• Quest Friends!

The Cookie Crew, Part 4

Updated: Apr 29, 2019

The crew's quest comes to a close. But will this finale be bitter, like a Snapoa, or sweet, like any reasonable cookie?

Listen as the crew:

DAZZLES their foes with all the colors of the rainbow!

CONTINUES to wait for backup!

BECOMES a brigade!

TRANSCRIPT (Downloadable Version):

Previously on Quest Friends: The Cookie Crew.

[Opening theme, “Great Fun” by Antarctic, begins.]

Hallie

You have the treaty, and you have a box of Snapoas, the worst cookie.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Agreed upon by everyone.

Cassidy

So I will do what I can with these cookies, and this treaty, which I'm whipping out to start reading through to kind of prepare myself.

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

If you would be so kind as to tell me what those matters are, I will determine whether they're important enough to bother the empress with.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Meanwhile Ig and I will go to the find the ship. I didn't even catch, did anybody catch what the name of the ship was? I guess...

Emily

Let me see if I can use the majority of my abilities in one go,

Hallie

While you're on the boat, uh, you'll hear like a shop across the way, the bell ding? And then you will hear a familiar voice:

Hallie (as “Black-Eyed” Susan)

I think it's kind of cool. I don't know, like it adds an edge, you know? Like our ship is called The Sandbar. It's not that exciting. We're called PB&J.

Hallie

And then they'll just like, stop.

Emily (as Ig)

I think it does too!

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Hallie

They’re just going to go,

Hallie (as PB&J)

What the fuck?

Hallie

And then…

Cassidy

Appropriate.

Hallie

Yes. Um, I'm gonna say they don't see Hannelore because there are boxes and stuff, and they are completely distracted by this, by Ig.

Olivia

I'm jumping on, my sound dampener's on, I'm jumping onto the boat.

Hallie

Okay. Through the porthole?

Olivia

Well, I was going to try to jump onto the boat and then into the porthole. I don't think I could like, thread the needle but. Yeah.

Hallie

I was gonna give you that because of your climbing ability.

Olivia

Oh, okay, cool. Then that's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna thread the needle.

Hallie

Okay. So you're through the porthole. So we'll say you're doing that like, as they come out, then. Staring at Ig on their boat. And then they'll, Jonquil and Poppy will both like elbow Susan. Did you leave the gangplank out? And she’ll be like,

Hallie (as "Black-Eyed" Susan)

[Whispering, embarrassed.] Oh my god.

Emily (as Ig)

[Excited.] She did!

Hallie (as "Black-Eyed" Susan)

You guys have to stop leaving me in charge of things!

Olivia

She did, [Laughter.] says Ig, dancing impishly.

Cassidy

Hah hah! Ta da!

Olivia

Is, is, is she lighting the deck on fire?

Hallie

No, she's just spraying the ropes. She just is on fire.

Olivia

[Confused.] But, but like does the the fire catch? Like from her feet.

Emily

I would assume it would be charring–

Hallie

It's charring.

Emily

But I'm not putting effort in to actually burn anything yet.

Hallie

Because it's like your focus, you can kind of control how damaging it is.

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

So it's, they're gonna have to pay more money now to fix their ship, but like.

Emily

[Quietly, but very happy.] Yeah.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Wait for the signal to know, to know when to just burn it down.

Hallie

So um, then Poppy is going to elbow Susan.

Hallie (as Poppy)

Well how much is this gonna cost now?

Hallie

And then, they're all three them are going to run up the gangplank.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

...Cause you're on their ship.

Emily

Can I [Laughter.] can I use another ability?

Hallie

Yeah, what do you want to do?

Emily

I want to do the card trick where you find something in, [Laughter.] behind someone's ear.

Hallie

[Long, incredulous raspberry laughing noise.]

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Laughing uncontrollably.] You wanna do--okay! [Trying to calm down.] Give me a roll, to make a card appear behind someone's ear.

Olivia

If you get a natural twenty, it's a card behind of all their ears.

Emily

[Long gasp. Slow applause in the background.]

Olivia

[Eagerly.] Did you? Did you?

Emily

[Triumphant clapping and glee.] Nat twenty!

Olivia

[Excited groan.]

Hallie

Is it a nat twenty?

Cassidy

Oh my gosh!

All

[Laughter continuing throughout Hallie’s entire speech.]

Hallie

[As the rest of the party laughs in the background.] I will take that into suggestion. As the three of them are like, running up the gangplank, they will all feel behind their right ear a card. And they'll pull out this card, like it just..

All

[Still laughing.]

Olivia

[Sarcastically.] Was this your card?

Cassidy

[Through breathless laughter.] Is this card gonna pay for the damages?

Hallie

And they're just confused by this. And then like, [Laughter.] Jonquil is in particular is upset by this card that just appeared behind her ear. And she's gonna look at you and be like,

Hallie (as Jonquil)

What is your game here?

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

[Slightly mocking.] Card!

Emily (as Ig)

Wait, wait, guys. Wait, okay, hold your cards up.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)

All three of you hold your cards up, and I'm going to show you another trick with them. Okay?

All

[Dissolving into laughter.]

Emily

And I want to use hedge magic to make them change colors.

Hallie

Okay, to make the cards change colors? So they're not holding up their cards. They're not gonna go along with it, but you can cast hedge magic to try to make this happen anyway. I want three separate rolls though, for each card. Do Poppy first.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Emily

Okay. Poppy...eight. Okay, who's next.

Hallie

Susan.

Emily

19.

Hallie

[Another raspberry laughing sound.] Okay. Um.

Emily

[Frustrated groan.] Four.

Hallie

Okay. So Susan's card is like glowing rainbowy, like you really nailed this card.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

It's not just one color, it is a lot of colors. Like a, it's a rainbow tie-dye. And Poppy and Jonquil were actually moving towards you to like, engage you in battle, but at the sight of Susan's card, they'll catch in their eye, they'll like look from that card to their cards, and then Poppy will say,

[00:05:00]

Hallie (as Poppy)

Well why isn't my card doing that?

Hallie

And then Jonquil will throw her card like at Jonquil. It flutters uselessly to the ground because it's a card. It's like when Job tries to throw the letter into the ocean, and say, like,

Hallie (as Jonquil)

It doesn't matter, she's burning our ship even more and we're just letting it happen.

Hallie

And Jonquil is going to do a little acrobatic flip towards. She's going to try to–

Emily (as Ig)

[Excited.] Oh cool. How did you do that?

Hallie

She's next to you now, but she just realized that you're on fire, so like touching you is hard, like. And then she'll kind of like...

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Jonquil)

[Long, frustrated whining noise.] I don't wanna--[Garbled protest, more whining.] Poppy!

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Poppy)

Poppy is still looking from her card to Susan's.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

And she's like,

Hallie (as Poppy)

Well I don't understand why my card isn't doing it.

Hallie

So while this is happening on deck, while Ig is successfully baffling these pirates. Hannelore, what are you up to?

Olivia

Hannelore is swallowing the cat's eye pill.

Hallie

Okay.

Olivia

And like getting a lay of the land.

Hallie

So it is, it is dark down there. There are like a few lanterns, but you can see fine.

Olivia

Okay. Yeah I can. Okay. I'm gonna start sneaking around and peeking in windows.

Hallie

Okay.

Olivia

I don't know where–I wasn't a sailor so I wouldn't necessarily know where the brig would be. I was in the Army.

Hallie

You will have landed in like a storage room, but the door is open so you can just keep moving on and looking through.

Olivia

Okay, all right, I'm sneaking out.

[A comedic sneaky tune picks up in the background as Hannelore explores.]

Hallie

Okay, you're looking at–are you just opening doors?

Olivia

Like, quiet–yes, like sneaky.

Hallie

Like sneakily, yeah. So you will find a couple bedrooms, and like a second storage, what looks like a galley, and then as you're opening the fifth door, roll me a speed defense roll.

[Dice rolling.]

Olivia

[Reluctantly.] Uhh, six? [Resigned.] Pleasure knowing you.

Hallie

So as you're opening that door–

Emily

You pulled a Mako!

Hallie

A single shoe will come and just nail you straight in the face.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Startled.] Ow!

Hallie

And you hear Madeline Jefferjames yell,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Take that!

Olivia

The wheels, like, [Squeaks.] like down my face.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Yeah, the wheels like, the wheels have been popped out specifically for the throw. Immediately after that, like, she's just going to bowl over you because she thinks you're one of the pirates.

Olivia

Okay, she's doing so silently because I have the sound dampener still strapped to my chest.

Hallie

Yes, so that there's no sound happening. Uh, hey can't hear this from up on deck.

Olivia

It's like an old-timey movie.

Hallie

Yes. So she will like grapple you, and then realize,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Hannelore!

Hallie

And then she'll step up and she'll–

Olivia

Only it's silent. Admittedly, this will be difficult to roleplay.

Hallie

I think you can hear inside the thing. It's just that no one can hear outside.

Olivia

Oh cool. Okay, okay.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Whispering.] Hi, hi, it's me, Hannelore. Um, we're busting you out, where are the cookies.

Hallie (as Madeline)

Oh, the cookies are in the galley. They're back there.

Olivia

I hand her her shoe.

Hallie

Yes. She was already like, trying to take it. She likes her shoes, it pained her a lot to take those off.

Olivia

Yeah, I get...I've noticed that about her actually.

Cassidy

[Surprised.] They let her keep her shoes?

Hallie

They did. They let her keep her–they're idiots.

Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

They also we're fully planning on doing like, a roller derby challenge match, so she'd need her shoes for that.

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Oh my gosh.

Olivia

Settle an old score.

Hallie

So Madeline will take her shoe back and then say,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Where's, yeah, the cookies are over there. I've been trying to get out of here, but like, luckily for them their locks are not very good. So I was able to pick it.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay, let's…

Olivia

I motion her.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Let's start sneaking down the galley.

Olivia

Is the galley door open?

Hallie

Yes, it's one of the ones that you had opened but you just, Madeline like wasn't in there so you moved on.

Olivia

Okay, and I yeah, that's right. I was looking for Madeline. Okay, so I'm going to sneak inside. Do I see the cookies or the crate?

Hallie

Yes, it's...well there's like a cupboard that's kind of like peaked open a little bit.

Olivia

Uh-huh.

Hallie

And you can see the corner of the box over there. Madeline's already going for it, she recognizes it. So you can pull down the box of cookies. It has clearly been–

Olivia

The whole crate?

Hallie

The crate of the cookies. It's clearly been opened, like several boxes are missing.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Whispering.] Okay, it's fine.

Hallie

And Madeline will like.

Hallie (as Madeline)

[Loud thump.]

Hallie

Hit the table.

Hallie (as Madeline)

[Whispering.] Dammit.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

It's okay. It's okay. Just leave those empty boxes. We don't want to present them with crappy empty boxes of cookies.

Olivia

And I'm picking up the box, and I'm making for the deck.

Hallie

Okay, she will follow you. She's not skating. She's just running.

Olivia

I can't, I can't hold my weapon. I'm just holding the box. So maybe she should actually get in front of me.

Hallie

Okay. She'll do that.

Olivia

Okay.

Hallie

She'll lead you out of the, she knows the ship.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay, let's get out of here.

Hallie

Having been on there for a night.

Olivia

So we're just going to bust, all right, so we're coming. We're gonna bust up and then we're just...

Hallie

Are you just gonna bust up from behind them?

Olivia

And we're going to make a run for it. Yeah.

Hallie

Okay, so you will make a run for the deck and you'll come up behind everyone else.

Olivia

Okay. I'm going to keep sneaking as long as I can.

Hallie

You're gonna keep–okay, so they won't hear you because you have the sound dampener. So no one is facing you except for Ig. Do you try to communicate with her at all?

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Excellent. All right. I'm holding the box, then just nodding my head like, like just get ready buddy, because we're getting we're going to get going, and I'm making my way to the gangplank and I'm sneaking down it with Madeline.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily

Ig is not understanding--

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily

--what the nod means exactly? So she's interpreting it as a good job.

Hallie

[Loud raspberry laughing noise.]

All

[Loud laughter.]

Cassidy

Keep going!

Olivia

You're killing it!

Emily

So I'd like, I'd like to cast hedge magic again.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

On what this time.

Emily

So Poppy was really upset.

[00:10:00]

Hallie

Poppy was upset her card did not match Susan's.

Emily

Yeah.

Olivia

It was very lackluster.

Emily

[Thoughtfully.] I want to put in a level of effort.

Hallie

Okay.

Emily

To use hedge magic to make her hair rainbows.

Hallie

To make Poppy's hair a rainbow?

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay! Make me a roll.

Olivia

It's a good thing that Hannelore is in this dampening bubble because she would be gasping.

Emily

[Gasps, distraught.] No! [Distressed noise.]

Hallie

What'd you get?

Emily

An eight!

Hallie

Okay. Yes, you do it. An eight, an eight will turn her hair into a rainbow.

Cassidy

[Victorious gasp.]

Emily

Woo!

Olivia

Nice, nice.

Hallie

But she'll just like, stand there, and then Susan will look at her and Poppy will go,

Hallie (as Poppy)

What?

Emily (as Ig)

Your hair's so pretty!

Hallie (as Poppy)

[Panicked.] What did you do to my hair? Oh God, what did she do to my hair? I just got it cut like last week. What did you do to it?

Hallie

And Jonquil will look at her hair and then say,

Hallie (as Jonquil)

Oh my God, it's a rainbow. It looks worse than it did before.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

[Jokingly.] We hate colors.

Hallie

And Poppy will go,

Hallie (as Poppy)

Damn it!

Hallie

Um, but now there is a GM intrusion on...

Cassidy

[Worried.] Ohh...

Hallie

I was gonna give it to Hannelore but I've already given one to Hannelore, so I will give this GM intrusion to Ig, which is that Jonquil has been like, kind of hopping around you like a sparrow this entire time, trying to find somewhere flames aren't covering your body so that she can like Tai Chi block you.

Olivia and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

She has finally decided that the best option for this is to just like take her foot and knock your footing out from under you.

Olivia

[Impressed.] Ooh!

Hallie

Sp you are now like, on the ship. But she realizes her mistake immediately, because Susan and Poppy are both yelling,

Hallie (as Susan and Poppy)

Now there's even more fire on our deck!

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

But Poppy is going to try to drench you in water. She's very upset with her hair. So roll me a speed defense. Hannelore and Madeline are still making their way down the plank. They have not been noticed. They have this sound dampener.

Olivia

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're sneaking.

Emily

18.

Cassidy

Woo hoo!

Hallie

Okay. Yeah, you roll like–actually so Poppy and Susan are both going to approach you, but there's just enough space in between them that you can just roll between them as they try to get up close to douse you in water. As you roll, you leave behind a trail of flames that are on the ship, and I will let you just roll down the gangplank here if you want.

Emily

Okay, so I want to say,

Emily (as Ig)

[Clearly upset.] I am so sorry, I thought because you wanted the-- I thought you wanted your card to glow, and so I thought it would be even nicer if I made your hair glow. It's gonna wear off, I promise!

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Probably.

Hallie

So are you saying this as you're like, rolling down, because you're like rolling off the ship.

Emily

Yeah, I'm like, just like word vomiting apologies as I roll, and eventually, hopefully manage to make my way to my feet and like, stumble off.

Olivia

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So they're watching you run off. I'm going to say that Hannelore and Madeline, you were really hustling and you have the sound dampener. So you're already gone. Like you're off, you can have been hiding behind a create.

Olivia

I...I uh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna like deactivate the sound dampener to scream to Red Mary, because as someone who talks to machines I can distantly activate a car.

Hallie

You sure can.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Screaming, panicked.] Mary! Mary! Get going! Mary!

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Mary!

Olivia

So she has, she's started and she's coming towards us.

Hallie

Poppy is currently trying to like, douse with all the flames left behind by Ig.

Olivia

[Frustrated gasp.] Oh, I forgot to pour the acid! Aw, regrets and mistakes.

Hallie

You're fine. So then–

Olivia

[Desperately excited.] Can I throw? Can I use my experience to throw it?

Hallie

To do, to do what?

Olivia

I want to pass that vial to Madeline and I'm just going to say,

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Just...torch ‘em.

Olivia

Like, I'm going to wiggle it out of my breast pocket, and I'm going to hand it to Madeline, like I'm gonna adjust the cookies and I'm going to hand it to Madeline. I'm like,

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Just burn them. Burn them to the ground.

Hallie

[Confused.] The slime cypher?

Olivia

Yeah the sol–the solvent. I want the living solvent to eat through their house.

Hallie

[Surprised but excited, laughing.] Okay!

All

[Laughter.]

[A driving rock song begins to pick up in the background.]

Hallie

Madeline will say,

Hallie (as Madeline)

With pleasure.

Hallie

And then spray that corner of the ship.

Olivia

[Smug.] Like a Molotov cocktail.

Hallie

Yes. Poppy is occupied by the flames, and Jonquil is just noticing that the ropes are like wiggling in the air?

Cassidy and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Olivia

[Jokingly.] Well that's weird!

Hallie

And is like,

Hallie (as Jonquil)

Well how are we supposed to sail now?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Susan will have glanced your way, and will see that you are doing this.

Olivia

We are making off.

Hallie

And she is going to head down the gangplank toward–she, she's going to fire her club gun at you, from the deck. She's trying–she's aiming it at Madeline, but she…

[Dice rolling.]

Will miss. Madeline just continues doing what she's doing, just hopping everywhere. She's using her heelies to like–

Olivia

She's like, doing it obnoxiously, like doing it backwards and stuff.

Hallie

She's just, yeah, she's just being a ham about it. So the Red Mary's on its way. Does it have remote start?

Olivia

I'm running.

Hallie

You're running towards it?

Olivia

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay.

[00:15:00]

Um, having torched what she wants, Madeline will follow suit on her heelies. Ig, what are you up to?

Emily

I'm going to follow but as I do I want to call to Susan.

Hallie

Okay.

Emily (as Ig)

[Pleading.] You're welcome to join us. You don't have to stay here.

Olivia

[Surprised.] What?!

Emily (as Ig)

Be free!

Hallie

Susan will not respond.

Emily (as Ig)

You don't have to pretend your name is a flower!

Hallie

Susan will not respond in words, but she will give you the double bird flip off as you're running away.

Emily

[Laughing.] I want to do it back with this huge grin, because I have not seen that before.

Olivia

[Fondly, laughing.] You're so strange. Ig is the most odd little creature,

Emily

I want to do it back and smile hugely.

Cassidy

[Admiring.] She's the most wonderful creature.

Emily (as Ig)

[Cheerfully.] All right, bye!

Hallie

You can reach the Red Mary, and as you reach them you can hear like still from the dock, cries of like,

Hallie (as Poppy)

Well we couldn't afford it before, how are we going to afford it now?

Hallie (as Jonquil)

I'll win money in the roller derby!

Hallie (as Poppy)

You're not good enough at the roller derby, Jonquil!

All

[Laughter from the party.]

Hallie

They are just really, they are falling into internal disarray. So you are back in the Red Mary. And are you driving back towards the...

Olivia

Yeah, I bundle everybody, I just shove Ig, and Madeline, and the box of cookies all in the backseat, and I run around to the front and, and I'm flooring it. I'm driving.

Emily

I have deactivated my flames, by the way.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Frantic.] Buckle up!

[A fast-paced rock song begins, fading as Hallie begins to speak.]

Hallie

It's the final announcement bake for The Cookie Crew! Haaa.

Thank you to everyone who joined us on this weird mini adventure with cookies, and diplomacy, and sort of Girl Scouts, and old camper vans, and also me as GM. I know that I had a lot of fun in this session, and Emily and our guest stars Olivia and Cassidy tell me they had fun. So unless they're liars, presumably they can't wait to do this again. And so we all hope you also had a good time.

Today's call to action is to check out a brand new podcast that was just released this week called Cinema Science, in which stressed out scientists and researchers are interviewed about the science behind their favorite movies, games, and TV shows. One of these stressed out grad students is our very own Ari Tena, who will guest star on a future episode talking about memory, of all things. Which is...hill-Ari-us. Ha, ha.

Cinema Science has two episodes out right now. You can find them at CinemaSciencePodcast.com and on Twitter as CinemaSciCast. Transcripts and additional info on each episode can also be found at the website, so be sure to check it out.

That brings me to the end of my very last announcement break, but it's only the last one for now because The Cookie Crew will be back for a brand new mini adventure that will probably go about as well as this one did. We will see on an as-yet undetermined date! But what is determined is the next episode of the main campaign, which is November 5th. See you then!

[Blood-pumping rock music begins and fades as Hallie begins to speak.]

Hallie

So as you're driving manically back up to the seaside retreat, we will cut back to Eraf, who is still under the very discerning gaze of Lady Margerete Verrebois.

Cassidy

[Weakly.] Woo!

Olivia

[Deep exhale.] My heart is pounding. Okay.

Cassidy

[Frustrated.] Ugh. Even though her cat likes my rose–

Hallie

Her cat likes the rose, but he's just staring at it. He's not like, behaving like a normal cat.

Emily

He's probably the one who murdered the people that Lady Glasswood had.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia

This is probably the one–he probably hired those pirates, man.

Cassidy

So I will quickly put the rose away, just kind of behind a part of my cloak or something. I don't know.

Hallie

The cat is unhappy.

Cassidy

I have pockets. The cat's fine.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Cassidy

Because I'm going to move on to the box of cookies that I have and display it to her, and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)

We offer not only a

[00:20:00]

chance at peace, but a chance that could economically benefit our nations. We have exports that you may be interested in and–

Cassidy

These are the really crappy cookies, right?

Hallie

Yeah, Snapoas.

Olivia

[Hopefully.] Maybe she likes them. She's a terrible person.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

[A folksy, up-beat song begins in the background.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Yep. That's what I'm gonna I'm gonna spin it as like, these are our exotic brand of–

Cassidy

What are they called again? Snap–

Hallie

Snapoas.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Snapoas, and they're regarded very differently by every person. Everybody likes them for different reasons, but we believe that they will please Her Majesty, and the many other cookies we have to share.

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

Many others.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Yes, just a small sample to begin with, I believe. Again, my acquaintances will be on their way soon.

Cassidy

And I would like to activate the psychic link, I believe, right now.

[The music fades.]

Hallie

You can just do that, there's no roll for it.

Cassidy

Can I make it obvious that I'm using it like kind of show off this?

Hallie

Yeah. It looks like a walkie-talkie.

Cassidy

Okay, so I'm showing off this amazing technology at the same time, and kind of, I'm like, okay, this better be enough time for you guys to get this done, in my head and I will–

Hallie

You have ten words.

Cassidy

Yes. To Ig, I will say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Are you on your way yet?

Hallie

Uh, she's, you're driving manically, correct?

Olivia

I am–it's like the end of 101 Dalmatians, man.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Like, I'm somehow crouched in the seat, bent over the steering wheel.

Hallie

So we'll say that instead of responding psychically, you will respond by just, hitting the horn as you're–

Olivia

[Loud, insistent horn noises.] Beep, beep beep beep!

Cassidy

[Laughter.] Perfect.

Emily (as Ig)

I don't know if there is...so, whether or not you can hear my psychic reply, I say, one.

Emily (as Ig)

[Highly distressed.] It's so louddd!

Olivia

[Laughter.] Not even an answer!

Hallie

At the sound of the horn, Lady Verrebois will like, look towards the window.

Cassidy

[Pleased.] Perfect.

[Opening theme, “Great Fun” by Antarctic, begins.]

Hallie

And just from outside, as the van approaches, Brenda and Betsy will look at each other. And Betsy will go,

Hallie (as Betsy)

Well Brenda, this isn't in the manual either!

Olivia, Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Olivia

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm putting the car in park. Like, I'm jerking the e-brake, and I'm getting out, and I'm picking up the box of cookies. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, I'm gesturing for Ig and Madeline to follow.

Emily

[Eagerly.] I'm following!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Madeline, if everything's going to plan we should have an appointment. Just do your magic!

Hallie

Okay, that's right, Madeline's with you now. Madeline will run up with you and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Hello. Hello. I am Madeline Jefferjames. I have very important business with the Empress today. We definitely have an appointment. Let us in!

Hallie

And Brenda and Betsy are just so alarmed, and they recognize the name drop from when–

Emily

Eraf did it earlier.

Cassidy

[Pleased.] Mm-hmm!

Hallie

They'll just throw up their hands and say,

Hallie (as Brenda and Betsy)

Go on in.

Hallie

So they will run in, and they will just like burst–well, Madeline will at least.

Cassidy

[Nervous.] Oh jeez.

Hallie

I don't know what you guys are doing. But Madeline is going to like, burst through the door and then gracefully on her heelies do like a wheel around Lady Verrebois, and then offer a handshake.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

She's such a showboat.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Lady Verrebois, my acquaintance, Miss Madeline Jefferjames.

[“Great Fun” fades out.]

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

[Condescendingly.] Ah, so she did come.

Olivia

Hannelore's chest is heaving like, she's holding these boxes, like her arms are quaking and she did manage to–beep beep!– lock the car as she went away. And like this, Ig is on top of the box.

Emily

Ig goes,

Emily (as Ig)

[Triumphantly.] Ta-da!

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

I'm covered in sweat and Hannelore is greasy, and visibly soaked.

Hallie

Lady Verrebois will kind of sigh, and say, like,

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

The Empress really does not have time for such shenanigans.

Halle

But because you made an entrance and you were very, very loud, there's just commotion happening around the mansion now, so before Lady Verrebois can can say any more about how she detests this sort of thing–

Cassidy

[Relieved.] Good.

[Low, ominous, rumbling music begins.]

Hallie

The door will open yet again, and in will enter a woman of about like, thirtyish. She entered the room, she will like burst aside the double doors, and then just stay there. She is wearing a loose robe-like garment that is onyx black in color. It reaches the floor, and as she moves into room the train seems to leave the floor just a little bit darker than it was before.

Olivia and Cassidy

[Nervously.] Ooh.

Hallie

She has white makeup covering her face, and her eyes are outlined in very heavy, like, kohl eyeliner and dark eyeshadow. Her hair is piled on the top of her head in an elaborate coif, which is kept back with a golden tiara that has a single stone of black quartz embedded in it.

Emily

[Quietly.] Is that Satan?

Hallie

And then she will say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

I trust no introductions are needed on my end. I am the Empress Challadien. [Indignant.] Who are you? Lady Verrebois, what is going on?

Hallie

And Lady Verrebois will be like,

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

Your majesty, I am so sorry. These are "diplomats" from Ancuan.

Hallie

And she will do air quotes.

Olivia

Visibly sweating.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Can't stress enough, Hannelore is filthy.

Hallie

[Laughter.] So Challadien will just take in everything in the room, which is that…

[00:25:00]

Describe what everyone looks like right now, what is the scene that she walks into?

Olivia

I've, I'm so glad you've asked, I've begun to sketch it.

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Good!

Cassidy

I look–Eraf looks fine. Her cape is billowing kind of dramatically now, [Laughter.] hopefully to kind of make a stronger point of their importance.

Olivia

And there's Hannelore carrying the big box with Ig--

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia

--with Ig on top. I'm gonna bring it down and I'm going to set it right in front of the empress.

Emily

I would like to hop off of the box and bow very deeply.

Cassidy

Ah, wonderful.

Emily

And then–how far is Eraf?

Cassidy

I'm standing by the mean lady.

Emily

[Laughing.] Can I use sleight of hand to take the rose and give it to her?

Cassidy

If I notice this–

Hallie

Make opposing rolls, I love opposing rolls. Do it.

Cassidy

Well no, if I notice this, can I give it to her?

Emily

I want to like, I want to be sneaky about it.

Hallie

Okay!

Cassidy

Yeah, that's, I'm going to try to subtly hand it to her at the same time of her trying to take it.

Emily

Do we need to roll then?

Hallie

Just Ig, roll.

Emily

15.

Hallie

Okay. Yeah, you take the rose, like, you just you just steal it. You don't know that Eraf just gave it to you. You think you just took it.

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

You're really pleased with yourself. And then what you want to do with it?

Hallie

I want to twirl it and hold it up to her, still bowing slightly.

Emily (as Ig)

My Lady.

Hallie

She will cock her head at the rose, and then say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

What an interesting color.

Hallie

You're doing this to the Empress, right?

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

And then she'll like–

Emily

[Whispering.] Guys, what color is it?

Hallie

It's like, pink.

Emily

Okay. Okay. I want to use hedge magic to make it glow.

Hallie

Make a roll!

Cassidy

[Nervous.] Oh, no. [Laughter.]

Emily

[Strained.] I just need to make it impressive enough!

Olivia

You got this, bud. You got this.

Emily

[Disappointed, still laughing slightly.] I rolled an eight.

Hallie

Do you want to use an XP to just make it glow?

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

It will dazzle several shades of pink and, like, she will cock her head a little bit more and then take the rose, and then say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

Have you come all this way to give me a rose?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)

[Sheepishly.] Well...

Cassidy

I'm going to kind of bump Madeline and hand her the treaty, and be like, do your job. [Laughter.]

Olivia

This is your time, stop–she's still doing pirouettes around the room. She's not even paying any attention at all.

Hallie

Yes. Okay. So Madeline pirouettes to a stop directly in front of the Empress, and she's doing that special roller skating stop where like one foot is behind the other.

Cassidy

[In judgement.] Oh my goodness.

Hallie

And then she will do a flourishing bow. It's not a low bow, it's like a halfway bow. She will say,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Empress. We've come all the way from Ancuan to give you not only this rose as a token of our esteem, but present to you a document that we believe is in the interests of both your Empire and the country of Ancuan.

Hallie

And then she will go for the document, and then realize she doesn't have it, and then look with fear at all of you.

Cassidy

I am already holding–

Hallie

Yes, you have it. Okay.

Cassidy

–handing it out towards her. Yes.

Hallie

She'll reach it, and then just re-present it to the Empress if that didn't happen.

Cassidy

Yeah, I'm gonna give her like a calming look.

Hallie

The Empress will like take it, and kind of leaf through it, and then say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

I don't understand. You want me to sign this and not attack Ancuan?

Hallie

And Madeline's like,

Hallie (as Madeline)

Pretty much, yeah.

Olivia

[Gasping.]

Cassidy

[Anxious laughter.] Oh my gosh.

Hallie

Madeline works differently.

Olivia

Hannelore's doing fingers over the cookies.

Hallie

Okay. Spirit fingers. Madeline will then skate backwards over to the cookies and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)

We also bring with us a special Ancuanian export, the cookies made by the Knights of Ancuan, and some made by Queen Anastasia herself as a token of her respect.

Emily (as Ig)

[Insistently.] They're really good.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Nervously.] We didn't eat them. We didn't need a single one.

Hallie (as Madeline)

They're all here,

Hallie

Madeline will add.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Lady Verrebois is like, scoffing openly, and she's like,

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

Ancuan thinks that cookies would make us...not take them over?

Hallie

I could not think of a follow-up for that. Challadien will kind of look over at Lady Verrebois and–

Cassidy

Can I cut in?

Hallie

Yes.

Hallie

Okay. I'm just gonna kind of look at the cookies and look back at them and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)

You haven't tried them yet.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Don't–get the snaps ones out of there.

Cassidy

Yeah. [Laughing.] Yeah. I'm not going–I'm going to kind of pull that box away. And say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Maybe you'll give it a second thought after trying the cookies.

Cassidy

And I don't know which one are the Anastasia cookies, but I'm going to hopefully rifle through and find those.

Hallie

Okay, you can find them. They're like, marked, they look different any other boxes.

Cassidy

Yep, and I will present them as well as I can

[Low, ominous music with a heavy bassline begins.]

Hallie

Challadian is going to take a step back a little bit and then say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

You're new to political Intrigue aren't you?

Cassidy

[Small snort.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Technically.

Hallie

She's going to look at Lady Verrebois, and Lady Verrebois will say,

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

We don't have any tasters on hand, madam. They could be–

Emily (as Ig)

What if I ate one?

[The music abruptly stops.]

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

[Taken aback.] I'm sorry, what now?

Emily (as Ig)

Well seems like you're worried about us poisoning you, and like, I know we're not poisoning you, so do you want me to try one? They're really good.

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

Well, that would be lovely.

Emily (as Ig)

'Course!

Emily

Like, Ig is really excited about this because she has been very hungry.

[00:30:00]

Cassidy

I'm gonna make sure she only takes one.

Olivia

Hannelore is going to make sure she doesn't get too many crumbs on her shirt and get them in the van.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily

I'm going to eat the cookie, and look up at them with like a big smile, maybe a little bit cookie crumb, but very earnest.

Hallie (as Lady Margarete Verrebois)

Lady Verrebois is openly disgusted.

Cassidy

[Laughing.] I glare at her.

Hallie

Challadien looks...everyone roll me a perception check.

Cassidy

[Intrigued.] Ooh.

Olivia

Eight.

Emily

[Excitedly.] Oooh, nineteen. Minor effect!

Cassidy

[Disappointed.] Four.

Hallie

Even if you're trained, you don't get it anyway. Ig, however, notices that the expression on Challadien's face is one of envy.

Cassidy

[Gleefully.] Oh-ho, she doesn't have cookies! And I will again offer the cookies, now that she knows that Ig's still standing, obviously.

Hallie

She'll take one. Lady Verrebois will kind of make to stop her, but then back up. Like she clearly doesn't like this, but she's not going to interfere now that the Empress is like physically here.

Olivia

I'm moving to stand next to Ig and Eraf, my buddy E. I'm going to stand next to...stand next to the two of them. Just cross my arms bravely.

Hallie

Okay. Challadien will take a bite of cookie, which is like a frosted sugar cookie. They're the kind you find in Meier that kids always bring in for their birthday parties in fifth grade, that kind.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Hallie

The melt in your mouth kind.

Cassidy

They’re the best kind.

Hallie

She will take a bite and chew it slowly, and an inscrutable expression comes across her face.

[Triumphant, uplifting music begins.]

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Emily (as Ig)

If she doesn't immediately answer, Ig is going to say, do you like it?

Hallie

She will look at at Ig, and then kind of like pull up the document that Madeline handed her and look at it, and then she'll flip to a certain page in the document. And then, she will say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

It says here there's a discount for bulk?

Emily, Cassidy, and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)

And Madeline says, there sure is! And does finger guns.

Cassidy

Oh, no!

Olivia

Just don't don't mess this up Madeline. Come on.

Hallie

And Challadien will take another bite of the cookie and she will say,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

The legacy of the Pyranthion Empire is one of complete and total domination. In the past, we have owned Milav, Miscobal, Ishlav, and Ancuan. And I intend to press my du jour claim on these lands. However, we've had a famine as of late, and it is possible that the glory of my Empire does not in fact lie in conquest.

Olivia

Hannelore is nodding.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Thoughtfully.] Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Hallie

And then she will pull out from one of her many folds, like her, her robe–

Emily

[Laughing.] I was picturing like really wrinkly and old!

Olivia

[Laughing.] Yeah. Me too, I saw her as like a horrifying pug.

Hallie

I am sorry. I meant like, her loose flowing garment has a lot of like hidden pockets, like women wish all their clothes had.

Cassidy

[Whispering.] Dress with pockets, yes!

Hallie

She'll reach in and pull out like a quill, like an elaborate quill, and then she'll wet her tongue which is difficult because she's holding a cookie and a quill and parchment. She'll like–

Hannelore

I'll hold the cookie for her or–no, I, my hands are filthy

Hallie

You can move to do it, but she's at just go stuff the rest of it in her mouth.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

And then she will sign it, and at the disapp–somewhat disapproving look from Lady Verrebois, she'll like motion back to the cookie box with a quill, like,

Hallie (as Empress Challadien III)

No, seriously, they're really good.

Cassidy

I'll offer one to Lady Verrebois as well.

Hallie

She won't take it. She's just gonna leave. Her cat will kind of start to leave and then look back at you.

Cassidy

Can I stick my tongue out at the cat?

Hallie

You sure can. It'll skitter away. It's not happy.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You've owned it, by merely sticking your tongue out at it

Cassidy

Annoying cats is my specialty.

Hallie

So yeah, Challadien will sign the thing, and Madeline will take it back, and you have successfully completed your mission.

Olivia, Emily, and Cassidy

[Cheers of victory.]

[Upbeat, classic rock-ish road-trip music plays.]

Cassidy

Do we get paid for this?

Hallie

We'll say that you–

Cassidy

We get paid in cookies.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Horrified.] Oh, WHAT?

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

I did not read the fine print!

Hallie

No, you don't [Laughter.] get paid in cookies. You'll be given a lot of cookies from Anastasia--

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

--because she makes them for everyone, but you will promoted and actually you get to be part of a special squad now.

Cassidy

[Excited gasp.]

Hallie

I don't have a name for you because I wanted you guys to make it up. I looked up, I was trying to do a play off of like, the Brownie scouts? But like the Girl Scouts don't have easily denotable like–

Olivia

Lady Scouts is kind of cumbersome.

Cassidy

[In agreement.] Mm-hmm.

Olivia

Cookie Crushers.

Cassidy

Hmm.

Olivia

Are our, are our missions going to be cookie based, or?

Hallie

They might be, who knows?

Olivia

All right. Ladies, what you think?

Cassidy

Okay, it's Queen Brackleberry, right?

Hallie

Yeah.

Cassidy

The Brackleberry Breakers.

Olivia

Brackleberry Babes?

Hallie

How about Brigade?

Cassidy, Olivia and Emily

Ooh!

Olivia

Brackleberry Brigade? Bracklebr…[Trails off into garbles.] That's gonna be hard for me to pronounce.

Cassidy

It's totally a mouthful. But we could just call ourselves the B.B.s!

Hallie

The B.B.s?

Olivia

B.B.s! Perfect. Love it.

Hallie

This is a new thing you're trying, so like you're not being sent immediately on another mission. But like, now Anastasia knows she has a weird crack team of people.

Olivia

We are driving with the windows down. We're driving back to our hometown and we are just like...

Cassidy

What music are we blasting?

Olivia

Hannelore is just screaming like... [Sings part of "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton VERY out of tune.] She's screaming Jolene songs, and like she's not even caring if you guys like, maybe eat a little bit, but as long as you're buckled up.

[00:35:00]

Emily

[Excited gasp.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)

I'm still enjoying a good book and some good cookies, and maybe singing along.

Olivia

Madeline, I might have tied to the bumper.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

She's scooting along on her skates.

Hallie

She's not even mad about it. Like she's, she loves it.

Olivia

This is what she's waiting for, you kidding me.

Emily

Ig's dancing as much as she can while still being safely buckled in.

Cassidy

Are you making everything glow?

Emily

Yeah. Just making like, maybe, you know if Eraf ever smiles while she's reading the book--

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Sometimes.

Emily

--someone will notice that her teeth are now glowing.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily

I've had a lot of sugar and I'm just messing with random things.

Hallie

Oh man. Good job guys. You did it.

Cassidy

We did it guys!

Emily

We did it!

Olivia

The B.B.s disappear into the sun.

Cassidy

[Excitedly.] Woo!

​[Ending theme fades.]

[Episode ends - 00:35:53]

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Numenera and its logo are trademarks of Monte Cook Games, LLC in the U.S.A. and other countries. All Monte Cook Games characters and character names, and the distinctive likenesses thereof, are trademarks of Monte Cook Games, LLC. Content derived from Monte Cook Games publications is © 2013-2017 Monte Cook Games, LLC. Read the full disclaimer here.​

Intro/Outro music by MiracleOfSound

Intro: "Friends" (YouTube, Bandcamp)

Outro: "Hitoshio" (YouTube, Bandcamp)