Hallmarked! Steals Christmas

[Upbeat Christmas music plays.]

Kyle

Oh-ho-ho! Welcome to Hallmarked! I’m Sandy Claws.

Hallie

And I’m Jack Skellington! That’s what this voice is! Oh-ho, merry Christmas!

Kyle

You did so much better this time than the first time…

Hallie

Thank you!

Kyle

…when we recorded for a solid five minutes.

Hallie

Yeah, without realizing Kyle hadn’t pressed record. You’re welcome for catching that. Merry Christmas to you.

Kyle

Yeah, merry Christmas to me. The only thing we would have caught was your audio and this ad that keeps playing on TierMaker. Those are the only two things we would have caught.

Hallie

The only two. You may be wondering why we have TierMaker up.

Kyle

Yeah! Because this year we are going to be ranking Christmas villains. I like to call this: Who could steal Christmas? That’s kind of the metrics I want to use. Hallie got really upset in the Facebook when I mentioned that. She was like what the fuck does that mean.

Hallie

Well, like, I mean… yeah, because like… okay. The Grinch, he’s on here, don’t worry, is like the standard for stealing Christmas. That’s his whole thing. Obviously the point is that you can’t steal Christmas because it is a mindset, it is a celebration, it is more than the presents and the goose and the roast beast or whatever else he takes. So like, what do you mean? Not all the Christmas movies we wanna talk about put Christmas in these terms.

Kyle

Basically, the way I think about it is who could get Christmas cancelled, who could just ruin Christmas.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fair.

Kyle

Stealing Christmas is the more exciting way.

Hallie

[Musically.] Stealing Christmas! Ba-da, ba-da!

Kyle

[Chuckles.] But I think more accurately it’s who could get Christmas cancelled. We’ve got our tiers here. They don’t have exciting names. I’m just gonna say Will Steal Christmas is our S tier, so these are the people we think could get away with it. Could Steal Christmas, eh, 50-50 shot. Can’t Steal Christmas.

Hallie

Makes the room light up when they walk in, just brings joy to everybody.

Kyle

And then Improves… I was gonna say Not A Villain, but I’m gonna say Improves Christmas. Will Steal, Could Steal 50-50, Can’t Steal Christmas, and Improve Christmas. That’s gonna be our metric, and we’re just gonna go through the villains. We are gonna start with the Grinch.

Hallie

Yes, because again, he is kind of the standard for the phrasing at least that we’re using.

Kyle

And it’s really tough because there are two versions of the Grinch. I mean, there’s the Benedict Cumberbatch version, but there’s the cartoon one where he…

Hallie

I forgot about the Benedict Cumberbatch version.

Kyle

Isn’t that your parents’ favorite?

Hallie

Yeah, they love it. They love it so much.

Kyle

There’s the animated version where he steals all the presents from Whoville, but they celebrate Christmas anyway. Then there’s the Jim Carrey version where he steals all the presents and they all get mad and he does ruin Christmas but he ends up giving it back. So, I don't know, you could say 50-50 based on version. I’m inclined to say Could Steal Christmas, because in each version he has the opportunity and he either, one, is against the Whos who are just in the animated version unstoppable in their Christmas spirit or he willingly… I don’t remember why he gives it back in the Jim Carrey version.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. I think the hardest part of this thing we have decided to do is that usually in Christmas movies the villain loses, so technically all of these villains have already failed in whatever Christmas-ruining activity they were trying to do.

Kyle

You’re right. You are right there. Yeah.

Hallie

SO we have to divorce them a little bit from the conditions in which they fail to be like, okay, in other conditions would they have succeeded.

Kyle

In that case, I still would put him in Could Steal because he willingly gives it back.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. He does learn the lesson in both versions, implying that he is not above becoming a better person. His heart yearns to grow several sizes.

Kyle

We have villains here who get stopped, but this is one who stops himself.

Hallie

It’s true.

Kyle

Alright, so I think we’re both in Could Steal Christmas.

Hallie

Could Steal Christmas. Is he having a bad day? Yeah. Is he gonna give it back, probably? Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Even if he succeeds, it’s probably not long-term.

Kyle

He’s just a man angry at his neighbors…

Hallie

Yeah, essentially.

Kyle

…which is not the only one on this list that we have.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

Alright, so the next one here is ranked by… Some of these came from the fans. The next one is the Whos from Whoville.

Hallie

They just make Christmas better. I don't know that…

Kyle

They do suck in the Jim Carrey version.

Hallie

I guess they are kind of dicks, aren’t they?

Kyle

So maybe we should move… bump up from Improves Christmas to Can’t Steal Christmas, or like 50-50.

Hallie

Eh.

Kyle

Because they are really, really bad. They make the Grinch in the Grinch version by ostracizing him. They basically ruin everything. It’s only the little girl.

Hallie

You’re right. I’m thinking of the cute Seussy ones in the classic animated ones.

Kyle

Yeah, because those ones improve Christmas. So like, how do we manage this?

Hallie

Yeah, put them in 50-50. It depends on which Who you get.

Kyle

Depends on the version.

Hallie

And there’s always a 50-50 chance you’re gonna get a mean one.

Kyle

Alright. The next one are the Wet Bandits from Home Alone.

Hallie

The Wet Bandits!

Kyle

In Home Alone these are people who want to steal from the McCallister household but get thwarted by Kevin as he puts up a bunch of traps. They do however successfully capture him and are about to, if I remember correctly, fucking murder the child before they’re stopped by an old man and his shovel.

Hallie

They are, yeah. Uh-huh.

Kyle

SO I don't know where to put them. There are very few people who would kill a child on this… Actually, there’s more people who would kill a child than I’d like on this list.

Hallie

Yep.

Kyle

But there are not as many, and these were about to murder a child.

Hallie

So, my hot take on the Wet Bandits is that they were actually successful bandits before Kevin McCallister. They have been doing this. They had the plan to rob during the day and case the street when all the rich people are going on their Christmas vacations and stuff. They have the name, the Wet Bandits. Is it stupid? Yes, absolutely. Their hallmark of leaving the water running? Stupid. Devastating—

Kyle

Wait! That’s why they’re called the Wet Bandits?

Hallie

That’s why they’re called the Wet Bandits, because that’s their hallmark, they leave the water running. Which actually, that’s gonna freeze, it’s cold. That is actually a very destructive thing to do.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

It’s not their fault that Kevin’s family left him behind. Kevin McCallister is a force of nature. Had they not had to reckon with Kevin McCallister, I think they’d be living their little criminal dreams.

Kyle

Despite the power of Kevin McCallister, they do beat him. He just gets deus ex machina’d by the old man with the shovel.

Hallie

They get through with the sheer power of anger and spite and their criminal hijinks. I don't think they’re particularly clever or smart, I just think they have whatever it takes to actually steal Christmas.

Kyle

Yeah, I think they’re top-tier. I think the Wet Bandits will steal Christmas.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I think they’ll do it.

Kyle

Alright. Speaking of criminal masterminds, the next character is Hans Gruber from Die Hard. I’m torn. I don’t think I can put him in Will. Alright, if you haven’t seen it, Die Hard takes place on Christmas, that’s the whole joke, but really it’s just a guy trapped in this tower with a bunch of villains led by Hans Gruber played by… Who was his actor again?

Hallie

Alan Rickman.

Kyle

Yeah, the late great Alan Rickman. So, I don't know if I could put him in S tier because he has no interest in stealing Christmas, and the people he attacks are all a bunch of upset business people at a holiday party.

Hallie

Unlike the Wet Bandits, Hans Gruber is a sophisticated villain. He has plans upon plans upon plans with contingencies and reasonable thoughts. I don't think he cares enough about Christmas.

Kyle

No.

Hallie

Well, the Wet Bandits don’t really either. I don't know if that should be a consideration. You know? Because we are making them care about Christmas by putting them in this context at all.

Kyle

Yeah. I feel like part of it is the Wet Bandits’ actions… Well, from the McCallisters, no, they wouldn’t have stolen Christmas, because they were spending Christmas abroad, so there wouldn’t have been any presents.

Hallie

No, they’re just making it really, really hard to come home.

Kyle

Yeah, which does kind of ruin Christmas.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

I still want the Wet Bandits in S tier.

Hallie

Oh, no, the Wet Bandits are staying in S tier. I think we’re onto something. I think that we have made a stunning insight with the Wet Bandits.

Kyle

Yeah. Let’s put their motivation towards Christmas. Even with his motivation towards Christmas, Hans Gruber just is not dealing with… he just doesn’t deal with that small of stakes.

Hallie

I would put Could. I think if you paid him enough he would do it, but I think it would have to be, like, you’re a shadowy billionaire banker who’s bankrolling him.

Kyle

Yeah. Alright. Now we are going into Hallmark tropes for the next three. The company that wants to tear down the beloved community center to make condos.

Hallie

So it really depends. In about half of Hallmark movies someone from the company develops a heart due to actions from the protagonist. In the other half the protagonist just raises enough money or does a legal thing to win and they don’t really change their ways. They’re just like, “ah, you got me this time, I’ll have to take my business elsewhere,” because Hallmark villains are old-timey radio people, apparently. I think they will ruin Christmas by closing down the community center. I think that should be S tier. I think they’ll do it because it’s a business.

Kyle

You know what? I will put it there only because they’re thwarted by somebody in the company having a change of heart, not the company itself having a change of heart. That makes a big difference. Alright, the condo company is up there with the Wet Bandits, above the Grinch and Hans Gruber.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah.

Kyle

Our next Hallmark trope. This one is copied word-for-word I believe from a fan. Rich CEO who goes back to her home village and meets her childhood friend and even though she is married she falls in love with him.

Hallie

I mean…

Kyle

I feel like the thing is, even though… What is it? Is it he’s married or she’s married? Even though she’s married.

Hallie

She’s married.

Kyle

One, Hallmark, I feel like she’s always gotta have a boyfriend. The divorcee would be a big Hallmark special.

Hallie

Oh, the divorcee would be a big Hallmark special, and that one would end with the two already-married people getting back together. That’s just how that would go.

Kyle

I feel like this is our first… I don’t even think it’s Can’t. I think she improves Christmas.

Hallie

Yeah, I think so. It sounds like she’s not happy with her husband, and it sounds like she’s gonna have a life-changing experience with hunky new guy in small village.

Kyle

And, if she’s directly connected to the villain, she is the one who will thwart them.

Hallie

You’ve got me there. I think Improve.

Kyle

Improves Christmas?

Hallie

Improves Christmas.

Kyle

Speaking of, your boyfriend from the city, our last Hallmark trope. The rich boyfriend is almost always the most neutral motherfucker on the planet. I remember I was watching one of them, because I haven’t seen many, but I watched one where she got a promotion and she was gonna have to leave him and he was like, congrats, I’m really proud of you, I’m not gonna stand in the way of your business development and your dreams, and she was like what, what, what gives, dude. How dare you support my growth in business?

Hallie

Sometimes the extremely conservative values in Hallmarked… Hallmarked? That’s us. We’re not conservative. The extremely conservative values showcased by Hallmark films and on the Hallmark channel really, really, really fuck with the Christmas spirit they’re trying to present. Sometimes a dude is just a boyfriend who is like, oh, I care about my work and I am taking realistic pragmatic steps to work-life balance. Do you remember Hats Off to Christmas when he’s like, oh, I came over this afternoon to help you with a thing because I have to go to a business dinner, and then they play the sad music because he’s not spending time with them?

Kyle

[Chuckles.] I don’t, but that sounds right.

Hallie

Okay. That’s a thing that happens. You pointed it out, you were like ‘but he managed his schedule and he just told them, he’s making time for them.’

Kyle

Hats Off to Christmas. That’s the one where they reveal that the boy is in a wheelchair 30 minutes in?

Hallie

Yeah-yeah, 30 minutes in.

Kyle

Honestly, everything else goes out the window when it comes to that specific child. That child is the movie for me.

Hallie

[Laughs.] That’s fair. See, in other movies the boyfriend from Hallmark is like, wow, you got the promotion I wanted you to have and that I assume you also want, and she’s like, ha-ha yeah, that thing I want, and it’s very clear that she doesn’t.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

There are a few where she inherits a Christmas tree farm, or an old Christmasy inn, and he’s like, wow, you could sell this for loads of money, and she’s like, yeah, but do I want to, it was my great aunt Judy’s, and he’s like, your great aunt Judy is dead. SO, it’s neutral. Neutral is not gonna ruin anything. What’s the tier between Improves and 50-50?

Kyle

Can’t Steal Christmas. They’re just ineffectual.

Hallie

He’s probably just boring. “Oh, that guy is here,” and then you talk to him for five minutes and you’re like, I’m good until next year.

Kyle

Of this list, he is one of the most Can’t Steal Christmas. There is one later on that I think is even more than the Hallmark boyfriend, but we’ll get there.

Speaking of someone who is gonna be very high-tier though, the only character who… I guess read the content warning in the description… the only character who drives a man to suicide, Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life.

Hallie

Mr. Potter just fucking sucks.

Kyle

The only reason George Bailey survives is through literal divine intervention.

Hallie

Yeah! And I don't think Mr. Potter has a change of heart in It’s a Wonderful Life.

Kyle

No, he gets away with it. There’s a very popular SNL skit where they do an extended ending where they go beat up Mr. Potter. In the original they never learn that he’s the one who stole the money. He just gets away with it.

Hallie

I know they win, because the town helps George out with the money, but I didn’t think that Mr. Potter even was like ‘you can have two extra days because it’s Christmas’ like Ebenezer Scrooge kind of does. You know?

Kyle

Nope. Nope. To my knowledge he has no change of heart.

Hallie

Okay. He just continues sucking the rest of his sad little life.

Kyle

His schemes aren’t as big as… well, they’re probably bigger than the Wet Bandits’… as big as the condos. I think he’s in Will Steal Christmas. He’s one of the only ones who gets away with it.

Hallie

He’s in S tier, right alongside, and it would piss him off that he’s right next to the Wet Bandits.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You know what? I’m gonna move the condo company to the side so that those two can hang out together.

Hallie

They have to be next to each other.

Kyle

Alright, next character. This one was requested by you, Hallie. Lightning McQueen…

Hallie

Lightning McQueen!

Kyle

…who is not in a Christmas movie.

Hallie

Nor a villain. He is the protagonist. I meant pre-redemption Lightning McQueen. Here’s the thing about pre-redemption Lightning McQueen. I just realized he doesn’t have enough friends to ruin Christmas.

Kyle

Let’s be honest. He’s the CEO Hallmark lady. He goes down and improves Christmas with her.

Hallie

He goes down.

Kyle

They’re in the same category.

Hallie

[Smiling.] Move him down. Move him down.

Kyle

Speaking of another one, The Santa Claus has many villains. In the first one, I’m gonna include the protagonist Tim Allen. For those who haven’t seen The Santa Claus, it starts out, he hears something on his roof, he goes out and he sees a guy on his roof, shouts hey what’s going on or something like that. The guy falls off the roof, dies, and it turns out that man is Santa Claus, and there is the Santa Clause which, I don't remember the details, but it’s either whoever sees Santa die or whoever kills Santa becomes him. For some reason, because he was involved in Santa’s death, he becomes Santa Claus.

Hallie

That is how it goes. Audience, you’re gonna have to give… We didn’t watch all these movies before.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

There were so many to watch. We were just rattling off names. You’ll have to forgive our mostly-correct summations.

Kyle

So, to put it as simple as possible, this is a man who kills Santa Claus but also becomes Santa Claus. So, what does that… where does he fall? [Laughs.]

Hallie

I mean, he wasn’t trying to kill Santa Claus though, is the thing.

Kyle

That’s true.

Hallie

He didn’t have a stake in this whole Christmas thing, and then he stepped in.

Kyle

I’m not the step-Santa, I’m the Santa who stepped up.

Hallie

[Amused.] Stepped up, yeah. So like, that’s literally the plot of the movie. I think he’s kind of like the Grinch. He’s good enough deep down that he’s gonna be like, ugh, I can’t go through with ruining things. He tries in the movie. I’m pretty sure he’s like, I don’t want to be Santa, which is fair.

Kyle

I’m looking up the Wikipedia article while you talk, because there’s something very important to notice, but anyways, keep going.

Hallie

Yeah, do that. I’m gonna put him either in Could… No, I’m sorry, opposite direction, opposite direction. He’s gonna be either 50-50 or he’s gonna improve. He does become the new Santa, and people seem jazzed about it. He makes friends with Bernard the elf, that’s a character I remember. He helps his son, or he bonds with his son, because he’s got one of those.

Kyle

So, it’s putting on the jacket, that’s the Santa Claus. I prefer the whoever kills Santa. That’s my personal preference.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Whoever kills Santa must accept his mantle.

Kyle

But, he is given in the movie 11 months to fulfill Santa’s duty. He kills Santa when he is delivering presents, which means, for that Christmas, unless they explain it with the elves picking up, there’s a lot of presents without… a lot of trees without presents under them.

Hallie

Okay, you got me there.

Kyle

That’s one thing to factor in. I want to put him in 50-50 because it’s funny to me.

Hallie

Yeah, just put him in 50-50.

Kyle

And also, we can say he did ruin one of the Christmases, but it was on accident.

Hallie

He ruined one.

Kyle

He really belongs in Improves or Can’t Steal Christmas, but technically he did ruin one Christmas.

Hallie

We’ll put him in 50-50. I think that’s fair.

Kyle

Next one is the Red Ryder BB gun from A Christmas Story.

Hallie

Ha! I forgot I put the gun.

Kyle

Yeah, A Christmas Story. It’s a bunch of basically memoir-like short stories put into a movie, but the big one is this kid wants a Red Ryder BB gun. He keeps getting told he’ll shoot his eye out, he gets it as a gift from his dad, accidentally hits something and shoots his glasses, almost shooting his eye out.

Hallie

I think it ricochets off an icicle. Oh, no-no, I’m sorry. And then he’s like “an icicle fell” because he doesn’t want…

Kyle

Yeah, it ricochets off of a can or something, and then he claims an icicle fell. So yeah, I don't know where to put the Red Ryder BB gun because it is a gun.

Hallie

Because it is not a person?

Kyle

It is maybe the most complicated character on this list by virtue of being a special gift for Christmas but also hurting him but also it doesn’t really impact the Christmas.

Hallie

It doesn’t have agency because it’s a gun. But like, you know, it’s the one slightly-dangerous gift that you really, really want, and it’s such a strong presence throughout the whole film because Ralphie just wants that thing so bad so he can pretend to be a cowboy, which, as you can imagine, endears him to me. So, I’d also like the Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas so that I can shoot my eye out. You know, I get it.

Kyle

[Chuckling.] Is it going in Improves Christmas?

Hallie

[Laughs.] He did learn a lesson. Ralphie did learn.

Kyle

Did he?! Did he learn a lesson? I don't think he did. He immediately lied.

Hallie

You know, like… he learns that, wow, maybe um… No! Everybody kept saying, hey, this is dangerous, you’ll shoot your eye out, and then it did, so even if he didn’t react to the lesson then he probably internalized it and sorted through that.

Kyle

Are we putting this in Improves Christmas? Does the Red Ryder BB gun improve Christmas by shooting your eye out?

Hallie

Yes. Yes it does.

Kyle

Alright. The next two are a combo, but we’re gonna start with the first one. Oogie Boogie and Jack Skellington are each on this list. They’re gonna get their own categories. For those who haven’t seen the Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack Skellington is the king of Halloween Town. He basically is disillusioned with his life. He learns about Christmas, he decides you know what, I’m gonna take over Christmas this year, be a good old mate to Sandy Claws, but I am gonna kidnap him and tell the lackeys of this very evil guy, hey, don’t give Santa to your boss… and then just forgets about him, tries to do Christmas, terrifies all the children, absolutely ruins that year’s… Well, no. Santa might be able to fix it in time, actually. I don't know.

Hallie

“Can I fix it? I’m Santa Claus.” That is a line that he says.

Kyle

Okay, cool, so Santa does fix it. Jack ruins it but Santa fixes it. Jack then has a change of heart, basically realizes wow, I’m bad at this, but actually I now have a new reinvigorated spirit of my work. It’s almost like the opposite of a Hallmark movie where she’s disillusioned with her work and then goes and finds something else that’s Christmasy.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Here, he’s disillusioned with his work, tries to fix it with Christmas, but then ends up just getting his life meaning back with his old work.

Hallie

He goes through a mid-life crisis and then he’s like, wow, I’m where I’m meant to be, and that’s Halloween Town.

Kyle

And then he remembers that Santa Claus is probably with Oogie Boogie. Mind you, no one tells him that, he just figures it out. He’s like, yeah, he’s probably with Oogie Boogie, isn’t he?

Hallie

[Gasps.] Sandy Claws!

Kyle

He told the kids not to do it, and yet he immediately knows to go to Oogie Boogie’s lair. So, he goes there where Oogie Boogie is basically going to kill Santa after messing around with him. So, we have to rank Jack, who does all the proactive stuff but does eventually right his wrongs, and Oogie, who doesn’t really do anything but is the character who, if not thwarted, would have killed Santa Claus.

Hallie

My take is that Oogie Boogie spends way too much time dicking around. I don't think he’d ever get around to it. He’s got his whole wonderful song, Sally comes in to rescue, and admittedly he thwarts Sally, and Jack does intervene so it’s hard to say what would have happened, but Oogie was gonna take FOREVER to get there. But Oogie Boogie was also just dropped… like, Sandy Claws just dropped into his lap. He didn’t go searching for it.

Kyle

Yeah. I feel like either he’s a Can’t Steal Christmas or he’s 50-50. I like 50-50 because it’s a roll of the dice.

Hallie

And that’s his thing.

Kyle

That’s his thing.

Hallie

He likes the roll of the dice. What mood is he in today? Yes, put him in 50-50. Jack Skellington on the other hand…

Kyle

I think he belongs in Could Steal like the Grinch. He, like the Grinch, succeeds but he has a change of heart. He thwarts himself, which we’ve been allowing that.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. We have. He does thwart himself. Yeah, I would agree with that. I wanted to put him in S tier, but like, he has that realization. But the realization is also not powered by, oh, I’ve ruined this for other people, it’s wow, I don’t feel as fulfilled as I should have.

Kyle

[Laughs.] But it’s still him stopping himself!

Hallie

The Grinch at least is like, wow, seeing other people sad makes me sad, whereas Jack Skellington is like… so y es, there’s a lot of chaos, but how does this make me feel.

Kyle

Jack, if he didn’t have his change of heart, is easily the top of S tier.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Easily. AS such though, because he does stop himself, we can’t say he would steal Christmas, so we’ll put him in the top of A tier.

Hallie

Yeah. I love Jack Skellington because he does objectively villainous things…

Kyle

He’s so terrible.

Hallie

…and yet I would still trust him with my life.

Kyle

Alright. The next character is recommended by a fan, although I think you and I will have the same opinion. The Ghost of Christmas Future.

Hallie

Not a villain. Improves Christmas.

Kyle

Improves Christmas, yeah.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

He’s spooky, but he gets the job done.

Hallie

He’s spooky!

Kyle

Listen. He’s playing bad cop while the other two are playing good cop, and, in the case of the Ghost of Christmas Past, sad cop, I guess.

Hallie

No, Christmas Future tangibly improves Christmas by improving Ebenezer Scrooge.

Kyle

Yeah. The next one, this is one you didn’t want me to put on but I thought it would be fun. Judas, from the bible.

Hallie

Judas is not a Christmas villain, he is an Easter villain. They are different holidays. But I think it’s very funny that you were like, oh, Judas, the Christmas villain. Judas, from what I know, was the same age as Jesus, about, so he was also a baby or there about at Christmas when Jesus was born.

Kyle

I’m gonna add another category below. Technically, if he didn’t do what he did, all of our sins wouldn’t have been redeemed through Jesus, so I’m actually gonna say that he’s our new category, Improves Easter.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So that’s where Judas goes.

Hallie

Oh man, you know what would really improve my Easter? Inviting Judas.

Kyle

Hey, listen, if he didn’t do it, we wouldn’t have Easter.

Hallie

I mean, you’ve got me there. You’ve got me. I want to have more to say on the matter, but I don't think I do.

Kyle

The next villain is Todd and Margo from A Christmas Story.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

This was recommended by you. They are the uppity neighbors. They can’t steal… I’ve watched the movie multiple times. They’re the uppity neighbors who get their comeuppance. The shenanigans of the main character cause them to suffer, but they’re these uppity people. They don’t actively do anything.

Hallie

No, they do not.

Kyle

They maybe talk to him once as an insult. They just suffer!

Hallie

They just suck. Why is the carpet wet, Todd? I don't know, Margo!

Kyle

So they just go in Can’t Steal Christmas.

Hallie

Yeah. Could they ruin your party? Yes, nobody wants them there, but they’re not gonna do anything that’s more serious than an annoyance.

Kyle

They’re just sticking to themselves.

Hallie

No, they are not as good as the Wet Bandits.

Kyle

In Clark Griswold’s problems, they are less than literally everyone else in that movie including Clark himself.

Hallie

Correct.

Kyle

Clark Griswold potentially would get higher than them.

Hallie

We didn’t think about putting Clark Griswold on there.

Kyle

It came to my mind, but I thought it would be more fun to just be like, wow, look at these people who suffer.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, so the next two are coming from Christmas specials from cartoons. The first one is Evil Santa from Futurama. Evil Santa Claus is basically a robot version of Santa who is so specific in what he thinks is good versus bad that he only gives gifts to Zoidberg the squid man on Christmas and tries to kill everyone else with extreme prejudice. The point is I don’t think he… yes, does it make Christmas worse, yeah, but he’s just doing his job really well, and Zoidberg has a great Christmas.

Hallie

He’s also not, like… I don't know, “stealing” Christmas feels different. He’s trying to do what he thinks Christmas should be. He’s not actively trying to ruin it for anybody, he’s trying to meet out the appropriate Christmas for everybody, and it just so happens the appropriate Christmas for everyone but Zoidberg sucks. I think he’s just… He gave Zoidberg a pogo stick. I have to put him in Improves Christmas for that.

Kyle

He’s not even Can’t Steal. He improves Christmas?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Yeah! “I got a pogo stick” is one of my favorite lines in Futurama.

[clip from the show begins.]

Evil Santa

You’ve all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

Zoidberg

A pogo stick! [Delighted hum and chuckle.]

[clip ends.]

Kyle

The next villain is from the TV show My Life as a Teenage Robot. His name is Todd Sweeney. He mind controls the main character for an entire year, having her ruin every single holiday with his ultimate plan of using her to kill Santa Claus and ruin Christmas. He does get thwarted by Jenny, the main character, and after being thwarted they hand out all of his toys as gifts and his heart changes. He basically gets a Grinch effect.

Hallie

Okay, but does he get the Grinch effect because they beat it into him?

Kyle

I think mostly they just stop him, because he basically confesses that his plan is to kill Santa. Jenny is like, ah-ha, I caught you red-handed, now I’ve cleared my name… also now we’re gonna take all your stuff and give it to the other kids.

Hallie

Yeah, he doesn’t stop himself it sounds like.

Kyle

That’s the tough part, because his heart does change but only after he is thwarted, not before.

Hallie

Okay. You have to actively thwart him to get Christmas back.

Kyle

If he was not thwarted, Jenny would have killed Santa Claus.

Hallie

Put him in Will Steal.

Kyle

Okay. The next one you’re gonna have to tell me about because I’ve never watched this. The next one is the Tim Curry organ from the Beauty and the Beast Christmas special movie.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

I just know he wants to keep Beast sad so that Beast plays him. That’s all I know.

Hallie

Okay, so Forte’s whole deal is that he really likes being a pipe organ. He does not want the spell broken.

Kyle

Right, because he was a man beforehand!

Hallie

Yeah. He’s just like, no, I am so useful as a pipe organ and I slay, so if this curse is undone I’ll be forgotten, you know, and my musical talents won’t be as appreciated. He does, he just tries to break up Belle and the Beast’s relationship. Forte loses what was left of his sanity by attempting to bring the castle down with his loud music, apparently having no regard for his own life as he was willing to take everyone’s lives in the castle along with his own.

Kyle

Knowing very little, he sounds like a Can’t Steal or a 50-50. He is such a minor character. I mean, it’s because he didn’t exist yet, but he doesn’t exist in the main Beauty and the Beast during the Christmas montage where they get closer.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

I know we’re not really factoring in if they were thwarted, but he just sounds really bad.

Hallie

The Beast doesn’t like Christmas time because that’s when the spell was cast.

Kyle

Oh.

Hallie

But then Belle is like, Christmas is great, and the Beast is like, uh… sure. She goes out to look for a Christmas tree and Forte is like, look at Belle, she left after she said that she wouldn’t, and then the Beast destroys Christmas before storming off to look for Belle.

Kyle

I think I’m gonna give him 50-50 because it sounds like he does do a good job in this movie, but also that is only because he is dealing with the Beast. The Beast is the kind of person to get mad at Belle because of something she did in a dream.

Hallie

No, you’re right, but shout out to this sentence. “Not wanting his music to be underappreciated again, Forte attempts to destroy the castle with his music, thinking that Belle and the Beast cannot fall in love if they are dead.”

Kyle

That’s a very good sentence. I’ll put him in 50-50 for that.

Hallie

[Laughs.] It’s really great. Yeah, 50-50.

Kyle

Alright, we’ve got three left before we rank our top. So, the next one is Heat Miser and Freeze Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus. Basically, they are warring brothers who control their half of the planet, making it cold or warm during the part of the year. One of Santa’s reindeer gets captured by animal control in like Florida or a Heat Miser controlled area. They will free it, the people will free it, if the elves can get it to snow, so they have to convince Freeze Miser to do it. He’s happy to, but Heat Miser won’t let him, so they go to their mom, Mother Nature, who basically bullies the two into doing it.

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Kyle

So, I don't know if I can put them in Improves Christmas, because they have to be coerced by their mother, but they were just neutral. Would it have ruined Christmas? Very potentially, but it’s not their fault.

Hallie

I don't know, they just feel like they’re kinda caught up in it. You know? They’re not plotting.

Kyle

Yeah, they’re just doing their own thing. They only care about the other.

Hallie

They’re just involved.

Kyle

I feel like they’re Can’t Steal Christmas.

Hallie

Yeah, Can’t Steal Christmas.

Kyle

Alright. The next one you’re gonna have to explain. This is another classic Christmas movie. The magician from Frosty.

Hallie

Yes. Yes.

Kyle

I have not seen Frosty since I was like eight probably, so I have very little memory of this man.

Hallie

Okay. Professor Hinkle is a magician who comes to perform at the elementary school’s Christmas party. He is described by the narrator as the worst magician in the world, and he just sucks so hard.

Kyle

Is his hat why Frosty comes to life?

Hallie

It is! His hat blows away and then lands on the snowman the children built, and then Frosty comes to life, and he’s like, whoa, what the fuck is that, my hat is actually magic, and then he wants his hat back, and they’re like, okay, but your hat makes this snowman alive, so like, it’s Frosty’s now, and he’s like, no it’s mine. So, the whole plot as they try to get Frosty to the North Pole where it’s cold enough he can live is that the magician is following them because he just wants his hat back.

Kyle

And doesn’t Frosty die in a greenhouse?

Hallie

He does. He melts. He locks them in the greenhouse so that he will melt and so he can come in and steal the hat, because the hat won’t work if there’s no snowman to put on it.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

So he does ruin Christmas to the point that Santa comes in and magically swirls Frosty back together, and then he makes Professor Hinkle apologize. He’s like, I’m not giving you any presents this year because you did a bad thing, unless you write me ‘I’m very sorry for what I did to Frosty’ like a hundred billion times, and then maybe, just maybe, you’ll find a new hat in your stocking. Professor Hinkle is like, oh, I will, oh thank you, Santa. Then he runs away doing his weird jumps and voices.

Kyle

I love this guy.

Hallie

I love him! I love Professor Hinkle. He’s great. Could he steal Christmas? Probably not. He does make Frosty melt. He does pull the stone-cold move of locking the greenhouse.

Kyle

But he is the reason Frosty is alive, even if it’s an accident.

Hallie

His magic hat is, but he doesn’t care that he’s the reason Frosty is alive.

Kyle

That’s true. That’s true.

Hallie

I want to put him in Improves because I love him and I think he’s very funny. And he repeats things. My sisters and I will quote “busy, busy, busy” to each other all the time because he says that. However…

Kyle

[Laughs.] He is fighting children and a literal infant.

Hallie

Yeah, because Frosty just came to life.

Kyle

Alright, we have one last one before we rank our top, and that is from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Society.

Hallie

[Coughs laughing.]

Kyle

Because, if I remember, even Santa Claus is like ‘what the shit is that red-nosed freak.’

Hallie

Yep.

Kyle

Everyone is mean to him. I think I would put them in Could, because when he is useful to them during the fog they at the very least are like, well, I guess this freak is useful now.

Hallie

Yeah. They almost led to Christmas… like, Christmas would not have been threatened if Rudolph had just been given a fair shake from the get-go.

Kyle

If we just did the worst, Society from Rudolph would be an S tier, but in terms of actually ruining Christmas, they do think he’s at least useful. That feels so gross to say.

Hallie

You mean, like, they can put aside their prejudice to save Christmas so they’re not in S tier?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Basically, yeah.

Hallie

Put them in A tier then.

Kyle

Alright, let’s take a look at our list and then we will rank our top in order. In Could Steal Christmas we have Jack Skellington, the Grinch, Hans Gruber, and Society. In 50-50 we have the… I’m already forgetting their names… the Whos from Whoville, Tim Allen from The Santa Clause, Oogie Boogie, and Forte from Belle’s Enchanted Christmas. In Can’t Steal Christmas we have your boyfriend from the city, Todd and Margo, Heat Miser and Freeze Miser, and the magician from Frosty. In Improves Christmas, our biggest category, we have the rich executive lady who goes to the small town, Lightning McQueen… which, to be fair, those two are the same thing… the Red Ryder BB gun, the Ghost of Christmas Future, and Evil Santa from Futurama.

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Kyle

Which means we have to choose our top three, and by extension top four because there’s four of them, in the Will Steal Christmas category to find the ultimate villain. WE have Todd Sweeney from My Life as a Teenage Robot, Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life, the Wet Bandits from Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and then the company that wants to tear down a beloved community structure and make a condo from a handful of… basically just Hallmark or any whimsical movies. WE have to rank these to figure out which is the greatest villain.

Hallie

Okay. It’s kinda boring, but I think Mr. Potter probably takes it.

Kyle

See, I’m not sure. The condo one is the most realistic to life, and it actively ruins Christmas for a lot of people. The Wet Bandits were going to kill a child. Mr. Potter indirectly… like, Mr. Potter does ruin a lot of the town in general and does lead a man to attempt suicide. And then Todd Sweeny if not thwarted would have successfully killed Santa Claus. So, I feel like they’re all contenders here in their own way.

Hallie

I mean, yeah, because they’re all in the S tier.

Kyle

I want to hear your argument for Mr. Potter.

Hallie

How many other Christmases has Mr. Potter ruined that we’ve just never seen? With all of his foreclosures and his banks and his money.

Kyle

I suppose. Up until this point we haven’t been factoring in external influence, but, if we factor it in here, which feels fair because this is our top ranking, he is the only character of these four that was not thwarted nor even caught for his crimes.

Hallie

Yeah. That’s the thing. Yes, Todd Sweeney would not have redeemed himself if he hadn’t been thwarted, but Mr. Potter… evidence suggests he’s just gonna keep doing what he’s doing.

Kyle

He has the combination of doing all the bad things the condo companies do, because you know he’s got companies like that, plus the causing at least one death we know could have happened without divine intervention.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Yeah, I think I…

Hallie

I think it’s gotta be Mr. Potter.

Kyle

I think it’s gotta be him, and I think for the other ranking… Him as the top. Because we referenced specifically Todd and the condos when describing him, Todd and condos can get joint second with the Wet Bandits in third, which is honestly much better than they deserve.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

It is much better than they deserve! But the Wet Bandits also don’t have any remorse.

Kyle

That’s true.

Hallie

You know? Even though they were thwarted, they don’t have remorse like Todd Sweeney does. They’re just back at it again in Home Alone 2.

Kyle

You know… thinking about it, yeah. Here’s my argument for the rating. In fourth place, Todd Sweeney, because he does show remorse. He is thwarted. Yes, he does a lot, but also he’s just a sad boy on Christmas. The condo company is completely remorseless, and it’s very real. That gets third. Wet Bandits, they do get away with it. They appear in a sequel! And yeah, Mr. Potter as the only successful Christmas villain.

Hallie

[Smirking.] It makes me so happy to think that Mr. Potter has to share the stage with the Wet Bandits from Home Alone.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Even though the Wet Bandits are in second place, it’s like the image you have of the guy celebrating with the champagne and he’s in third place, Next to Mr. Potter and a building.

Hallie

Yep. And it’s just “a” building. Yeah, I’m happy with this. We did good work today.

Kyle

We did good work today. Thank you for listening to this year’s Hallmarked. If you’re watching, you can see the definitive ranking here. Otherwise, you can get a link to it in the description. I will download and save this image of our listing. Thank you for listening, and join us to figure out what Christmas holiday thing we do that draws us ever further from the light of Hallmark next year.

Hallie

Ever, ever further.