Ep. 31: Questionable Measures, Part 13
Updated: Apr 29, 2019
Heist, heist, heist, heist!
Listen as our heroes:
ASCEND a toilet!
RAP the crowd around their fingers!
DANCE with the devil!
Content Warning: Loud Sounds (1:14:50)
The Tenth World Blueprints: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UiCwnilbfTvTeux9PBViBUiZWxDN7lwf/view?usp=sharing
TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version):
Previously, on Quest Friends…
[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
Kyle (as Q-BO)
My name is the Incalculable Quorum of Beneficial Outputs. But you can call me Q-BO.
Kyle (as Lorraine Stiles)
What we have heard is that somebody close to the auction plans on stealing Q-BO from the time the exhibit opens in a few hours to the time the auction starts.
Hallie (as Hopper)
What exactly are you promising?
Kyle (as Lorraine Stiles)
If you can find me convincing evidence on who plans on stealing Q-BO, than I promise I will give you access to everything you have a coupon for.
Tom (as Xoc)
We need to save Q-BO.
Hallie (as Hopper)
I’m with you, Xoc.
Emily (as Elee)
Okay.
Hallie (as Hopper
I’m with you.
Tom (as Xoc)
And all Lorraine asked for was evidence of who was going to steal it. We can foil the heist, do our own heist, and still get our reward from Lorraine.
Hallie (as Hopper)
I’d like to add an addendum to this agreement: No one here—
Hallie
And he gestures to his party behind him.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Comes to any harm at any time during this.
Kyle (as Lorraine Stiles)
I promise that I personally will not bring your innocent friends to harm.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Or your underlings.
Kyle (as Lorraine Stiles)
Them, too.
Kyle (as Regular Bob)
But don’t worry. Unless you’re too competent, you’ll be fine. Heh, heh, heh. Seriously though, if you appear too competent, I will hunt you down and kill you.
Ari
Misha is going to say:
Ari (as Misha)
I highly doubt that.
[Opening theme intensifies.]
Kyle
Roulettia is alight.
[Dramatic electronic music begins.]
Kyle
The sparks of its glittering walls and impending revolution reach high, high into your enclosed diamond elevator, Hop and Misha, as you make your way to the Tenth World Exhibit and Auction. Getting past the bouncers was easy. After all, only someone with an excess of wealth could waste so much on something so tasteless as Misha’s mask. But by getting past this one obstacle, you’ve placed a hundred more in your way. Because now, you’ve committed. Committed to saving Q-BO, committed to stopping the Jagged Dream, and committed to standing ground against the woman you have tried tirelessly to race away from. Are you going to say or do anything before the doors open? Otherwise I’m going to describe the doors opening.
Ari
Well, I guess just before that, uh, Misha is going to turn to Hop and say:
Ari (as Misha)
Simon Scotch, there is just one flaw that I did not see with this plan, and that is that I forgot to ask Soe to provide another one of these garments—
Ari
And point at the mask that they are having—
Ari (as Misha)
For you as well.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Oh, well, that’s alright. I don’t think I really need one.
Ari
Misha is going to look at Hop and they’re going to nod and be like:
Ari (as Misha)
Ah yes, I suppose you are already cool without the mask.
Hallie (as Hopper)
[Sincerely, a little taken aback.] Well thanks, Misha. That--that was a nice thing to say. I think you’re really cool, too.
Ari
Misha’s going to nod and point at their mask and say:
Ari (as Misha)
Well now I do believe so, too.
Tom
Ohhh.
Hallie
Ohh, I just got it.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Ari (as Misha)
Now let’s go and rescue Q-BO.
Kyle
Yeah, so with that, the doors open, and you notice it’s very easy to get out of your elevators, because everyone is just sitting there, mouths agape, staring at Misha. You’re not quite sure what they think of it, because they’re not quite sure what they think of it...yet. In front of you, you see a giant banner, bookended on both sides by a winking platinum bust of Tommy Funbuck.
[Synthy music, like the music that plays upon launching a video game system, plays.]
Kyle
The banner says: JET.CO’s Tenth World Exhibit and Auction, as sponsored by Tommy Funbuck. And the “As sponsored by Tommy Funbuck” is the only name you can see, because you notice one of these winking busts is absolutely blocking the word “JET.CO” in this banner.
Hallie
[Quiet laugh.]
Kyle
In front of you you see three doors of people are spilling through, and to your left you see a Q-BO stand, which seems to have a little bit of paper, like, Dact Taped to it. And in front of it, someone in the kind of bellhop costume that you saw in the hotel, you see someone wearing that costume standing in front of it, talking to folks and directing them.
Hallie
Can I ask the bellhop where the coat check is?
Kyle
You walk up and he’s like—
Kyle (as bellhop)
Oh, jeez, really? People really can’t do anything without this Q-BO. It’s right over there.
Kyle
And he points to his left, and you see, a foot away from him, another person standing behind the counter to the coat check.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Oh. Thanks.
Kyle
He turns over to this other person. He’s like:
Kyle (as bellhop)
No, I’m really sorry, the Q-BO machine is down and I’m not a robot, I don’t know what--what everything is. Yes, I know, please don’t have Mr. Funbuck fire me, please.
Kyle
And he starts kind of groveling a little bit more to these very frustrated patrons.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
But for a split second, give you a moment of déjà vu.
Hallie
Can I investigate that further? Can I roll like a--like a memory check? Like why they’re giving me déjà vu?
Kyle
Yeah, if you want.
[5:00]
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Alright. A twelve.
Kyle
You notice that one of them is wearing an ivory white hat and a red dress, and the other one, arm-in-arm, is wearing a top hat as tall as her torso, and a blue peacock suit. And you have never seen these people before, but their outfits look remarkably similar—
Hallie
To Tommy Funbuck and Lorraine.
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
Do I notice anyone else wearing these outfits?
Kyle
You do. In fact, you notice that almost everybody is wearing some variation of what appears to be the “in” outfit, with of course the notable exception of you and Misha.
Hallie
[In dread and quiet rage.] So everyone is dressed as Lorraine or as Tommy Funbuck. This is what you’re telling me.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
That is 100%—I’m going to say they were inspired by the fashion, but yes, they’re all terrible copycats.
Hallie
It’s like Disney bounding. It’s like Disney bounding Lorraine and Tommy Funbuck.
Kyle
It’s a weird fusion between cosplay and trying to follow the cool fashion that’s in right now.
Hallie
At seeing all the Lorraines, Hopper kind of, like, moves back against the coat check a little bit.
Ari
[Laughter.]
Hallie
But then doesn’t say anything. He’s visibly alarmed, but he’s not gonna talk about it.
Ari (as Misha)
I do believe that all of these people are dressed as Lorraine.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Yup. Looks that way. Did not expect this. Was prepared for one of them.
Kyle
And as you’re talking about that, both of you are covered in a little snow of glitter, as the person behind the coat check is fanning out a artificially glittered up copy of what seems to be Lorraine’s coat that she wears.
Hallie
God!
Kyle
And is putting it into a box, which they set on a conveyor belt that pushes itself back into a little coat closet room. And they turn over to you and they’re like:
Kyle (as coat check attendant)
Thank God, people I can remember. What are you checking in today? Or checking out, I don’t know. Please tell me you don’t have something to check out.
Hallie (as Hopper)
To check out? I do, actually. Is that--is that okay?
Kyle (as coat check attendant)
Depends. Is it another glitterbomb?
Hallie (as Hopper)
No.
Hallie
Do I have a coat check ticket? What is my information for getting things from the coat check?
Kyle
They’re going to turn and say:
Kyle (as coat check attendant)
Well, type it in the pad there—
Kyle
And you see that there is a flip—it looks like you know those little manual alarm clocks that would flip over to show the time?
Hallie
Mm-hmm.
Kyle
You see two of those, one of which where you can flip in your box number, and one where you can flip in the code.
Hallie
Okay. I definitely wrote down my box number in my extensive notes. Kyle, Hopper would have written down the box number in his extensive notes, so can I just have that?
Kyle
Yeah, you enter in the box number—let me double check what that is. It is—
Hallie
[Excitedly.] BTC!
Kyle
Yeah, check in box 2S, and you’re right; put in code BTC.
Hallie
I found it! World’s greatest detective.
Kyle
[Laughter.] And as you flip that over, you hear a little prize “ding, ding, ding!” A little box slides out of the conveyor belt, and the person working uses a couple of locks to open it up, like a couple of manual locks, and it poofs open, an explosion of glitter, and they just look at you—
Kyle (as coat check attendant)
[In utter, dull despair.] You lied. How...funny.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Ha, ha. Yes. That’s me, who knew what was in this coat check box and intentionally lied about it.
Kyle
He picks up the box, hands it to you, and you can see he’s visibly shaking with rage. He’s like:
Kyle (as coat check attendant)
No, no remorse? No regret?
Hallie
Oh, Hopper has to pretend to be like a 1% douchebag.
Tom
Ohhh.
Hallie
Hopper will shrug and say:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Not a lot.
Kyle
They look at you and look down, and you can see they’re holding a little crumpled piece of paper, which looks like it’s a handmade flyer for, uh, for an underground meeting of common workers. And they take that with new resolve and they leave the room.
Hallie
Okay. Good for them.
Kyle
And you take a look into the box, and you see that it is very glittery, ‘cause it has two things, one of which is a beautiful, elegant, overly glitzy dress and coat that looks--
Hallie
Oh no.
Kyle
Like a really poor imitation of Lorraine’s. It is conveniently exactly Elee’s size.
Hallie
[More vehemently than before.] Oh no!
Emily and Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
You then see a very tall, peacock blue suit, and a top hat that is so tall, because it looks like it fits the size of your pal Xoc.
Hallie
Hop will take them, and then, as an aside to Misha, be like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Well, they’ll have to deal with it.
Ari (as Misha)
I suppose so. I do wish that there were more of these masks for everybody.
Hallie
[Laughter.] Hopper will just say:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Well, we’ll have to live without them.
Kyle
And with that, you make your way into the main exhibit hall.
[Up-tempo, jazzy music begins.]
Kyle
So you walk through these doors, and the massive domed space in front of you pulses in tune to bouncy, electronic jazz, as the technicolor lights of Roulettia shine through floor to ceiling windows, spotlighting your entrance. A few steps down is a circular space full of sleek, ceramic inventions and overly enthusiastic presenters, gesturing and projecting, as if yelling for help from a far away plane. Starstruck tourists aimlessly meander from exhibit to exhibit, bumping into little floating pails filled with ice and bottled wine. These exhibits surround a massive platform, on top of which hums the massive, droning Tommy Funbuck robot float.
[Music stops briefly and transitions to mysterious, somber flute music.]
And as you get in, you get your first complication, because whatever plans you had, Hop, whatever your motivation was coming in, it immediately drops alongside your stomach, as you see the spitting image of Cartesian’s Dotwave.
[10:38]
[Music transitions to something more somber.]
Kyle
And we’re going to move over to Hop and Elee.
Tom and Hallie
Xoc and Elee?
Kyle
We’re going to move over to Xoc and Elee. Hop is everywhere.
Tom
Hop is everyone.
Hallie
He’s Hopniscient.
Everyone
[Laughter.]
Ari
[Gleefully] Hopniscient!
Kyle
Xoc and Elee—
[Elevator music begins.]
Kyle
You’re standing in a back room of the Fancy Tom’s Fancy Hats and JET.CO Combination Store. In front of you, a hotel employee with the nametag Fuzz Fuzz has just outfitted you with two hastily retrieved vests, neither of which fit you very well, and they both require improvised patches of dact tape to ensure that they actually stay on. You were able to quickly find folks to aid you, and a revolution is on its way to Tommy Funbuck’s front door. But you don’t have time to wait. By the time Roulettia falls, you’ll be long gone. I mean, that’s..the plan at least.
Tom (as Xoc)
Thank you again for helping us. We know it’s dangerous, if you’re caught, you know?
Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)
Meh.
Tom (as Xoc)
Okay then. How are we going to get in to the tower, then?
Kyle
They point to a little crappy elevator behind them—
[Elevator arrival noise sounds.]
Kyle
That you can see, as it opens up, isn’t actually an elevator, it’s just a staircase that’s been decorated to look like an elevator.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
And it looks like the staircase at bits is just ladders.
Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)
I mentioned this like two minutes ago; were you not paying attention?
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Tom (as Xoc)
Oh.
Emily (as Elee)
Yeah, Xoc, were you not paying attention?
Tom (as Xoc)
Uhhh….
Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)
That’s okay, I’m used to it.
Tom
Ahhhh…
Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)
Just earlier today, someone didn’t remember the mega deluxe awesome super fantastic package, and I had to repeat it multiple times. Please do not ask what it is, for even though I am a revolutionary, I am still contractually obligated to repeat all of the wonderful things you can get with that package.
Ari
Oh no.
Emily (as Elee)
So not to make this really dark, but I heard something about how Tommy Funbuck makes people eat some kind of non-disclosure agreement, and I was just wondering like, if you all are betraying him...are you going to end up getting—
Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)
Potentially. We’ve made a pact not to mention his name. Which is kind of a downer when you think about it, ‘cause he still has, like, control over us. But I think it’s worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m still going to scrape the last few morsels of scratch I can before this whole place falls apart.
Kyle
And with that, they very slowly walk back. It’s a revolution, but Fuzz Fuzz is still used to the practice of, “if I’m technically walking back to work, it doesn’t matter how fast I’m walking.”
Tom
Got to punch in that last time card before, you know, overthrowing the place.
Emily (as Elee)
Umm, should we just go then?
Tom (as Xoc)
Y-I-eh-yeah, let’s...climb.
Kyle
Give me a might roll! No, I’m not going to make you do that.
Tom
Oh, Xoc is—
Everyone
[Laughter.]
Tom
Xoc’s body is not prepared for a long climb, but that’s fine.
Hallie and Ari
[Laughter.]
Hallie
His stamina wheel is not very high yet.
Emily
I was considering asking Xoc if he needed to be carried.
Tom
No.
Kyle
Alright, so you make your way up this long, damp, moist, musky—what are some other terrible words I can use?
[The droning, ambient sound of wind or an empty chasm can be heard.]
Emily
Sopping? [Laughter.]
Kyle
This sopping—this just—it’s a--
Tom
It’s just like Kyle’s bathroom.
Emily and Tom
[Laughter.]
Emily
Yes!
Kyle
It’s more bathroom than elevator, and more swamp than bathroom. And when you get up, you find yourself in a little back room, actual bathroom space. And you see a sign that says “Employees must wash hands” above a sink, except the knobs on the sink are both missing and the soap is very empty.
Emily
Did we just come up a toilet? [Laughing.] I’m so confused as to what’s going on.
Tom
Did we really climb up a toilet, Kyle? Would you do that?
Kyle
No, it’s right in a bathroom. I’m trying to think of a justifiable place. Because they have to go up the elevator, but because it’s so gross they’ve got to wash their hands. So it’s next to the toilet, alright?
Tom
Okay.
Emily
I’m not going to wash my hands.
Kyle
I’m not guaranteeing nobody has used it as a toilet though. Like that is entirely possible.
Emily and Ari
[Distressed noises.]
Kyle
But there is a toilet, alright?
Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
I’m not that gross. This isn’t the mid-2000s and I’m not South Park.
Tom
Alright, alright. We’ve been in sewe--we’ve been in sewers before. This is nothing to us.
[15:01]
Kyle
Ehh.
Emily
New canon: Elee once lived in a sewer for three weeks.
Kyle
It’s true. You lived with a non-binary individual. Their name was Dave. That’s all that needs to be said about Dave, moving on.
Emily and Tom
[Laughter.]
Tom
Alright. I guess Xoc will step through the door.
Kyle
Alright. So you both step through the door through an entranceway that was not marked on the map, and I need you both to roll speed defense.
Tom
Woah-ho!
Emily
[Distressed exhalation.] It’s fine, everything’s fine.
[Dice rolling.]
Tom
Yeah, how does an eight do for me?
Emily
Speed defense. [Voice high and full of dread.] How’s a three do for me?
Hallie
Oh no.
Kyle
Elee goes out first and is swarmed by, like, a pack of gazelles.
Hallie
What?
Kyle
A dozen of these little, ice filled robots, just brushing all over her. You take no damage, but they all whirr with extreme alarm, and you look around and you find yourself in this very elaborately put together kitchen.
[Uptempo piano-driven music begins.]
Kyle
In the middle, you see this giant, multi-armed robot. Out of this core, it looks like there are 16 arms, like a double octopus, reaching around and grabbing things, picking up tables and reversing them. For example, yeah, instead of like, when it makes pancakes, instead of flipping over the thing itself, it just picks up the table the pancakes are on and flips the table above a different table on which pancakes can be cooked so that it can flip over like 50 pancakes at a time.
Hallie
I love it.
Kyle
So this whole room is becoming a mess as this machine is just moving and making exquisite things, and immediately the smell of the bathroom gives way to just the most beautiful and expensive smells you’ve ever smelled...related to food...specific—it’s a very specific smell the more I talk about it. I wanted it to be like a cosmic thing, but you just smell really fancy but also good food. So you are in the kitchen in the basement.
Tom
Alright. Are there any people in the kitchen, or is it just that double octopus robot and then the treadmills?
Kyle
Yeah, these mini pails—which, you’re right, they look like the picture of the baby treadmill that you saw in--that you saw in the photo of the Heroes of Navarene. So these mini-treadmills are flying around—
Emily
How big are they?
Kyle
They’re the size of a little garbage pail. They’re not big. They’re little cute buckets.
Emily
Oh okay, if they were tiny, I was going to spend an experience to have one nest in my hat.
Kyle
I mean, no, do you want to spend that experience?
[Whimsical, staccato string music begins.]
Emily
Yes. I have something to announce. Um, you know how I gave you all crap for hoarding experience?
Kyle
Goddamn it...Janet!
Emily
I didn’t realize that I—
Ari
[Laugh.]
Hallie
Wow.
Emily
Had like five XP.
Kyle
[Head in hands.] What the fuck?!
Hallie
The hypocrisy.
Emily
I didn’t realize!
Hallie
The sheer hypocrisy!
Emily
I know!
Hallie
Joke’s on you, Kyle—we’re all XP hoarders.
Tom
Except me!
Hallie
Except for Tom!
Kyle
It’s fine! Tom forgets his items. Literally doesn’t have them on his sheet. So.
Tom
It--it was on my sheet, and then that version of the sheet was deleted!
Emily
[Laughter.]
Tom
And I’ve now added it to my sheet!
Hallie
Whatever. Excuses. Just now?
Tom
No, earlier!
Ari
What?
Tom
When I was booting up my computer. It’s been off and restarting all day.
Hallie
Oh.
Ari
Oh, man.
Hallie
Whatever.
Hallie, Ari and Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
So you see these robots that have the TR8 model on them, and you see another one that, the T is the only thing visible, because [Voice gets higher, as if struck by something unbearably cute.] it’s just a tiny little thimble--
Tom
Awww...
Kyle
--That’s used for shots, and this little thimble just, like, hits you and gets stuck in your hat and seems to be wanting to go away, but eventually finds it comfortable and just kind of nests there.
Tom
Awwwwww.
Hallie
I love it.
Emily
[Unintelligible gleeful noise.]
Kyle
And because the other ones are called treadmill, they have the TR8. This one only has a T. So presumably, it could realistically be named Thimble.
Emily
Ohhh!
Kyle
Alright. And then you also see some human folks. Occasionally they’ll walk in and, like, duck their head as five plates get thrown to them and stack up perfectly. And then they’ll walk out of the front door. There’s a set of double doors. There’s also, you see a freight elevator to your right. When these doors open, you see a horde of the treadmill models and a couple of thimbles fly through. And then you also see some employees pick up nicer alcohol. So, uh, one set of double doors leads to some catering, and then the treadmills and thimbles and a couple of folks gravitate toward this freight elevator that leads to the bar in the exhibit hall.
Tom
Alright. Xoc—like Xoc is a little overwhelmed by all of the action and people. Like, granted he’s been in the city awhile now, so he’s gotten used to the masses of people, but just the intensity of the action here is a bit bewildering. But he’s going to remind himself why he’s there and start moving towards the doors that will lead out into, like, the larger area of the basement floor, to await Misha and Hopper.
Emily
I’m going to follow him and just briefly clap a hand on his shoulder.
Emily (as Elee)
Chill. It’s fine. I’ve got your back.
Tom (as Xoc)
Thank you, Elee Badge. I’m very glad you’re here with me.
Emily (as Elee)
[Uncomfortably.] Okay.
Emily
She can’t do any more emotion.
Hallie
[Laughter]
Emily
She’s just going to nod and not address that.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Emily
But there’s, like, there’s a nod.
[20:00]
Kyle
Very emotional nod, like the nod for—not--the Oscar nod.
[Dramatic piano music begins.]
Kyle
It’s in slow motion, dramatic music plays.
Tom
Oh no. No, not slow mo.
Kyle
Over it, like, the screen gets black and white and you hear Elee’s life story start to play out: When I was a young girl, I loved pony—I don’t know.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
But while this Oscar moment scene is happening, we’re going to get back to Hop and Misha. So you just stepped out onto the exhibit hall, you can see where everything is. So on your right, you see the doors to the auction house. To your left, you see the bar. In front of you are all the exhibits, and one of the big ones facing you is something that looks a lot like the Dotwave, which you can assume is Argent. And it looks like there’s a presenter and a lot of folks starting to flock around it.
Hallie
Okay. Hop will kind of nudge Misha a little bit and be like:
Hallie (as Hopper)
Hey, let’s give Xoc and Elee a couple more minutes to get in. Uh, I kind of want to see what Argent is like.
Ari (as Misha)
I am curious about this too.
Hallie
Alright, and then he’ll start moving towards the presentation.
[Fun, beachy guitar music begins.]
Kyle
You see one of those fountain projectors playing what looks like one of those family friendly ‘90s ads for Time Crisps. And you see these little kids eating the crisp and then going back in time and eating it more. And a line just says: “Time Crisps—so good you could eat them forever. Literally.”
Ari
Oh boy.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
And with that it falls down and there’s some tepid clappling. And suddenly, pfft, a very fancily dressed individual just appears on the stage, and they lean onto their pedestal and they say:
Kyle (as presenter)
Well good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much to Time Crisps for partnering with us today. Nanos, what have they done? A whole lot. Mastered the elements—
[Stirring piano music begins.]
Kyle (as presenter)
Mastered technology, mastered moving from place to place!
Kyle
And as he says that, you can see him pop over to a different part of the stand and take a different flashy pose.
Kyle (as presenter)
But as much as Nanos have been able to go from—
Kyle
And he pops back and you see his arms are around both of your shoulders—
Kyle (as presenter)
Going from place to place, one place they haven’t gone—
Kyle
And he’s back on stage.
Kyle (as presenter)
Is time itself. At least...not yet. We here at JET.CO with Time Crisps proudly introduce: Argent.
[Music transitions into a more futuristic, synthy jam.]
Kyle (as presenter)
Argent is your number way of getting things inside and outside of time, absolutely 100% guaranteed paradox free. Did you drop a piece of ice cream on the ground? Sure you could use a Time Crisp to go back in time and get it. What if you just flat out stole a copy of the ice cream stand itself from yesterday?
Hallie
[Unhappily.] Mmm.
Kyle (as presenter)
It’s like our tagline says: Argent pulls things out of its time and into yours. Now a little bit more on the specs here—
Kyle
And with that he’s going to keep on talking, but that kind of fades a little bit, because I want both of you to roll perception again.
[Die rolls.]
Ari
Four.
Hallie
Okay, wait, I’ve got to find my good die.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Another 12.
Kyle
Uh, Misha, you are not noticing anything. Why is nothing sticking out to you?
Ari
Because they are really confused as to how the things that they’re saying are not paradoxical. They are just in a loop of thinking, like
Hallie and Emily
[Laughter.]
Ari (as Misha)
Oh, but if they stole the ice cream from the ice cream stand from yesterday, then how did they get the ice cream in the first place for it to fall down?
Tom
[Laughter.]
Ari
So they are just in a spiral loop of thinking about paradoxes too long.
Tom
[Laughs harder.]
Kyle
Hop—
[Dramatic, menacing music begins.]
Kyle
You notice that the crowd around you is getting thicker and thicker, and you see a lot of guests, but you also see a lot of folks wearing the Manny Mantle costumes, which is the costume of the guard, and that’s weird because you know that guards only appear around workers. Like, they don’t want to spook the guests. But you notice, since some of these costumes are pretty ratty and junky, on shoulders, hands, legs, dozens of indented tattoos. You see some of raptors swooping downwards. Some of clocks. Some of serrated blades.
Tom
Oh my God.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
And as you’re looking around, you see all these hands raise up.
Hallie
They’re all raising their hands?
Kyle
Yes.
Hallie
Has the--has the--the presenter asked anything that the audience would raise their hands for?
Kyle (as presenter)
That’s right everybody, I’m having one lucky person come up and test this with me, right here and right now.
Hallie
Hopper also raises his hand.
Ari
Oh, if that’s the case than Misha also does that.
Kyle (as presenter)
Wow, we have a lot of interesting folks here tonight. But I’m interested in—
Kyle
And he looks at Misha and does a lot of mental math.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
And then is like, so overwhelmed with emotion that he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just turns over to person left of Misha and says:
Kyle (as presenter)
You, sir! Do you want to come up here and, uh, and--and--uh, test this out with me?
Hallie
I don’t know, Hopper nods and starts making his way through the crowd.
Kyle
You make your way up to the crowd, and he’s like
Kyle (as presenter)
Alright, sir. What is your name?
Kyle
And as he does this, by the way, he poofs over and he’s learning on your arm. He’s like
Kyle (as presenter)
What is your name, friend?
Hallie (as Hopper)
[Strained.] It’s … Peter …
Tom and Ari
[Laughter]
Hallie (as Hopper)
... Jones.
All
[Laughter.]
Kyle
So Peter Jones?
Hallie
[Laughing inhalation.] Yup.
Kyle (as presenter)
Alright Mr. Jones. As you can see here, we’ve got three platforms—
Kyle
And you can see three humming baseball base sized platforms that are kind of suction cupped to the ground.
Kyle (as presenter)
These three platforms have set up a grid.
Kyle
And you can see this kind of crackling lines of light line between them, and you can see the ground between them is starting to shimmer.
[25:12]
Kyle (as presenter)
Now unfortunately we can’t move this and test this just anywhere in Roulettia, but I’ve been assured that this location is pretty safe and has had some pretty cool stuff put on it. So, is there any time you want me to pull from?
Hallie
Uh, oh no.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Um, how about, uh, two hours ago?
Kyle (as presenter)
Sounds good to me. Hopefully they weren’t setting up at this time, because trying to pull Argent? One paradox you might get. Heheheheh. Anyways—
Hallie
That’s kind of what I want it to do.
Kyle (as presenter)
Let’s kick it!
Hallie
Damn it!
Kyle
And he slides in a block on this giant Jenga tower that looks identical to the Dotwave, and it starts to crackle with more and more light, and the room hums and the lights inside of the space start to fade a little bit. And even you can see the lights on the walls of Roulettia themselves are flickering in and out—
[Futuristic, mechanical whirring as the Argent device comes to life.]
Kyle
They’re dimming, until eventually you hear a pop, and all the lights go out. And I need you to roll speed defense, five times.
Tom
Oh no!
Emily
Nooooo!
Hallie
[Horrified.] Five times? No! That’s what I was trying to avoid. I was like, oh I could get Q-BO, and I was like, no, we are very outnumbered, I don’t want that.
Emily
[Anguished crying.]
Hallie
Alright.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
The first one was eleven.
Kyle
Okay.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Second was eight.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
A twelve.
Kyle
Okay.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
A nineteen.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
And a 20.
Tom
Ohh!
Kyle
You succeeded twice. But you succeeded so exceptionally I’m going to say you succeeded four times.
Hallie
Yes!
Kyle
So during this complication, as the lights go out, you feel winds and rushing, as a handful of hands brush past and on top of you. And you hear them bumping into each other as you’re deftly moving around and colliding, some of them so clumsy that they’re hitting each other. But you do hear a rip, and when the lights go on, you see a handful of the Manny Mates rushing down a hallway to your left. That’s going to be one of your bonuses. But besides that, the audience is severely thinned, and there is not a guard, besides the ones running away, in sight. And the guy next to you is just like—
Kyle (as presenter)
Well heheh, you know, something this powerful still takes a lot of energy. It’s a work in progress. But still, pretty neat, right? Alright, thanks so much, Peter. That’s going to be the rest of our demonstration for today. Remember, buy Time Crisps.
Hallie
Um, um, yeah, okay. Hopper, he’s going to go in the direction of—he’s going to signal to Misha and then go in the direction of the people. I’m not trying to catch them, I just want to, like, sneak up on them.
Ari
Misha is going to follow.
Hallie
Or not trying to chase them down—I want to get within eavesdrop range.
Kyle
Alright. You go through a hallway. On your right is the bathrooms, on the left is the auction hall, and around the corner you see a semi-spiraling staircase that walks down to the bottom floor. And on top of it, you see two guards trying to look professional, but like,
Kyle (as first guard)
[Satisfied.] Pfft we totally got it. We got it! ...D-did you get it?
Kyle
And the other person is like:
Kyle (as second guard)
[Even more satisfied.] Yeah, I got it. I got it.
Kyle
And they take out—they hold out a piece of ripped paper, and they stick it in their breast pocket and they’re like—we got it. We got it!
Hallie
Okay. And he’s got a piece of paper and he just sticks it in his breast pocket?
Kyle
Yeah, a piece of ripped paper.
Hallie
Ripped paper. Okay.
Kyle
Pretty--pretty wide. Pretty thick.
Hallie
Alright. Hold up a second. My character sheet is on my other computer, I just remembered, so I have to pull that up.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie
Okay, what Hopper wants to do, I want to bump into the guy and then casually pickpocket him.
Kyle
Okay.
Hallie
I’m double-checking if I have literally anything that will help me do that.
Ari
I could distract him while you pickpocket him.
Hallie
Oh yes! Let’s do that. Actually, Hopper is going to whisper to Misha:
Hallie (as Hopper)
We should see whatever he got. Can you distract them, and then I’ll try to see if I can’t sneak it out?
Ari (as Misha)
I do believe I will try to do so, yes.
Ari
And then Misha is going to try and look for that Datasphere for some sort of way to be able to entertain humans. Like how to entertain humans is what they’re going to look up--
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Ari
--but I want to twist this into integrating my storytelling technique.
Hallie
I love it!
Kyle
So you access the Datasphere and you pull in these things, and it starts with the sound of a crackling fire—
[Sounds mirroring Kyle’s narration play.]
Kyle
And you hear people telling stories in this echoey, cave-like space, and eventually it changes to music—
[Disney-esque music begins.]
Kyle
And you see people moving and dancing on stage, and then images start to pop up. You see these images, these images of like a wolf and these three houses popping up as if on cardboard and then sliding back down again. You see pictures moving in sequential order. And you see a fusion of all of these and you see languages and words spoken. Some are slow and steady, some are to the rhythm of music. Some are fast and rhythmic and--and passionate. And as all of that fades away, you’re now really good at all kinds of storytelling.
Ari
Excellent.
Kyle
Basically, you could run this podcast. Fuck it, Misha, go!
[30:00]
Ari
Oh boy! Misha can, but I can’t. So, um, okay, so Misha is going to turn to Hop and say—
Ari (as Misha)
I believe I got this.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Ari
And then they are going to approach the guards and say:
Ari (as Misha)
Oh, excuse me, humans, but have you heard of the girl that encountered a wolf earlier this evening?
Kyle (as first guard)
Yeah well, I ain’t afraid of no wolf!
Kyle (as second guard)
Yeah, we’re not afraid of any—we’re--we’re tough!
Kyle (as first guard)
I am a wolf!
Kyle
And you realize that person who is wearing the Mantle costume, they probably have no idea what the fuck a wolf is. Because a wolf is like a dog, and we have it as canon that dogs no longer exist.
Ari
It is true.
Kyle
But no, they--they--they think it’s terrifying. They know a wolf is scary.
Ari
Okay. Alright. So by that, Misha is going to, a story is going to pop into their mind and they’re going to be like:
Ari (as Misha)
Well, I do believe you should be, because I happen to know of a tale of a boy that kept not being afraid of a wolf and ended up in very unfortunate circumstances. I will, if you wish, tell it to you.
Kyle (as first guard)
No, you know, I--I don’t really need to hear that story. That’s not important.
Kyle (as second guard)
Hey--hey, hey man, listen—we don’t want to be like this kid, alright?
Ari (as Misha)
Yes, I do believe you need to listen to all of it, because otherwise the wolf that ate the girl earlier this evening—or last evening—whatever I mentioned the date was—will get you as well.
Kyle (as first guard)
Well shit, I’m not no girl!
Kyle (as second guard)
Well no man, but Carol is! We’ve got to keep Carol safe.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
And then they are in rapt attention. I’m going to say since you’re helping out Hop, you don’t have to roll to succeed on this, because this is—you’re essentially aiding with his roll. So you have their rapt attention, and their backs are—you’re at the top of the stairs, and so their backs are actually—their backs are to--their backs are facing you, Hop. That was the words I was thinking of and couldn’t make with my mouth.
Hallie
Okay.
Ari
So Misha is going to start basically telling the story of the boy who cried wolf. And as they start saying that, they’re going to motion to Hop.
Hallie
So it’s in his front breast pocket, or it was in his back pocket?
Kyle
It’s in one of their pockets—I—jus--fu--[Laughter.]
Ari
I hope it’s a back pocket, because—
Hallie
Let’s have it be a back pocket.
Ari
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Okay, cool! It’s in a back pocket. Yeah, it’s in one of their back pockets.
Hallie
Okay. Hopper’s not trained in pickpocketing and everything, but he is trained in stealth. Can I?
Kyle
Okay, I’ll let that pass. I’ll let that pass.
[Mysterious music, the kind of tune that indicates someone is sneaking about, begins.]
Hallie
Woo! Alright.
Kyle
You better succeed with this.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Hallie
He’s just going to Skyrim sneak up behind him now and—[Devolves into laughter.]
Kyle
Don’t invoke video games like Skyrim because that means if you fail, literally everyone will try to kill you.
Hallie
Kyle, no! Alright, okay.
[Die rolls.]
Hallie
Natural 20.
Tom
Woah!
Ari
Damn.
Kyle
So you’re going to get the thing, but is there any bonus you want, like anything else you might want to get, or anything you want to have happen?
Hallie
Uh, I wasn’t prepared for actually succeeding at this.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I would like—if there’s anything else useful that could fall out of his pockets when I’m doing this, could I get an extra thing?
Kyle
Yeah, I’m asking you what thing do you want?
Hallie
Oh, I don’t know.
Kyle
Give me a thing!
Hallie
I don’t know what the mystery is!
Kyle
You are part of this story!
Hallie
I want—I want another checklist of things that they’re doing, or, like, names. Can I have a list of names of the other Jagged Dream members who are here tonight, just in case we need to know?
Kyle
Yeah. So you get—so it comes out, you get two things. The first thing you get is a page from your Atlas, and it is a page chronicling the important events in Qi’s history.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
The other thing that you get out of it is you get that list, and it seems to almost be a shipping chart.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Like there are quadrants and theories and lines between people.
Hallie
Yesss.
Kyle
And there’s a bunch of names—you get to choose what name you want to adopt. But all of them seem to converge around one name: Chris Prevansworth-Pine.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Yess. And then I’m just going to sneak away back to where I was before, so that Misha can see that he did--he did his thing.
Kyle
Cool. I think it’s time to move back to Hop and Elee since we’ve been around with—
Everyone But Kyle
Xoc and Elee!
Kyle
Fuck!
Ari
Why do you keep messing our names?!
Kyle
I don’t know!
Hallie
Hop’s just hopping everywhere tonight!
[Fast-paced electronic music begins.]
Kyle
Hello, and welcome to the announcement break for episode 31 of Quest Friends: Questionable Measures Part 13! I am Kyle, your GM, and we’re just going to talk for like a minute or so about just some random announcements. Some announcement stuff. So, as usual, our intro song is “Friends” by Miracle of Sound. You can find a link to that and some of the other songs below. Three quick announcements for you today. The first announcement is that our players actually used a map for this heist. They actually were working off of a map, which I think I cut all the references to it, but there might be a couple of references in there. If you want to see the map they were looking at and kind of play along at home, the link to that map can be found below. It can also be found at questfriendspodcast.com, our website, which about a few weeks ago got a massive overhaul and renovation. It’s now cleaner, it’s easier to go places. For example, our episode summaries page has been condensed down into one page, so now it’s just super easy to see what you need to see. And our about page has been really renovated and focused on explaining what is our show, what are we about, and also providing suggested first episodes. So if you know someone and you’re like hey, I want you to start this show and you don’t know where to start them, I have some recommendations based on their preferences there. So that was the second announcement. And finally, the last announcement is just announcing that our schedule is now going to be every other week starting today. This was, as you can see, a particularly long episode for us, so it took a little bit more time editing, and because of that I was a week late. I’m just going to start with this week moving on with my goal of being able to kind of get ahead of the game. So with that said, we’ve got a lot of heist left to go. But as for our episode after the heist, our next episode will be released on Monday, February 25th. I will see you then.
[36:10]
[Fast-paced electronic music resumes.]
Kyle
Xoc and Elee, you walk through a pretty nice, elegantly put together hallway, like one that would be attached to the ballroom because it’s attached to the ballroom. On your left, there are a couple of rooms, there is a green room, and then you see a room for Ms. Stiles, and you see a room for Mr. ? ? ?, and then just in smaller font, “We know his first name is Vespari, but that’s it.”
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
You see some doors leading into a ballroom in front of you, and then on your right you see a doors that lead to a kind of buffet area. You actually see a couple of Jagged Dream members as you come out, walk out of the ballroom and then down near the buffet area, being like:
Kyle (as first Jagged Dream member)
Uh, I didn’t get it. But we totally got it!
Kyle (as second Jagged Dream member)
Yeah, we got it!
Kyle
And they keep walking.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
As the carts go through, you see in addition to the buffet area, there’s just a very thin, very spooky looking hallway. You know the one spooky hallway everyone had in their public high school?
Hallie and Tom
[Laughter.]
Kyle
That had that flickering light, and you were never sure if anyone went down there, or if it’s been used in the past 60 years? You do see that as well.
Tom
Uh, in that case, Xoc might just hang around in the hallway, like—
Kyle
We’re off to a rip-roaring adventure, everybody.
Tom
[Stuttering sounds of protest.]
Kyle
Standing in hallways.
Tom
Th--this is a place we said we were going to meet up, we’re at the--at the location, we’re in position.
Emily
I’m going to glance over at Xoc and say:
Emily (as Elee)
What if we just went for it?
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Elee)
What if we just went for the dressing room now?
Tom (as Xoc)
Ugh. Mm. The only thing—oh! I don’t have to worry about that.
Tom
Xoc—
Emily (as Elee)
Xoc, were you thinking that we couldn’t tell them?
Tom
N-no--shh--Tom, Tom definitely didn’t forget that he has a constant mental link.
Hallie and Emily
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Elee)
Xoc.
Ari
What?
Tom
Xoc will just send a message Misha’s way and say:
Tom (as Xoc)
Misha Jarvis, we’re in position in the--in the basement floor between the kitchen and the ballroom. Elee is suggesting that maybe we should just go for Lorraine’s dressing room and try to start our climb. Do you and--do you and Hopper think that’s a good idea?
Ari
Question: At what time point did Misha receive this?
Kyle
You’re telling the story.
Ari
So I was--I was mid-telling the story.
Kyle
You are mid telling the story.
Tom
Oh dear.
Ari
Okay. Um.
Kyle
If you want to respond, we can say that Misha just pauses for a second, and the folks you’re talking to are like:
Kyle (as first guard)
No, but then what--but then what happened to the girl? What happened to the girl? We need to know!
Kyle
So they’re just thinking that you’re being super dramatic as you respond to Xoc.
Ari
Okay. So, okay, when Misha receives that, they are going to stutter a bit, but then they’re going to be like:
Ari (as Misha)
And I would like you to think, what did you think happened to this--to this boy? Just think for a second.
Ari
And then they’re going to like, keep that dramatic pause. And then they’re going to reply to Xoc:
Ari (as Misha)
I trust you and Elee B. So if you think that’s for the best, then you should do it.
Tom (as Xoc, telepathically to Misha)
Okay … s-seuh-see you soon!
Tom
And then Xoc will say:
Tom (as Xoc)
Alright then, Elee, I guess we can go in.
Kyle
So you walk down the hallway, you walk past the green room, you see Vespari’s room, you can see him just talking to it sounds like nobody on the other hand. He’s like:
Kyle (as the Great Vespari)
Well I did that sketch earlier today! Yes, I know the boy ruined it, but that’s why I need to reclaim it! It needs to be my trick!
Tom
Xoc will stick out his tongue as he walks by and proceed to Lorraine’s room.
Kyle
Sounds good. The room’s so nice, you guys. It’s so nice. There are like, half a dozen of the lipstick kisses. The room is literally overflowing with bouquets that fans have sent her. You see a couple of dresses in a closet, and this big, long, wide mirror. You actually see—
[Wistful piano music begins.]
Kyle
Some look like our newspaper clippings, some are a bit more interactive, some are for kids—you see basically reports from all around the Steadfast chronicling all the times she was supposedly humiliated by Hopper Scotch. Hero Saves Town! Hero Stops Dastardly Villain! Lorraine Stiles On the Run Again! And then to your left you see a spir