Ep. 27: Questionable Measures, Part 9
Updated: Apr 29, 2019
Today's episode is like a rollercoaster: lots of ups, lots of downs, and lots of opportunities to feel sick to your stomach.
Listen as our heroes:
INVOKE their deity over a dozen times!
LEARN how to physics!
LIE, lie, lie!
Content Warnings: Implied graphic violence, loud volume (44:15)
TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version)
Kyle
Hey, it’s Kyle, your GM. Just here for a couple of content warnings. Because things get a bit hairy in today’s episode, and even though there isn’t any actual gore, there is a little bit of implied gore, and I thought that might be worth mentioning. There’s also going to be a couple of sections that are going to be pretty difficult on folks who have really sensitive hearing, and so if that’s the case and you get to one of those points and you realize it’s just too much to handle, remember that we have episode summaries on questfriendspodcast.com. Other than that, I hope you really enjoy the episode, which we’re going to play … now.
Previously, on Quest Friends…
[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
Kyle (as turnstile attendant)
Well in that case, you’re going to want one of our EZ-Life brands. It doesn’t cheat death. You know, if you die by old age, you can’t come back, and if you use it too many times you’re just going to be too tired out to keep using it.
Hallie
I’m going for the guy. I’m, like, going to, like, grab him by the shirt.
Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)
Um, I would appreciate that, otherwise the boss is going to be very upset.
Hallie (as Hopper)
And the boss is Fancy Tom? Like, that Fancy Tom? Tommy Funbuck?
Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)
Hey, it’s me, Tommy Funbuck! Hope you have fun in my casino. Check out the hotel. And win some cash, cash, cash.
Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)
W-w-well yes, Fancy Tom wears a hat just like that, sir.
Kyle
Although the seafarer does take a grimy top hat from the pile and loudly proclaims:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Look at me, I’m Fancy Tom!
Hallie (as Hopper)
Okay. Why do you need to go to the rollercoaster?
Emily
Elee’s just taking a moment to watch the rollercoaster, thinking about as a normal human how likely Hop would be to survive because she can probably muscle him into it if she really wanted.
Kyle
Actually no, Hallie roll me a D20.
Emily
[Laughter.]
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
A two.
[Theme intensifies.]
Kyle
Alright, so you’re walking. You’re making your way, you’re dragging this guy.
Hallie
And as we started out, Imma be like, this better be good. Like, this better be good.
Kyle
Yeah, you’re dragging this, and you have some time if you want to look at any of the other documents you picked up.
Ari
Yes. I want to see if Tommy Funbuck is part of the Jagged Dream, because that thug that said that Tommy Funbuck was his boss had a Jagged Dream tattoo, so I want to see if they’re two separate things or if Tommy Funbuck is actually part of the Jagged Dream and we have reduced our suspect list.
[Mysterious, ominous music begins.]
Kyle
You take a look at it, and you see another dossier on Tommy Funbuck. Except this one includes like, toenail clippings and a waft of armpit.
Ari
[Very Quietly] Okay...
Tom
Why are you the way that you are, Kyle?
Kyle
I don’t know. It includes another very creepy dossier, but it looks like the Jagged Dream is investigating Tommy Funbuck.
Ari
Ohh.
Kyle
So all signs point to no.
Ari
Ohh.
Hallie
Okay.
Ari
So now—this is not my question, but I am wondering now if this one dude is, I don’t know, if he’s actually just spying on Tommy Funbuck and he’s not actually, yeah.
Kyle
Alright. So, you make your way to the rollercoaster. And, give me a roll to see if you make it through all the traps.
Hallie
Oh god.
Ari
Okay.
Kyle
Because as we mentioned earlier, a few episodes ago, there are a bunch of like darts and traps and death traps on your way there.
Hallie
Yeah.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Hop rolled a seven, which is exactly what he rolled the other time.
[Die rolls.]
Ari
Ooh, what? I am not making this up, I rolled another 19.
Tom and Hallie
Ooh!
Kyle
So Hop, you’re going to take a number of points equal to how many less than 10 you rolled. So you’re going to have to take three might damage. As you just like, a couple of darts just stick themselves in your neck.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
And they have like a little bit of poison.
Hallie
He’s still like dragging the other guy, like he doesn’t want to let him go, so he’s just like, with one hand doing this while trying not to loosen his grip.
Kyle
Okay, and the other guy is fine.
Hallie
G-great. Good for him!
Kyle
And so you make your way, and from a distance you start hearing this ranting voice.
[Ominous music begins]
Kyle (as ranting voice)
Where is the other one there? Where is Osh? How is he not back yet? This is ridiculous.
Hallie
I’m going to turn to knife guy.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Is that you? Is that you they’re expecting?
Kyle (as Osh)
Yup, that’s me!
Hallie (as Hopper)
Alright.
Kyle (as ranting voice)
I need those documents! I shouldn’t have left them there in the first place! And all I got out of this was this lousy blueprint! Dah!
Hallie
So we’re approaching them now, right?
Kyle
Yeah. You can turn. You can’t quite see them yet. Are you going to walk up the steps to confront them, or are you going to wait to the side a little bit?
Hallie
I guess waiting to the side is the more prudent plan.
Kyle
Okay. So he’s just going to keep talking a little bit. He’s going to say a lot of mean things about Osh, who is the knife-head guy that you’re hanging out with.
Kyle (as ranting voice)
I’m just so frustrated that I went to the trouble of finding Hop Scotch’s room and he has nothing for me besides this bloody blueprint and this horrible packet, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m expected to do!
Kyle
And he’s just going to rant a little bit. And you see the guy that you’re holding, he’s like:
Kyle (as Osh)
B-b-b-b-b-b... [Stammering]
Kyle
And he’s trying to get out the word “Boss.”
Hallie
Okay, so are they coming around a corner?
Kyle
Uh no, he’s, so you know that little waiting area before a rollercoaster? That little platform?
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle
They’re inside that platform. You’re kind of like, right outside the steps.
[4:57]
Hallie
Okay. Are they exiting at all? Are they moving towards us? Or are they just hanging out and we’re just listening?
Kyle
They’re just hanging out there. It seems like everyone went to the parade, so it’s pretty dead.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
So they’re like, oh, this is a great place to hang out, especially because there are so many labyrinths and ways to go around.
Hallie
Okay. Then I’m just going to take the direct approach, I guess. I’m going to look at Misha and try to do a “you ready?” expression.
Ari
Misha is going to nod and say:
Ari (as Misha)
Let’s do this, partner!
Hallie (as Hopper)
Let’s do it!
Hallie
And then he’s going to drag Osh up with him.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Osh doesn’t have the stuff you want! I have the stuff you want! I’m going to keep it, and I also want the things that you took back!
[Upbeat, action-heavy rock music begins.]
Kyle
So you see two mooks.
Hallie
Two mooks. Tooks.
Kyle
On each side of this man in really fancy dressing, who is dressed a lot fancier he should be in this really ratty top hat. And he turns around and he has a bag of time crisps, and he starts munching them.
Hallie
No!
Kyle
And as he does, you see this top hat start to adjust on his face, which has a single eye patch. So it seems like every time he eats the crisps he’s just adjusting his hat.
Ari
Oh my god.
Hallie
This asshole.
Kyle
And he says:
Kyle (as ranting voice)
Well, well, well! Look who we have here again! Time for round two?
Kyle
And you don’t see Tommy Funbuck, but you see the man you fought in Charmonde, known only as Fancy Tom.
Ari
Fancy Tom?
Hallie
He’s the man Misha like, hit in the face with a rock!
Kyle
Hit in the eye with a rock! And he has covered that eye with an eye patch.
Hallie
And now he has an eye patch! I love it!
Ari
Consequences! Oh my God!
Hallie
What a petty villain!
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Come here to take my other eye?
Kyle
Uh, and one of the guys is like:
Kyle (as one of the mooks)
Boss, we told you, it’s perfectly fine. It’s just a little bit red.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
No it’s not, Daryl! Well, well, well: looks like I have what you want. And you also have what I want, so we’re basically even.
Hallie
Hopper will cross his arms and be like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
It appears we’re at an impasse.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Well, I suppose there’s four of us and two of you. So, I mean, just give it to us and we should be good.
Hallie (as Hopper)
We were outnumbered on the boat, too.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
No, no, there were three of us and four of you. No, five of you! There were three of us and five of you! So it’s like the same situation, but reversed? So no, we have the numbers now! So I would very much like my papers, please.
Hallie (as Hopper)
I remembered that wrong, but it doesn’t matter. We’re not afraid of you, and I want the stuff.
Kyle
And one of the people is going to turn over to Fancy Tom:
Kyle (as Daryl)
Wait, can we pause for a moment? Hi. I’m Daryl. Why--isn’t he our boss? Why are we fighting with him?
Kyle
And Fancy Tom turns over and says:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
No, you don’t understand. That’s very--that’s not what I meant by Hop Scotch, okay?
Hallie (as Hopper)
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no: Keep talking, Daryl. I’m your boss?
Kyle
And Daryl just looks between you and between Fancy Tom who’s giving him angry eyes.
Kyle (as Daryl)
Well that document, like, you looked at it and you immediately said “Hop Scotch.” So isn’t that--isn’t that the boss?
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
I told you again, Daryl. No, the boss, that’s a different person, it’s a different thing, Daryl. Can we have this conversation once we’ve gathered the documents?
Hallie (as Hopper)
I don’t know, Fancy Tom. It kind of sounds like Daryl’s right, and I’m your boss.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You are not, that is not the case!
Kyle
And I want you to roll persuasion.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
A three!
All
[Laughter.]
Ari
You have XP.
Tom
If only there was a resource that you had copious amounts of.
Hallie
I’d like to use my copious amounts of XP to re-roll.
Kyle
Fun fact to remember: Do I need to send you a list? Because you can do extreme things with more than one XP.
Hallie
I know. No, I have the Google Doc. I just forget to open it.
Kyle
Like, two is an insta-success.
Hallie
I’d like to use two for an insta-success.
Kyle
Okay, so how are you going to convince Daryl?
Hallie
At great personal cost, Hopper will be like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
I’m pretty close with the woman who runs this town.
[Rolls die.]
Hallie (as Hopper)
You could say we’re friends!
Kyle (as Daryl)
Oh, we’re working for Lorraine Stiles, too? Woah, everything’s changing.
Kyle
And Fancy Tom just has his head in his hands.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Alright, well, Julia, you at least side with me there.
Kyle
And you see the other mook on his right, a woman, she’s just shrugging her shoulders.
Kyle (as Julia)
Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on at this point.
Kyle
And Daryl turns over and says:
Kyle (as Daryl)
Oh, well, I’m pretty sure that guy is our actual boss.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Look, I’m just saying that if I’m your boss, which I am, you should report everything that you know to me. Such as, why you have those blueprints and the packet that has my name on it.
Kyle (as Daryl)
Uh, well, why do we have that, second boss?
Kyle
Fancy Tom’s like:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
I’m not going to explain it to you rubes! We just need that file from Hop! Alright? Just go over and take it.
Hallie
Hopper sticks it in his pocket.
Kyle (as Daryl)
Well, it’s--it’s in his pocket now.
Kyle (as Julia)
Yeah, I mean, it’s in his pocket, we can’t take it from there.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
[Exasperatedly] Just take the damn documents!
Ari
I want to try and threaten him, then. So can Misha in the background have grabbed a rock and be like:
[10:05]
Ari (as Misha)
Excuse me, look, Fancy Tom, I am not prone to harming you humans, but you have seen what happens when I hold small objects like this. So if you do not provide the information that we need, it might be the case that this rock might slip and hit your other eye.
All
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Um, roll me an intimidation.
Ari
This is going to go super poorly.
[Dice roll.]
Ari
Seven.
Kyle
Alright. He’s going to start walking backwards.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
[Fearfully] W-what, hey-hey-hey, hey! What’s the big idea here? Alright? I’m—we--we--we can all be friends. We can talk about things. Uh, you don’t need to throw that rock at me.
[Frantic, carnival-esque music begins.]
Kyle
And he starts backpedaling, closer and closer to the rollercoaster tracks.
Ari
Oh, no!
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
You know what, no, we shouldn’t talk about this. In fact, maybe I should just go.
Hallie
No!
Kyle
And as he says that, he falls back into one of the rollercoaster carts that flies by, and his cart is just off, on the tracks.
[Dice roll.]
Hallie
Alright, we’re riding the rollercoaster.
Ari
Fourteen.
Hallie
Eleven.
Kyle
Okay, so his cart is going off. Ari, you are first in the order. What do you want to do?
Ari
Ohh, well, can I just try and get into the—so he grabbed himself to a cart, and then can I use it so that like, I jumped into that same cart with him?
Kyle
Yeah, I’m going to say you can jump into it, because you’re right next to him. So you jump into the cart right next to him and then what do you do?
Ari
Yeah, Misha’s going to say:
Ari (as Misha)
It seems you cannot escape us, so it is better that you just give us the information that we want to know.
Kyle
Okay, give me a roll for that intimidation. You’re giving a second shot.
[Dice roll.]
Ari
Uh, nineteen. I swear to God.
Kyle
What’s the minor effect you want to happen? I’m going to say you’re intimidating him so that his next turn he doesn’t do anything, so what do you want your minor effect to be?
Ari
I don’t know, can it just be that like since I was talking intimidating, can it be that he’s actually afraid of the tiny rock that Misha is holding?
Kyle
Yeah. He’s going to be like:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
[Stammering in fear.]
Kyle
And he’s going to walk back a little bit, and he’s going to hit his head on the front of the rollercoaster, and he’s going to take two points of might damage.
Ari
Excellent.
Kyle
Okay, Hop. It is you, what are you going to do?
Hallie
Right. Well, I want to run to it, I would like to try to parkour my way up this rollercoaster into that car.
Kyle
Alright, give me a roll for that.
Hallie
I am now skilled in parkour by the way.
[Dice rolling.]
Hallie
Seventeen.
Ari
Damn!
Kyle
Alright, how do you get yourself into this rollercoaster, as the last cart is barely leaving as soon as you get on to it.
Hallie
Oh god, I don’t even know. Alright. So I would like to grab onto the cart as it’s leaving, and then use that momentum to swing myself forward on to the front of the cart. And then is there an ascent right away?
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
On the ascent, I am going to jump to the back of that car and then do, like, a backflip in, because I can.
Kyle
Alright, and then what is your action? Because that’s just your movement.
Hallie
That’s just my movement! Um, I want to just try to grab fancy Tom by the scruff, but hold him backwards. Not like, off the roller coaster, but like, we’re going up, so that we’re not facing the direction that’s up. He would be facing the direction that’s up.
Kyle
Okay. Give me a roll.
[Dice rolling.]
Hallie
Another seventeen.
Ari
Hmm.
Kyle
Alright. You go and lift him there, and he looks like he is going to talk on his turn. And a whole bunch of things happen.
Hallie
Oh no.
Kyle
Because you’re on this rollercoaster. You’re going up, and you’ve almost hit the peak. And you’re feeling great. And then you remember, you feel something that Elee knew a few episodes ago, which is that you could last maybe two minutes on this rollercoaster.
Hallie
[Laughter] Oh, that’s right.
Kyle
And we’re about—I’m not going to say every round is seven seconds, so I’m going to say we’re 15 seconds—no, I’m going to say we’re 30 seconds into those two minutes.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
So while Tommy has a turn, before his turn starts, it’s the rollercoaster’s turn.
Hallie
[Laughter] No!
Ari
Oh, god.
Kyle
And I need you, Hop, to roll strength to make sure you don’t let go of Fancy Tom.
Emily
No!
Kyle
As you start careening down the incline.
[Dice rolling.]
Hallie
Twelve.
Kyle
You … let go.
Hallie
No!
Ari
Fuck.
Kyle
And he flies back into the last car of the rollercoaster, and is dangling on.
Hallie
No!
Kyle
And you hear him just go, faintly:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
[Distantly] What’s the big idea!
Hallie
God, you’re the worst.
Kyle
And then Misha, I have a GM intrusion for you.
Ari
Oh, God why?
Kyle
Who do you give your other experience point to?
Ari
Um, I’m going to give it to Elee because she didn’t lie, Xoc.
All
[Laughter.]
Tom
Okay, I deserve that.
Kyle
So, as you go down, you hear behind you two voices go:
[Cowabunga surf music begins.]
Kyle (as two voices)
Wooaaaaah!
Kyle
And you see, in the cart behind you, two young individuals wearing all-purpose leather coveralls, come like, with their arms up, and they’re super excited. One of them, half of her head is partially shaved off.
Ari
Ooh.
[15:10]
Kyle
And the other one is just this very round-faced young guy. He’s probably like, in his teens. And they’re like:
Kyle (as round-faced teen)
Woah! Man, this is so awesome! Man, I love this!
Hallie
Have they been on the rollercoaster the whole time?
Kyle
They have.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
And they’re like:
Kyle (as round-faced teen)
Dude, isn’t this—
Kyle
They turn over to you, Misha:
Kyle (as round-faced teen)
Dude, isn’t this the best?
Ari
Misha’s going to look at them:
Ari (as Misha)
Oh, uh, salutations, sudden humans, I believe this is potentially fun, yes!
Kyle (as round-faced teen)
Hell yeah, it’s fun! It’s the most cool thing outside of our home base. The base of the Speedy Speed Boys!
Kyle
And you see them make this super cool motion, and they start going through this little monologue. And the one with the shaved head says:
Kyle (as shaved-head teen)
I’m Viv!
Kyle
And the one, the round-faced one says:
Kyle (as round-faced teen)
And I’m Baby Jason!
Kyle (as Viv and Baby Jason, together)
And we are the Speedy Speed Boys, on vacation!
Kyle
And Viv is like:
Kyle (as Viv)
Yeah, no, the boss was totally right in that this was the coolest place to go. It’s totally dangerous and tubular, but also because of the EZ-Life brands—
Kyle
And they both show off their hands, and you can see these brightly multi-colored bands—
Kyle (as Viv)
The safest place around!
Hallie
I love it!
Kyle
And Baby Jason is like:
Kyle (as Baby Jason)
Yeah! We’ve died so many times and we’ve come back with absolutely no side-effects!
Kyle
And at that point, their eyes glaze back, and both of them fall to the ground unconscious.
Hallie
No! Nooo!
Ari
Noooooooo!
Kyle
And that is your intrusion!
Emily
Noooo!
Hallie
Noooo!
Ari
Noooo!
Tom
Oh, no!
Hallie
Are they dead? For realsies?
Kyle
No, they’re not dead. They’re just unconscious. They’re very woozy. They need a lot of rest.
Hallie
[Distressed] Thank God!
Kyle
But they’ve been going on this rollercoaster non-stop.
Ari
And Tommy Funbuck—oh sorry, not Tommy Funbuck--Fancy Tom is like, all the way in the back of the same cart, right?
Kyle
Yeah, he is a few carts back, they’re directly behind you.
Ari
Oh boy.
Kyle
It is now Fancy Tom’s turn. And he’s still terrified. So I said he was going to spew things, so he still is.
Ari
Oh my God.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
I just heard a tip that your room was going to have all the information I would need to do to perform a mild heist, so I just thought I’d go in and get some information myself.
Ari (as Misha)
A heist? Please elaborate.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Absolutely! But could you please [suddenly yelling] helllllp first!
Kyle
And you can see his hands start to slip. And so it is your full turn, Misha.
[Manic, acoustic guitar-driven music begins.]
Here is the situation. Hop is in front. He is fine. In the second cart are two unconscious members of...a gang? I guess, called the Speedy Speed Boys. And then, five carts, hanging on for dear life, is Fancy Tom. And right now, it looks like the rollercoaster next turn is going to start sliding horizontally on the wall of Roulettia itself.
Ari
Okay.
Kyle
So that’s the situation.
Ari
Oh, I want—god, I guess I wish there was a way that I could pull him in. But I’m thinking, one thing that I can do is, I mean, I have my scarf. It’s like, semi-long. Can I just toss part of the scarf and use it like a rope and tell the scarf to help?
Kyle
Uh, yeah, you probably have to get back to the third cart.
Ari
Okay. I--then I guess my action will be trying to go to the third card.
Kyle
So you go to the third cart, and you whip out, and I want you to roll like, I guess speed to make sure it gets to a position where Fancy Tom can grab it.
Ari
Yes. I want to spend one level of effort for that. Let’s do this!
[Dice rolling.]
A twenty! I promise! I don’t know! I promise I’m not making these rolls up!
Hallie
Ohhhh!
Kyle
Alright, so Fancy Tom is going to make his way successfully onto the rollercoaster, but what else do you want to do?
Ari
Um, I want—okay, he’s going to make his way, I want to somehow find a way of protecting the Speedy Speed Boys so that they don’t fling out of the cart.
Kyle
Yeah. So you grab it and you fling him back into cart number two, and the scarf automatically wraps itself around the wall of the cart and around him and the two Speedy Speed Boys.
Hallie
Aww.
Ari
Aw, look at it! Look at my scarf! Oh.
Hallie
Look at your little like nest of people there!
Kyle
They’re all safe and concerned—and, and in good shape. So now Hop, it is your turn.
Hallie
Okay. Well, I guess Fancy Tom is now fine, right?
Kyle
Yeah, he’s fine. But you do have a horizontal thing that you and Misha have to deal with. So you can either—
Hallie
Oh, we have to deal with it. Okay.
Kyle
Yeah, you’re going to have to deal with it regardless for yourselves.
Hallie
Right, right, right. Okay. Um, when we looked through Mako’s, like, the basement part of his wagon boat, the cypher that I took was a Gendarme vest, where only one of the things was working. Can I use that?
Kyle
How?
Hallie
I don’t know. Well, you can use it like, to Spider-Man swing. So could I use it to just attach it, and then attach the vest, and then that way I’ll swing back into the cart after?
[20:00]
Kyle
Okay. The rollercoaster is coming up, and it’s turning to its side, and everyone is fine, except for Misha. So Misha, how are you going to deal with the fact that you could fling off?
Hallie
Hopper is like, offering his hand, by the way.
Ari
Yeah, I would grab it while not letting go of the scarf.
Kyle
Okay, each of you roll, and I’ll take whatever the best one is.
Hallie
They can just hold on to each other.
[Dice rolling.]
Hallie
Seventeen!
Kyle
Alright. So Hop, you go and you grab Misha, and describe how you, like, fly out of the cart and then Spider-Man your way back.
Hallie
Okay. I guess the only way to do it is to hold Misha like, on the side, like Spider-Man/M.J. style, that’s just the best way to do it. And as it turns sideways, I assume that the thing is kind of like a dog leash where you can retract it a certain distance and then let it go longer if you want, and then pull it back in. So he’s not making it go longer, he’s making it go pretty short so they don’t get too distant from the cart. So they’ll just dangle—it’s boring, but it’s practical. So he’ll just hang out a little bit.
Kyle
Alright, so you go—you successfully go, but during that time, the scarf wiggles a little bit.
Ari
No.
Kyle
And you turn over and you see—the next part of the track is just made out of grass. Inexplicably, grass weaved together. And Fancy Tom starts freaking out. He’s like:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Oh no, oh no! I’m allergic to grass!
Ari
What?
Kyle
And he starts trying to wiggle his way out of it. And he accidentally wiggles him and the two Speedy Speed Boys off the side of the roller coaster.
Hallie
No!
Tom
Nooo.
Kyle
And so it starts to unroll. So the Speedy Speed Boys are now stuck in the scarf. The scarf is attached to the side of the rollercoaster, and Fancy Tom is holding onto the bottom of the Speedy Speed Boys.
Ari
Oh my Godddddd.
Kyle
And you have now been on the rollercoaster for one minute. And I’m going to say for your turns, you two can go in opposite order. You can alternate your turns.
Ari
Okay.
Kyle
Because now at this point it’s less a classical combat and more you get two turns to deal with whatever the doofus brigade has up for you.
Hallie
[Laughing] Okay. Can I—so he’s at the very bottom, right?
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
‘Cause I don’t want to kick the other two, but I kind of want to swing out with my vest, and then like—
Kyle
Your vest is broken, because it’s a cypher.
Hallie
Ooh!
Kyle
So probably as soon as it sent in, it just like, went back in a little too strongly and just kindof shattered and then fell to the ground.
Hallie
That’s fine. Misha, you got any—I’m looking at all my stuff to remind myself that I have things. Can I use a time crisp to go back and make it so that I grab him before he wiggles out?
Kyle
Yeah, you can do that. So you eat one of your time crisps.
Hallie
Om, nom, nom.
Kyle
And you are back, six seconds. You see him turn over. It’s kind of like this weird, ghostly thing where you can interact but not, right?
Hallie
Right.
Kyle
So he’s just doing what he automatically would have done otherwise. You see this ghostly visage of Fancy Tom turn over and say:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
[Slowed down, as if through the gaze of the past] Oh no! I’m allergic to grass!
Kyle
In slow-mo now. This is slow-mo time.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
And you see him start to wiggle.
Hallie
And Hopper Scotch is like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Nope!
Hallie
And is going to tighten that scarf.
Kyle
Alright. Give me a roll to tighten that scarf.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
This is going to be a little easier because he’s, uh—
Hallie
Slow mo!
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
A two.
Ari
Nooooooo!
Kyle
So time comes back.
Ari
Nooooo!
Hallie
He never took Boy Scouts, he doesn’t know how to make a good knot!
Ari
How can he not take Boy Scouts!
Kyle
And Misha, you see that Hop successfully tightened that scarf—
[Dramatic music begins.]
Because now you see the Speedy Speed Boys, you see Fancy Tom, and you see with his arm tightened into the scarf, right next to Fancy Tom, Hopper Scotch is suddenly dangling there, too.
Ari
Noooo! Ohh!
Hallie
[Laughter.]
[Dramatic music intensifies.]
Kyle
Hello and welcome to the announcement break for episode 27, Quest Friends: Questionable Measures Part 9? Part 9. I am Kyle, your very, very tired GM. And today, like always, our intro and outro music are “Friends” and “Hitoshio,” both by Miracle of Sound. We got a call to action today that’s really important to me. And that’s to check out the art of Mandy Robertson. Mandy is the person who does basically all of our artwork. She’s always super great to work with, super excited, and she has a bunch of amazing projects that she’s always working on. So if you really like the official artwork for Quest Friends, the official artwork for the Cookie Crew, Mandy’s going to be someone definitely worth checking out. You can find her online at mightymeller.com. You can also find her with that handle on Twitter as well. Reminder that if you Tweet or Tumblr out about this show using the hashtag #questfriends you’ll get added to a name pool which I’m going to use to name items, locations, NPCs. Our name pool person for today is Osh, the NPC Osh or Knife-head, named for Dylan Oshier. Dylan, I went on a pronunciation website, every freaking language had a different pronunciation of your last name. But Dylan O. from Twitter is the namesake for Osh. Really appreciate you tweeting about the show and trying to encourage other folks to listen in about it. Alright, that’s all we’ve got for you today. Our next episode is going to be in two weeks, on Monday, December 3. But until then, you and I have got half an episode to listen to. So I’ll listen with you now, and I’ll see you in two weeks.
[25:45]
[Dramatic music resumes.]
Ari
Ohhhh my Goooood!
Hallie
I fucked it up!
Ari
Ohhh my God.
Hallie
Oh, I fucked it up so bad! I’m so sorry!
Ari
Oh nooooo.
Hallie
I’m so sorry! What have I done?
Ari
Can in the same turn Misha send a message to Xoc and say:
Ari (as Misha)
[To Xoc] I believe the ones that were not fine after all were us.
Hallie
[Laughter]
Ari (as Misha)
If something happens to us, I just want to say...I like you very much.
Tom
Can I do my response in the later episode when that happens to us in real time?
Kyle
Yeah, we can do that if you want.
Tom
Because I don’t know how I want to respond to that right now.
Ari
And then, after this, they are going to try and, um, they’re going to try and pull them back into the cart somehow? Like, I don’t know, it’s just that I don’t know what things they can do. I can fling things. I have a cypher where I think I can manipulate small objects with my shadow, but I don’t think—with a flashlight, but I don’t think I can do anything with that.
Kyle
Do whatever you want. Remember, you have lots of XP, and I also—I’m not going to fucking kill you all for two bad rolls.
Ari
I know. I know. But Misha doesn’t know that.
Hallie
We need to panic, Kyle.
Ari
Okay, so I want to just picture the situation physically. So they’re all hanging out of the cart like, they’re almost like, they’re hanging to the side of the cart because the scarf is stuck between everybody basically kind of thing?
Kyle
No, the scarf is hanging on to the side of the cart. Five feet down, it’s wrapped around the Speedy Speed Boys, and then hanging on the bottom of the Speedy Speed Boys—
Ari
Oh, it’s even worse than I thought!
Kyle
You have Fancy Tom, and then you have Hop. And Fancy Tom is just holding on, but Hop is very much tied into the scarf.
Ari
Oh my god, this is even worse than I thought. Oh, no! Ugh, can I like, okay, so if the scarf is there, can I try and just, I guess I can use my fling thing kind of, like to grab the very edge of the scarf and try to like, pull it up so that it’s like a rope? But I guess it’s going to be hard because there’s people in it.
Kyle
Yeah.
Ari
So it’s not like it’s going to be that easy. That’s wrong.
Kyle
Yeah, you’re going to try to wrangle the scarf. And you can successfully get that back. But you’ve got to figure out, I’m going to say an INT roll, to see if you can physics it right. To see if you can get it in.
Ari
Right. I’ll do that. I’ll try to just physics a thing. I do have edge in intellect, so I am going to spend two levels of effort to try and figure out how to physics. I, out of character, do not know how to physics this at all.
[Dice rolling.]
Ari
And I rolled a 10, so—
Kyle
Describe how you get all of them successfully back in the carts.
Hallie
Thank God.
Ari
I guess after saying that thing to Xoc and being like, really worried about everything, and like for a second just thinking that they were doomed, they were going to think like, no, I-I--we cannot end like this. So they’re going to kind of get this other strength, and basically just stare for a second at the situation, like stare at all three people, and do the flingy fling thing so that they all kind of fall—I want them all to fall upon Misha while they’re on the cart, like to physics it right, so that they’re both all in the cart, but fall on top of them.
Kyle
Okay, so they all fall on top of you, and this actually jolts Viv awake.
Kyle (as Viv)
Woah, man! This track does new things all the time!
Kyle
Fancy Tom is like:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
Oh no, but I’m still allergic to grass!
Kyle
And he starts sneezing really bad as you go on top of this grass part of the track, and take your final turn to what looks like a massive jump at the entrance of Manny’s Prosthetic Intestine. And you are at one minute and thirty seconds.
[Soothing interlude music begins.]
[30:12]
Kyle
At the same time I want to explain what’s happening to our good friends, the three other Jagged Dream members. At this point they’ve lifted up Osh, and they just kind of sat there and are going:
Kyle (as Osh)
W-w-well I, should we—we need to help out the boss.
Kyle (as Dylan)
I don’t know who the boss is at this point.
Kyle (as Julia)
Yeah, I mean, I don’t, I don’t really know who the boss is. Like, who do we help out?
Kyle
And they all just sit there for a couple of seconds. And eventually, I think—what did I name her? Julia. Eventually the one that I named Julia just says:
Kyle (as Julia)
Hey, do you guys want to go get some piPods?
Kyle
And they’re like:
Kyle (as Osh and Dylan)
Yeah!
Kyle
And they start walking off outside of the rollercoaster to go get themselves some piPods.
Tom
Oh my fucking God.
Kyle
Alright. And we are back to the rollercoaster. There is a massive jump coming on. Fancy Tom is just sneezing.
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
This is terrible!
Kyle
And he just starts flailing his arms in a complainy way.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
And I need both of you have to roll speed defense as he just flails his arms, upset.
Hallie
God.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Nine.
Ari
One.
Hallie and Emily
Oh no!
Tom
Ohhhh!
Kyle
Miraculously, it does damage to Misha—no, it doesn’t do any damage. He is flailing. But it confuses Misha so much that they will be distracted on their turn.
Ari
I like that.
Kyle
Because they’re just like, what is he doing? Is this an attack?
Ari (as Misha)
Are humans supposed to move like this?
Hallie
Or is he throwing a tantrum?
Ari (as Misha)
I wonder if this is what grass allergies does to humans.
Kyle
But, it gets worse. Because you actually don’t get that penalty. Because instead, I’m going to give you a GM intrusion, but for free.
Ari
Ohh.
Kyle
So you don’t give that XP to somebody else, ‘cause you rolled a one. So you get this intrusion for free.
Ari
Oh my God.
Kyle
Suddenly, out of nowhere—
[Intense, distorted, electronic music begins.]
Kyle
Your vision, everything around you starts to get this harsh, red tint. And you get filled, inexplicably, with this giant, horrendous, terrible, righteous fury. You see that the four of them—this man that so terribly attacked you, these two thrill-seeking thieves, and this [voice begins to echo ominously] arrogant, hubris-filled man, who thinks he can control what he wants—you see all four of them, and you see yourself pick them up, in the scarf, and throw them, easily, outside of the rollercoaster. And you see them do this, and you see it again and again, and every time, this voice in the back of your mind makes you feel more excited, and more energetic, and you just—you see them hit the ground [repeating] hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground—and you see them split, and you are filled with such...happiness.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
And then you jump back to the moment, when you’re still underneath all of them. And it is your turn to choose what you are going to do.
Tom
So I recall that we are allowed to mentally jump in at any point, like with our mental connection. I decided that Xoc, for whatever reason, I suppose we’ll figure it out later, didn’t or couldn’t respond to Misha’s message right away. And so now, Xoc happens to message Misha, and he says:
Tom (as Xoc)
[Mentally calling to Misha] Misha Jarvis, you’re really important to me too. And I don’t know, I don’t really know how to say this, because this is all weird and new and strange for me, but I just wanted to let you know, I’ll always be there for you. I don’t care what happened in your past or anything else, I-I know that if we work together, we, we can work through any of that. You mean a lot to me.
Emily
Aww.
Kyle
That’s the last thing you hear, and that message is cut off by a weird, other-worldly scream.
[Weird, other-worldly scream.]
Kyle
Coming both from your mouth, but also coming from Xoc’s side.
Ari
So they are going to in turn look at every single person and, you know, try to like, try to fight this that they really, really want to do. But I want it to like, right before they like maybe start grabbing for something, like for their scarf or something, that--that’s when Xoc, when they scream, and instead of doing that, I want to use my Shock to the System thing and maybe hit Fancy Tom or hit somebody. You can decide who I hit with it, but like, instead of doing the thing to try and accidentally just like channel it through that. Because like, what the thing does is that it fills people, it fills a targeted creature with images—what is it—flood the mind of a target within short range with disturbing images and ideas. Affected targets faint and collapse to the ground, remaining unconscious for two rounds. So I’m thinking that maybe they can accidentally transfer that as they are trying to fight it. But if that’s reaching out too much--
[35:07]
Kyle
No. That’s fine. This voice doesn’t want you to do it. It doesn’t want you to do this. You have to fight it. Tom and Ari, each roll me a D20, and I’m going to add your scores together.
[Dice rolling.]
Ari
I’m sorry, I rolled--I rolled a six.
Tom
Can I spend my two XP remaining on this, or would that not be applicable here?
Kyle
You can, but you still need to roll.
Tom
If I may justify my two XP here, I want to somehow, through mental connection, or just from memory, bring a tune to mind for Misha, like humming a tune in their mind.
Ari
[Muffled, pained] Noo, don’t do this thing!
Tom
I don’t know what tune Xoc chooses. And we use the heart of the cards.
[Dice rolling.]
Emily
[Pained groaning.]
Tom
An eleven.
Kyle
You get overwhelmed, Misha, with these images…
[Dark, sinister music begins.]
Kyle
All these bloodied, battered faces. The roar of a thousand different vehicles. You hear the screech as the man in Charmonde gets crushed by the gears. You hear this anger, this possessiveness, this mine, mine, mine, and all of it starts to fade away for a second. And you find yourself in this empty void. And in front of you, you see the bottom side of this massive, still, ceramic-like dress that looks like it’s mid-flowing. And above you, a similarly colored white hand starts to reach down towards you.
Kyle
And that’s when you hear the tune from Xoc.
Tom (as Xoc)
[Xoc hums a tune.]
[Xoc’s humming transitions into an electronic version of the tune.]
Kyle
And your mind starts to drift away from this void as the figure disappears and the images of the area start to come back, and you’re back. As normal. In this cart. And Fancy Tom is just, whomp, on the ground right in front of you. He’s just out. He’s very much out of commission. And as you do that, over the course of those 30 or so seconds, the rollercoaster starts to rumble, and it leaps off the side of the jump, and you just hear [succession of thudding noises] three thuds as the rollercoaster veers off course, crashes into the ground at exactly the two minute mark, and you see the three Jagged Dream members on the ground nursing their heads where they presumably got hit by the cart.
Hallie
I love it.
Kyle
And we’re out of initiative.
Hallie
Okay, so to clarify, Fancy Tom is now unconscious?
Kyle
Fancy Tom is now unconscious, and his—the little like, the little packet he was holding, he had a little packet. The packet and blueprints, they’re two separate things, slide off towards your feet.
Hallie
Okay, but was him unconscious due to Misha?
Kyle
Yes.
Hallie
Okay. So what did Hop see?
Kyle
Hop saw Misha just start kind of like shaking around violently, and you saw both of Misha’s eyes go red.
Hallie
Oh no.
Ari
[Distressed exhalation]
Kyle
And suddenly, you just heard like a scream, and then you heard Fancy Tom go:
Kyle (as Fancy Tom)
All the grass!
Kyle
And just get overwhelmed and start sneezing convulsively until he anxiety sneezed himself unconscious.
Ari
[Distressed exhalation continues]
Hallie
Oh my God, okay.
Kyle
And you’re out, so he’s on the ground, and you’re over there seeing that, and Misha, meanwhile, as you kind of look around and get up, you see the two Speedy Speedy Boys pop up and be like:
Kyle (as Baby Jason)
Woo! That was so cool! That was tubular! Let’s do it again!
Kyle
Baby Jason looks down at you and is like:
Kyle (as Baby Jason)
You should visit our gang in the Beyond!
Kyle
And Viv says:
Kyle (as Viv)
Yeah, totally. You would make an excellent Speedy Speed Boy.
Kyle
Uh, and at that, that little bit of fury [voice distorts electronically, a heart beats briefly] rises back up again [voice returns to normal] before subsiding.
Ari
Now I have a question. Would Misha remember that this happened? Or would it be like a blank?
Kyle
Misha would remember it.
Ari
Alright, in that case then, Misha is going to kind of stay put without moving, like kind of staring blankly in front of them and like, breathing kind of heavily.
Hallie
Hop is going to gather the documents that fell at his feet, but just like cram them into his pocket again. And then go over to Misha and say:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Misha, Misha, what happened? Are you okay?
Ari
Misha is going to recoil when Hop appears, and they’re, like, when they look at Hop, they are going, like, to back away a little bit. Like it might seem that they’re scared of Hop, but they’re not. They’re actually scared of what they thought they wanted to do to Hop, and they’re going to just back away while looking at him with a little panic ways, and they’re not going to answer right away. They’re going to kind of just shake their head a bit.
[40:05]
Hallie
Seeing Misha back away, he’s not following, because he’s respecting that Misha wants to put distance. But Hopper does think like, Misha’s afraid of him, and he doesn’t quite--he doesn’t know why.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Misha, what’s wrong?
Ari
Misha is going to shake their head and say:
Ari (as Misha)
S-s-so, you got the blueprints. You--you got them, right? Right, Simon Scotch? That—we solved it. Right?
Ari
Like they are going to try to divert.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Yeah.
Hallie
He’ll like, glance at his pocket, like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Yeah, yeah no, I got it—but we’ve already had to leave friends today, so if something is wrong, I’d rather take care of that first than this.
Ari (as Misha)
What did you—what did you see?
Hallie (as Hopper)
Both of your eyes went red, and you looked really mad.
Ari (as Misha)
I don’t know if I can discuss this. I, uh, I-I-I-I apologize, Scotch. I am not fine, but I don’t know if I can address it. My apologies--it is not, uh—
Hallie
Hopper is shaking his head.
Hallie (as Hopper)
No, no need to apologize. I just want to make sure you’re okay.
Ari (as Misha)
I do not believe I am, but I will do my best to be.
Ari
And just look at Hop and say:
Ari (as Misha)
I would advise you to not step close to me for some time. I will still follow, but just, not us be as close.
Hallie
Hopper, a brief flash of hurt goes across his face.
Ari
Oh no! No! That’s not what I wanted!
Hallie
And then, he’s, um, he’ll say:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Okay, Misha. But I..I trust you. I want you to know that.
Tom
[Pained gasp]
Ari (as Misha)
I know. It is true, but I do not trust myself. I—I want to clarify that I like you, and this is why I want you to be careful.
Hallie
Hopper will kind of shrug and smile a little bit.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Misha, do whatever is best for you, but that pinky promise we made goes both ways.
All
[Pained reactions to Hop’s statement.]
Ari
Feelies! Misha is going to nod and say:
Ari (as Misha)
Thank you, Simon Scotch. I know this, and I suppose I can trust you with this, but you need to promise me that you’re not going to be scared.
Ari
And they’re going to like extend their pinky.
[Dramatic music begins.]
Hallie
Yeah, Hopper extends his pinky back and smiles and says:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Never.
Ari
Misha then is going to take a deep breath and say.
Ari (as Misha)
For a second there in the cart, I--I thought of—I thought really bad things about—about everybody. About you, about everybody. And felt like I should—I wanted to, to—
Ari
And then Misha cannot like, get themselves to say it. So they’re going to like, make the motion of, like, pushing motion.
Hallie
Oh!
Ari (as Misha)
And I do apologize, I do not really feel that—I don’t know why I felt that, and I almost did it. And I--I didn’t, and I think—I don’t know. I want you to believe that I--that I wouldn’t do it.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Well, you didn’t.
Ari (as Misha)
But I almost—I almost did. And maybe next time, if there’s a next time, what if I do?
Hallie (as Hopper)
We’ll be there. Misha, I don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t have to go into more detail if you don’t want to. I just want to let you know that we’ll figure it out.
Ari (as Misha)
But what if next time—
Hallie (as Hopper)
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s worth the risk.
Ari
Misha is going to kind of nod, but halfheartedly, like they don’t really think that.
Ari (as Misha)
Simon, Simon Scotch. Would you promise if...if it seems the bridge can’t be crossed, that you will protect yourself?
Hallie
Nooo. Ugh.
All
[Pained noises]
Ari
And they’re going to like, extend their pinky one last time.
Emily
How did this get so sad?
Hallie
Nooo!
Ari
I don’t know!
Hallie (as Hopper)
You’re extending the pinky?!
Ari (as Misha)
If it--if it comes to it, I do not want to hurt you.
Hallie
Hopper will give Misha a skeptical look, and then extend his pinky and he’ll say:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Sure, Misha.
Hallie
But he’s crossing his other fingers behind his back.
All
[Screaming at this dramatic turn of events.]
Hallie
Yes, Hopper lies.
Emily
So many angsty lies!
Tom
Why!? Oh!
Hallie
Oh, these lies!
Tom
Oh my God.
Emily
What happened this session?
All
[Continued pained noises]
Kyle
I don’t know, so much of it was so silly!
Hallie
We just got off a rollercoster. How did this happen?
Kyle
We had a murder clown car earlier. We had the world’s most ineffective Jagged Dream members.
Tom
I feel like the thing that fucks with my head the most is that we went off of that, like, the horror of Misha’s episode, into the overwhelming negative feelings that break Fancy Tom’s brain are grass, and he sneezes himself to unconsciousness. Jesus Christ. And I’m not saying that in a bad way. The whiplash is just really fucking with me. In a good way, but also not, because holy shit.
[45:25]
Emily
[Sad exhalation]
Kyle
Alright, let’s resolve this horrible lie.
Hallie
Alright. After this:
Hallie (as Hopper)
No problem, Misha. Alright, let’s get down to business.
Kyle
You take a look at what you’ve got. And so one thing that you have is you have a much more thorough, and honestly professionally put together blueprint of, like, the facility. You can see all the back rooms, you can see that main exhibit exhibition hall, and then you see the auction hall to the right. You see a much more thorough list of like, when all the things are getting auctioned off. And instead of mystery item, it does say Q-BO. And then you see this packet that he has. And you open it up, and you start to get an idea now why they accidentally thought you were the boss, because of what it says on this packet. So you see a little Post-It note, and I’m going to call it Paste-It note. That’s the Ninth World, a Paste-It note.
Hallie
Paste-It! Love it!
Kyle
And it says, uh: Shopping lists. You see EZ-Life. You see the Argent. And then you see in all caps: THIS THING, and an arrow pointing downwards to this fancily written note, which says:
[Closing theme, “Hitoshio,” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
Kyle
Come to the land of tomorrow and win your personalized mystery prize today! And as you read this, two slightly humming pearls fall out of the packet. And at the bottom, it just says,
Kyle (as Ashen)
Won’t you play it with me? Won’t you play, Hop Scotch?
[Closing theme intensifies.]
Ari
Um, um, fuck you, Tom.
Tom
Wear heelies to escape your feelies.
Emily
Hallie, are you okay?
Hallie
Yeah. Oh my God, it’s fine. This is fine.