We become Homestuck.
Listen as our heroes:
MEET The Professor!
CONCOCT horrifying culinary nightmares!
VISIT their daughters!
Content Warnings: Food (13:00-16:55), Alt-right insults (14:05-14:15), volume (14:40-15:00), references to animal cruelty (26:45-26:55)
Learn about our Anniversary Celebration plans: https://www.questfriendspodcast.com/post/quest-friends-birthday-bash-2019
Support Dont Cry Witch on Kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mightymeller/dont-cry-witch-volume-1
Submit a Q&A question: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdpVvRAVn4qc7HsMXy9Lmc1fUPg3ipAjiyfkB3vnZpIDVpKtQ/viewform
Map of the Prodigious: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1h81DsGIYEd_xuFkXDhxVa1MemWZ_55fE/view?usp=sharing
TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version)
Kyle
Hey everyone, it's Kyle, from the...the show. I'm just here at the start to remind you that we have content warnings at the bottom of the description of every episode. We have a fair few this episode. Nothing gets too dark, we just get kind of weird at certain points, and I think we could hit some things that would be upsetting. And I want to make sure you're armed with all the knowledge that you would need for that.
So please, check those content warnings below, and be sure to skip over anything that you think just wouldn't sit well with you. Alright, that's all I've got. Thanks so much. Let's start the show!
Previously on Quest Friends...
[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
Tom
But yeah, Xoc's gonna hold up the arm where the spider is presumably like, lumping around.
Tom (as Xoc)
[Panicked.] Get it out, get it out, get it out! We have to get it out!
Kyle
You seem to be standing in the courtyard made out of ceramic castle-like stone, and you realize that you're hundreds of feet in the air. You see one of these automatons with prismatic markings all over their body rushing towards the edge of the courtyard. The language they're using doesn't seem familiar to you, but because of your experience with machine language, you can make out six words: was found, not safe, must use.
Tom (as Xoc)
[Frustrated.] Hmm. Did Aegon ever keep a journal or notes or anything?
Kyle (as Mako)
No, his only notes were in his brain, and while the only two people with access to that would be the Apocrita itself and I guess the Professor.
Tom (as Xoc)
[More thoughtful.] Mmm.
Hallie (as Hopper)
Where is the Professor?
Kyle (as Mayra)
I am the Professor. The Professor is dead.
[Theme music intensifies.]
Ari (as Misha)
[Music begins to fade.]
Are you what humans would term a zom-bie?
Hallie
[Short, surprised laugh.]
Ari (as Misha)
As you are both dead, but also the professor?
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Mayra)
Well, from...from what I've heard about them, that might not feel far off. Uh, so...gah, this had to be, uh, decades ago.
[Mysterious music begins to play—it sounds like something you would hear in a Victorian sitting room.]
I was out delving into dungeons. [Wryly.] You know, normally I, I'd be, I'd be in here, you know as they say for, for every hour you spend dungeon delving you spend ten in the lab, but, uh, I was out on the site, and I had an encounter with, uh, with some stratic life. [More thoughtfully.] And normally the bond is, is made, and that's it and you might never see each other again, but that's not what happened.
We kind of...I can't think of a better term for it. We kind of fused. Suddenly we weren't, we weren't two of us. We were one entity. And I was, she was, we were the...we were the Professor.
[The music slowly fades.]
And that's, and that's kind of how it was, and that's um, that's not really how it is anymore.
Tom (as Xoc)
What changed?
Kyle (as Mayra)
[Gentler, more melancholy music begins to play.]
Ah, we just separated. Uh, the Professor split up. Not sure why, it just, uh, just kind of happened, and we weren't, we weren't sure what to do. We tried kind of fusing together again, but uh, a bond with a patron isn't something that's easily broken. What if it was me? I mean I was the Professor, so it must have been, it must have been me, right? So, uh, we're not together right now. I don't remember a whole lot from that time. I'm not, all my memories aren't there, and I'm really sorry about that. I'm kind of catching my legs again for the first time.
Tom (as Xoc)
How long ago did this happen?
Kyle (as Mayra)
Honestly, it kind of feels like my whole life at this point. Anyways. [Awkward laughter.] Enough of this. I'm really sorry.
[The music stops.]
Enough of this doom and gloom. Let's talk about this world ending cloud of spiders, huh?
[More laughter.]
Kyle
All right, so you walk over to a corner and Mayra says,
Kyle (as Mayra)
All right. So this is all the information that I have on the Kingdom of Prylima.
Kyle
[Gentle, tinkling piano music begins to play.]
And you, Xoc, see some pretty familiar stuff. So you see a painting of ceramic spiraling castles and spherical courtyards with greenery roping around the tiles. Additionally, you see rotund automatons with stone exoskeletons and vine innards. And if you remember when you first got kind of, your first vision after being consumed by the Apocrita, this was the first thing you saw, was a skyline not identical, but pretty close to this. And Mayra says,
Kyle (as Mayra)
The Prylimians were the first species we knew that encountered the Apocrita. They flew on a structure similar to this, this seemed to be kind of their home base.
Tom
[Faintly.] Ow.
Kyle
Were you going to ask something, Xoc?
[The music fades.]
Tom
I hit my heel against my chair, and so I started to go ow.
Kyle
[Amused.] Oh.
Tom
Under my breath.
[Laughter from the party.]
Kyle
Um, and she just whips out what looks like a pistol. It's flaming, it's shooting out little bursts of wind, and it's also got a massive chisel.
[00:05:00]
Kyle (as Mayra)
This is called a setimenta tatt...a sediment tattoo gun. Sedimentary tattoo. A sediment tattoo gun. It was used to mark one's occupation or role.
Kyle
And Mayra points to an automaton in the painting with spiral markings on its chest, as well as a mold of those same markings on a side-table.
Kyle (as Mayra)
We're not quite sure what this spiral marking means. Ah, in fact there's not a whole lot that we know about the species at all, but that is indicative of something...
Kyle
And Xoc, you know what it's indicative of.
Tom
[Bewildered.] Uh, I-I do?
Kyle
The spiral marketing means "messenger," and you know because above this rock, you see pages woven out of glittering powder. And to most people, they wouldn't mean anything. Even with your understanding of the machine language, you could barely understand how they spoke, much less how they wrote things. But the text on these glittering powder pages are as clear as whatever other languages you speak. I don't know what they're called. Ninth Worldian. Steadfastian.
Tom
The Truth! That's the name of the main language in this region.
Kyle
It's as clue—that's. It's as clear as the Truth. It reads,
[More serious, slightly ominous piano music begins to play.]
Once again, our kingdom was found. Our strategy of retreating is simply not safe. In order to defeat the invading spiders, we must use... and then it cuts off, because again, they're kind of...Mayra can't understand them, so she's just kind of put the pages scattered by each other.
[The music ends.]
Tom
Okay, and so to clarify, because that was the one thing I was a little confused by, the pages are artifacts that Mayra has, not something from my vision
Kyle
No, they're artifacts. They're physically there, and you are physically reading them right now.
Tom
Okay. Xoc is going to, ah, is going to speak up and say,
Tom (as Xoc)
[The more serious piano music begins to play again.]
I...can read this. All of it. I don't know how I can. I assume it's another consequence of the time the Apocrita got inside my head, but that symbol...
Tom
And I'll point to the spiral.
Tom (as Xoc)
Means messenger, and these pages are describing a strategy to protect their Kingdom from...
Kyle (as Mayra)
Wait um, sorry, excuse me. Um, I have a lot of questions.
[The music ends.]
You said you could understand them?
Tom (as Xoc)
Yes, I, I can read all of this.
Kyle (as Mayra)
[Slowly, thoughtful.] And you said the Apocrita was inside of you?
Emily (as Elee)
[Awkwardly.] Surprise.
Tom (as Xoc)
I...one of the spiders got inside me right after they, uh, were let out. We killed it, but I was infected and I almost died. Eventually we got to Mr. Mako, and he gave me some kind of antidote that brought me back, but I...when I was infected, I saw and heard things, and I eventually had someone else's mind inside my body as well.
Kyle (as Mayra)
Some...someone else's...I'm sorry. I'm kind of alternating back and forth. I'm horrified, and I'm really sorry. Do you need more water or something like that? But also academically this is really interesting! This could this could change everything. I mean, it's just, you know, it's just one example, it's not a long term statistical study, but it's still very, um, okay. So there was someone inside your, your head?
Tom (as Xoc)
[Soft, gentle string music begins to play—the music that often previously accompanied Loell.]
Yes. Um, he claimed that he didn't know how or why he was there. He just woke up inside my, my body. We began to speculate that he might have been someone who was consumed by the Apocrita back when the first time it was rampaging around and you all had stopped it.
Kyle (as Mayra)
Wait, the, the, he was someone from the Apocrita? Where did he say he was from?
Tom (as Xoc)
Uh...
Tom
This is where I try to remember what our name is for that. The Py...Pytha...the...
[The music stops.]
Kyle
Pythagorean Empire?
Tom
Is that what we call it?
Emily and Kyle
No!
Hallie
No.
Tom
The Pytharon...is that what we call it?
Kyle
Pyranthion.
Hallie
Nooo.
Tom
Pyranthion! There we go.
Emily
You should’ve let him keep guessing
Tom
He...
Hallie
[Dryly.] I was going to.
[Laughter from the party.]
Tom (as Xoc)
He...he said he was from the Pyranthion Empire.
Kyle (as Mayra)
[Huffs thoughtfully.] Well, that's especially confusing if you were talking to someone from that, because the Apocrita never attacked the Pyranthion Empire. Well, I mean, from my, from my memory. Again, I'm so sorry. I can't remember everything. I'll need to consult...I'll need to consult my records.
Tom (as Xoc)
Well, just as likely he was lying to us, too.
Kyle (as Mayra)
Oh, oh dears. Are you all right? I only have water but I could go get more water. You know, I'll go collect more data. It's going to take a little bit of time, but I'd, I'd love to show you some things around. All of you feel free to relax on the Prodigious. I'm so sorry that you had to come all the way here for me, but feel free to relax, just enjoy your time. I'll come catch you when, uh, I have more data.
Tom (as Xoc)
Okay.
Tom
[Hesitantly.] And I guess we awkwardly leave?
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Elee)
I'm sorry that you're not...with the woman...that you were with.
Tom
Actually, actually, actually, actually, hold the phone, Xoc starts to leave then turns around
Kyle
Xoc, love counselor.
[00:10:00]
Emily
[Laughter.]
Tom
Xoc, PhD in, in, in Doctorate of Love.
Kyle
Yeah, Xoc, who hasn't gotten a single heart with his love interest.
Emily
[Crosstalking, trying not to laugh.] PhD in Doctorate.
Hallie
PhD in Doctorate, yeah.
Tom
Yeah, in Doctorate. Anyway, Xoc starts to leave, but then turns around and just says,
Tom (as Xoc)
Did you...did you ever try talking to your other half?
Kyle (as Mayra)
Yeah. I had to explain what apparently, ah, what I apparently thought.
Tom (as Xoc)
Okay.
Emily
[Sternly.] You did not earn that Doctorate of Love.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
[Laughter.] Did you ever talk to her? Oh, you did? Okay, cool. Okay, cool.
[Laughter from the party.]
Ari
You failed your dissertation.
[Continued laughter.]
Tom
[Defensively.] It just felt like a dramatic line to leave on! And also, also I wasn't entirely sure that Mayra had ever actually tried to get in touch with...
Ari
Why wouldn't she?
Kyle
They tried to refuse! I said that like three times!
Tom
Mayra has been very cagey on what actually happened though! I don't, I know they unfused but I don't know the details.
Kyle
Yeah, they unfused. Just in case it wasn't clear, because I rambled a lot and Mayra apologizes and rambles a lot.
[Jazzy elevator music begins to play.]
Essentially, something felt wrong in the Professor and Mayra was just like, huh. Academically, all the evidence points to I didn't want this. And so then she's just like, hey, it looks like I didn't want this. That's what the studies say.
Hallie
Science doesn't support us.
Kyle
The evidence…[Claps.] I looked at it right here. It's not good. Not good mate.
Hallie
We've got a null hypothesis. It's no good.
[The music ends.]
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as VIRGULE)
[Chiming noise.]
Afternoon! Day two!
Kyle
Oh God, that really peaked the audio. Let me try that again.
Kyle (as VIRGULE)
[Chiming noise.]
[Slightly quieter.] Afternoon! Day two!
Kyle
That still peaked real bad. I guess I'm gonna just have to do this after the fact.
Tom
Just do it a little more quietly.
Kyle (as VIRGULE)
[Chiming noise.]
[Even quieter, sounding very creepy.] Afternoon! Day two!
Tom
[A little glumly.] That's fine.
Kyle (as VIRGULE)
[Almost growling.] Mmm.
Tom and Kyle
[Laughter.]
Emily
We're back to the Fez.
Hallie
[Suspiciously.] I didn't like that.
Ari
You made this choice by picking this voice.
Hallie
Don't do that.
Kyle
All right, so we are in our afternoon session.
[Gentle but upbeat electropoppy music begins to play in the background.]
Reminder that afternoon session, what you all are going to do, you're going to have an opportunity to have a scene in which you can, uh, either look for Ezra, look for Argent, try to solve the mystery a little bit more. You can hit up some cuties if you want, get some heart points, or, uh, you can clearly solve these very unsolved relationship issues.
Afternoon is any time from now to our end of day event. At the end of each day, we're going to have an event that everyone goes to, so after our afternoon session, tonight you'll have Nano Fight Club, which L'adrien invited Misha to, so you'll all go the Nano Fight Club. Tomorrow night you'll have the pep rally for prom, and then on night four you'll have the prom itself.
[The music ends.]
Tom
Prom de Plume!
Kyle
Anyways, you're sitting here having lunch. We have not specified what the lunch food is, so if at any point you want to specify what you're eating, remember, that's all they serve for lunch your whole time on the Prodigious.
Hallie
[Brightly.] Calzunes!
Kyle
Calzunes?
Hallie
Nothing but calzunes! You won't let that happen.
Kyle
I'll compromise with you. They don't have ca-calzunes, but they do have piPods
Hallie
[Indignant.] That's not a compromise! That's just a slap to the face.
[Laughter from the party.]
Fuck you.
Ari
What if it's, what if it's just patza?
Hallie
Patza!
Tom
I would eat patza.
Kyle
What I love is that we already have putsa on the Ritz. So we already have a pizza.
Tom
Ehh.
Kyle
["In The Hall of the Mountain King" begins to play, increasing in ominous intensity as the food conversation continues.]
But this is just pasta pizza. It's pasta pizza in a patty.
Ari
[Startled.] In a patty?!
Kyle
In a patty.
Ari
[Disbelieving.] In a patty. Does—is it made of Patties? Of people named Patty? Or is that a different…
Tom
[Crosstalking.] Eughh.
Emily
[Crosstalking, distressed.] Oh no!
Tom
Why.
Kyle
[Mischievously.] Up in the air.
Hallie
Up in the air?!
Tom
What about, what if, what if they served soylent beans.
Emily
[More distressed.] Oh no.
Hallie
All right.
Kyle
Soylent beans, which is made out of preople. Which isn't a living organism, but it's very bad synthetic. It's synthetic people. God. This is getting disgusting
Ari
Oh god.
Emily
This is so dark!
Tom
Why have you made the food so weird? I, all I did was come up with a funny name. Like, is...
Hallie
[Grimly.] I don't like the turn this took.
Tom
Is fucking Sir Kentram gonna walk through and be like,
Tom (as Sir Kentram)
Hey, bro, why are you such a soy boy? Eating those soylent beans?
[Laughter.]
Emily
It's a man eat man world.
Tom (as Sir Kentrim)
Real men eat chacken wings all hours of the day!
[Laughter from the party.]
[Tom bleats.]
Kyle
This absolutely happens. And I'm assuming, Xoc, you just set down your soylent beans and just push it to the side, or are you not going to get caught up in this alt-right bullshit.
Tom
Actually, I was just going to give him the gift that I got for him.
Kyle
So he insults you, and you're like, here's a gift?!
Ari
[Indignant.] You're giving—
Tom
[Crosstalking, sheepishly.] That's video game logic.
Ari
You haven't given me any gifts and you're giving Sir Kentrim a gift first?!
[Laughter from the party.]
Hallie
She's got a point.
Ari
Who—
Hallie
[Crosstalking.] She's got a point!
Ari
[Extremely indignant.] Who are you going to prom to?! With?!
Tom
[Sheepishly.] I'm sorry!
Ari
I guess I'll just give my gift to L'Adrien and invite him to prom!
Tom
[The music builds to a fever pitch.]
No! No, we don't need this drama. Hold on.
[00:15:00]
We haven't had like, a moment where there was good pacing to, for gift giving!
Kyle
Anyways, what are you, what are you giving Sir Kentrim?
Tom
I'm giving Sir Kentrim a keg stand.
Kyle
[Laughter.] Perfect. You're up to three hearts. Well, how many heart points did you have with them earlier?
Tom
Didn't I have like a single heart earlier, in our class?
Emily
Yeah, by not going along with the aneens you got a heart.
Kyle
Right, so you're up to three now.
Tom
Yeah.
Kyle
He's like,
Kyle (as Sir Kentrim)
Thanks, man. I can do this keg stand and have raw meat milk all the time!
Emily
[Distressed.] I'm sorry?!
Tom
[Laughing in the background.]
Kyle
Raw milk!
Emily
Is that just blood?
Tom
[Laughing harder in the background.]
Kyle
Nah man!
Tom
Sorry, I guess I love him again, even though he's a garbage boy.
Kyle
[The music crescendos with a cymbal crash.]
Meat milk is when you flex so hard it starts to lactate.
Hallie
[Sputters.]
Tom
[Through gasping laughter.] Oh shit.
[The music ends with one final cymbal crash.]
Ari
No!
Tom
[Crosstalking.] Now if...
Ari
That's disgusting
Hallie
I hate everything that you have done the past several minutes.
Emily
[Distressed laughter in the background.]
Tom
Kyle, Kyle, is that...
Ari
It just keeps getting worse.
Tom
Did you fucking plan that? Have you read Homestuck? Did you know?!
Kyle
No? What?
Tom
Did you intentionally take that from Homestuck? Flexing so hard that you lactate?!
Ari
Is...that Homestuck thing?
Kyle
[Distressed.] What the fuck.
Tom
Have you not—there's a—
Ari
What?!
Tom
There's a, there's a troll boy named Equius who is a muscle horse boy, and he's weird about muscles and mil--I'm just, I'm just gonna have to show you some fucked up shit later.
Ari
[Plaintively.] So disgusting. Why!
Kyle
[Strained.] The fuck!
Ari
Two people thought about this same disgusting thing!
Kyle
This episode is gonna have to have so many content warnings. Like, we have the serious ones, which have a few. This episode is going to have to have so many.
Anyways, do we want to end on some romance?
Tom
Yeah.
Emily
[With Tom.] Sure.
Kyle
So you have your food. Your beans, your patsa, and your third thing. Elee, I'm assuming you check up on your NP children a little bit.
Emily
Yeah.
Kyle
[Soft, thoughtful music begins to play.]
And you see that Soe is sitting there and she's talking with Meeghan, and you notice something really weird about her hair. It's very curly, in a very particular way that you've only ever seen...
Emily
[Crosstalking, indignant.] I'm sorry?!
Kyle
You've only ever seen Rei have...
Emily
[Crosstalking, horrified.] I’m sorry?
Kyle
[The music stops.]
You've only ever seen Rei wear her hair like that.
Emily
[Strained.] I'm gonna go over to say hi to my child.
Kyle (as Soe)
Hi Mom! We were just talking about the latest young adult novel!
Emily (as Elee)
The latest young adult novel! Oh, I saw you're doing something new with your hair again, too?
Kyle (as Soe)
Oh, yeah! No. No. No, I um, so I had my first class today. I got placed in Puzzles classes!
Emily (as Elee)
Oh!
Kyle (as Soe)
And, and our professor, she's just, she's the nicest. She's just so, like, she's, I don't know. It's, she's like a princess!
Emily (as Elee)
[Strained enthusiasm.] Oh! She seems great.
Kyle (as Soe)
Yeah, no, she's really nice. Actually. I kind of talked about airships for a little bit. It was a, it was a bit of a tangent, I know, but she actually told me that that she knows the person who works on the engines, so she told me I would be able to go down and take a look at them later!
Tom
[Gasps.]
Emily (as Elee)
Really.
Tom
[Faintly.] My heart.
Emily (as Elee)
That'll be awesome, Soe, you'll have to let me know how it goes.
Kyle (as Soe)
Okay! Okay. I'll, I'll be sure to tell you.
Kyle
And before you continue, Meeghan immediately pipes in and says,
[Upbeat tuba music begins to play.]
Kyle (as Meeghan Fishwife)
Soe, we have to talk about what happens in the next chapter of the book! I can't believe Devon would have ever said that to Mandy! I don't know if she should take him back after those kinds of things, and in the middle of a war no less. It's just a little bit of mixed priorities if you ask me! [Laughs loudly.]
Kyle
And you can see that she's got a book open, and they're both, uh, looking at their little new novel called Dont Cry Witch.
Hallie and Emily
Ahhhh.
Tom
I fucking love these shoutouts.
Kyle
And Soe says,
Kyle (as Soe)
Oh, yeah. No, you know, I really think that he deserves it!
Kyle
And she just turns back and immediately starts engaging.
Emily
Elee smiles. She's--she’s glad to see that Soe's found a friend and is happy, and it's like tough, because we don't know what Meeghan's deal is, but...actually. Elee's actually gonna swing back around and lean down so she's like, her head's between them.
Kyle
Yeah.
Emily (as Elee)
[Whispering.] Don't let anyone see the books.
Kyle
And Soe's like,
Kyle (as Soe)
But why—
[Quieter.] Oh, right.
Emily (as Elee)
Yeah.
Kyle (as Soe)
Right, they can't know about our secret key. Oh!
Kyle
And Meeghan goes,
Kyle (as Meeghan Fishwife)
Okay!
Kyle
And she tries to wink like you did earlier.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Kyle
But Meeghan still can't wink. So she blinks both of her eyes, which is equivalent of the number of heart points you have with her, because you have another one, cause you looked out for her. So you got two heart points now. Note that, because I'm gonna forget.
Emily
Okay, cool.
Kyle
You might have had two already. If you had two, you have three. I'll note when I'm editing.
Emily
Yeah. However, I had a note in my phone. We said that I could argue that I have more heart points with Meeghan.
Kyle
Okay, so, looking at the time, Emily's romance thing is going to wait til next time. We're going to end with some hardcore negotiation. Hit that negotiation music!
[00:20:00]
[An intense 8-bit jam begins to play.]
Emily
Soe talks about her mom all the time, so I think that Meeghan should get a, not necessarily 100% accurate but definitely positive view of Elee.
[The music stops abruptly.]
Kyle
Fuck. All right, I guess that wasn't that dramatic of an end.
Emily
Aww.
Kyle
All right, you have another point. You have two more points with Meeghan.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Emily
Yeah, that's not a very good ending.
Kyle
No, it's really not a very good ending. So what were you going to do for the day?
Emily
Um, I kind of want to talk to Rei, but I kind of don't? I'm kind of too scared to talk to Rei. I'm gonna go...I'm gonna go find Rei.
Kyle
You don't have to. You go up and you start walking to leave the lunch room, and go find Rei and talk to her. But as you stand up and turn around, you see her looking at you with her lunch tray and she just says,
Kyle (as Rei)
Can we talk?
[Soft, romantic guitar music begins to play.]
Kyle
[The music fades.]
Hello and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, episode...I always forget to check. Quest Friends, episode 43, Crime and Courtship, Part 8. I am Kyle, your GM, and our intro and outro song is "Friends" and "Hitoshio," both by Miracle of Sound, and we have a lot to talk about today! First, later on in this episode, I pull from the name pool to name two unseen characters! These characters are Devin and Mandy named for @kommacrazy and @mightymeller on Twitter respectively. You might recognize Mandy from such works as our icon and Dont Cry Witch Volume 1, the graphic novel that she is at the very end of Kickstarting right now.
So if you're interested in that kind of artwork, if you're interested in cool stories about witches and the like, witches and teens, teens and witches, check out the link below. It will be at either four or three days left until it finishes backing, so now's the time to get onto it.
You might also recognize Mandy from the comic announcement we did two weeks ago, and let's talk about that for a second. So the short version is the comic isn't happening anymore. We kind of jumped the gun with the announcement a little bit, and in the two weeks since announcing the comic, we've been looking at kind of budget and time things, and it just isn't really viable. In order to get this thing to function, it's not like we would have had to make the Kickstarter be a goal far above what we could reach, or severely under pay Mandy.
The issue is we would have had to do both of those things, and still probably would have lost some money. The other reason is I never want to do anything on the side that would compromise the main series, and unfortunately, the comic had already been kind of doing that. I rushed out last episode two weeks ago in order to get out the announcement, for example. That's the same reason that even though I promised a super long episode today, I'm not doing that, because I think it's more important to have consistent and quality episodes than one that's significantly longer to make up for a shorter one.
So, I'm really sorry for anyone who got really excited about that and kind of feeling let down right now. If you found yourself really interested in the comic, there are still a few things you can do. The first one is really, really, really I would highly encourage you to check out Dont Cry Witch. Mandy does great things, and even though she isn't making a comic with Quest Friends, she's still making her own amazing comics which you should absolutely check out.
The other thing is to watch this feed on September 23rd, because on September 23rd will be releasing a table read version of the show in celebration of our two-year anniversary! And then on Patreon for any Patreon subscribers one dollar above, we'll also be releasing the actual script for the comic, along with any concept art that was performed by Mandy, and then another artist or two as well. And this table read and script version are just a small portion of our big two-year anniversary, which we're still doing and has other components to it.
The first is that on Friday, September 20th from 8 PM to 10 PM central time, we'll be having a Q&A stream on our Twitch page. Just come hang out with us! We're going to do some questions. We'll talk with the chat. We might play a game, who knows, it's up in the air, but it's going to be a great time. We really want to celebrate the fact that we've been doing this for two years, and we have at this point of recording over 50,000 downloads, which is a lot.
[00:25:00]
It's, it's really ridiculous. [A pause.] And yeah, sorry, just hit me for a second. Yeah.
So, um, feel free to reach out to us on any social media or on our contact page in order to submit questions for that Q&A. And then also I've put a link below, a little Google form, if you would rather use that. In addition to the script, in addition to the table read, in addition to the stream, we will do one final thing for celebration, and that's going to be releasing a limited time sticker run for all new and upgrading Patreon subscribers from September through October!
This really, really cute sticker, which was drawn by Mandy and features Xoc and Misha just being real cute as usual, will be available again to all new and upgrading Patreon subscribers in the months of September and October. It will also be available to folks at the $20 or the $50 level, because I'm not going to make you spend more money, that would be ridiculous. So if you're interested in any of the things I mentioned, I have links to all of them below and I'm also going to be creating an official post that compiles all this information on a single page.
If I get it done tonight, it'll be in the link below. Otherwise, it will be available down there in a few days when I get it made up. And even though this is already going to be a very, very long announcement break, I've still got two NPC shoutouts that I have to do. NPC shout outs go to $5 and above Patreon subscribers, and I've got two subscribers who have been waiting for a while on their things. So I want to make sure to get those shout outs now.
Kyle (as Steve the Scrat)
Hi, the first Patreon shoutout goes to Daddy-o, or FibInSlinger, and it comes from me, Steve the Scrat. And Daddy-o says, how about a couple of dad jokes / riddles? Question: how do you make a cat bark? Answer: cover it with gasoline, toss a match on it, woof! Oh, is that a little too dark even for this group of listeners? Well, how about another one? Question: why can't the pony talk? Answer: it was a little hoarse. I'm here all week folks!
Kyle
All right. Thank you, Steve the Scrat, and thank you, Daddy-o, or FibInSlinger.
Our next shout-out goes to Mary, and she says, the most unlikely character has to say, just...be nice.
Oh, okay.
Kyle (as VIRGULE)
Well, time to kill my voice! Hey, it's me, Virgil. And I gotta tell you today: just be...
[Whispering.]
What?
[Whispering.]
I gotta say it nicer?! Ugh.
[Pained.] My name’s Virgil, and my message for you is just-be-nice.
Ugh.
Kyle
All right. Thank you Mary and thank you, Daddy-o for supporting us on Patreon. That is actually all I have for you today! If you lost any of what I mentioned today, just look at the links below. It should contain all the information I covered, and I will be talking to all of you again on Monday, September 2nd. I'll see you!
[Dramatic music begins to swell, then fades into the romantic guitar music once again.]
Kyle (as Rei)
[The music fades.]
Why are you here, Elee? I know—I know I shouldn't ask. I-I know I shouldn't, but that's why I'm not, I'm not solving a puzzle. I am just asking. Why are you here?
Emily (as Elee)
[Anxiously.] Hi! Um.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Elee)
[Stammering nervously.] You're...really smart and pretty...um, um, I'm looking for, for well, one person I'm looking for is a woman, who's not, not as, as great as, as you, but is is also a professor—you're a Prof—I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Kyle (as Rei)
All right, Elee. I...
Kyle
And she looks a little disappointed. She's like,
Kyle (as Rei)
All right, that's all I needed to hear.
Kyle
And she stands up.
Emily (as Elee)
[Crosstalking.] No, wait—
Kyle (as Rei)
[Crosstalking.] I wish, I wish you the best of luck at finding whoever this other woman is.
Emily (as Elee)
Rei, please. Maybe you can help. I messed up.
[Plain but hopeful music begins to play.] I mean I messed up a lot with you, and...and...and you know, with other people, and I really messed up in a more global sense.
[00:30:00]
Kyle
Rei has...her back is turned. She's walking away. She's like, whatever you failed another relationship, and then she hears global sense.
[The music stops.] She rolls her eyes, turns around and says,
Kyle (as Rei)
[Sternly.] What did you would do?
Emily (as Elee)
[More mischievous music begins to play.]
Can we sit?
Kyle
She sits down and she kicks out a chair for you to sit in.
Emily (as Elee)
[Painfully awkward.] Or actually maybe I should just stand, I should probably just stand. That was a mistake. I'm sorry. Um, um, I answered an ad and...and then, I along with the other people who answered it, unleashed a giant cloud of magical spiders. Um, that I'm still not 100% clear on what they do, but it's bad, and the woman I was looking for, we thought that she was gonna be able to help, but I...I don't know if she is um, and then there's like a side thing where we're trying to stop the Jagged Dream, but that's like a little lower key, but they're on the ship. Did you know that?
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Rei)
[The music stops.]
Elee? Uh, Elee, I take pride in my knowledge of puzzles. I'm a professor now. Did you know that?
Emily (as Elee)
Yeah, I...
Kyle (as Rei)
[Crosstalking.] Were you there for that? No, you weren't there for that. No, I'm a professor now and I take quite a pride in my puzzle solving. I don't know what on Earth you just talked about.
Emily (as Elee)
Okay, the Apocrita's like a little more...abstract. Um, but the, the woman was not like a woman like, like for me, she was...she was like in it, like a scientist who just happen to be a woman. It, uh, it came out wrong at the beginning, but the other thing, Rei, I know that I screwed up really bad. I want to explain.
Kyle
She's going to...
Emily (as Elee)
[Crosstalking.] I know...
Kyle
She's going to look at you and you can see her eyes, and she's gonna pull out an exercise that you remember from back when you were dating.
Emily
[Glumly.] Great.
Kyle
She raises her hand and puts up five fingers and she says,
Kyle (as Rei)
Five words, Elee. You have five words to explain what and why you would need my assistance, what global threat is out there, and if it cannot be summed up in five words, I will just go on my way. You're familiar with how that works, aren't you?
Emily
[Pained noise.]
[A clock begins to tick in the background.]
Elee looks down and counts on her fingers to try to figure out what words to use. She tries to go quick because Rei doesn't have patience, and Rei shouldn't have patience.
[The clock continues ticking in several seconds of talking.]
Kyle
For listeners, there's so much dead are that I just cut.
Tom
Wow, rude, Kyle.
Emily (as Elee)
I only need four.
Kyle (as Rei)
Well, you've already spent them.
Tom
[Laughter.]
Emily (as Elee)
Shit! Shit. Oh, I was so caught up in being super clever—Rei, there's gonna be a lot of death if we don't stop what's on the ship. Like, like I know this is like a lot of words. Do you want to still hear the four before that? I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I'm really nervous. I don't, I don't—
Kyle
[Crosstalking.] She raises up a finger for the first word.
Kyle (as Rei)
I'm starting to count now.
Emily (as Elee)
[Flatly.] Mass death, two days.
Kyle (as Rei)
[Jazzy music begins to play as Rei starts to work out a puzzle.]
Well, that's really unclear, honestly. Is the death two as in, two the number in two days, or is it "to" the concept of days itself? [Annoyed scoff.]
Kyle
And she gets upset for getting intrigued in this mystery.
Emily (as Elee)
See, the purpose isn't to make a clearly solvable puzzle, Rei. The purpose is to interest you. You are so much smarter than me.
Kyle (as Rei)
I don't—nope. No, nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope! Not—I'm here for the death and nothing else.
Tom
[Laughter.] Can I quote that out of context on our Twitter?
[The music fades out.]
[Laughter from the party.]
Kyle (as Rei)
Do you know what will be used to cause this mass death, or where it is?
Emily (as Elee)
[Eerie, haunting music begins to play.]
The Jagged Dream has a machine called Argent and it can pull something from a different time. They've got it on the ship. We're not sure where, but we know that in two days they're going to use it to pull something, and they're going to use it to incite a global war.
Kyle (as Rei)
All right. [Sighs.] Not a whole lot of pieces...
Emily (as Elee)
[Crosstalking.] Yeah, well..
Kyle (as Rei)
There to...
Emily (as Elee)
They're going to—it, it's going to power itself on people, which is also not great.
Kyle (as Rei)
A few more pieces there for the puzzle. It sounds like that none of that matters though. All we have to do is find this power source. One second though, I actually need to grab one of my students who expressed an interest in that.
[00:35:00]
Kyle
[The ominous music fades into something more upbeat and mischievous with a maraca beat.]
And she reaches over and she comes back with Soe, and Soe says,
Kyle (as Soe)
Hi Mom. This is my teacher!
Emily
[Muffled stressed noise, like Emily buried her face in her hands.]
Ari
[Dryly.] Awkward levels have increased.
Emily
[Firmly.] Do not end it here!
Kyle
Rei just looks at you, and looks at Soe, and looks back at you, and kind of narrows her eyes, and reluctantly gives you one heart point through association with your daughter.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Reluctantly! You, Soe, and Rei make your way down to the third deck, and you start weaving through the spooky scary hallways, which are still pretty dim. There's not a whole lot of light, but they're not like, the horror they were when Hop was in there. And Soe is just talking how much she likes the, how much she likes the ship, and she's just asking so many questions about it and is so excited.
Do you pipe in at all?
Emily
I would know if Soe had brought any of her model airships, right?
Kyle
Yes. They're on the uh, Ladybug.
Emily
I'm gonna ask Soe, err, I'm just going to mention to Rei, like,
Emily (as Elee)
I don't know if Soe told you, but she makes these amazing model airships.
Kyle (as Soe)
[Brightly.] Yeah. I mean, they're just models. They don't actually fly yet.
Kyle
And they just, they keep going down. She's bounding. Soe has in no way pieced together what's happening, she hasn't figured it out yet. And Rei is just perplexed, looking from you to Soe, to the third candle to Soe, to you, very confused. Um, and eventually you start making your way to the hallway, and you see a very bright light, and these busted down walls. And you start hearing again, which I'm just going to use the audio I used earlier, some faint cussing.
[Muffled, frustrated cussing in the background. The specific words can't be made out.]
Emily
Elee stops. Stops dead.
Kyle
And Rei turns over to her, you, and says,
Kyle (as Rei)
[Firmly.] Best behavior.
Emily (as Elee)
[Plaintively.] I can't.
Kyle (as Soe)
Oh no, Mom, people swear all the time! June swore a lot and she was perfectly nice.
Tom
Awwww!
Emily
Is this is how you felt, Hallie?
Hallie
What?
Emily
Is this-- [Stops and laughs in realization.] Are you just reveling in this?
Hallie
This is the happiest I've been in days.
Tom
In days!
Emily
Uhh.
Hallie
Days! This is nice, watching somebody else squirm. I fucking love it.
Emily
Elee...Elee's going to keep walking, but she's going to be very slow, and kind of drag her feet and wring her hands and keep looking back and forth at, at Rei and Soe.
Kyle
Rei's going to just walk forward and she's gonna just bluntly say,
Kyle (as Rei)
[Sharply.] Oh come on, Elee. You're not the one this will be hard for.
Hallie
[Smugly.] Burn.
Kyle
And Soe turns over to you and says,
Kyle (as Soe)
Are you okay Mom? Is everything...is everything okay? Are you seasick again?
Emily (as Elee)
No—
Kyle (as Soe)
[Crosstalking.] I tried to look up some books about seasickness, but it seems like Haymish must have checked all of those out himself.
Emily (as Elee)
Soe, you're going to meet someone and I want to have a conversation about it afterwards.
Emily
[In dread.] All right, she's gonna keep going.
Kyle
[Jaunty, upbeat music begins to play.]
You hear this cussing, you see Rei is just sitting there looking around. She's actually started picking up some of the mess that's just been left around, uh, since remember this workstation is very messy. So she's just organizing it, and it looks like she's just waiting for the cursing to stop, and the cursing, it kind of sounds like a car? Like, [Kyle makes the sound of a car speeding by, where it's loud and then fades into the distance quickly.]
Like fuck shit piss— [Fades out quickly.]
[The music fades.]
And then eventually it stops, and you see, leaning over the engine, mid, like, hammerstrike, you see Sera just look at you with her mouth agape.
And I need you to roll speed defense.
Emily
[Gasping laughter.] Okay.
[Dice roll.]
[Plaintively.] A three.
Kyle
Suddenly, like an incoming like fucking bomber plane, you hear, [Frantic whistling.]
As just what looks like a furry blanket slaps on to your face and start scuttling around you, all over you, and eventually just plops itself on the side of your head in a hug.
Emily
Elee's frozen in horror, and she like, doesn't try to grab it and rip it off because she's still, like, she's still staring at Sera, but she like, reeled at it hitting her and now she's like, I want to get it off but I can't move.
Kyle
And then you hear Sera—
Emily
[Crosstalking.] But I hate it.
Kyle
You hear Sera say something
[00:40:00]
that she didn't say with Hop.
Kyle (as Sera)
[Sternly.] Chitters, down.
Kyle
And the like blanket kind of unfurls and looks a little confused. You see these big black eyes just kind of look and she says,
Kyle (as Sera)
Chitters, no, down. Chitters.
Kyle
And Chitters just goes, [Sad whistling.] And looks sad, and then just slowly climbs down, and then uh, and then he sees Rei and he gets excited and he scampers up on her side.
Emily
You know that thing you do after there's, like sometimes after you get a bug off you, and you like, shutter and, like, squirm?
Kyle
Yeah.
Emily
Yeah, that's what Elee's going to do, but she's still just staring at Sera.
Kyle
Uh, and Sera will just—her mouth is agape again, and she just says,
Kyle (as Sera)
[Flatly.] Sorry about Chitters. He's my...companion. I guess that was after you would know.
Kyle
And then since she's on the mobile, she just slides out of view, and Rei walks over to Soe and just there's quietly speaking, and she's like,
Kyle (as Rei)
Oh, okay, so that's...
Kyle
Saying things like,
Kyle (as Rei)
Okay, so that's Sera, she's the engineer.
Kyle
And you can see that she walks away with, uh, Soe, and they round the corner back where Sera was. You just hear Soe, she started piping up. She's like,
Kyle (as Soe)
Hi! My name is Soe. It's really nice to meet you. He's really cute, he seems to like hugs. Can I have a hug?
Kyle
And Sera starts talking a little bit again too.
[Closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]
And then after a few seconds, Rei comes back, and she just stands there and she looks at you for a second. And then she motions her head towards, uh, the desk.
Kyle (as Rei)
Okay. I found, ah, Sera's map of the Prodigious. It should help us find...should help us find anything suspicious.
[Closing theme intensifies.]
Tom
It's fucking Steven Universe again, you're going to bring this shit here? They unfused?
Kyle
I don't know. We'll play it by ear. Hop's is last regardless.
Ari
[Quietly.] Hop's is always last.
Kyle
What?
Hallie
[Indignant.] Shut up Ari!
Ari
[Mischievously.] Nothing. Hallie heard, that's the important part.
[Laughter from the party.]
Kyle
It's as clear as the Truth! I like the floof better.
Tom
The floof.
Kyle
Faloof! It's as clear as faloof to you.
Tom
God. God help us.
Kyle
So it was clear that they were having books right, that they had physical books.
Tom
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Emily
Yeah.
Kyle
I made it clear that...yeah
Tom
You made it clear that that Meeghan has planted the coke on Soe, when the cops come.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Ari
[Laughter.] That's a phrase.
Kyle
Hit that negotiation music!
Tom
[Startled.] Uh, I got—lemme, lemme search—
Kyle
[Kyle begins singing Pursuit ~ Cornered from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.] It's the, it's the, uh, the Phoenix Wright. [Kyle begins singing it again.]
Ari
That's...
Kyle
[Still singing.]
Ari
That's not a negotiation music! That's, that's a...
Kyle
Whatever.
Emily
[As Kyle is still singing in the background.] So are we gonna debate? Or am I just gonna tell you?
Tom
Kind of sounds like we have a lot of subplots and, and romantic subplots that are left hanging and just like, in a state of crisis. It's almost like romantic relationships are a focus of this arc.
Kyle
Almost!
Tom
Almost.
Kyle
[Dryly.] Wonder why I would do that...on my big ship arc.
Emily
[Laughter.]
Tom
It is very ironic that we are on a ship that sinks, and is known for sinking, and, and there are other ships that are also sinking.
Kyle
They all are.
Emily
Not all of them.
Tom
Not all, but...
Ari
Well, not all of them. We're fine.
Kyle
Yours aren't sinking, but they aren't starting either.
Hallie
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Yours just haven't, haven't left the port. Xoc's just standing there looking at the pier, he and Misha are in the boat being like man, those are really nice ships. I'd love to be in a ship.
Hallie
But here we are in this boat.
Kyle
[Laughter.]
And that'll be the end of the episode. That's an ending.
Emily
There we go.
Kyle
There's, there's, there's—
Emily
[Crosstalking.] That's an ending.
Kyle
[Crosstalking.] There's the money.
Hallie
[Crosstalking.] There it is!
Emily
[Crosstalking.] I feel nauseous.
Kyle
[Crosstalking.] There's the money!
Emily
It's fine.
[Episode ends - 00:44:15]