24. Cryptid Cryptids (Part 2) Transcript
Transcript by Raina Harper
Hallie
Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…
[Halloween harpsichord music begins.]
Hallie
All four of you are vibing with the Boatman.
Hallie (as Boatman)
You see, I need this letter to get to a dear friend.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Will there be donuts when we return? Or pizza?
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
I want not the good pizza patsa party but the best pizza patsa party.
Hallie
The arrow on the letter, it’s malfunctioning.
Emily (as Bert)
[Gasps.]
Hallie
The lights come on in a building that’s next to you.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Oh hi. Who are you, friend?
Hallie (as Yugi)
Oh, my name’s Yugi!
Cassidy
[Laughs.] Yugi Moto?
Olivia
Suspicious.
Hallie
He takes out a little remote.
Hallie (as Yugi)
At the academy, they laughed at Yugi Balls.
[Laughter.]
Ari
What is this name?! I hate this name.
Hallie (as Yugi)
But I’m gonna show them once and for all that my Tamagotcha really works!
Olivia
Whoa!
[Music changes to "Halloween Fun" by PaBlikMM.]
Olivia
Are we captured?!
Hallie
You’re going to be if one of the balls touches you.
Cassidy
Yeah.
Olivia
Oh!
Hallie
This is now an ongoing confrontation, because it’s not quite a combat. If you escape, then you know… you’ll escape, you’ll be fine.
Olivia
Okay.
[Ghostly action music begins.]
Hallie
The way a confrontation works, there’s no initiative order. Instead, your turn is more of a group action. Anybody can step up and be like “I want to do a thing.” The confrontation ends when you either escape or if you take out Yugi, because he’s got a little remote and he’s running everything. Basically, if Yugi fills his clock up to 4 first, he wins the encounter and you are captured in Poké Balls forever.
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
Hallie
If you guys get up to 4, then you win and you can escape and go on with your lives. Everybody starts at 0. If you succeed with a full success, the party will fill their clock by 1 point. If it’s a mixed, both parties’ clocks fill. If you fail, either the monster will fill their clock by 1 point, or I inflict an effect on the party, yada-yada. So essentially, it’s Pokémon: The First Movie. Don’t get touched by the balls. You have a whole play place slash swimming pool slash rock climbing wall to play around with.
Olivia
Fun!
Hallie
The balls are now in the air, and they are rushing towards where you four are gathered by the door.
Ari
There’s a lot of them, right, I assume?
Hallie
Yeah, because they were from the ball pit.
Olivia
[Uneasy.] Oh…
Ari
How close is Yugi to us? Is he easy to reach within two-to-three minutes?
Hallie
He’s in the center of the room and you guys are at the door. If you rush him, you could get there, but he’d have plenty of time to react.
[Music ends.]
Ari
Well…
Emily & Cassidy
Well?
Ari
Or will he?
[Laughter.]
Hallie
I don't know! Will he, Ari? What are you using? God damn it.
Ari
Well, so, Mr. Monday would be like…
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah, this is such a complication like that on those Batman movies. What will happen next? You will find out after these messages.
Ari
…and do the move Commercial Break.
Hallie
[Frustrated but delighted.] Yeah… Yeah.
Ari
I can summon a commercial break that freezes all other characters in my immediate surroundings for two-to-three minutes. I can interact with objects freely, and when time resumes physics proceeds as normal. If I use it in a confrontation, it automatically fills my clock by 1. Basically, what I want to do is move towards Yugi and try to grab the remote from his hand.
Hallie
[Defeated.] Okay.
Ari
That was a lot of words, because Kyle writes very long paragraphs to explain a move. Kyle, cut it out.
DYLAN:
[Laughs.]
Olivia
[Musically.] Kyle, cut it out.
Hallie
Kyle, cut I tout! Cut it out, Kyle.
[Music ends.]
Cassidy
That would be a good t-shirt.
Ari
It would.
Olivia
A pair of scissors.
Ari
I don't know if I’m able to reach him and grab the remote, but I at least want to be close enough to him to.
Hallie
Yes. You can pause time and get to the remote.
Ari
Yes!
Cassidy
Let’s go.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah, always happens after the commercial break. The situation is solved and they don’t show how it’s solved to the audience. It always leaves me very unsatisfied when watching a show.
[Laughter.]
Ari
He says, as he’s grabbing the remote when time resumes.
[Time whir SFX. Fun guitar music begins.]
Hallie
So you have the remote, but the balls are still doing their thing, doing their threat thing. Now it’s Yugi’s turn. Yugi just gives up immediately, like ‘aw man, you took my remote.’
Ari
Oh man.
Cassidy
Starts crying.
Olivia
Give up, coward.
Hallie
Yugi comes out of the spell surprised.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Huh?!
Hallie
Then he looks and sees you with the remote. Actually, he’s just gonna tackle you. That’s just how this is gonna go.
Ari
Oh god.
Olivia
No.
Hallie
I know there aren’t, like, defense rolls. The last game we played was The Strange which is why I’m, like…
Ari
Yeah, I don't think we roll to avoid things? I don't know.
Hallie
I think in this one the GM does roll. Right?
Ari
Yeah.
Hallie
Well, that’s how it is now, Kyle.
Olivia
Try to cut THAT out.
Hallie
[Rolls.] Try to cut that out!
Ari
We’re playing your game wrong.
[00:05:00]
Hallie
We’re playing your game wrong!
Cassidy
You can’t do anything about it.
Hallie
And Yugi Balls rolled an 11.
Ari
No!
Olivia
Whoa!
Hallie
[Laughs.] I can only roll well when I’m the GM.
Ari
Oh no!
Olivia
Oh… you murderer.
Hallie
So, Yugi tackles you. You both happen to fall directly into the swimming pool.
Ari
Oh, there’s a swimming pool?
Hallie
There’s a swimming pool, yeah, and now you’re in it.
Cassidy
With normal water.
Hallie
I just decided this. It’s normal chlorinated water.
Ari
Would the remote, like, (bursting sounds) die if it falls in the water?
Emily
No~
Hallie
It’s going (bursting sound). Yeah, unless you’re keeping it out of the water, it will short the water.
Olivia
Maybe that will destroy them.
Ari
Yeah, I will not put it up.
Cassidy
Dunk it.
Ari
I want the control to be destroyed.
Emily
Yeah, let’s break the off switch.
Ari
No!
Hallie
Take a hard move.
Ari
Oh god.
Olivia
Ooh, ooh…
Hallie
The balls are now faster and way stronger than before because you shorted it out in the water.
Olivia
They’re all uncontrollable.
Hallie
You are not harmed by the electric shock. I mean, maybe on your hand.
Olivia
You have rubber soles on your shoes, so you’re alright.
Hallie
But you do get an AP.
Ari
I do, I do.
Hallie
And you can give an AP to somebody else with a hard move. I don’t actually know if that’s how it works, but that’s how it does now, Kyle.
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
[Music ends.]
Ari
I want to give an AP to Cassidy because I think she might have a good plan.
Olivia
Yes.
Cassidy
I… Okay.
[Chuckling.]
Emily
What was your plan, Cassidy?
Cassidy
[Stammers.]
Ari
I just thought that Cassidy might have a good plan. I didn’t know exactly.
Olivia
She’s an athletic teen. She’s got moxie. She’s got gumption.
Cassidy
Yeah, I got Fierce. I have Declare Guilty which lets me roll +1 ongoing if my action directly opposes the character.
Hallie
Oh, yes-yes. You were going to do that but then you made the joke, like “oh, this is why he’s named Yugi,” and then I had to add Yugi Balls to make him both Yugi Moto and Ash Ketchum.
Ari
You could have called him Yugi Mustard, or Yugi—
Cassidy
Yugi Mayonnaise.
Hallie
[Laughs.] No! Yugi Balls was so much…
Cassidy
Worse?
Hallie
It’s the worst. I was just like, what’s a Pokémon word?
Several
Balls!
Cassidy
So I don't know if that happened before the confrontation…
Hallie
Yes. I will give that to you because I took it away in order to declare my thing.
Cassidy
Okay, so I have +1 on my rolls against anything that opposes this character.
Emily
Nice.
[Sporty rock music begins.]
Cassidy
And I guess we never figured this part out. Her actual grimness?
Hallie
Yeah.
Cassidy
Because she’s definitely in her grimness form right now, if that means anything.
Hallie
That’s perfect. It does. I’m happy to hear that.
Cassidy
Basically she gets a little furry all over. Kind of werewolf, kind of not. She definitely gets little ears.
Ari
Oh, little ears!
Cassidy
Yeah! Big old tail. Kinda like big ghost claws. She doesn’t actually grow real claws, but they’re like spirit paws around her hands.
Ari
Ooh.
Cassidy
I don’t really have a plan. [Laughs.]
Ari
I want to somehow launch him out of the water so that she can do things to him.
Hallie
Hydro Pump him out.
Olivia
You can pass him into Eilidh’s arms. You know what I mean?
Hallie
Ha!
Ari
Yes.
Olivia
Sports style.
Ari
Like a football.
Olivia
Or a basketball! You just do a chest pass, like basketball.
Emily
[Laughs.]
Ari
Like in basketball! Can I spend like 1 or 2 AP to do that?
Hallie
I’ll be nice, because I was just very mean a second ago. Yes, you can use 1 AP for your basketball.
Ari
Okay! I shall do that.
Cassidy
Okay, so little Yugi’s flying out of the pool at me?
Ari
Yes.
Olivia
It’s like when you throw kids around in a pool.
Cassidy
Yeah. I would like if Eilidh could grab him, swing him to the floor, pin him down with her ghost paws and growl in his face.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
[Monstrous and echoed.] Turn them off, now.
Cassidy
I can’t growl… Grr? Arr!
[Giggling. Music ends.]
Hallie
Roll me Fierce. Take a Swing.
Cassidy
Yes.
[Rolls.] I rolled two threes and I have +2 to Fierce.
Olivia
Ooh!
Hallie
So that is an 8.
Cassidy
Eight, yeah.
Hallie
Okay. An 8 is a mixed success. Let me see what it suggests for that one.
Cassidy
I can’t growl very well, so she’s not intimidating.
Hallie
Actually, you would have rolled a 9…
Cassidy
Yeah, a 9.
Hallie
…but 9 is still a mixed success.
Olivia
Oh yeah, a 9 is still a mixed success.
Cassidy
Still.
Olivia
It still was better.
Hallie
Yup.
Cassidy
I’m even meaner.
Hallie
Okay, so you do hit your target.
Cassidy
Yes.
Hallie
You choose one benefit and one drawback.
Cassidy
I like a temporary daze.
Hallie
Temporarily dazed.
Cassidy
That seems good to me. Give us a little bit more time to organize.
Olivia
Who’s ready to bust the door down?
Hallie
Okay, temporary daze. Drawback?
Cassidy
I will take the -1.
Hallie
Okay. It would only apply to you, it wouldn’t apply to the next person who…
Cassidy
Gotcha.
Hallie
It is the next action that you specifically take.
Cassidy
That I take. Yeah, -1 is fine.
Emily
You don’t want to accidentally punch a cat?
Cassidy
No.
[Someone meows.]
I don’t want to know what Hallie would do.
[Cartoonish chase music begins.]
Hallie
So Yugi Balls, he’s got the swirly cartoon eyes. He’s on the ground.
Cassidy
The birds over his head.
Hallie
[Laughs.] Eilidh just absolutely trounced Ash Ketchum over here.
Cassidy
I can’t do a good growl though. I’m not very scary.
Hallie
One of the drawbacks. That’s why, even though he’s dazed, he’s not afraid of you.
[00:10:00]
Cassidy
Aww.
Hallie
Because your growl was just so bad.
Ari
Oh no.
Cassidy
[Starting fierce but ending sweet.] Turn them off now!
Hallie
So, he might be dazed, but the balls are still whizzing around way faster and more difficult than they were before. I am just gonna keep giving people AP with soft moves. A ball is coming for…
Cassidy
Roll! Roll! Roll!
Hallie
Hang on, let me get a d4.
Emily
I mean, I guess probably technically you don’t have to give us AP.
Hallie
I mean, yeah, but then it’s too much like a regular combat where it’s like “oh, you’re being attacked,” and that feels hack. I did not think about these rules before I just did this adventure.
Cassidy
I mean, it’s what the ball wants to do, right?
Hallie
That’s true. It is what the ball wants to do.
Cassidy
It’s a character.
Olivia
That’s what Yugi’s nickname is.
Hallie
It’s just The Ball.
Ari
The Ball!
Cassidy
The Ball.
Olivia
Yugi The Ball.
Cassidy
Yugi The Ball!
Ari
Yugi The Ball.
Cassidy
His last name is not actually Ball. It is Mustard.
[Laughs.] Yugi ‘The Ball’ Mustard.
Ari
The mustard ball.
Hallie
Mustard balls!
Olivia
Mmm, lip-smackin’.
Ari
No~! Why?
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Alright, balls are coming for…
[Rolls.] Bert. So Emily, take another AP that you can use.
Emily
No!
Cassidy
No~
Hallie
But for now, you also have to roll Fierce to get away from the ball.
[Music ends.]
Olivia
Oh.
Cassidy
Rude.
Hallie
Because there’s no point in having them be a danger unless I actually make them a danger.
Emily
I would like to roll with Weird.
Hallie
Okay, and your Weird is +3.
Emily
[Rolls.] Phew. Okay, okay, okay. We’re fine.
Cassidy
Okay.
Emily
That was 9.
Hallie
A 9.
Emily
And then +3.
Hallie
Okay.
Emily
But, even a full success is demoted to a mixed success?
Hallie
Yeah, I was wondering. Unless you are directly interacting with something from “the other.” Kind of but not really. It’s technology but it’s not a super, like… it’s just balls. It’s just air balls flying through the air at your face.
Olivia
Nefarious.
Hallie
So you’re not in the ball. You have not been captured because you rolled a mixed success.
Olivia
Oh cool.
Cassidy
I appreciate that.
Olivia
It’s better than having a mixed success and it’s like you are captured but the inside of the Poké Ball is cool.
Hallie
[Laughs.] It looks like the Boatman’s bachelor pad but better.
Olivia
Oh man. There’s like a conversation pit, like there’s a sunken floor.
Hallie
Like in the 70s? I imagine the Boatman having that. Yes.
Olivia
Yeah, very cool.
Hallie
So for this was Take Action… You react slightly later than you’d like, which means you’re not captured but let’s say Bert went to slap it away. Now it’s stuck on your fur. It’s stuck on your little moth fur.
Olivia
[Gasps.] Oh!
Emily
Oh no~
Hallie
Like when you get a clip stuck in your hair. Very annoying.
Emily
He immediately waves it around in a panic and gets it stuck to his shoulder.
[Laughter.]
Olivia
Ah!
Cassidy
No Bueno.
[Frantic classical music begins.]
Hallie
Alright. That was a villain turn, but that wasn’t enough to move up the clock, so it is still 1 to 1.
Olivia
I think I am going to see… like, I’m looking all around, frightened, surrounded by threats, just like I do. And this is actually when I feel the most calm.
[Laughter.]
“Ah, I knew it. I knew it. It’s fine.” I’m going to bound over to Bert and try to paw the ball off his shoulder, just like in a very cat-like focused way. If this is a film and I’m a real cat, they don’t do anything to adjust my expression or anything like that. I’m just batting it away.
Hallie
Just batting at it.
Olivia
Mm-hmm.
Hallie
Give me a Take a Swing to bat the ball off.
Olivia
Okay. Is it a Fierce or Slick or…?
Hallie
Fierce.
Olivia
Fierce, okay. Can I use an Adventure Point to just succeed on it?
Hallie
I think so.
Olivia
Okay, then that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna bat it away, and the ball hits into another ball, and they both make a billiard ball noise.
Cassidy
Yes.
Hallie
Yes, you can do that. So, it knocks a bunch of other balls away, and actually we’ll say those balls are now out of commission.
Olivia
Oh yeah. I hiss in victory.
[Music ends.]
Emily
Bert gaps in delight because he knows now that he is friends with this cat.
Several
Aww~
Hallie
I’m gonna move your clock up.
Cassidy
Everybody liked that.
Hallie
Alright. Yugi, temporarily dazed, so he’ll be dazed for this turn. He is still on the ground. Cassidy…
Cassidy
I don’t want to get touched by his balls.
Hallie
Take a soft move. This also gives you 1 AP.
Cassidy
Hey~ Cool.
[Tense chase music begins.]
Hallie
When the balls were knocked away by Yuli, they also hit your backpack which is now teetering dangerously on the edge of the pool.
Cassidy
[Small yelp.]
Olivia
[Long gasp.]
Cassidy
The ball pit or the pool?
Hallie
The “pool” pool. The water pool. It’s gonna get soggy and unreadable.
Ari
Oh, the water? Oh!
Hallie
The water pool.
Ari
Oh no!
Cassidy
Not the letter!
Olivia
It’s not a magical letter prevented from water.
Ari
Hmm… The thing is, I fell into the pool, so probably—
Hallie
You are still in the pool. Yes.
Olivia
You could pick it up by just the strap and fling it away.
Ari
Yeah, I want to do that. I want to, like… [Struggling sounds.]
Hallie
Okay.
Cassidy
Can I also Take One for the Team to increase the roll of an NPC or fellow PC to a 10?
Olivia
Ooh~!
Hallie
You absolutely can!
Ari
To a 10!
Hallie
Look at that!
[00:15:00]
Olivia
What a team player you are, Eilidh.
Cassidy
[Giggles.] And then Hallie gets to hold a hard move over my character specifically.
Hallie
Mm-hmm.
Ari
I want to push it in the general direction of whoever is closest as I slowly get out of the pool.
Hallie
That’s gonna be Cassidy.
Cassidy
Yeah, probably me.
Ari
Okay.
Cassidy
I guess Eilidh will roll away from Yugi to try to snag the bag, or get closer to it. It puts her in more danger for; take one for her team.
Hallie
Yeah. You can do that. You can grab the bag. In fact, it is the players’ turn again because that happened on Yugi’s turn. He was just on the ground.
Cassidy
Oh, it did! Cool.
[Music ends.]
I will not do anything because I’m scared of what Hallie could do to me.
Hallie
I can do it to you whether you would do anything or don’t do anything.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] I know.
Olivia
[Uneasy groan.] You can hit him with that void.
Ari
Yes.
Hallie
Your boy, the void.
Emily
Alright. I’m gonna use my ability, The Void Stares Back.
Olivia
I close my eyes really quickly. I see your power building up and I know what’s gonna happen and I close my eyes.
Hallie
From experience, you’re just like no, no, I’m not living through this again.
Olivia (as Yuli)
I don’t want her to see. I don’t want her to know.
Cassidy
“She cannot know.”
Olivia
“She cannot know! My deepest secret.”
Hallie
Alright. Let me think about which stat you could get from Yugi.
Cassidy
I bet he has really bad stats.
Hallie
One of these is way better for you than the other one.
Olivia
Do the one that’s better for her.
Hallie
Okay, I’ll give it to you. Yugi’s slick.
Emily
Yes! That is so much better.
Hallie
Yeah. You learn one of your target’s weaknesses. Gain +1 ongoing when exploiting that weakness. So, if you do something that specifically bothers Yugi Balls.
Olivia
Sick.
Cassidy
[Giggling.] I thought you said bothers Yugi’s balls.
Olivia
No. None of us have ever said that.
Cassidy
I don’t—
Hallie
I should not have gone with the name Yugi Balls, but it’s so funny.
Cassidy
I can’t…
Hallie
Not even for the balls joke. It’s just, like…
Cassidy
Yeah.
Olivia
It’s just a bad name.
Emily
I’ve really been enjoying all the random phrases that I’ve gotten out of this. Whizzing balls, that was a good one.
Cassidy
This is a good quotable episode, yeah.
Olivia
They’re gonna be saying this forever.
Emily
You’re touched by the balls.
Ari
Touched by the balls. Avoid the falling balls.
Olivia
[Musically.] Blinded by the balls~
Cassidy
And the weakness is something only Bert knows?
Olivia
[Musically.] Something only Bert knows~
Ari
Heh.
Hallie
Your target’s weakness is his massive insecurity over his Tamagotcha invention which is the flying balls with the accompanying remote.
Olivia
He should feel bad. He’s forcing us… He’s capturing us. He’s kidnapping us.
Hallie
You don’t understand. They laughed him out of the academy!
Olivia
A lot of people that deserve to be laughed at are laughed at.
Hallie
They said “we already have Necrocards. Why do we need Necroballs?”
Olivia
They probably understood.
Hallie
And he said, “because, they’re cooler.”
Olivia (as Yuli)
It’s inherently evil to capture another being and keep them as your monster pet in a little ball. I don’t like the cut of your jib, Mister Yugi Balls. I’ll say that now.
Emily
Is he still on the ground or is he standing up again?
Hallie
He’s in the process of getting up.
[Fast halloween chase music begins.]
Olivia
I am just going to choose an opportune moment to run between Yugi’s legs as he’s trying to stand up to give someone essentially advantage on attacking him, because I’m not very fierce but I can be slick.
Hallie
Right.
Ari
I also have a move that can help.
Hallie
Christ.
Ari
I am just gonna use all of my game-breaking moves now.
Hallie
Yeah, fine.
Ari
The thing is, I can’t come up with anything funny other than the name, so I guess I’m just gonna say the name.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ha-ha. You thought they were making fun of you because of the invention, but really they were making fun of you because your name is Yugi Balls.
[laughter.]
Ari
And then I want to spend an AP to do Laugh Track. When I make a joke, I can summon ethereal laughter which temporarily disorients target of my choice within earshot.
Cassidy
That’s gonna destroy him.
Olivia
That’s so scary and sad.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Oh no! It’s just like my nightmares!
Emily
Aww!
Olivia
Oh dude.
Cassidy
That targets his insecurities.
Hallie
[Laughs.] That does. That does target his insecurities.
Olivia
Specifically that he is not liked.
Cassidy
[Emotional.] Oh…
Olivia
So, it feels like we were both giving advantage here. Can Emily finish it up with some kind of attack?
[Music ends.]
Emily
I was just gonna talk to him.
Hallie
How I’m gonna do this is that Ari’s laughter move is gonna make Yuli’s running between the legs easier, so you’re gonna get a +1, and then… Actually, maybe the talking from Emily will also make it easier. Then you’ll get a +2.
Olivia
To Slick?
Hallie
Yeah.
Olivia
Great.
Hallie
So that’s a +3 total. While you’re rolling, Bert, say your thing. I’m gonna color it with Yuli’s running.
Emily
Bert leans in, not close enough to also trip… Well, maybe.
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
Olivia
I dive underneath your legs but I don’t trip you.
Hallie
Bert’s physics don’t matter, because they’re weird and uncanny.
Olivia
He’s slightly hovering off the ground, actually.
Hallie
He’s just, like, flapping.
[00:20:00]
Emily
Except not because I decided at one point during character creation that Bert has wings but he can’t fly.
Hallie
Oh god.
Cassidy
[Giggles.]
Olivia
Oh. I was gonna say that the original tales of the moth man are that he has wings but he didn’t flap them to fly. He would just float.
Cassidy
He would just T-pose.
Ari
Oh my god.
Olivia
So maybe one day you can do that.
Cassidy
Levitation.
Olivia
Yeah, basically. You were doing what? I’m sorry.
Emily
Leaning in uncomfortably, eyes brightening again.
[Sad dramatic music begins.]
Emily (as Bert)
You know, I… I think—
[Music ends abruptly.]
Emily
Okay, I need to find a way to phrase this that isn’t me saying your balls are really cool.
[Laughter.]
Olivia
Your balls are mine.
Emily
No! I can’t say the phrase “your balls are really cool.”
Olivia
You can. You can.
Cassidy
Your invention? Your idea? Your…
[Music returns.]
Emily (as Bert)
I think your invention is really, really neat. Um…
[Music ends abruptly.]
Emily
[Chuckles.] “You have neat balls.”
Ari
You have neat balls.
[laughter.]
Olivia
That’s pretty neat.
Emily
Okay, I’m sorry. I need to stop.
Hallie
I don’t regret naming him Yugi Balls.
Olivia
We’re all loving it.
Hallie
Good.
[Music returns.]
Emily (as Bert)
You invention is really neat.
Ari
And so is your balls. … Sorry.
Emily (as Bert)
I don’t think you need to capture us for people to like your invention, because we like your invention. We could just tell people about your place instead.
Hallie (as Yugi)
You mean advertise my Tamagotchas? That’s what the balls are called, Tamagotchas.
Emily (as Bert)
Well, that’s a cool name. I like that name.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Right? Thank you. I thought it was way better than Necrocard.
Emily (as Bert)
You could just, like, make a flyer and put it up in the local hotspots for Necromon training and stuff like that. And you could put… you could put a picture of your cool place. And then people would come. But then you would just let them buy the Tamagotchas…
[Quietly.] not put them in.
Hallie (as Yugi)
But I have to prove that they work! The academy wouldn’t even give me a grant.
Emily (as Bert)
Well but, but… don’t you have surveillance cameras?
[Laughter.]
Hallie (as Yugi)
You know… that’s a good point.
Hallie
And at this point—
Olivia
I think as he starts to respond, I rolled a 12, and I go “MEOW!”
[Music changes to frantic silly music.]
Hallie
You rolled a 12?!
Olivia
I got a 12 altogether. I jet between his feet. I bat briefly at his shoes and run.
[Several people make cat sounds.]
Hallie
He goes “AH” and just claps straight back to where he was temporarily dazed a moment ago.
Olivia
Oh, back down he goes.
Hallie
Back down he goes, and your clock gets +1.
Olivia
Ooh, hurray!
Cassidy
Nice.
Hallie
So you are 1 away. You are 1 away from succeeding.
Olivia
We’re 1 away. We’re 1 away! Okay, okay.
[Music ends.]
Hallie
You have 3…
Emily
Where is he at?
Hallie
One. You are kind of trouncing on Yugi Balls, which is frankly what I expected after I saw all your character sheets, but it was too late.
Olivia
We’re survivors.
Cassidy
We’re fighters.
Hallie
But now it’s his turn. Still laying on the ground, he takes off his hat… revealing a second remote.
[Evil electronic music begins.]
Several
No!
Ari
Hallie, why?
Olivia
Laying on the ground, removing his hat.
[laughter.]
Hallie
He takes off his backwards baseball cap and hits the super turbo button, and now the balls are just—there are less of them because you’ve taken a bunch out of circulation, but they are continuing to be threats.
Olivia
No… I don’t like it.
Hallie
As part of that turn…
[Rolls.] Olivia, please roll me a Fierce, Take Action.
Olivia
Very well. Come on.
[Rolls.] Uh… 7.
Hallie
That’s a mixed success. So, just like Bert, you are not caught in the ball. It is however caught on the tip of your bandage tail, which feels a lot more painful.
Ari
Oh no.
Olivia
Oh… I spin in a circle.
Cassidy
Oh no!
[Music ends.]
Olivia
No… he got me.
Olivia (as Yuli)
He got me!
Olivia
I’m trying to hit it away, but every time I jump for it, it pulls out of my reach.
Hallie
Like a dog chasing his tail.
Olivia
Yeah, exactly.
Olivia (as Yuli)
I cannot get it off… This is it. This is it for me.
Hallie
And, that makes it your guys’ turn. He now has a second remote and he is getting to his feet during this turn.
Ari
No… Hallie.
Olivia
We gotta really smack him. Can anybody really smack him?
Cassidy
I got +2 Fierce.
Olivia
You should just attack him.
Ari
You should do it. I think you are the fiercest one of all.
Cassidy
Yeah.
Olivia
Hit him with your backpack!
[Tense action music begins.]
Cassidy
Eilidh sees the second remote…
Emily
Kick him in the balls!
Cassidy
…and she’s gonna—Kick the balls. [Laughs.]
Olivia (as Yuli)
Destroy the balls!
Cassidy
She’s swinging her backpack around to get all the other balls flying around out of her way so she can focus in and just, again, try to tackle the remote out of him. Take Action.
Hallie
Take Action! This is a flat roll.
Cassidy
Right. I would have +1, but I have -1. But I have +2 to Fierce.
Hallie
But you have those 2, yeah.
Cassidy
So, as long as I don’t roll too poorly…
Olivia
You got this.
Cassidy
[Rolls. Laughs.] I got snake eyes.
Olivia
Agh!
Ari
No!
[00:25:00]
Olivia
Snake eyes!
Emily
Nooo!
Hallie
Snake eyes!
Olivia
No, not the teen! Not the teen.
Hallie
Kneecaps! We’ve had two kneecaps. I call them kneecaps because I was trying to think of a whimsical way to refer to double ones.
Olivia
That’s fun.
Hallie
We’ve got two. We’ve got two instances of kneecaps this game! Alright.
Olivia
The kneecaps.
Cassidy
She’s swinging her bag around.
Hallie
You’re swinging your bag.
Cassidy
Running at Yugi.
Hallie
Running at Yugi.
Ari
God.
Cassidy
Gonna reach out to take that remote, maybe, push him around a bit, but…
[Music ends. Sad trumpet sounds.]
Hallie
Yugi completely sidesteps you.
Cassidy
Oh…
Hallie
And instead, you run directly into the rock climbing wall.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] Oh jeez.
Hallie
Which hurts. It’s got all its little bumpy parts.
Olivia
Yeah, you like bust your nose.
Cassidy
Aww.
Hallie
Scattering the contents of your backpack across the floor, including the letter.
Olivia
Ah!
Ari
No!
Cassidy
I tried, guys.
Olivia
You did great. It’s okay.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
You did a very good job.
Cassidy
Thanks.
Olivia
You’ll have your day in the sun. Yuli is not saying this. Yuli doesn’t believe it.
[Laughter.]
Ari
I did say it in character.
Cassidy
Eilidh’s clutching her face.
Hallie
Oh no~
Emily
Aww~
Cassidy
Maybe a little bit of blood coming out.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Ow!
Hallie
Alright… take a second hard move. This one you do get AP for. The first one you did not because you rolled a critical failure, but this one you do.
Cassidy
Okay.
Hallie
This is the second—Or no, you don’t, just kidding. This is one that I held from before.
Cassidy
I was gonna say, you have one, so you could just do it.
Hallie
Yep. This is the hard move that I am…
Cassidy
From Take One for the Team.
Hallie
Yes. Unfortunately, this one will probably end up affecting the whole team, because you hit the rock climbing wall just hard enough that it’s just going (long creek).
[Tense action music begins.]
Cassidy
Oh no.
Olivia
Oh my god!
Hallie
It’s just gonna cave in everything.
Olivia
Yugi Balls! This is criminal!
Cassidy
That’s an OSHA violation.
Emily
Did he get this place inspected?!
Olivia
It’s up to no code at all. It’s just placed against the wall, like a bookshelf.
Hallie
It’s just super-glued. He just super-glued it against the wall.
Cassidy
A couple of screws, you know.
Olivia
Now you are a true villain. It’s unsafe. What you’re offering is unsafe.
[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]
Hallie
My friends listening to Quest Friends! Hereafter, I start off this announcement break with a somber note.
[Over-dramatic piano music begins.]
It would appear that I broke many Under the neighborhood rules, set by Kyle, and the way that I play them is not quote-unquote “correct.” Uh, Kyle didn’t give me an itemized list, which is to say he did but I forgot all of it and I don’t feel like searching back through all the conversations we’ve had about it, so he’s gonna have to do it again if he wants a play-by-play. But, in essence, I took a lot of creative liberties, mostly by accident, and he told me I had to apologize.
[Drags and fades out.] So Kyle, I’m sorry…
[Game show music begins suddenly, changing the mood.]
Firebreathing Kittens is an actual play one-shot podcast that plays various tabletop roleplaying games with a season-long plot. Because there is a beginning and an end to each week’s story, feel free to jump in at any point. Hop into any tale that sounds fun.
The cast rotates and every week has a different combination of four from the same group of people.
Join us as we solve detective mysteries, attempt comedic banter, and enjoy friendship. The link is in the description, or you can search Firebreathing Kittens on the podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode.
Another thing you can search is our Patreon page, or you could just go to Patreon.com/QuestFriends. At the $10 tier we have a lot of things from Cryptid Cryptids like Mr. Monday’s playbook and descriptor and Eilidh’s descriptor, additional playbooks like the magical Girl, and even some extra rules and adventures as well as a complimentary copy of the core rulebook.
There is also the $5 tier which will get you Discord access, chat logs and video outtakes, and all of the new patrons are going for—Oh wait, that’s… Kyle, cut that. Cut it, Kyle.
[Music ends.]
If you do want to back the Patreon, now is the time to do it, because that will get you our whole backlog of content with a single donation. That is because the show will be going on hiatus for a few months.
Kyle has discussed this in more detail on the Patreon, and he’ll release an announcement episode about it next week, but in short, grad school and the job hunt and releasing episodes is a lot on his plate. Episodes have been late lately for a reason. So, he’s going to pause releasing main episodes and charging monthly patrons until he gets a new job and everything levels out.
[00:30:00]
We aren’t going away completely. We are just cooling off on the time-consuming content so Kyle can make sure he gets it right. The next episode will be the recap episode, and that will release probably within the next three to six months.
[Silly violin music carries out of the announcements.]
Cassidy
Did I just get crushed by the rock wall?
Olivia
[Gasps.]
Hallie
Oh, no-no-no, you’ll have time.
Cassidy
Oh.
Hallie
It’s just starting to peel away.
Olivia
It’s teetering! And it’s gonna hit all your stuff!
Hallie
Yeah. It’s not crushing you, but it is probably going to by next turn.
Ari
Oh no!
Cassidy
Because it’s…
Hallie
Yeah, because it’s slowly peeling away.
Emily
So what I’m hearing is that you’re currently trying to fill Yugi’s clock slightly more efficiently by forcing us to not do anything except escape.
Olivia
Except die. We can do this! We can still do this. He’s almost done. We just have to think of another smart thing.
Ari
Okay, I have a question. There are some balls that have fallen to the floor but are no longer active. Right? They just fell and didn’t capture.
Hallie
Yeah.
[Ragtime music begins.]
Ari
Okay. I want to use Elaborate Trap.
Hallie
Christ.
Ari
Using any available items on hand, immediately craft an elaborate trap of your choice. It’s prone to backfire. I have to roll Touch the Other Side when it’s sprung.
Olivia
Oh no.
Ari
But the trap, it’s not really that much of a trap, it’s just putting a bunch of the balls in front of Yugi and then make him chase after me, and then make him like “whoa,” like that.
Hallie
Do you want him to trip on the balls?
Ari
Yes. Like Home Alone. I don't know if that happened in Home Alone.
Hallie
Yeah, you can do that. He’s gonna be running away from the falling wall, so that is indeed in the path that he must escape by.
[Music ends.]
Ari
[Rolls.] Ooh, that’s a 4. It’s not snake eyes, but it’s not good.
Hallie
It’s not snake eyes, but it’s not…
Ari
Yeah, it’s less than a 6, so it’s not great.
Hallie
So that is what we call a failure.
Ari
Yes, so it will backfire on me.
Hallie
Yes. I think maybe you just trip.
Ari
I just trip?
Hallie
You just trip on the balls yourself. You got so excited, and you went so fast.
Ari
I also tried to run away from the thing, so I trip before he does.
Hallie
Immediately Shaggy-Scooby’d yourself over the balls.
Ari
Because I’m highlighting all of my moves, I guess it’s the appropriate time to say that, because I get hit, the little basketballs are going to show around his head because… if you take substantial injury, objects appear around your head.
Olivia
Why do you like basketballs so much, Monday? Why do you like basketballs?!
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
I like every sport. It’s the sport of the, of the… generation.
Olivia
I don't know…
Ari
He would say, if he wasn’t dazed and didn’t have basketballs around his head for everybody to see. But, that is my attempt. We might get captured, gang. This might be the end, the beginning and the end of the Cryptid Cryptids.
Olivia
Aww. Is there something…? That’s our turn, right?
Hallie
Yes, that was your turn. Yugi’s turn. The thing is, now that there’s been structural damage to the building that he’s in…
Olivia
Inevitable.
[Whimsical chase music begins.]
Hallie
He didn’t do a very good job building this place. So actually, Yugi Balls is not gonna do anything to fill up his own clock because of the impending doom caused by the teetering rock wall.
Ari
Okay.
Hallie
What he’s gonna do, actually, is pick up some of the balls that Cut it out Kyle just put down in an attempt, not to catch anyone, but to kind of push the rock climbing wall towards the direction of the soft bouncy mats.
Olivia
Oh.
Hallie
It’s gonna land over there, and that’s gonna be less disastrous than everything else. Let’s see what he gets.
[Rolls.] He got a 10.
Olivia
[Gasps.]
Hallie
Yugi Balls is good at rolling, nothing else.
[Music ends.]
So yeah, the rock climbing wall is no longer falling flat onto you. It has fallen diagonally onto the bouncy house area where it bounces up a little bit—
[Laughs.] There’s just a rock climbing wall now bouncing rhythmically over in the bouncy place. That’s just a thing that’s happening now. It’s harmless, unless you go interact with it, but it’s just there now.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Don’t go over there. Nobody go over there, don’t, even though it looks fun.
Hallie
That was technically his turn, so now it is your turn if you guys want to do anything further.
Olivia
Okay. I have a plan.
[Twinkle Twinkle Little Star begins.]
I have an ability called Puppy-Dog Eyes which is an automatic success to Convince Someone once per session.
Cassidy
Oh~
Hallie
Okay.
Olivia
So, I have the ball on the tip of my tail. I’m not gonna give him the big eyes. I’m actually just gonna look so sad and hurt that my tail is hurt…
Hallie
Aww.
[00:35:00]
Ari
Oh no!
Olivia
…and my tail is twitching, and I’m trying to paw at it but I don’t know how to get it off.
Emily
[Laugh-sobs.]
Olivia
And it hurts! I’m scared, and hurt.
Cassidy
Aww. You’re making me sad.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Hey, is that thing hurting you?
Olivia
My whiskers droop and then I nod bravely.
Hallie
He presses a button on his remote and it releases from the tail.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Well, I never wanted to hurt Necromon, slash cryptids.
Olivia (as Yuli)
You should reconsider your design, maybe.
[Laughter.]
Olivia
Then I jet away under a table.
Hallie (as Yugi)
But my design is so good! It works so well.
Olivia (as Yuli)
It’s not. Listen. You said you didn’t want to hurt me and you did. You did it.
Emily (as Bert)
But we don’t want to be inside balls.
Olivia (as Yuli)
We want to be free.
Hallie (as Yugi)
I was gonna let you out… maybe.
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
We like being out all the time, to have all the adventures and meet all of the friends.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Yeah. We have so much to learn.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Did you test this thing on anybody yet?
Hallie (as Yugi)
Oh, no, you’re my testers.
[Music ends abruptly.]
Olivia
Jesus Christ.
Hallie (as Yugi)
I needed—
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Olivia
Absolutely unconscionable.
[Friendly silly music begins.]
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
If you had asked us, we might have said yes.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Really?
Olivia (as Yuli)
I wouldn’t have under any circumstances.
[Laughter.]
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
I would be happy to help out. I mean, I love fighting, I love running around and doing stuff, but this is a little bit excessive. I don’t think anybody else wants anything to do with this. It’s a little rude.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Have you thought about testing it on yourself and see if it works? You know, if that’s a possibility that you have considered.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Well you know, I’m not…
Hallie
He taps one against him.
Hallie (as Yugi)
I’m not a Necromon. You know? I’m just a person!
Hallie
And then he throws the ball at the ground and it hits one of the many small things that were in Eilidh’s backpack.
Cassidy
Yeah.
Hallie
Nothing important. It’s not the letter.
Olivia
It’s like a DARE keychain.
Hallie
Like a DARE keychain.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] From the Boatman.
[Poké Ball enveloping sound.]
Hallie
The DARE keychain goes inside the Tamagotcha.
Cassidy
The keychain goes inside of it?!
Hallie
Yeah, it catches it.
Cassidy
Was that a cryptid?
Emily (as Bert)
Is your keychain a Necromon?
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Uh…
Hallie (as Yugi)
Like seriously, is your keychain a Necromon? Because I—
Olivia (as Yuli)
Is your keychain a Necromon?
Emily (as Bert)
What if it didn’t want to live in your backpack?
Olivia (as Yuli)
You drag it around?
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
I didn’t—Uh… Um, Uncle Boatman gave it to me, so I don’t really know. Eh?
Ari
I want to take a ball and throw it at a random object, like the basketball.
Cassidy
Like a piece of pizza.
Ari
The pizza patsa! No, not that! Not that.
Olivia
I reach desperately for it right before it’s consumed by a ball.
[Laughter.]
Ari
No! Don’t throw it at the—Oh, that looks so good. I would throw it at the patsa.
[Poké Ball successful capture sound.]
Hallie
It works, on everything.
Ari
Oh.
Hallie
It works on everything that you throw them at. It’s just catching items.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Uh, Yugi…
[Music ends.]
Olivia (as Yuli)
You can practice it on yourself, then, Yugi?
Hallie
He hits himself again.
Hallie (as Yugi)
No. Maybe it has to be…
Hallie
And he’s gonna throw one at the bouncing rock climbing wall, and it’s gonna just suck it all up inside.
[Poké Ball enveloping sound.]
Olivia (as Yuli)
See Yugi, what you’ve got here does not have to be an evil nefarious plan where you take living beings and you keep them inside of interdimensional spaces.
[Upbeat sentimental song begins.]
You could have a moving company.
Cassidy
Oh my gosh.
Hallie (as Yugi)
[Thoughtful.] A moving company…
Olivia (as Yuli)
Think about it.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
That’s a really good idea, Yuli.
Hallie (as Yugi)
You know, this isn’t what I set out for them to do, but…
Olivia (as Yuli)
But your dreams, they can change, they can morph. I used to be a tabby.
Hallie (as Yugi)
A tabby yule cat?
Olivia (as Yuli)
Yes. I lied before. I’m willing to tell you that now because you’ve done me the honor of releasing me and saving my little tail.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Wow, thanks! Nobody’s ever trusted me like that before.
Olivia (as Yuli)
That makes sense.
Emily
Maybe we’re still technically in some sort of combat, but I just really wanna pop up from behind him and hold his hand.
Olivia
[Laughs.] Your hand just slips from behind. The shot is just a close-up on your hands.
Cassidy
Like, he’s just limp by his side, and…
Olivia
Yeah.
Hallie
I know it was an anticlimactic end to the confrontation, but Olivia’s Puppy-Dog Eyes was technically the last that filled up the fourth thing in the clock that you guys needed to fill up.
Olivia
Oh, perfect. Perfect.
Cassidy
It’s perfect. What a transition. It’s like we planned it.
Olivia
So the balls just become, like, they just kinda float there neutrally?
Hallie
Yeah, they’re just hanging out. Then he’s gonna press the “no” button on the remote.
Olivia
It’s just yes or no?
Hallie
Just yes and no. Yeah.
Olivia
That’s honestly incredible.
Cassidy
You might want to add some more features, maybe.
Olivia
That’s amazing, honestly.
[Music ends.]
Olivia (as Yuli)
I say we leave immediately.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
We still have that letter to deliver.
Olivia (as Yuli)
It’s gonna be so late. We have to get to the post office.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Yeah, before it closes.
Olivia (as Yuli)
I don’t know when we left, but it felt like it was already dark.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
My friend Yugi, would you have a vehicle or car that could allow us to get fast to the post office?
Emily (as Bert)
My dad said not to get in cars with strangers.
Olivia (as Yuli)
We know him. We know who he is. He’s Yugi Balls.
Hallie (as Yugi)
I’m not a stranger. I’m Yugi Balls.
[00:40:00]
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Yugi is a friend. Yugi Balls is a friend.
Hallie (as Yugi)
You know me now.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Yugi’s not a stranger.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Like, the worst thing has happened. I’ve already tried to abduct you. I’m not gonna do it twice.
Olivia (as Yuli)
And you’ve already done your soul gazing thing into him, so you know him better than probably anyone he’s ever known.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Listen, friend Yugi…
[Silly ambling music begins.]
What you did to us is not very legal. It’s not very legal. We have evidence that we can take to police. But, if you take us in car to the post office so that we arrive on time, we will not call police. Do you like this deal?
[Laughter.]
Hallie (as Yugi)
Yeah, you know what…
Cassidy
Make, a, deal!
Hallie
From his pocket he takes a little keyring and you hear a beep-beep from the back as he unlocks his car remotely.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Yeah, that does sound like a good deal.
Ari
Okay. I want to Make a Deal.
Olivia
Oh. Oh!
Hallie
Yugi does not have any modifiers, if you do not. He’ll just drive you to the post office.
Ari
I don't know how to do modifiers.
Hallie
There’s time limits. There’s a penalty. I guess you would specify, like, if you leave the deal you die.
Ari
Well, time limit. I want it to be before the post office closes.
Hallie
Like, now. Yes, he’ll do it now.
Emily
I have a question, though.
Hallie
Yes?
Emily
Did you say earlier that the remote was messing with our compass?
Hallie
Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. The compass on the letter is still, like, (spinning sound).
Olivia (as Yuli)
Oh yeah. Can you turn that off so that we can use it?
Hallie (as Yugi)
Oh, yeah, you know what… hang on. I’ve got so many magnets in here.
Emily (as Bert)
I told you!
Olivia (as Yuli)
Magnets.
Emily (as Bert)
I told you it was magnets!
Hallie (as Yugi)
That’s what was keeping the rock climbing wall up. Magnets.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
You were correct, Bird friend.
Hallie (as Yugi)
That’s why it fell down. They’re not really good magnets.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Think about what you’re saying, Yugi.
[Music ends.]
Emily (as Bert)
Wait. Your entire wall was held up with magnets?
Hallie (as Yugi)
No, just the rock climbing part.
Emily (as Bert)
I’m afraid to tell you that I cannot recommend this to my friends or family.
[Laughter.]
Olivia
As we’re gathering up Eilidh’s possessions back into her backpack:
Olivia (as Yuli)
It’s not good. Not good. Anyway, really nice talking to you, Yugi.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Well you know, I can’t turn off my magnets, but I’m sure that if we just get a distance away, it’ll fix itself. Plus, I know where the post office is.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
You should be taking us before it closes, otherwise I call police.
[Laughter.]
Olivia
Just stiffly standing by the door.
Cassidy
Just on-dial, waiting.
Olivia
Give me a reason.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Hallie
You all get into Yugi Balls’s car, which is a Volkswagen Beetle.
Ari
Oh no!
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Olivia
Ugh… I sit on the luxurious wide dashboard.
Cassidy
[Smiling.] Eilidh sticks her head out the window.
Hallie
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean a Beetle, I meant like a Volkswagen wagon, like Red Mary. That’s what I was trying to do.
Cassidy
Yeah. Yeah.
Ari
Oh! That’s very different.
Olivia
Oh!
Hallie
It’s a big van. I meant the opposite of what I said.
Olivia
Wow!
Hallie
It’s a Beetle that’s big. Let’s go with that.
Olivia
It’s like a van-sized Beetle.
Cassidy
Like the sport Beetle.
Emily
I’ve gone in one of those!
Olivia
It’s family-sized.
Hallie
Yeah, it’s a family-sized Beetle.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Oh, that’s really impressive. A lot of head room.
Cassidy
Eilidh’s got her head stuck out the window.
Emily
Bert tries to stick his head out the window…
Ari
Oh no!
Olivia
Your wings are gonna fill up.
Cassidy
Eilidh will hold onto him so he doesn’t just fly.
Emily
…and then drag his head back in, and happily watch Eilidh stick her head out the window.
[Door opening chime.]
Hallie
You get to the post office without incident. It is not about to close. You’re fine.
Ari
Okay.
Olivia
Great.
Emily
Bert will stop right outside the door because I made a joke earlier about how he wasn’t allowed in post offices.
Hallie
[Laughs.] That’s right! I forgot that! Alright.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
We’ll just be a minute, Bert. It will be real fast. I promise.
Hallie
Behind the post office grill desk thing is a lovely young woman with very long flowing black hair. Kind of one of those medieval style dresses.
Olivia
Oh cool.
Ari
Ooh.
Hallie
And she is looking at her nails when you come in.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Hey. We got a letter that needs delivering.
Cassidy
She’s gonna wave the little letter.
Hallie (as clerk)
Oh, could I just see that, sweetheart?
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Sure.
Cassidy
She’s gonna hand it over.
Hallie (as clerk)
There’s no address… Wait. You know what? I think this is for me.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Oh?
Olivia (as Yuli)
Huh?
Hallie (as clerk)
He never just calls me Baba Yaga.
[Russian waltz begins.]
Olivia
Ah! B. Y.!
Hallie
So she undoes the envelope and takes out a note…
Olivia
B. Y.!
Hallie
…and then just nods at it.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
If that’s all you need from us, I guess we’ll be on our way.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Actually, wait-wait, hang on.
Hallie
And she takes the letter. She’s writing on it on the table. You can see what the letter was, and it was just a page that said “do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely.”
Ari
Oh my god!
[Laughter.]
Olivia
Is he me in First Grade?
Cassidy
That’s adorable.
Hallie
She added a box at the end that says Positively.
Cassidy
Aww.
Olivia
That’s nice.
[00:45:00]
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Miss Yaga, friend Yaga, I have a question.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Yes?
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Is it true that Mr. Boatman is not allowed in post office, or is that just because he did not want to cross you?
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Well, he’s not allowed in the other post office. This one is fine.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah. That is like me and ice cream shops.
Olivia
[Laughs.] What?!
Emily
Bert’s little face is pressed up against the window. His whole front is just slammed up against the window, his wide eyes glinting through the glass.
Olivia
Desperately trying to read lips.
Emily
He really wants to be a part of this.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
He can come into “this” post office, but he’s afraid to. You’d think it would be because I work here as a part-time job when I’m not witching in the forest, but actually it’s because he got banned because he put all the stamps all over the walls like stickers. He says the temptation is just too much for him.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
That sounds like Uncle Boatman to me.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
I did the same in ice cream shop, just with all of the flavors instead of the stamps. In fact, I could not decide what flavor I wanted, so I put all of them out.
[Music ends.]
… That is too much information for you.
Olivia
I think it’s just enough.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
No, I’ve always wanted to learn about the Boatman’s best friend.
Olivia
[Gasps.]
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah, yes, he is my best friend. I am glad he thinks I am his best friend as well.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
It’s just that he can never remember your name. So it’s so nice to meet you in person, Mister…?
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah yes. My friends call me Freddie, call me Nikolas Kage, and call me Bird 2. You can call me that name or you can call me however you want. Mr. Boatman calls me Don’t Cut it Kyle. Cut this out Kyle, sorry.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] Kyle, cut it…
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Don’t Cut it Kyle is a different name from somebody else.
[Giggling.]
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Cut it Kyle… Okay. I’ll remember that.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
That way I carry things from all of my friends. With all of the names, I have things from all of my friends.
Olivia
That’s nice.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
That’s such a nice way to look at it. It’s like the mail, which is my second passion after being a witch.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Mail is very important. It helps friends communicate with each other which makes the world a better place.
Olivia
You’re reading from a pamphlet, Mr. Monday.
[Laughter.]
Emily
Bert’s little fingers squeak a little bit as his hands move a little bit on the glass.
Olivia
Oh no! Poor guy.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Well, thank you very much. Would you make sure he gets my reply?
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Mr. Boatman is going to host the best pizza patsa party, and the contract did not specify I should not invite other people, so you are invited to the pizza patsa party. It will be the best one. I’m sure he will be happy to see his friend.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
You know, maybe I will just swing by when the post office closes.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
He will be glad to see you. Let us go and tell him the deal is complete.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Nice to meet you~
Olivia (as Yuli)
Nice to meet ya.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
Nice to meet you, too.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Oh, and our friend out there, his name is Bert.
Hallie (as Baba Yaga)
[Flatly.] I know Bert.
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Staring daggers at Bert through the window.
Cassidy
And they’re gonna be at the same pizza patsa party later.
Olivia
Oh, I hope it’s not awkward.
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie
It’s not at a post office, so it’s fine.
Cassidy
Yeah.
Olivia
That’s true.
Cassidy
Is Yugi still out there?
Hallie
Oh yeah, he’s waiting for you. The engine’s idling.
Olivia
That’s really nice.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Hey! Is there anywhere else you needed to go?
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Well, you know, we just invited the post office lady to the pizza patsa party.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Yeah. Your part of the deal is complete. I won’t call police. But, you are invited to the pizza patsa party from the other deal because it doesn’t say I cannot invite other people.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Yeah, it wasn’t specified.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Really? I’m invited to the pizza patsa party?
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Yes, but do not bring balls or I call police.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Yeah, leave them. Leave them.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Okay, I’ll leave them.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Okay.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Sounds good.
Cassidy
So we’re heading back to the bachelor pad?
Olivia
Walking the calm walk of heroes.
Emily (as Bert)
I missed you~!
Emily
Bert says, from the back seat into Eilidh’s ear.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Ah! … I’ll get used to that at some point.
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]
Hallie
When you get back to the community center, everything looks the exact same as you left it until you get down to the bachelor pad which has been remade entirely into an Italian restaurant.
[Classy classical music begins.]
Cassidy
Oh my gosh.
Ari
Oh! Yes!
Hallie
Because it’s the best pizza patsa party.
Ari
The best! The best pizza patsa party.
Hallie (as Boatman)
Greetings, comrades! My friends! Look, you asked for the best pizza patsa party, so I entirely redid my living room and home.
[Laughter.]
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
Ah, this is beautiful. This is the best pizza patsa party. You have completed the deal. We have completed the deal as well.
[00:50:00]
We have delivered letter to post office and to recipient of letter.
Hallie (as Boatman)
And how did the both of those work? What? I wanted you to just go to the house. Why did you go to the post office? I hate the post office. I wanted it out of the hands of the post office.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
I mean, there was no address. The compass thing didn’t work.
Hallie (as Boatman)
There was a magic compass! What do you mean it did not work? I made the magic myself, just like I used magic to make this fabulous restaurant.
Olivia
I’m pulling something… a breadstick out.
Cassidy
And Yugi’s joined us, right?
Hallie
Yeah, Yugi’s there.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Wow, pizza patsa! You know, we used to serve this at the Raveyard.
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
Olivia (as Yuli)
Okay. Used to? Why don’t you anymore?
Hallie (as Yugi)
Why don’t I? Well, it’s—
Emily
[Grinning.] Because we ruined it.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Well, it’s closed.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Oh, right.
Hallie (as Yugi)
I can’t safely operate according to laws.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Your many attacks on our personages. Yeah, I remember that.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Yeah, I can’t, um… I can’t do that.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
That’s why we couldn’t deliver the letter to the house.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Just to be clear, were you expecting to deliver the letter to one Baba Yaga?
Hallie
The Boatman cannot blush, but he somehow is.
Cassidy
[Giggles.]
Hallie (as Boatman)
You weren’t supposed to know.
Olivia
A faint red hue appears in the middle of his dark hood.
Emily
He suddenly feels freezing cold hands, one on each cheek…
Hallie
No!
Emily
…from Bert perched on a chair behind him.
Olivia
Like mittens filled with ice.
Hallie
He backs away.
Hallie (as Boatman)
Yes, yes, it was to Baba Yaga. She is great.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
We made sure that she got it, then. Don’t worry. You’re such a worrier, Uncle Boatman.
Hallie (as Boatman)
But I am very cool. I am not a worrier. I do not worry about things. Who is new friend, Eilidh?
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Yugi. Yeah, Yugi, uh…
Olivia (as Yuli)
He’s alright.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
I’ll let him explain it.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Hi! I’m Yugi Balls! I invented Tamagotchas. They’re gonna be a moving company!
Olivia
Yeah!
Hallie (as Yugi)
There’s absolutely no other part to this story that needs telling.
[Laughter.]
Hallie (as Boatman)
Sounds good to me!
Olivia
Beautiful. It’s good to introduce people to new people.
[Music changes to funky party song.]
Hallie
The Boatman releases a disco ball that’s just there. He’s also used magic to acquire a disco ball.
Emily
Bert shies away from the disco ball briefly, upon seeing the shape, but then the light begins to glitter.
Ari
Oh no!
Hallie
I didn’t even think of that. The Boatman has no idea.
Hallie (as Boatman)
I got your pizza patsa and your Pepsi Cola, because that’s the same name. We did not bother renaming that.
Cassidy (as Eilidh)
Did you get the mozzarella sticks?
Hallie (as Boatman)
Eilidh. The mozzarella sticks?
Hallie
He gestures them to you.
Hallie (as Boatman)
And I got several small marinaras with spoons to drink with them.
Olivia
Oh, perfect.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] I forgot about that.
Hallie (as Boatman)
I know it’s, like, super weird, man. I don’t understand it.
Emily
Bert’s just reaching both his little hands up towards the disco ball.
Hallie (as Boatman)
Don’t touch. Don’t touch it.
Hallie
Without even looking at Bert, he’s just like:
Hallie (as Boatman)
Don’t… Don’t touch the ball, man. Look at these several small marinaras. Do you want the small marinara?
[Music ends abruptly.]
Emily
… There’s a long silence.
[Laughter.]
[Music resumes.]
Hallie
The Boatman slowly pushes it towards you the entire silence.
Hallie (as Boatman)
Okay, more for Cut it out Kyle.
Ari
I’m already eating. Well, I’m eating the patsa, but also some of the marinaras as well.
Hallie (as Boatman)
Take this. This this other small marinara. I can get more of the pizza patsa. They really like me.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
This truly was the best pizza patsa party. You have fulfilled your deal.
Olivia
[Laughs.] I hold your oath fulfilled.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
The contract is now complete.
Olivia
That’s incredible!
Hallie
Confetti falls from the disco ball, like at the end of an Ace Attorney trial when they’re innocent.
Olivia
Yay! Yuli is sitting on a table near everyone, eating his pizza, trusting for the first time.
Hallie
Near everyone? That’s so sweet!
Several
Aww!
Hallie
He trusts them even though he was so afraid they’d murder him for no reason earlier.
Olivia
It turned out that they didn’t this time, so…
Ari
I will try and pat the head.
Olivia
I hold perfectly still. I hold perfectly still.
Ari
Very slowly pat the head, and I put the hand back. I need more patsa.
Emily
With your hand full of cat fur.
Ari
Yeah.
Hallie
Oh god.
Olivia
So filthy. He smells like a cigarette from a gutter.
Olivia (as Yuli)
I haven’t washed.
Ari
[Laughs.] Oh no!
[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]
[00:55:00]
Emily
Yay!
Olivia
We did it.
Cassidy
For Yugi Balls.
Ari
Yugi Balls.
Hallie
Yugi Balls. I made so many plans, and then none of them really mattered. I was so nervous, because he was going to approach all of you in the middle of the street and do an Honest John Pinocchio thing, like “hey kids, you ever wanted to go to the Raveyard,” but then every single one of you took abilities like Reads People, and ‘I am afraid of anyone and will do Perception checks at any and all times.’
Cassidy
[Laughs.]
Hallie
So then I was like, no, I just gotta get them to the Raveyard and hope.
Olivia
Hope they’ll go inside?
Hallie
Instead of a shifty guy being like, hey, come with me to a second location.
Olivia
He said there was free pizza, and I was just in.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Emily
You want me to just tell Kyle to come in here?
Hallie
No. No! NO!
Ari
No! Why are you listening in?
Cassidy
Get out! No men! No boys!
Olivia
Even your palm, partially in frame.
Ari
Get away! Kyle, cut this out.
Cassidy
No boys allowed.
Hallie
Kyle, cut it out!
Cassidy
Cut it out, Kyle.
Olivia
[Musically.] Cut it out, Kyle! Cut it out, Kyle!
Hallie
[laughs.]
Ari
Oh. I realized he can’t hear us because Emily has headphones.
Kyle
I can see Hallie breaking down.
Olivia
Only she knows how funny we are.
That dastardly Yugi, enemy to the people.
Hallie
He’s gonna be the best, like no one ever was.
Olivia
[To the tune of the first Pokémon theme.] I’m gonna be so very good, like no one has yet been. To catch monsters is my goal, to train them is my fins. Necromon! Ooh, my heart is true. My evil will pull me through.
Ari
Ooh~
Olivia
I like this as a combat, that we are basically almost doing two things per turn and then something else happens.
Hallie
Yeah!
Ari
Yeah! Yeah.
Olivia
Don’t cut it out, Kyle. Don’t cut it out.
Ari
Don’t cut it out, Kyle.
Hallie
Don’t cut it out, Kyle.
Cassidy
Keep it in, Kyle.
Olivia
Keep it in, Kyle!
Hallie
Do you like the confrontations, Kyle? Keep it in, Kyle.
Olivia
Keep it in, Kyle~
I hate this Yogi Balls.
Hallie
Yogi Balls? His name is Yugi Balls. Show him respect.
Cassidy
Yogi Bear?
Hallie
I love him.
Olivia
Misguidedly. I’m sorry.
Hallie
No, that’s correct.
Cassidy
Yogi Balls would be amazing though. Does he have a picnic basket?
Olivia
Or a small friend who’s better than him.
Hallie
“This is my Pokénic basket.” Be really careful what you say because there is going to be a sequel.
Cassidy
[Laughs.] Oh no. Yogi Bear is a cryptid.
Ari
Yes.
Hallie
“Hey, Boo Boo!”
Cassidy
“Hey, Boo Boo!”
Hallie
“This is my magic picnic basket!” It’s like Mary Poppins’s bag. I don't know why Yogi is lapsing back into Boatman, but fine.
Olivia
It’s fun.
Emily
Kyle, I can’t hear you.
Hallie
Kyle, no!
Ari
What is Kyle doing now?
Hallie
Kyle, no!
Ari
Is he telling you things about cutting… things?
Cassidy
Cut it out, Kyle.
Hallie
Cut it out, Kyle.
Ari
Cut it out, Kyle.
Hallie
Cut it out!
Olivia
Cut it out, Kyle~
I can’t wait to hear the compendium of all the different ways I’ve sung “cut it out, Kyle.”
Cassidy
My idea was to have Eilidh try to help safely move the rock climbing wall in a show of support. “Look, we’re not mad at you, we’re just mad at you trying to get us.”
Hallie
“We’re not mad at you, we’re just mad at you.”
Cassidy
We’re mad at what you’re doing.
Olivia (as Yuli)
I’m mad at you. Yugi, you can see that you’ve not painted the full wall. You’ve left the space blank behind where the rock climbing wall was. It’s shoddy. It’s shoddy.
Hallie
So technically he rolled, but we’ll just have Kyle cut that out. Cut it out, Kyle. We’re gonna have you help him instead, try to move him.
Cassidy
Protecting the bad guy, even though he’s the bad guy.
Olivia
You’re a good kid. You’re a good kid, kid.
Hallie (as Yugi)
Wow, thanks! Nobody’s ever trusted me like that before. Not since I stole that bike…
Olivia (as Yuli)
Stole a bike? Why did you steal a bike? Who did you steal a bike from?
Cassidy
I’m so mad at you, Hallie.
Hallie (as Yugi)
It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! And everybody brings it up all the time.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Well, you’re young. You’re young. It’s different.
Ari (as "Mr. Monday")
You should go back and apologize to your friend for stealing the bike. Maybe you can give it in the ball, put it in the ball.
Olivia (as Yuli)
Oh! Yeah. It could be like advertising.
Hallie (as Yugi)
That would be a really good idea, and I could wrap the ball with a little ball and be like “hey, here’s that bike I stole.”
Emily
Aw, I want pizza now.
Olivia
I do too.
Hallie
Pizza.
Cassidy
Sorry. I was really hungry.
Emily
[Fake sobbing.] This is a terrible session.
Olivia
Share your dreams.
Emily
Now everyone wants pizza and nobody has pizza except Cassidy.