• Quest Friends!

Ep. 27: Questionable Measures, Part 9

Updated: Apr 29, 2019

Today's episode is like a rollercoaster: lots of ups, lots of downs, and lots of opportunities to feel sick to your stomach.

Listen as our heroes:

INVOKE their deity over a dozen times!

LEARN how to physics!

LIE, lie, lie!

Content Warnings: Implied graphic violence, loud volume (44:15)

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version)

Kyle

Hey, it’s Kyle, your GM. Just here for a couple of content warnings. Because things get a bit hairy in today’s episode, and even though there isn’t any actual gore, there is a little bit of implied gore, and I thought that might be worth mentioning. There’s also going to be a couple of sections that are going to be pretty difficult on folks who have really sensitive hearing, and so if that’s the case and you get to one of those points and you realize it’s just too much to handle, remember that we have episode summaries on questfriendspodcast.com. Other than that, I hope you really enjoy the episode, which we’re going to play … now.


Previously, on Quest Friends…


[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]


Kyle (as turnstile attendant)

Well in that case, you’re going to want one of our EZ-Life brands. It doesn’t cheat death. You know, if you die by old age, you can’t come back, and if you use it too many times you’re just going to be too tired out to keep using it.


Hallie

I’m going for the guy. I’m, like, going to, like, grab him by the shirt.


Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

Um, I would appreciate that, otherwise the boss is going to be very upset.


Hallie (as Hopper)

And the boss is Fancy Tom? Like, that Fancy Tom? Tommy Funbuck?


Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Hey, it’s me, Tommy Funbuck! Hope you have fun in my casino. Check out the hotel. And win some cash, cash, cash.


Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

W-w-well yes, Fancy Tom wears a hat just like that, sir.


Kyle

Although the seafarer does take a grimy top hat from the pile and loudly proclaims:


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Look at me, I’m Fancy Tom!


Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay. Why do you need to go to the rollercoaster?


Emily

Elee’s just taking a moment to watch the rollercoaster, thinking about as a normal human how likely Hop would be to survive because she can probably muscle him into it if she really wanted.


Kyle

Actually no, Hallie roll me a D20.


Emily

[Laughter.]


[Die rolls.]


Hallie

A two.


[Theme intensifies.]


Kyle

Alright, so you’re walking. You’re making your way, you’re dragging this guy.


Hallie

And as we started out, Imma be like, this better be good. Like, this better be good.


Kyle

Yeah, you’re dragging this, and you have some time if you want to look at any of the other documents you picked up.


Ari

Yes. I want to see if Tommy Funbuck is part of the Jagged Dream, because that thug that said that Tommy Funbuck was his boss had a Jagged Dream tattoo, so I want to see if they’re two separate things or if Tommy Funbuck is actually part of the Jagged Dream and we have reduced our suspect list.


[Mysterious, ominous music begins.]


Kyle

You take a look at it, and you see another dossier on Tommy Funbuck. Except this one includes like, toenail clippings and a waft of armpit.


Ari

[Very Quietly] Okay...


Tom

Why are you the way that you are, Kyle?


Kyle

I don’t know. It includes another very creepy dossier, but it looks like the Jagged Dream is investigating Tommy Funbuck.


Ari

Ohh.


Kyle

So all signs point to no.


Ari

Ohh.


Hallie

Okay.


Ari

So now—this is not my question, but I am wondering now if this one dude is, I don’t know, if he’s actually just spying on Tommy Funbuck and he’s not actually, yeah.


Kyle

Alright. So, you make your way to the rollercoaster. And, give me a roll to see if you make it through all the traps.


Hallie

Oh god.


Ari

Okay.


Kyle

Because as we mentioned earlier, a few episodes ago, there are a bunch of like darts and traps and death traps on your way there.


Hallie

Yeah.


[Die rolls.]


Hallie

Hop rolled a seven, which is exactly what he rolled the other time.


[Die rolls.]


Ari

Ooh, what? I am not making this up, I rolled another 19.


Tom and Hallie

Ooh!


Kyle

So Hop, you’re going to take a number of points equal to how many less than 10 you rolled. So you’re going to have to take three might damage. As you just like, a couple of darts just stick themselves in your neck.


Hallie

Okay.


Kyle

And they have like a little bit of poison.


Hallie

He’s still like dragging the other guy, like he doesn’t want to let him go, so he’s just like, with one hand doing this while trying not to loosen his grip.


Kyle

Okay, and the other guy is fine.


Hallie

G-great. Good for him!


Kyle

And so you make your way, and from a distance you start hearing this ranting voice.


[Ominous music begins]


Kyle (as ranting voice)

Where is the other one there? Where is Osh? How is he not back yet? This is ridiculous.


Hallie

I’m going to turn to knife guy.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Is that you? Is that you they’re expecting?


Kyle (as Osh)

Yup, that’s me!


Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright.


Kyle (as ranting voice)

I need those documents! I shouldn’t have left them there in the first place! And all I got out of this was this lousy blueprint! Dah!


Hallie

So we’re approaching them now, right?


Kyle

Yeah. You can turn. You can’t quite see them yet. Are you going to walk up the steps to confront them, or are you going to wait to the side a little bit?


Hallie

I guess waiting to the side is the more prudent plan.


Kyle

Okay. So he’s just going to keep talking a little bit. He’s going to say a lot of mean things about Osh, who is the knife-head guy that you’re hanging out with.


Kyle (as ranting voice)

I’m just so frustrated that I went to the trouble of finding Hop Scotch’s room and he has nothing for me besides this bloody blueprint and this horrible packet, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m expected to do!


Kyle

And he’s just going to rant a little bit. And you see the guy that you’re holding, he’s like:


Kyle (as Osh)

B-b-b-b-b-b... [Stammering]


Kyle

And he’s trying to get out the word “Boss.”


Hallie

Okay, so are they coming around a corner?


Kyle

Uh no, he’s, so you know that little waiting area before a rollercoaster? That little platform?


Hallie

Yeah.


Kyle

They’re inside that platform. You’re kind of like, right outside the steps.


[4:57]


Hallie

Okay. Are they exiting at all? Are they moving towards us? Or are they just hanging out and we’re just listening?


Kyle

They’re just hanging out there. It seems like everyone went to the parade, so it’s pretty dead.


Hallie

Okay.


Kyle

So they’re like, oh, this is a great place to hang out, especially because there are so many labyrinths and ways to go around.


Hallie

Okay. Then I’m just going to take the direct approach, I guess. I’m going to look at Misha and try to do a “you ready?” expression.


Ari

Misha is going to nod and say:


Ari (as Misha)

Let’s do this, partner!


Hallie (as Hopper)

Let’s do it!


Hallie

And then he’s going to drag Osh up with him.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Osh doesn’t have the stuff you want! I have the stuff you want! I’m going to keep it, and I also want the things that you took back!


[Upbeat, action-heavy rock music begins.]


Kyle

So you see two mooks.


Hallie

Two mooks. Tooks.


Kyle

On each side of this man in really fancy dressing, who is dressed a lot fancier he should be in this really ratty top hat. And he turns around and he has a bag of time crisps, and he starts munching them.


Hallie

No!


Kyle

And as he does, you see this top hat start to adjust on his face, which has a single eye patch. So it seems like every time he eats the crisps he’s just adjusting his hat.


Ari

Oh my god.


Hallie

This asshole.


Kyle

And he says:


Kyle (as ranting voice)

Well, well, well! Look who we have here again! Time for round two?


Kyle

And you don’t see Tommy Funbuck, but you see the man you fought in Charmonde, known only as Fancy Tom.


Ari

Fancy Tom?


Hallie

He’s the man Misha like, hit in the face with a rock!


Kyle

Hit in the eye with a rock! And he has covered that eye with an eye patch.


Hallie

And now he has an eye patch! I love it!


Ari

Consequences! Oh my God!


Hallie

What a petty villain!


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Come here to take my other eye?


Kyle

Uh, and one of the guys is like:


Kyle (as one of the mooks)

Boss, we told you, it’s perfectly fine. It’s just a little bit red.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No it’s not, Daryl! Well, well, well: looks like I have what you want. And you also have what I want, so we’re basically even.


Hallie

Hopper will cross his arms and be like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

It appears we’re at an impasse.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Well, I suppose there’s four of us and two of you. So, I mean, just give it to us and we should be good.


Hallie (as Hopper)

We were outnumbered on the boat, too.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, no, there were three of us and four of you. No, five of you! There were three of us and five of you! So it’s like the same situation, but reversed? So no, we have the numbers now! So I would very much like my papers, please.


Hallie (as Hopper)

I remembered that wrong, but it doesn’t matter. We’re not afraid of you, and I want the stuff.


Kyle

And one of the people is going to turn over to Fancy Tom:


Kyle (as Daryl)

Wait, can we pause for a moment? Hi. I’m Daryl. Why--isn’t he our boss? Why are we fighting with him?


Kyle

And Fancy Tom turns over and says:


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, you don’t understand. That’s very--that’s not what I meant by Hop Scotch, okay?


Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no: Keep talking, Daryl. I’m your boss?


Kyle

And Daryl just looks between you and between Fancy Tom who’s giving him angry eyes.


Kyle (as Daryl)

Well that document, like, you looked at it and you immediately said “Hop Scotch.” So isn’t that--isn’t that the boss?


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I told you again, Daryl. No, the boss, that’s a different person, it’s a different thing, Daryl. Can we have this conversation once we’ve gathered the documents?


Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t know, Fancy Tom. It kind of sounds like Daryl’s right, and I’m your boss.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You are not, that is not the case!


Kyle

And I want you to roll persuasion.


[Die rolls.]


Hallie

A three!


All

[Laughter.]


Ari

You have XP.


Tom

If only there was a resource that you had copious amounts of.


Hallie

I’d like to use my copious amounts of XP to re-roll.


Kyle

Fun fact to remember: Do I need to send you a list? Because you can do extreme things with more than one XP.


Hallie

I know. No, I have the Google Doc. I just forget to open it.


Kyle

Like, two is an insta-success.


Hallie

I’d like to use two for an insta-success.


Kyle

Okay, so how are you going to convince Daryl?


Hallie

At great personal cost, Hopper will be like:


Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m pretty close with the woman who runs this town.


[Rolls die.]


Hallie (as Hopper)

You could say we’re friends!


Kyle (as Daryl)

Oh, we’re working for Lorraine Stiles, too? Woah, everything’s changing.


Kyle

And Fancy Tom just has his head in his hands.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Alright, well, Julia, you at least side with me there.


Kyle

And you see the other mook on his right, a woman, she’s just shrugging her shoulders.


Kyle (as Julia)

Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on at this point.


Kyle

And Daryl turns over and says:


Kyle (as Daryl)

Oh, well, I’m pretty sure that guy is our actual boss.


Hallie (as Hopper)

Look, I’m just saying that if I’m your boss, which I am, you should report everything that you know to me. Such as, why you have those blueprints and the packet that has my name on it.


Kyle (as Daryl)

Uh, well, why do we have that, second boss?


Kyle

Fancy Tom’s like:


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I’m not going to explain it to you rubes! We just need that file from Hop! Alright? Just go over and take it.


Hallie

Hopper sticks it in his pocket.


Kyle (as Daryl)

Well, it’s--it’s in his pocket now.


Kyle (as Julia)

Yeah, I mean, it’s in his pocket, we can’t take it from there.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Exasperatedly] Just take the damn documents!


Ari

I want to try and threaten him, then. So can Misha in the background have grabbed a rock and be like:


[10:05]


Ari (as Misha)

Excuse me, look, Fancy Tom, I am not prone to harming you humans, but you have seen what happens when I hold small objects like this. So if you do not provide the information that we need, it might be the case that this rock might slip and hit your other eye.


All

[Laughter.]


Kyle

Um, roll me an intimidation.


Ari

This is going to go super poorly.


[Dice roll.]


Ari

Seven.


Kyle

Alright. He’s going to start walking backwards.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Fearfully] W-what, hey-hey-hey, hey! What’s the big idea here? Alright? I’m—we--we--we can all be friends. We can talk about things. Uh, you don’t need to throw that rock at me.


[Frantic, carnival-esque music begins.]


Kyle

And he starts backpedaling, closer and closer to the rollercoaster tracks.


Ari

Oh, no!


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

You know what, no, we shouldn’t talk about this. In fact, maybe I should just go.


Hallie

No!


Kyle

And as he says that, he falls back into one of the rollercoaster carts that flies by, and his cart is just off, on the tracks.


[Dice roll.]


Hallie

Alright, we’re riding the rollercoaster.


Ari

Fourteen.


Hallie

Eleven.


Kyle

Okay, so his cart is going off. Ari, you are first in the order. What do you want to do?


Ari

Ohh, well, can I just try and get into the—so he grabbed himself to a cart, and then can I use it so that like, I jumped into that same cart with him?


Kyle

Yeah, I’m going to say you can jump into it, because you’re right next to him. So you jump into the cart right next to him and then what do you do?


Ari

Yeah, Misha’s going to say:


Ari (as Misha)

It seems you cannot escape us, so it is better that you just give us the information that we want to know.


Kyle

Okay, give me a roll for that intimidation. You’re giving a second shot.


[Dice roll.]


Ari

Uh, nineteen. I swear to God.


Kyle

What’s the minor effect you want to happen? I’m going to say you’re intimidating him so that his next turn he doesn’t do anything, so what do you want your minor effect to be?


Ari

I don’t know, can it just be that like since I was talking intimidating, can it be that he’s actually afraid of the tiny rock that Misha is holding?


Kyle

Yeah. He’s going to be like:


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Stammering in fear.]


Kyle

And he’s going to walk back a little bit, and he’s going to hit his head on the front of the rollercoaster, and he’s going to take two points of might damage.


Ari

Excellent.


Kyle

Okay, Hop. It is you, what are you going to do?


Hallie

Right. Well, I want to run to it, I would like to try to parkour my way up this rollercoaster into that car.


Kyle

Alright, give me a roll for that.


Hallie

I am now skilled in parkour by the way.


[Dice rolling.]


Hallie

Seventeen.


Ari

Damn!


Kyle

Alright, how do you get yourself into this rollercoaster, as the last cart is barely leaving as soon as you get on to it.


Hallie

Oh god, I don’t even know. Alright. So I would like to grab onto the cart as it’s leaving, and then use that momentum to swing myself forward on to the front of the cart. And then is there an ascent right away?


Kyle

Yeah.


Hallie

On the ascent, I am going to jump to the back of that car and then do, like, a backflip in, because I can.


Kyle

Alright, and then what is your action? Because that’s just your movement.


Hallie

That’s just my movement! Um, I want to just try to grab fancy Tom by the scruff, but hold him backwards. Not like, off the roller coaster, but like, we’re going up, so that we’re not facing the direction that’s up. He would be facing the direction that’s up.


Kyle

Okay. Give me a roll.


[Dice rolling.]


Hallie

Another seventeen.


Ari

Hmm.


Kyle

Alright. You go and lift him there, and he looks like he is going to talk on his turn. And a whole bunch of things happen.


Hallie

Oh no.


Kyle

Because you’re on this rollercoaster. You’re going up, and you’ve almost hit the peak. And you’re feeling great. And then you remember, you feel something that Elee knew a few episodes ago, which is that you could last maybe two minutes on this rollercoaster.


Hallie

[Laughter] Oh, that’s right.


Kyle

And we’re about—I’m not going to say every round is seven seconds, so I’m going to say we’re 15 seconds—no, I’m going to say we’re 30 seconds into those two minutes.


Hallie

Okay.


Kyle

So while Tommy has a turn, before his turn starts, it’s the rollercoaster’s turn.


Hallie

[Laughter] No!


Ari

Oh, god.


Kyle

And I need you, Hop, to roll strength to make sure you don’t let go of Fancy Tom.


Emily

No!


Kyle

As you start careening down the incline.


[Dice rolling.]


Hallie

Twelve.


Kyle

You … let go.


Hallie

No!


Ari

Fuck.


Kyle

And he flies back into the last car of the rollercoaster, and is dangling on.


Hallie

No!


Kyle

And you hear him just go, faintly:


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Distantly] What’s the big idea!


Hallie

God, you’re the worst.


Kyle

And then Misha, I have a GM intrusion for you.


Ari

Oh, God why?


Kyle

Who do you give your other experience point to?


Ari

Um, I’m going to give it to Elee because she didn’t lie, Xoc.


All

[Laughter.]


Tom

Okay, I deserve that.


Kyle

So, as you go down, you hear behind you two voices go:


[Cowabunga surf music begins.]


Kyle (as two voices)

Wooaaaaah!


Kyle

And you see, in the cart behind you, two young individuals wearing all-purpose leather coveralls, come like, with their arms up, and they’re super excited. One of them, half of her head is partially shaved off.


Ari

Ooh.


[15:10]


Kyle

And the other one is just this very round-faced young guy. He’s probably like, in his teens. And they’re like:


Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Woah! Man, this is so awesome! Man, I love this!


Hallie

Have they been on the rollercoaster the whole time?


Kyle

They have.


Hallie

Okay.


Kyle

And they’re like:


Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Dude, isn’t this—


Kyle

They turn over to you, Misha:


Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Dude, isn’t this the best?


Ari

Misha’s going to look at them:


Ari (as Misha)

Oh, uh, salutations, sudden humans, I believe this is potentially fun, yes!


Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Hell yeah, it’s fun! It’s the most cool thing outside of our home base. The base of the Speedy Speed Boys!


Kyle

And you see them make this super cool motion, and they start going through this little monologue. And the one with the shaved head says:


Kyle (as shaved-head teen)

I’m Viv!


Kyle

And the one, the round-faced one says:


Kyle (as round-faced teen)

And I’m Baby Jason!


Kyle (as Viv and Baby Jason, together)

And we are the Speedy Speed Boys, on vacation!


Kyle

And Viv is like:


Kyle (as Viv)

Yeah, no, the boss was totally right in that this was the coolest place to go. It’s totally dangerous and tubular, but also because of the EZ-Life brands—


Kyle

And they both show off their hands, and you can see these brightly multi-colored bands—


Kyle (as Viv)

The safest place around!


Hallie

I love it!


Kyle

And Baby Jason is like:


Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Yeah! We’ve died so many times and we’ve come back with absolutely no side-effects!


Kyle

And at that point, their eyes glaze back, and both of them fall to the ground unconscious.


Hallie

No! Nooo!


Ari

Noooooooo!


Kyle

And that is your intrusion!


Emily

Noooo!


Hallie

Noooo!


Ari

Noooo!


Tom

Oh, no!


Hallie

Are they dead? For realsies?


Kyle

No, they’re not dead. They’re just unconscious. They’re very woozy. They need a lot of rest.


Hallie

[Distressed] Thank God!


Kyle

But they’ve been going on this rollercoaster non-stop.


Ari

And Tommy Funbuck—oh sorry, not Tommy Funbuck--Fancy Tom is like, all the way in the back of the same cart, right?


Kyle

Yeah, he is a few carts back, they’re directly behind you.


Ari

Oh boy.


Kyle

It is now Fancy Tom’s turn. And he’s still terrified. So I said he was going to spew things, so he still is.


Ari

Oh my God.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I just heard a tip that your room was going to have all the information I would need to do to perform a mild heist, so I just thought I’d go in and get some information myself.


Ari (as Misha)

A heist? Please elaborate.


Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Absolutely! But could you please [suddenly yelling] helllllp first!


Kyle

And you can see his hands start to slip. And so it is your full turn, Misha.


[Manic, acoustic guitar-driven music begins.]


Here is the situation. Hop is in front. He is fine. In the second cart are two unconscious members of...a gang? I guess, called the Speedy Speed Boys. And then, five carts, hanging on for dear life, is Fancy Tom. And right now, it looks like the rollercoaster next turn is going to start sliding horizontally on the wall of Ro