine was like, sweetie, yes you would.


Hallie

No. I mean, Hopper just wants to get outside to prove that he wouldn’t get mugged.


Kyle

[Laughter].


Emily

I would not if I were Hopper.


Hallie

You’re not Hopper, you’re Elee.


Emily

Yeah, and I don’t get mugged, ‘cause I’m tough.


Kyle

Oh, hey look guys, we’re in the Land of Tomorrow. Guess we should transition to that scene.


Hallie

Let’s just transition. We’ll let Elee and Hop bicker slightly along the way.


[Chaotic music resumes.]


Kyle

So you followed Soe into the last main location of Roulettia, the Land of Tomorrow. And it certainly looks like tomorrow there is going to be a tornado, because it is just a horrendous mess of weird buildings that are propped up on their side. You’ve got pop-up tents, so many pop-up gambling games, and they literally pop up and pop down. Like people come, lose all their money, and them immediately shut down and run away. And in fact, one guy has just adopted this, and he just has like a poker table strapped to his chest, just walking around playing games. You know those things you ride on that everyone pedals and it’s like a trolley and they drink beer?


Hallie

Yeah.


Kyle

It’s like that, but with some sort of gambling game. And it seems that every time somebody loses, they get jettisoned out of their seats and just fall into the dirt on the side. So you walk through all of this, and you notice that Soe is being very careful to stay near the walls, and she always keeps her back so that she can see her eyes everywhere around, like this trolley, she actually stands right next to it so that no one can really get her on that side. And eventually she leads you to what just kind of looks like an RV, and it has a metallic hang-glider resting on the top, as if the whole thing was a very, very poorly thought out airplane. And Soe turns around and says:


Kyle (as Soe)

I have to go in for a moment, and I’ll get you when they’re ready.


Kyle

And she knocks on the door, and you hear a old, coarse woman say:


Kyle (as Old Woman)

What do you want? Scratch, or get out!


Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, June, it’s Soe.


Kyle

And the voice immediately turns to what is trying to be gentler. It’s like:


Kyle (as June)

Oh! Soe, welcome home!


Kyle

And she just pulls it open.


Kyle (as June)

Did you find her today?


Kyle

And Soe just turns back and she’s like:


Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, I—I think so.


[14:58]


Kyle

And June’s face just like, you can almost see her jaw drop and she’s like:


Kyle (as June)

Well, let’s get that bucket of bolts, then.


Kyle

And they both walk inside. And the door is open a little bit, and Soe just turns back and she’s like:


Kyle (as Soe)

You can--you can come in, if you want.


Emily (as Elee)

I’m going to awkwardly but fairly quickly go in. like, I’m curious at this point.


Kyle

Okay. Hop, what are you doing?


Hallie

Oh, Hopper doesn’t know.


Emily

Elee is going to beckon to Hop to come with.

Hallie

Okay, if he’s being beckoned, he’ll go in.


Kyle

Okay. Hop walks up and he takes a couple of steps. And suddenly—


[Eerie, dramatic music cuts in.]


—you hear a voice shout out:


Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hop Scotch! Hop Scotch!


Hallie

He’ll turn around to that, suspiciously.


Kyle

And you can see one of the gambling games. A guy is shouting out:


Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hop Scotch!


Kyle

And his gaze meets yours for a second. And almost challengingly he says:


Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hopper Scotch?


Hallie (as Hopper)

You talking to me?


Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hopscotch! Anyone wanna play hopscotch over here?


Hallie

Can I roll like a perception check to see if I should know this person?


Kyle

Yeah.


Hallie

Okay.


[Dice rolling.]


Hallie

11.


Kyle

You do not know this man.


Hallie

Okay.


Kyle

But he knows you.


Hallie

I’ll take one further glance back, and then go into the caravan with Elee.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee, Elee! Is hopscotch a real game? I’ve only read about it in weird, old history books.


Emily (as Elee)

Yes, and I’ve almost died doing it twice. So I’d like—I know that there’s like that kind of, you know, like man-pride or whatever, where you’re like, oh, this male has challenged me with his gaze, but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.


Kyle

Yeah. You walk inside. You can see, it’s a very small like kind of living space, everything is really cramped together. There’s like a little model airship that Soe seems to have been working on, and Soe is in the back, and you can hear her kind of rustling with some things behind like a door in the back of this kind of camper. And the woman who is named June just turns over at you and says:


Kyle (as June)

So how much do I have to pay for you not to scam her?


Emily (as Elee)

Not to scam her?


Kyle (as June)

This poor girl has been looking for her mother for months now, and we’ve already been burned a couple of times. I’m not going to let it happen again.


Emily (as Elee)

I’m not looking for—I don’t want your money. I’m just trying to figure out—I—I--am—her actual, non-scammer mom.


Kyle

Her arms are still crossed, but she looks a little surprised. She’s like:


Kyle (as June)

Well, I can see you’ve got some pretty coarse metal in your bones there, and I just need you to know one thing: If you’re lying to me, if you’re going to hurt this girl, that ain’t going to be nothing when I tear you apart. But if you’re not, well, welcome to the family.


Kyle

And she turns over to Hop, and she says:


Kyle (as June)

So what’s your deal, skinny?


Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t really know. I’m Elee’s friend! I just got kind of caught up in the whole thing. I can really leave if that’s—if this is weird that I’m here. I’m just trying to be supportive.


Kyle (as June)

We’re in Roulettia, honey. Everything’s weird down here.


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m getting that impression.


Emily (as Elee)

Tell him that if he stands outside, he’s going to get mugged.


Kyle (as June)

Really, I’m thinking killed, more like.


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m just saying that I’m willing to take those chances if you don’t want me here.


Kyle (as June)

I mean, it’s your life, son.


Hallie

He’s going to look at Elee at that.


Emily (as Elee)

Just stay here. It’s fine.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay.


Emily (as Elee)

Look, if they don’t want—you know, being in the conversation, you can go stand in the corner and cover your ears. You’re not taking up that much space.


Hallie (as Hopper)

I will do that if that is what you want me to do.


Emily (as Elee)

I don’t care.


Hallie

Yeah, he was addressing the “you” to them.


Kyle

Um, June doesn’t respond, because as she says that, the door opens and you hear this like, rattling of a cart, as what looks like—


[Mysterious music begins.]


—one of those magicians in a box comes out, except he’s just a skeleton. It’s just a skeleton who is like, the top part of the head is kind of chopped off. And Soe says:


Kyle (as Soe)

Here’s Steven! I found him on my way to Roulettia, and he’s been leading me the whole way.


Kyle

And Steven, like, when she moves him, the head rattles a lot. And it feels like things are rattling inside of it. But then when she stops, it just doesn’t move. It’s just motionless.


Emily

I’m going to eye Hop and be like:


Emily (as Elee)

[Under her breath] Do you want to say something?


Hallie

And then after Elee and Hop kind of look at each other, he’ll just go:


Hallie (as Hopper)

[Uncertainly] Hello...Steven.


Kyle (as Soe)

Oh-oh, no, Steven—it has to be—


Kyle

And you see June roll her eyes, and she’s like:


Kyle (as June)

It has to be a question. That’s how the toy works.


Emily (as Elee)

What are we asking Steven again?


Kyle (as June)

I’m just as lost as you, to be honest.


Emily (as Elee)

Soe?


Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah?


Emily (as Elee)

What are we asking Steven?


Kyle (as Soe)

Whatever we want.


Emily (as Elee)

What do you want me to ask him?


Kyle (as Soe)

Um, I don’t know. Should I call you mom?


Emily (as Elee)

[Apprehensively]: Okay.


[19:56]


Emily

And then, she’s still feeling kind of flustered, so at first she’s kind of like:


Emily (as Elee)

Should I call her mom? Wait, wait no--no, should she call me mom?


Kyle

And nothing happens. And after a second, June elbows you, and she points to a coin slot on Steven’s case. And you can tell you need to stick in one shin for a question.


Emily

One shin for every question? I have two shins, no, three shins left. So I’m going to use a shin, and I’m going to sigh, put it in the slot:


Emily (as Elee)