Ep. 32: Questionable Measures, Part 14
Updated: Apr 29, 2019
Lorraine's won. What now?
Listen as our heroes:
SUIT up in spandex!
POKE a particularly dangerous bear!
SAY goodbye (and hello)!
Check out ExQueerience Points: http://www.exqueeriencepoints.com/
TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version):
Kyle
Cartesian bled.
[Dramatic beat.]
Kyle
Its short time spent by a detective too focused on hot-headed rivalry, the village sought out any remedy within arm's reach, and like a bloodletting doctor of old, she offered a solution that was costly, yes, but unchallenged.
Cartesian had no choice but to give Lorraine Stiles her first victory over Hopper Scotch, and she had no choice but to take it. Lorraine traveled across the Steadfast, a trail of apathetically spent shins marking her footsteps. In those years, she made legacies, and it was all so dreadfully boring. Lorraine could do anything. Many would argue she did everything, but it wouldn't change the one stinging truth: Hop had failed. All these years, had they really been a lie? No, no. Lorraine had promised herself she had forged the perfect rival in Hopper Scotch, and Lorraine Stiles always kept her promises.
[Energetic, jazzy detective-esque music begins.]
So, she would set up a test, just like the one she had made for him all those years ago. A theft would come first, something small, something simple. Gaining Hopper's attention, that was the more attracting of a challenge. He was cautious, even more so after his failure at Cartesian, but for the first time in a long time, he had liabilities. Three fellow adventurers, for whom Lorraine had no interest, but who could be motivated where Hopper would not.
And so Lorraine got to work. She found her target. A small informational robot named Q-BO would be easy enough to steal. She tied her bait--an obscure atlas was a small thing the trade in exchange for access to the Jagged Dreams secrets--and she laid her trap. Simply planting the blueprints in Hopper's hotel room would be enough to incriminate him, but informing the Jagged Dream of these blueprints would embroil him even further.
And then, she waited.
She waited as Hopper took his first steps into Roulettia. She waited as he accepted her job, and then promptly planned to sabotage it. She waited as he found the blueprints, as he stole the atlas, as his friends sparked a revolution and made an enemy of every single piece of power in Roulettia. Lorraine Stiles waited for her plan to fail, for all her months of scheming to crumble in exhilarating embarrassment.
And as the minutes tick closer to that final hour, when the trap would finally spring and she would claim her second victory over Hopper Scotch, Lorraine wondered:
[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
If Hop failed...he wouldn't, but if he did...
No. It wasn't worth considering. After all, there were some possibilities that even Lorraine Stiles found impossible.
[Opening theme intensifies.]
Kyle
A deep impact echoes through the metal archways holding up Q-BO's dome prison, while single skylight illuminates Regular Bob's four twitching fangs all raised in a uniform --
Kyle (as Regular Bob)
[Low, unsettling hiss.]
Kyle
One floor down, the siren song of Roulettia's Tenth World Auction sings out to excited elites, who push past Misha into the auction house. And further down from that, down, down near the core of the Ninth World itself, Hopper Scotch's dropped stomach continues to plummet. You've been duped. Lorraine has won. It's time to run, or it's time to fight.
Let's roll initiative.
Hallie
I'm perfectly calm. [Strained.] It's fine.
[Several dice roll.]
Emily and Tom
[Gasping.]
Tom
Yesss!
Hallie
Aw, come on.
Tom
Yess!
Emily
These are …
Tom
Ohhh yes. Ohhh sweet Jesus, this was the make-or-break moment. I needed to win initiative or just die.
Ari
[Laughter.] Did you roll a nat 20, Tom?
Tom
A 19, but I think that'll be good enough.
Ari
Oh nice.
Hallie
Boo.
Kyle
Okay, so, uh, Tom rolled a 19, Emily an 18, Hallie and Ari?
Ari
I rolled a seven.
Hallie
I rolled a two.
Emily
[Disappointed.] Ohhh.
Hallie
Off to a good start. [Laughter.]
Tom
Off two a good start?
Hallie
Eyyyyy! [Exclamation trails off into a groan.]
Kyle
All right, so Xoc and Elee, just a kind of reminder of where you are.
[Peaceful, mysterious searching music plays.]
You are in Q-BO's domed little prison, I guess is what you would call it. So you've got metal archways with a bunch of cords tangled around them, a single skylight at the top of the dome, kind of like an observatory but smaller, shines in the bright lights Roulettia down onto a floor mosaic which has been cracked, but your entrance way has been covered by Regular Bob.
Behind this creature with a blank expressionless face, you see the hallway of death, the one that you expertly avoided by just going underneath, and you are currently standing away from the mosaic on top of the raised platform to Q-BO, or...what you thought was Q-BO.
[5:00]
Tom
So Xoc immediately casts Resonance Field.
[Music turns to dramatic, mystical choral music, Xoc’s wizarding theme.]
Xoc will hold out his staff in front of them, and a sort of network of interlocking glowing lines will cover his entire body and the staff, and hum there for a second and then fade. And when they do, the staff begins floating on its own around Xoc's body, slowly twirling end-over-end. And Xoc will, as he like weaves his defensive magic about himself, he'll drop into like a sort of combat pose and begin, like, charging up his gloves.
Resonance Field allows me to treat speed defense attacks as intellect defense--actually it doesn't even specify speed defense. It just says whenever a creature with an immediate range makes an attack, a pattern energizes to block the attack and I'm flavoring that as using my staff.
Kyle
Cool. And you said if it's the creature in immediate range, right?
Tom
Yes.
Kyle
Cool. Uh...
[Mystical music ends.]
Tom
Fuck you.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Tom
Fuck you!
Kyle
[Laughs harder.]
Tom
I know exactly what you're doing. You already gloated about your plans.
Kyle
[Laughs louder.]
Tom
That's why I was freaking out about initiative. I need this to not die and I still might.
Kyle
All right. Elee, it is your turn.
Tom
[Whispering.] Fuck him up!
Kyle
I don't know what you're talking about, he's just standing there. I don't know why you were being so aggressive.
Tom
He's got two swords, right?
Kyle
They're not out yet.
Emily
[Indignant.] He's baring his fangs, Kyle.
Kyle
He is. They snap.
Emily
He--y-you said he was crouched in, like, an attack position.
Kyle
Maybe he just wants to play rugby.
Tom
Look, here's the thing. Among all of us, Elee is the first person who would stab someone first, ask questions later.
Hallie
That's true.
Emily
Yeah, so I would like to use the skill thrust. I hope I have… [Trails off away from the microphone.]
Tom
It lets you add one point of damage to a stabbing or piercing or, like, cutting or stabbing attack, at the cost of one might point.
Emily
[Gasps.] My hero! Okay, and I want to put in one level of effort.
Tom
Hit him with everything you've got, please. Oh God, fuck him up.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Emily
Four?! Wait. Can I use experience to re-roll?
Kyle
How many do you have?
Emily
A lot.
Hallie
Do it!
Kyle
Jesus Christ! How do you have six now?
Emily
I--I, uh--I apologized! I mentioned it last time, I apologized.
Kyle
Yes, you can use it.
Hallie
Do it!
Kyle
Yeah. Okay. So how do you--how does this experience help you kind of reattempt this attack?
Emily
Um, I kind of...whiff past, and then my rage heightens and so does my confidence.
[Dice roll.]
16.
Kyle
All right, 16. Uh, yeah, you're going to dig into this boy for seven points of damage. All right, how do you hurt this boy?
[Hard rock anime fight music swells.]
Emily
So it's a little bit anime, like where you just run forward with your fist held out, but when she punches, there's blades. And once she hits, she says,
Emily (as Elee)
I'm going to be really good at this. I recently gained a skill in babysitting.
Kyle
[Laughter.] That's amazing.
Hallie, Tom and Kyle
[Laughter.]
Tom
Love it.
Kyle
All right, so you cut through them, and I would say you even cut through one of his four fangs, which splits open, and now he has five.
Emily
What? What?
Kyle
There's no mechanical benefit--
Emily
What? No!
Kyle
--I just thought it would be metal as shit.
Hallie
That feels like a GM intrusion and like she should get her XP back.
Kyle
No, there is no mechanical benefit to it, is purely--anyways.
Emily
Elee says,
Emily (as Elee)
Shit.
Kyle
Fangs can't smile, but you would imagine the--
Kyle (as Regular Bob)
[Menacing groan.]
Kyle
Has a bit of a happier tone to it. Like--
Kyle (as Regular Bob)
[Longer, maybe slightly happier, menacing groan.]
Kyle
Okay, that was creepy.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
But he will start biting the air a little bit out of fury, and he will whip over and try to bite you, Elee. And I need you to roll speed defense.
Emily
I would like to put in two levels of effort for speed defense. Two. Twooo!
Tom
Ohhh nooo!
Ari
Oh nooo...
Hallie
No, nooo! [Laughter.]
Kyle
He whips through the air, and actually, as your hand gets out, you notice that it has just been glomped on to by this, like, biting hand, and you're Elee Badge. That means nothing, right? It bites down, and you barely feel--you feel just a-a-a tinge. After your armor, you only feel two points of damage.
[Dramatic beat.]
But you feel the venom.
Tom
[Horrified.] Ohhh noooo!
Kyle
A mild paralytic venom, and it will increase the difficulty of all your actions by one step, if you fail a might defense role. So, at the start of your turn you're going to have to do that might defense role.
Emily
[Strained.] Yay.
Kyle
And then from there, we're going to move down one floor. And we're going to see that everyone has pushed past Misha Jarvis and has now entered the hall, and Misha, you can hear Lorraine Stiles being introduced and starting to sing this performing tune for everyone. And kind of I'm curious, like, what do you do? Because unlike Hop, you don't have a hundred percent, like, clear definition that everything has gone--
Ari
Yes.
Kyle
Fucking shits up.
Ari
Um, well, I think my first instinct would be to reach to Xoc and ask what's going on. So Misha is going to be like,
Ari (as Misha)
Xoc. It appears to me that the auction is going to take place. Has Q-BO been rescued yet?
Tom (as Xoc)
[Explosions, gunfire, and sounds of war play in the background.]
Misha Jarvis, everything has gone wrong. Q-BO's not up here. It was a trap set by Lorraine. Ah, try to find Q-BO.
[Combat noises stop.]
[10:05]
Hallie and Ari
[Laughter.]
Ari (as Misha)
Ah, well, I will do my best. A-are you safe?
Tom (as Xoc)
[Explosions, gunfire, and sounds of war play in the background.]
I think so.
[Combat noises stop.]
Kyle, Hallie, and Emily
[Uncontrollable laughter.]
Tom
Xoc lies.
Ari
I hate you. What do you keep lying to me?
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Tom
I guess this is gonna have to come bite me next chapter.
Ari
It will. Okay.
Kyle
I mean, like, Regular Bob is right there. It might bite you in one turn.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Tom
Xoc’s just going to say,
Tom (as Xoc)
[Explosions, gunfire, and sounds of war play in the background.]
Just focus on getting Q-BO, we can--we can take care of us here.
[Combat noises stop.]
Ari
Misha's going to nod, and be like,
Ari (as Misha)
It--it--it is fine, Xoc. I trust you.
Ari
And then they will...I guess they will follow the crowd?
[Instrumental electro swing music, the score of Lorraine’s song, plays.]
Kyle
All right. So Misha, you walk into the room and you see...a show. Lorraine is in front and she is doing superb, like she is an expert singer. She isn't breaking a sweat. She's got a smile, but for the first time, her--her fake smile doesn't seem fake in a menacing way, it feels fake almost in a sad way? You see people in the audience. They're just sitting down in the chairs. A couple of folks are standing up and like, just, you know, fist-pumping to this electro-swing music, and you see Lorraine in the front in this beautiful dress, with this large hat that her hair is tucked up inside of.
And behind her and in between the aisles, you see doing a perfect synchronized dance, a total of twelve gray-eyed Misha Jarvises in glorious, glittering spandex, and they are dancing. They're dancing their fucking hearts out doing a hardcore, like, synchronized jazzercise routine to the song.
[Electro swing music fades.]
Ari
All right. Well at that then, Misha is going stand really still, and they can't really process what they're seeing, and then they are going to, a little bit hesitantly, approach one of the androids that’s in the aisles. And, and after a moment of, just, hesitancy, they are going to be like,
Ari (as Misha)
[Slowly, hesitation in each word.] Salutations. E-excuse me, but what is your nomenclature?
Kyle
Okay. So the Misha Jarvis takes a look at you, and after a moment, says,
Kyle (as Jazzercise Misha)
[A beat.]
New backup language acquired! Salutations. Salutations!
Kyle
And they start singing salutations along to the beat of the song, and they keep dancing.
Ari
Misha's going to...uh, they're going to, like, clench their fist a little bit. Like, they're really distressed, and a little bit insulted, and they are going to grab the android, and they are going to be like,
Ari (as Misha)
It appears to me that you are required in a different place. I come here as a replacement. You are no longer needed.
Ari
Is there a place where, like, there's not a lot of people, like it's semi-secluded?
Kyle
Literally--like you've got some workers on the exhibition floor, but literally everybody is kind of in the auction, so nobody really cares. Like any place except for, uh, except for the auction is fair game.
Ari
Okay, so I want to take them then to just like a corner or something where people are not present.
Kyle
Okay. Do you like grab them somewhere?
Ari
I was picturing, um, grabbing their hand.
Kyle
So you see that they grab their hand with their other hand and start pulling it as like a new impromptu dance move. They seem to be listening to whatever you're saying as instructions for dance. All right, so you--you take this out of the room, and then we will figure out why you did that on your next turn.
[Jazzy detective music begins to play.]
So we are going to move one floor down as you walk out of the room the camera goes down one more floor, and we see Hop. So Hop, you still got handful of dancers around you. But as soon as Lorraine left, the rest of them started to filter out too. The only things you really have to keep you company are these fake Tommy Funbuck clothes. You don't even have your hat, that's somewhere on the floor, and then you can see there are still a couple of guards trying to find you and your friends kind of throughout the dance floor. So, everyone else, I asked what they're doing, but for you I ask, how is Hop feeling right now?
Hallie
He's not looking good. Hopper has been left absolutely shaken by that conversation with Lorraine. So when she walked away he would have just kept standing there, like in the pose that he was in when they were dancing, and he wouldn't have moved for a while. But because she heavily implied that Xoc and Elee were in some sort of immediate danger, he's gonna try to shake himself out of that and then start running towards them, towards the dressing room, because that's where the spiral staircase to get up it is.
But then he'll remember on his way there: no, no, they climbed up that using things but I don't have. So then he'll do an about-face and go towards the elevator, the death elevator, because he remembers that when Misha read the fancy tech language, two of the three traps didn't affect him, and the other one was a quiz. And if he's going to have to face a death elevator, a quiz is at the top of Hopper's preferred challenges.
Kyle
[Chuckles.]
Hallie
So he's gonna head that way. You said the hat's on the floor?
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
Okay, so he will run and then he'll stop ‘cause he'll see the hat on his way, and he'll make a motion to go pick it up from the floor. And then he doesn't. And he continues on his way.
[Detective music stops.]
[15:02]
Tom
[Gasps.] Noooo.
Emily
Nooo!
Ari
[Horrified.] What?!
Hallie
Hopper Scotch is hatless. Well, he's got the Tommy Funbuck hat.
Kyle
But it's--it’s a worse hat.
Hallie
It's a significantly worse hat.
Kyle
In every way. So you make that run, and, uh, as soon as you get closer to the elevator, the hallways become a lot less gaudy, glimmering, and glamorous…
[Humorous, light, flute sneaking music plays.]
And more like that one really shady back hallway everyone had in their public elementary school--
Hallie
Yep.
Kyle
--that is just like cement and one flickering light. And it's really echo-y? And you start walking down that, and before you hit the corner where you'll see the elevator, I'm assuming you kind of look and peer around before just like barging in and being like hey, what's up?
Hallie
He's present enough to be like, I gotta do this carefully. Yes.
Kyle
All right, so you turn around and you see a costumed aneen which is holding Q-BO, but it's got this giant flaming V on it and it's just kind of like trying to like, lean in the air as hard as it can in like a cool, flirtatious manner. And then you see this really confused blond man in like elevator, like--like in a service outfit, just kind of puzzled looking at the aneen, and they just seem to be talking about stuff. So you hear the aneen in a muffled voice being like,
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Oh, no I--I, uh, I actually won t-shirt dynamite, like I hear that's the most dynamite thing around. Yeah, wouldn’t you agree Chris?
Kyle
And the blond boy just like shakes--he just like looks really confused and is like,
Kyle (as blonde man)
Uh, I--I guess.
Kyle
So yeah, you have that aneen who's flirting with Chris Prevensworthpine, and they seem to be the one who's going to bring up V-BO. And actually Chris says,
Kyle (as Chris Prevensworthpine)
Wait, aren’t--aren't you supposed to put that thing up? Like, isn't it supposed to be put up already?
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] No, it's--it’s--we can wait. It'll be fine.
Kyle
V-BO, who is supposed to agree with you, is like,
Kyle (as V-BO)
Yeah, dude, it'll be totally fine.
Hallie
[Laughter.] God, I hate V-BO so much.
Kyle
So they're in the room next to the elevator that helps raise it up. So, what are you going to do to get past these guys?
Hallie
All right. Well Hopper would consider just asking if he could use the elevator but this is like, what are the...okay. [Voice distant as she reaches for something, a crash, and a screech.] Oh no, my board fell! I haven't taken it apart yet. Um, Hopper will say,
Hallie (as Hopper)
Oh, you're Chris? Chris, someone over there really needs you.
Kyle
[Contemplative.] Roll me--
Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
--persuasion.
Hallie
I am skilled in this.
Tom
Shouldn't it be deception, though?
Kyle
Deception, persuasion, [Voice turns delighted.] yeahhh.
Hallie
[In dread.] No, Kyl..I'm not, I'm not--
Kyle
Let's do persuasion. Let's give Hop a break. Also Chris is very trusting.
Hallie
Yeah.
[Dice roll.]
Tom
Okay.
Hallie
Well, that's a four, so that didn't go well for me.
Emily
[Wheeze of laughter.]
Kyle
The aneen is going to turn over and be like,
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] [Slowly, with suspicion.] Reeeally.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Yep.
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Why would they bring you to talk about that? Why don't you take care of that?
Hallie (as Hopper)
I was the nearest person. They told me to find Chris. I am not Chris.
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Hmmmmm.
Kyle
They're gonna walk closer and closer to you.
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Did Lee put you up to this?
Hallie (as Hopper)
I think that was their name.
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Lee's been trying to get Chris for weeks.
[Humorous, tuba-heavy music plays.]
Kyle
And Chris is like,
Kyle (as Chris Prevensworthpine)
I don't know what's going on here.
Kyle (as aneen)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] You can tell Lee that they can shove it. They only have t-shirt guns. I got the dynamite, I get the Chris!
Kyle
And Chris is just sitting there like,
Kyle (as Chris Prevensworthpine)
I really don't know what's going on.
Hallie (as Hopper)
I-I could pass on that message, but I think it would be more effective coming from you.
Kyle (as aneen)
[A beat.]
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] No.
Tom
[Incredulous laughter.]
Kyle
And we are going to move back up.
Everyone
[Laughter.]
Hallie
What?
Everyone
[Continued laughter.]
Kyle
You rolled a four! [Laughter.]
Hallie
[Laughing.] No! No! Just, no! Fuck this guy!
Tom
No!
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Xoc, it is your turn. What are you gonna do?
Tom
So Xoc sees Elee take that bite, and he is going to begin gathering energy in his left hand, charging that up into his cutting light gauntlets. And I am going to let out a blast of cutting light with...two levels of effort to hit, and one level to damage. I have intellect for days. For days, I tell you.
[Dice roll.]
Natural 20! Holy shit!
Hallie
Ohhhh!
Tom
Oh!
Kyle
So do you want to take the damage or do you want to take a max, uh, an--an effect?
Tom
[Hopefully.] Can I can I make him lose his next turn?
Kyle
You can. So let's first deal with the damage.
Tom
So with the effort that would be eight points of damage. So I assume five after armor.
Kyle
Okay. And then how do you make him lose his turn?
Tom
Hmm. This is what happens. Xoc lines up a deadly accurate shot, but he, like, flinches it away from being like a headshot at the last second and slashes the beam of light across Bob's body and hits a wall nearby with like the end of the beam cut. And it sends out a burst of sparks that flash into Bob's eyes, either burning him or stunning him or something--
Kyle
Bob doesn't have eyes.
Tom
Oh, he doesn't. Oh, whoops.
Kyle
It gets...his mouth?
[19:58]
Tom
How about this? How about this? The pain of the blast causes him to stumble as the beam of light slashes across his body and he hits his head on a piece of, like, protruding rebar something. It's like, you know, you know like a Bioshock room with like the rebar that extends out along the walls. It's all fancy and looks like archways, like some of that protrudes into the room. Let's say that. He bumps his head on that and loses his turn.
Kyle
And now it is Elee's turn.
Tom
Fuck him up.
Emily
[Small distressed noise.] I want to run at him and try to whack him while he's stunned with my folding chair, and I would like to put in two levels of effort to damage.
Kyle
Hit me...or try.
Hallie
Fuck you Kyle.
Emily
[Dice roll.]
[Uncertainly.] 12?
Kyle
You go and you hit, and your bones seize up, and for a second you're like, yup, this is it. But then you realize, shit. It's the poison.
Emily
[Forlornly, quietly in the background.] Noo...
Kyle
Give me a roll to see if you can shake off the poison, because you didn't do that defense role.
Emily
I forgot, and then I just remembered what you said. Mmm? 16?
Kyle
Yeah, no, that poison is still there.
Emily
Ehhhhhh.
Kyle
You do not resist that poison.
Emily
I'm just stuck then?
Kyle
You just, you seize up a little bit, and you'll be able to move but you still have to shake off that poison.
Tom
It makes everything one step harder.
Emily
Okay, if I'm frozen I want to like turn my eyes over to Xoc and be like,
Emily (as Elee)
I think it got me.
Tom (as Xoc)
[Pained noise.]
Kyle
All right.
Emily (as Elee)
Maybe you should run.
Kyle
And um, with that Regular Bob does jack shit than nurse his head. He's got a big owie. He's very cross. So we're going to go back to Misha and Misha 12. Misha Prime, what are you going to do?
Ari
Misha--they are just not having this, but they kind of know what they have to do. And they don't want to do it, but they are just like,
Ari (as Misha)
[Exasperated groan.]
Ari
They’re going to sigh, and they are going to say,
Ari (as Misha)
I need you to stay here. But I also must request that you lend me your garments.
Kyle
If this was like a movie and we couldn't see them, like that would happen in like two seconds and we would just see a crumpled-up spandex jumpsuit just plop on Misha's face.
Hallie
Wait, so Misha gets “give me your clothes” and immediate acquiescence. I get…”no.” Come on! [Laughter.]
Ari
Okay, so Misha, at that, they're gonna point and say,
Ari (as Misha)
Until further orders, remain here and do not let yourself be seen by other people or androids.
Kyle
Okay, that Misha will actually disguise itself like a statue. So it'll just put itself up into a statuesque pose because you're an android so you kind of look like you're made out of statue.
Hallie
“Made out of statue.”
Kyle
If you're all right with this disguise, I like the idea of It kind of like turning into the statue like pose. So now it just looks like a really artful piece of artwork.
Ari
I like that. Just--just to make sure, Misha is going to put the hair of the android like on top of its face so that it's a little bit hard for it to be recognized if somebody sees that. But then, so Misha is going to change--with really a lot of effort because spandex is really, um, it's a really tight material, Kyle, but with a lot of effort they're going to put that on, and they're gonna leave their...I didn't have a bag, but I guess they're just gonna put their own stuff like in a corner somewhere as well. They're going to take their mask off, and they are going to move their hair so that it covers, a little bit like a--like an edgy boy, but not in that intent, so that it covers their, ah, left eye.
Kyle
So this look is Everett approved. But no, I get what you're saying. So cover up the eye so they only see the gray one. All right, I'm going to say because that Misha was so compliant and it took like two seconds to--to get their clothes off--I'm going to cut that.
Ari
[Snort of laughter.]
Kyle
Because it was so compliant and all that went so quickly, we can describe what happens next. So you, so you back to the room and what do you start doing? What do you do?
[Cheesy jazzercise music fades in.]
Ari
Okay, so I basically try to get on the stage. So I like a move along the line of the other androids, and with all of the embarrassment and fury that Misha is feeling because they really hate this, they are gonna try and look as lifeless, or like as android-like--as compliant android-ish as they can look at and they're just gonna like walk by them in the direction of the stage, so they can go on top of the stage.
Kyle
Okay, I'm gonna say you can make it there. Oh, but I forgot--shit, I forgot one thing: [Gleeful.] compliant androids dance.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
So give me a roll for dancing.
Ari
[Dice roll.]
Okay, I rolled a twenty, mister.
Hallie and Tom
[Gleeful shouts.]
Ari
I am just killing it on the dance floor, my dude.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Hallie
The best nat 20 ever rolled.
Tom
What a blessed session.
Kyle
All right, how does--how did--first off, I need you to describe your dance and describe how it benefits you. I need both of these things for me.
[24:51]
Ari
Um, well, I imagine it's a very...it's a very artistic interpretive dance, and I am going to shape it in the fact that for this session, I want to be sure to still have that storytelling ability. So like, that's the one I'm going to have, and that then the interpretive dancing is a form of storytelling, and so they are going to be doing interpretive dancing, as they are moving along the lines of this vicious thing, and the way that it's gonna help me, is that as I do it, I am going to artistically push the other androids aside as I am walking forward on the stage.
Emily and Hallie
[Laughter.]
Tom
I'm just imagining like the Peach/Daisy “hachaaaa” bump.
Hallie
I was just imagining the Wii Fit Trainer pose all the way through.
Everyone
[Laughter.]
Ari
Yes, Wii Fit Trainer!
[Jazzercise music begins to fade out.]
Kyle
And it's convenient, cause as soon as you get there, Lorraine's song slows down to a second, more subdued one, and the song is singing about the exact story that you're naturally presenting.
Ari
Mm.
Kyle
So you just seemed perfect and like all the other Misha Jarvises are like, oh shit, I guess like, fuck! And they just kind of, like, all go out to the corners and just kind of sit there and watch. One of them even sits down in the audience, because like, it just--this is too much information to process. It needs to like, not do anything to make sure that its, like, fairly limited circuitry is able to understand it. And you are up on the stage, and Lorraine...you rolled a 20. Lorraine noticed that it was you, but she was impressed and is not inclined to say anything right now.
Ari
So is she just pretending that she didn't notice?
Kyle
She is pretending that she doesn't know that you are you, and that is because for the first time, out of any one of you except for Hopper Scotch, for the first time one of you has made an impression.
Hallie
Wow.
Ari
Oh my God, I don't know how I feel about this.
Kyle
[Laughter.] I'd call it a GM intrusion, but in Lorraine's mind, it's the perfect nat 20. Alright, so we are going to move down a little bit to where things are not going so hot.
Ari
So Hop.
Kyle
Or going so Hop.
Tom, Kyle and Emily
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I'm so angry.
Ari
[Laughter.]
Kyle
As this one aneen is just glaring over you, what are you gonna do?
Hallie
Okay, so, uh, as part of my Metes Out Justice ability, I have designate innocent and guilty. He's pretty peeved at this aneen right now, but he--the aneen probably hasn't like, murdered anyone, so Hop's going to designate this aneen as innocent, because I can just make up fake criteria for this, it says.
Kyle
But innocent of what?
Hallie
Innocent of some sort of horrendous mass crime. It's Roulettia, so they've probably done something like, little bad but probably not like …
Kyle
So you're basically saying of all the terrible aneens, this one seems the most pathetic.
Hallie
Yeah, essentially, and therefore innocent. Um, and designating someone as innocent makes social interactions easier by one step. So then, Hopper will be like,
Hallie (as Hopper)
Look, you could waste your time here, but I'm an outsider in this weird rivalry you have. All I know is that Lee said something about some big surprise for someone named Chris that no one would ever be--would ever be able to top ever, and it had something to do with footwear.
Hallie
And he's gonna pull out his very nice socks,
[Sexy electric guitar music begins.]
Which if I can get a target to look at them for five seconds or longer, also decreases the difficulty of a social interaction by one step. So he's gonna add,
Hallie (as Hopper)
I mean he said he had nicer socks than these, and these are very nice socks.
Kyle
Dynamite aneen, formerly known as bazooka aneen--
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
--is very interested, uh, is very interested, and wants to know what the fuck Lee is up to, that conniving bastard. And is going to look at those socks for very long, and I want you to roll a persuasion.
Hallie
[Dice roll.]
[Sexy music stops abruptly.]
I'm switching dice. This is ridiculous. Another four.
Kyle
So Hallie, I normally wouldn't say this. You ever consider experience?
Hallie
Let me double check how many I have, hang on. I wanted to save it for...I only have two, I wanted to save it for...I'll use an experience to get past this fucking aneen.
Kyle, Hallie and Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Alright, how does your experience help you?
Hallie
Can we say that, like, noticing how legitimately interested the aneen is in these socks, Hopper started putting them away, like, as like a power move? And that spurred the aneen to be like “no, I gotta go find Lee.”
Kyle
Gimme a roll.
Hallie
Another one? Oh, oh, yeah, because I reroll with my XP--oh my God, it's a two!
Tom and Emily
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I'm switching die.
Kyle
So I'm going to resolve this--
Hallie
Great.
Kyle
--with a GM intrusion.
Hallie
Yayyy.
Kyle
So take that XP back. Who are you gonna give the other point to?
Hallie
Um, I am gonna give it to Misha for interpretive dance punching people out of the way because I love that so much.
Kyle
So you, uh, you say that and um, the dynamite aneen looks interested, and it's like almost reaching out for the socks. And then you hear the elevator [Makes buzzing “elevator” noise.] come down, and two guards--who are also in costume--they come down and they just look at the aneen. And they're like,
[30:02]
Kyle (as costumed guard)
[Voice muffled as if from behind a mask.] Susuran, what the fuck, V-BO was supposed to be up there five minutes ago.
Kyle
And we are gonna go back to combat.
[Hard rock anime music starts up again.]
Xoc, it is--it is your turn. Regular Bob has shaken himself and he is he is ready and raring for another round of Mortal Kombat.
Tom
So Xoc is not leaving Elee behind. Also Elee can probably move. It's probably fine. Everything's fine. Xoc's gonna do the same move again because he has got a lot of power in there. It almost feels like he's trying to draw in more this time. He's going to have to hold his left arm to keep it from shaking, as he, like, draws in for another blast. Once again, two levels to hit, one to damage.
[Dice roll.]
Oh, that's bad. That's an eight. I--I think that's a miss.
Kyle
Let me quick do some mental math here. Yeah, no, that blast goes and--
Tom
[Gong noise--the sound of metal vibrating after impact.]
Kyle
I'd say yeah, since you said you were going to hold your hand. I just say you can't, and so it just--
Tom
Just cutting through metal in the ceiling or the walls or something.
Kyle
Yeah, not bad enough that it's going to cause things to get worse. But--
Tom
Oh, yeah. Yeah, just--just it's like glowy gouged lines on it.
Kyle
Yeah, like Avengers movie collateral damage right now. Things haven't gotten bad yet. All right, Elee.
Emily
So under us is …
Kyle
The auction Hall.
Emily
Ok, so everyone's, like, in there, right?
Kyle
Yeah. Everyone is in there.
Emily
Okay, because I was like maybe I should just break it. But no.
Kyle
You’d have, a lot more enemies, very quickly.
Emily
And I don't want to kill people.
Kyle
Ehhhhh?
Tom
We might--we might kill Regular Bob.
Emily
Relatively innocent peop--
Kyle
I wouldn't call them innocent. I really… [Laughter.]
Emily
Relatively.
Kyle
[Sounds of disagreement.]
Emily
Relatively. I'm fighting a rorathik, hush.
Tom
We're not about collateral damage.
Kyle
Unlike the Avengers.
Kyle, Tom and Emily
[Laughter.]
Emily
Okay, so I have to roll again to see if I can shake off the poison?
Kyle
Yeah, I'd say just do it when you do your action.
Tom
So wasn't it just the...like now that the initial roll has failed, for the duration of combat, it's just one step harder for everything or is it just a new save every turn to break that off?
Kyle
It says difficulty to the victim's actions by one step, and I think especially because Elee's such a powerhouse it'd be interesting to have it each turn.
Tom
Yeah. I like it.
Kyle
I'll say and once she shakes it, that's it, game over, can't do it again.
Tom
Okay!
Emily
Okay. So the chair did not work.
Kyle
Chair did not work.
Emily
And Elee, for a second--because Emily also does--tries to decide whether she wants to redeem the chair or whether she wants to go with the claws, which have already worked. I think I'm gonna go with the chair.
Kyle
Elee has to believe in redemption. If she can't believe in redemption for her chair, can she believe in redemption for herself?
Tom
[Hesitantly.] Uhhhhh okay.
Hallie
Go Elee go.
Tom
All right...
Emily
Um, and I want to put in a level of effort to hit, and a level of effort to damage.
Kyle
Okay. Yeah, give me that roll first.
Emily
Oookay…
[Dice roll.]
Ten. Yeah, I'm gonna re-roll with experience.
Kyle
Okay. So how does experience help you get rarin’ and ready to go?
Emily
I really want to redeem this chair.
Hallie
Do it!!
Kyle
She believes in this chair.
Emily
It's like, if this chair doesn't do it one more time, we're just gonna go with the claws, but let's …
[Dice roll.]
12.
Kyle
All right. Give me a roll overcome that poison!
Emily
[Dice roll.]
[Resigned.] Eight.
[Inspirational symphonic music begins.]
Kyle
All right, you raise that chair real high, and--and like, the glint of sunlight from that window, from that skylight goes on, with the choir singing a redeeming song...and then you seize up again.
[Music stops abruptly.]
Emily (as Elee)
I hate everything. Xoc, maybe you should really run. I don't know if it's just because I'm old or if he poisoned me, but-- [Wheezes.]
Kyle
All right and Xoc, as you hear that, you see the chair vibrate a little bit. And then from behind it, you see a rorathik just jump high into the air with two blades at his side and he's gonna bring down both on you.
Hallie
[Small, nervous laugh.]
Kyle
So I need you to roll two defense rolls.
Tom
[Shakily.] Yeah does that--does that--does that count as immediate distance, for the sake of my--uh, my....
Kyle
It, does because he is going to hit you.
Tom
Okay, perfect.
Kyle
It would only be if he was like throwing the swords at you, which I thought about but was like nah.
Tom
All right. I'm glad you giving me this. So, quick question if I spend effort to, uh…
Kyle
I'll let it apply to both.
Tom
Okay, because we're spending three levels of intellect effort to make this easier.
[Dice roll. There's a long pause and Tom makes the sad trombone noise from The Price is Right.]
That's a ten and a six.
Kyle
Uhhhh, yeah. So he just comes down …
Tom
As--as my staff whirls in to try to block the, uh, block the swords.
[Rising heroic music fades in.]
Kyle
Yeah, and you...one of them hits you in the shoulder, and the other one comes down at you and suddenly we hear --
Kyle (as Loell)
Oh, watch out!
Kyle
And you feel yourself get tackled and pushed to the side. And then as you get up, you see Loell standing in front of you, being like,
Kyle (as Loell)
What the fuck man, I told you this was dangerous.
Emily
[Delighted.] Your brain bud is being your brain bud!
Hallie
Yayyy!
Tom (as Xoc)
Oh, hey, buddy! Uh, yeah, it's--it’s real dangerous. This is what we do.
[35:00]
Kyle
He's gonna look real mad for a second, and he’s gonna be like,
Kyle (as Loell)
All right fair, you're right, but we are going to talk about this later.
Kyle
Uh, and it is going to now move to Misha.
Ari
All right, then Misha is going to go forward, still doing the interpretive dancing and be, like, right next to Lorraine.
Kyle
Okay, you’re there.
Ari
Okay. Is Lorraine holding like a microphone or anything like that?
Kyle
Oh, no, I'd say and a microphone is attached to one of the little thimble robots. So just kind of this floating microphone that floats in front of her face.
Ari
Has she finished her song at all, or is she still singing?
Kyle
Depends. Do you want her to have finished her song at all? Because the song is the one that you did your interpretive dance with.
Ari
Yeah. That's true. I was--I was planning on like, maybe waiting until she was done and there was clapping, and then approach like right after as if Misha's still part of the show, like they're, oh it's an--it’s an act that follows that song.
Kyle
Lorraine is interested to see what happens, and she lets you do that.
Ari
Oh, bye. Okay. All right. All right.
Kyle
Fun fact, you can even hear her whisper as you go by:
Kyle (as Lorraine)
Go ahead.
Ari
Okay at that, Misha is going to grab the microphone, and they are going to say,
Ari (as Misha)
[The sound echoes as Misha addresses the auction hall through the microphone.] Ah, thank you everybody for coming here today to the great auction held by Lorraine Stiles. I have now a story that I would like to tell you, and that I hope everybody can learn something about.
Ari
And then they are going to look at Lorraine kind of defiantly, and, like, give her a second to see if she does anything.
Kyle (as Lorraine)
Give it up for Misha Jarvis, the newest storytelling robot from JET.CO.
[Applause echoes throughout the auction hall.]
Kyle
Everyone starts applauding as hard as they can, and she just motions to you to start your story.
Tom
[Distressed noise.]
Ari
Right, one thing, if that's okay with you Kyle. I know that it's under their hair, so it wouldn't be seen, but I want Misha's eye to shine, like, a little bit brighter because they're like--it--nothing's going to happen, but they're just really, really upset right now.
Hallie
I love it.
Kyle
That's fair. I like that. I like that a lot. That's real cool.
Ari
Okay.
Kyle
Like, if we were watching, we would see just like a little patch of red appear underneath the eyes, but the audience doesn't notice.
Ari
Yeah. Okay. All right. Here we go. So Misha is going to nod, and they're going to approach the center of the stage. They are gonna grab upon their storytelling abilities so that they are like kind of even not realizing as much what they're saying, but they're more aware than before. And they are going to say,
Ari (as Misha)
[The sound echoes as Misha addresses the auction hall through the microphone.] Allow me to tell you the story about a human who was born without the capacity for wonder or amusement.
[Soft, tinkling music begins to play through Misha’s story.]
Whether she was born with family or alone in the world is irrelevant, as she was unable to feel anything but boredom nonetheless. Unlike many, she wasn't able to feel excitement at the simplest things, such as passing of the clouds, the smallest group of insects, or the way the cloak around the boy's head seems to perfectly match the color of their eyes.
No, she was not able to feel amusement at any of these things. Oh, I do believe she tried to find it. Every single day, she tested something new. She tested someone new. But to no avail. Every single day, she kept getting more and more bored with the world, until she met him.
I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know something started right then. She tested him, as she tested so many others before him, and whatever he did, he succeeded. Through his suffering, through whatever else, he passed whatever test she made, and that made her feel amusement.
But it was fleeting. She soon felt bored again, even more so than before, so she swore that she was going to never let this amusing boy go. That she would test him again, for him to be the never-ending source of her amusement. But every time, she noticed, the suffering had to be greater. The stakes had to be higher for her to feel anything. So she kept doing more and more atrocious things to this boy, to his friends, to every single town she visited. She would go to the extent of humiliating him. Of humiliating other humans. Of-of making a mockery of machines.
Ari
As they say that they're gonna, like, run a hand through their whole suit, as they say making a mockery of machines.
Ari (as Misha)
[The sound echoes as Misha addresses the auction hall through the microphone.] Just for her to get something...something that she could not attain for herself. Now, you probably expect to story to end with a happy ending, that maybe this atrocious human saw the error of her ways, that she apologized and even made friends with the humans and machines she hurt. But I do apologize, listener, for not every story deserves a happy ending.
[39:58]
Ari
And then they're going to just [Laughing.] drop the mic and look at Lorraine.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Mic drop!
Emily
[Wordless cry of delight.]
Kyle
So the mic gets dropped, and as it falls and almost hits the ground, you hear a little ta-tink as the little robot, the little thimble tries to catch it before it falls--
Hallie, Tom and Emily
[Distressed noises.]
Kyle
--and succeeds, but it still hits a little bit. Uh, and Ari, before you roll, what is what is kind of your endgame? What is your goal besides just to fucking drop a mic.
Ari
Well, you know, I-I-I kind of forgot what my end game was when I started this.
Emily and Tom
[Laughter.]
Ari
Because it originally was giving people time to take Q-BO, but I forgot to let people know that I was going to do that and...
Hallie, Ari and Emily
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Oops!
Kyle
I got an idea. How bout--how about you give me a roll, and I want to see how how the audience response to this.
Ari
Okay, I swear. I swear I'm not making this up. I'm not--I’m not being a Travis. I actually rolled another 20.
Hallie
[Gasps.]
Tom
Holy shit!
Emily
I want it your die!
Tom
The power play.
Hallie and Emily
[Laughter.]
Ari
I swear I rolled another 20.
Hallie
What a fucking power move, I fucking love it.
Ari and Hallie