25. The Siren in the Dead City Transcript
Transcript by Raina Harper
[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]
Kyle
Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the roleplaying game Under the Neighborhood. I’m Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about a killer party in the afterworld.
Ari
Hello. I am Ari, she/her, and I play Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, also known as Quique, he/him, and he is the opportunist who adapts and makes copies?
Kyle
I think it might be “creates” copies, but it’s semantics.
Ari
And creates copies.
[Laughter.]
I need to actually go and get—
Kyle
They come from him in some way.
Ari
Yeah. I’m frantically looking for the book right now.
Emily
I’m Emily, they/them, and I play Irene Hawthorne, the Necromon Trainer who overextends and doesn’t have a second descriptor, she/her.
Tom
Hello! I am Tom. My pronouns are he/him. I am playing Hilda Miszkiewicz, the guardian who pulls pranks and escapes, whose pronouns are she/her.
Hallie
I’m Hallie, pronouns she/her. I play Sparky Malarky, also she/her, the intuition who investigates and has a mascot suit.
Kyle
So, as you heard, we’ve got a couple of new descriptors there because we did some advancement, we did some level-up. What did we advance to? You’ll have to listen or read on to find out. Essentially, yeah, we did a bunch of upgrades. As they come up, we’ll talk about where they came from and what’s going on, especially when the descriptors come up. I think that’s a good time to be like, why does Sparky have a mascot suit, where did the suit come from, what is it. We’ll figure that out later.
That being said, before we start with our Slice of Life Complications, during the End of Campaign Survey, one of our audience members, one of our fans, said that it would be really appreciated if we recorded our pre-session rolls. Specifically, Hallie gets to roll all four of her stats, Ari gets to roll Loaded Dice which Quique gets to use later, and Ari, you have a new move this time that you want to decide each session. Right?
Ari
I do, yes. Basically, it’s called Doubles, it’s part of my opportunist playbook I believe. I pick a number between 2 and 5. If I roll two of that number, it counts as a critical success. But then, I also pick a number between 2 and 5 and if I roll two of that number it counts as a critical failure. So, I’m living on the edge here. I’m gonna pick 2 as my critical success number and I am gonna pick 5 as my critical failure number.
Kyle
I appreciate that you didn’t just choose two numbers that were failures, you chose a number that would normally give you a success for your critical failure and a number that would normally give you a failure for your critical success.
[Laughter.]
Ari
Oh yeah, I am living dangerously here.
Kyle
That’s fun. I like that a lot.
Ari
I might definitely get them confused, but you know. Now I am rolling my Loaded Dice.
[Rolls.] And I rolled a 10.
Kyle
I’m assuming not two fives.
Ari
No, it is not two fives. It is 6 and 4.
Kyle
Alright. Ari’s got a 10 to note. With Loaded Die, we always talk about what Quique did to set that up when the move becomes applicable, so we won’t talk about that now. However, Sparky, I want you to roll your stats, Hallie, and I want you to explain the spread. Like, why are Sparky’s stats the way they are?
Hallie
Oh, okay. Let’s see. Okay…
[Rolls.] So, the first stat, because I just roll them left to right, was Heart. I rolled a 5 which gives me a +2 for that stat.
Kyle
Ooh.
Hallie
I feel like that is pretty self-explanatory because she had some moments last time. Time has passed since then, but at least last episode she had some moments. She’s a lot more willing to reach out to the people in her life, not automatically think the worst, not be agonizingly annoying to Quique, and is just generally on a better path forward as far as acknowledging her own emotions and growing as a person goes.
[Rolls.] Alright, my second one was for Books and I rolled a 3 which gives me a solid 0. Sparky hasn’t been reading, I don't know.
[Laughter.]
She’s just… books, that’s not where her focus is. She’s still trying to find her new heist board conspiracy focus.
[00:05:00]
Kyle
Mystery.
Hallie
She hasn’t found something to replace the rutabagas yet.
Kyle
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hallie
[Rolls.] Another 3 for Fierce. That gives me a 0 for that, however one of my advancements gave me a +1 to Fierce, just like an automatic +1 to whatever wild card stat I rolled, so actually I have a 1 in Fierce. Sparky’s just a lot more willing to fight, but fight good, because she was always ready to throw down before, but like about things that didn’t matter and in ways that aggravated people who were close to her.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie
This is just like… she’s finally regaining the sense of purpose that she had lost all these years and was furiously trying to replicate.
[Rolls.] And then for Slick, I got a 2 which gives me a -1. She’s just bad at Slick.
Kyle
[Laughs.] Okay. Sparky’s feeling very heartfelt and not much else.
Hallie
Not much else.
Kyle
Alright! The next part before we begin, each session we do a Slice of Life Complication where we create some sort of mundane thing that gets in the way of your characters’ lives. It’s gonna be actually very applicable this session because I have a lot of things that happen but I don’t really have any plot, so this is where that comes from. With that in mind though, what are our ideas?
Ari
I have one for Irene. You know how sometimes when you do your laundry sometimes it’s only one sock that comes out and the other mysteriously disappears? Well, this time, it may actually literally be happening to Irene. No matter how many socks she washes, there’s only one sock of each pair. Now, what would Irene do? Would she wear a mismatched pair of socks or will she not wear socks? What will she do in this conundrum? Stay tuned. That is my Slice of Life Complication for Irene.
Kyle
Her socks keep missing, but just one.
Ari
Yeah, a single sock, so she has a lot of mismatched socks now.
Kyle
Okay. Okay.
Hallie
I have one, but it involves the Worlds’ Fair. Is that allowed?
Kyle
Yeah, that’s fine.
Hallie
Okay. It’s also for Irene. One of the little game stands has this adorable large stuffed Boidelrat, and your Boidelrat wants it so, so bad. She will not let you leave until you win this Boidelrat against this very obviously rigged carnival game.
Emily
[Amused sounds.]
Ari
That’s beautiful.
Kyle
Love it.
Emily
[Smiling.] I love it so much.
Tom
I’ve got one for Quique.
Kyle
Oh-ho-ho.
Ari
Oh no.
Emily
I was gonna riot if you said Irene.
Kyle
I genuinely wondered if there was gonna be an Irene sweep this time.
Tom
No-no, no, I was aiming for Quique from the start.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Ari
Oh boy.
Tom
Quique, one of your old dead “colleagues” in quotation marks in the field of Chemistry has been trying to hand-deliver you a response to a paper you published a very, very long time ago.
Ari
Oh no!
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Tom
And is using the opportunity of the Worlds’ Fair to attempt to take the stand during a symposium and talk about his comments on your old research.
Ari
Oh please. More comments than questions.
Tom
Yes.
Kyle
It’s Flick, which is an alchemist who has been named previously.
Ari
Flick! Oh my god.
Kyle
As someone that Quique was like “yeah, Flick’s… great.”
Hallie
“Flick’s great…”
Kyle
In either case, it’s a chemist. Not a chemist, an alchemist specifically. It’s gotta be one of the alchemists.
Ari
Absolutely.
Kyle
And then Emily.
Emily
It’s for Hilda. There’s some ambiguous wording on a TSA website about something that she wants to bring and she can’t figure out if it’s allowed or not.
Tom
This is truly evil. Why would you say something like that?
Emily
Because it’s my fear!
Tom
My shampoo might be a slightly larger than allowed bottle.
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie
It might be 3.5 ounces.
Kyle
Oh, oof, terrible.
Ari
Oh no.
Tom
What if the dead use a different system of weights and measurements, too?
Hallie
That they just do not warn you about on the TSA website.
Kyle
I’ll mention it now because there wasn’t an easy way to put it in. They do use the metric system…
Ari
As they should.
Kyle
…and the day-month-year way of doing the calendar.
Ari
Oh my god, yes! Oh! That is so much better than how you do it. I hate month-day-year.
Kyle
Which is better, it is better, but it could frazzle—it could confuse a deeply frazzled 13-year-old. You know when you get into a fucking research rabbit hole and you end up somehow knowing less than you did going into it? “Metric, maybe they’re speaking in terms of Kelvin.” Well Hilda, this is not temperature, this is volume. “But, what if…” That’s Hilda’s heist board.
[Laughter.]
[00:10:00]
Okay, so our complications are: an old alchemist wants to hand-deliver a response to Quique or, if he can, get up on the stage and do it himself; Hilda doesn’t know how much stuff to put in; Irene, one sock keeps missing, just one; and then Irene, there’s an adorable stuffed Boidelrat at a game stand and Boidelrat will refuse to let you not get it. What are we leaning out of these?
Hallie
I’d like to change my vote, actually, to the chemistry paper guy.
Kyle
Okay. Okay.
Ari
My vote is to the Boidelrat.
Tom
My vote is also to Boidelrat. It’s so good.
Emily
I’m torn between the chemistry one and the Boidelrat one.
Tom
[Hushed.] Both, both, both.
Kyle
I’ve already got so many Quique characters.
Tom
Alright, we don’t have to do that one.
Emily
I vote for the Boidelrat~
Hallie
I mean, a chemistry person can approach Quique at any… that could be a running gag.
Ari
Yeah. I feel like, because there’s already—
Tom
This can be the new coffee machine.
Emily
We never got the coffee machine, though.
Hallie
This could just be a fallback like the coffee machine always is.
Ari
It could be.
Kyle
So, what kind of game is this? We don’t need to go into too much detail, but what kind of game is this that’s being rigged?
Tom
Jarts.
Hallie
Jarts?
Ari
I was picturing the claw game. It just keeps moving like there’s a magnet or something, or the opposite of a magnet.
Kyle
What if it’s just a bunch of them? You have to claw machine to get to a dart to throw into a balloon which will then drop water to cause a hammer to go up and hit the…
Hallie
It’s a relay.
Kyle
Rube Goldberg runs this machine.
Hallie
[Cackles.]
Tom
Oh no!
Kyle
“I make all of my victims the rubes!”
Hallie
Oh-ho-ho!
Tom
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Alright, I think we got it then. We good to begin for real?
Tom
Yes.
Ari
For real?
Tom
For real.
Kyle
For real?!
Hallie
For real?!
Tom
Yo, for real?
Kyle
Alright. We see the Earth. What a beautiful planet, Earth, the realm of the Here, where the living are.
[Western music begins]
From the Earth, we see a small desert town. It is near the end of summer. It has been a couple of months since last session. We can see the steam rise, we can hear the hiss, not many people are moving out, and we can smell the garbage of the junkyard which is both cars and trash. There’s a trailer that looks at first to be just another piece of the junk but you realize it has a van next to it and actually has some decorations up.
Hallie
There’s a flower box outside.
Kyle
There’s a flower box outside!
Hallie
Yeah!
Emily
Are there living things growing in it?
Hallie
There’s one.
Kyle
But this junkyard isn’t just a junkyard, it’s also a graveyard. In the middle of the junkyard slash graveyard slash Sparky’s home, there’s a mausoleum. Now, this mausoleum is crappy. It’s small, it’s dinky, it seems like very few people go in and out of this mausoleum.
But, if we look inside of it, we can see that there is a staircase. We follow ourselves through the staircase and inside of it we see hallways, every which way. A lot lie catacombs or crypts, just stonework going from place to place. If we followed one of the passageways we would see another staircase leading to probably a much better mausoleum. Most mausoleums aren’t in the middle of junkyards, ours just is.
[Music ends.]
Deeper and deeper into the crypt, it looks less like a classic crypt and more like an airport… but not completely like an airport.
[Lively Halloween music begins.]
Inside of this airport for example, in crypts or catacombs there’s often these walls of skulls, so we see a bunch of people standing in front of this wall of skulls just bapping the heads and asking questions which the skulls respond in kind because this is the help center telling them where to go.
There are other airport things as well, people moving back and forth. We see DSA, the Death Security Administration agents, going from a series of metal-detecting pearly gates. This is the DFW Intermortal Thereport, also known as the Dallas/Fort Worth Intermortal Thereport, a hellish series of loops from which there is no escape.
[Laughter. Music ends.]
Ari
No… No, Kyle. Why? Why would you do this?
Tom
Direct personal attack.
Kyle
I’ve saved this for over a year.
Ari
Oh my god, no. Why? Oh, I hate that airport so much.
Kyle
I describe all these things we see, but the big thing is something we hear.
[Inspiring orchestra music begins.]
There’s this inspiring orchestra music that’s blaring from this tinny little TV screen on the wall. You see a series of dead and alive people smiling at the camera, and at the end they just say “welcome to the Hereafter.”
Ari
Ooh, no… Oh, I hate this.
Kyle
Before the video loops again.
[Static sound. The music loops, sounding more tinny.]
[00:15:00]
Ari
Oh, I hate this. A man gets hit by a horse.
[Laughter.]
It’s not a thing to make you feel alive.
Hallie
He just turns into a ghost right there, and they’re like “no-no, you can’t just die, you have to go through the thereport.”
Kyle
Yeah. To explain this for a second, many, many times that Ari has come into the United States of America, she has had to suffer through this one video with just no vocals at all but this very patriotic inspiring music that loops over and over and over again. So, of course, I added it to this world of whimsy and fantasy. This video is seven minutes long…
Ari
Yeah.
Kyle
…but it’s been looping for the past half hour as the four of you are awkwardly standing in a back room of the DFW Intermortal Thereport.
[Music ends.]
When you tried to go through security, you were quickly flagged and all four of you were brought into this back room without much explanation.
Ari
Oh boy. Oh no.
[A clock steadily ticks.]
Kyle
How are you responding to this? I’m gonna say there’s no chairs either.
Hallie
Oh, what?! Oh! Agh! Ow!
Ari
Oh, there’s no chairs?! That’s even worse.
Hallie
I mean, I was furious before.
Tom
Quiet uncomfortable fear.
Emily (as Irene)
We are going to be late.
Ari
Quique probably is just silently looking to see if he can find any papers or anything that might help with whatever this is and show it to everyone.
Hallie
Sparky is pacing and ranting.
Tom
Hilda is looking back and forth for exits and escapes that do not exist.
Kyle
There’s one door, one table, a clock that you can’t even read—you can only hear the droning tick, tick, tick, and then that TV on the wall which flickers. For a second you think maybe you’ll be free of the video, and then it starts up again.
Ari
You’re never free of the video. A part of me is still watching that video to this day.
[Laughter.]
Emily
A bit of your soul remains in Dallas/Fort Worth.
Ari
My soul remains, yeah.
Kyle
In fact, the video breaks down once and some repair guys come in, fix the TV, and then leave without saying anything else.
Hallie
[Amused.] They just leave. They don’t respond to us at all.
Emily
Irene stomps her foot and knocks on… I don't know if there’s a little window in the door or something.
Kyle
Yeah, we’ll say there’s a two-way window. You think it’s a two-way window. In actuality it’s just very dirty so it’s fogged over on both sides.
Emily
Ew.
Ari
If there’s a camera or something, Quique might show the ticket to be like, you know, we paid for this ticket and we’re running late. We have all the paperwork here, so—
Kyle
Ari, roll Take Action.
Ari
Take Action? Okay.
Kyle
That is Fierce.
Ari
Fierce, alright.
[Rolls.] What’s that? It’s a 9.
Kyle
Okay, it is a success. You hear before you feel the gush of wind in the cromp…
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib! Tarledoib!
[Cute music begins.]
Kyle
As this very mossy skeleton possum jumps into the air, seeing the tickets and thinking it’s a toy and tries to clomp down on it.
Hallie
No! No!
Ari
Nooo! But I succeeded! Ugh, I wanna move—
Emily (as Irene)
[Reprimanding.] Boidelrat!
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib! Tarledoib!
Emily (as Irene)
Sit! Sit!
Kyle
Boidelrat sits.
Emily (as Irene)
Not toy. Not… toy.
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
[Measured.] Tarledoib…
[Chuckling.]
Kyle
You can tell, Irene, that the only thing Boidelrat got out of this was “toy.”
Ari
No!
Emily
No~
Kyle
And she starts going for it again.
Ari
Oh my god!
Tom
Can Hilda take out, like… I’m trying to think of something I would reasonably have with me. Hilda’s gonna take out like a sandal and dangle it as an alternate toy that is bigger and meatier.
Ari
Okay. I thought she was gonna hit it.
Tom
[Distraught.] No! Nooo! No…!
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Boidelrat turns.
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib?
Emily
Booker lunges for the tickets.
[Laughter.]
Tom (as Hilda)
Booker, no!
Ari (as Quique)
All of you should control your Necromon.
Emily
I imagine the two of them holding their Necromon like dogs that are trying to go greet each other.
Kyle (as Boidelrat)
Tarledoib! Tarledoib!
Emily (as Booker)
Rekoooob!
Ari (as Quique)
This is a serious situation here. We might lose our flights.
Emily (as Booker)
[Indignant.] Rekoob!
Kyle
Irene’s other Necromon just stand there disapproving.
Hallie (as Pokeyo)
[Weary.] Oh-ee-kope.
Tom (as Mossies)
See-sawm.
Hallie (as Pokeyo)
Oh-ee-kope kope, oh-ee-kope.
Emily
Booker poutily smacks the sandal with his little leg.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Emily (as Booker)
[Grumpy.] Rekoob…
Ari (as Quique)
You’re making me regret the decision of getting the same tickets for the same flight instead of having separate flights.
[00:20:00]
Emily (as Irene)
Well, my father said that I couldn’t travel as an unaccompanied minor even though I told him that I could.
Tom
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
Oh. I mean the flight would be you kids and Sparky. I know I didn’t trust Sparky…
Hallie
Sparky’s listening. In the background, she’s just shaking her fist at the TV that keeps playing the video over and over.
Hallie (as Sparky)
You cowards, you can’t detain someone without due cause. It’s right in the law book, which I don’t have with me because it’s in my checked luggage, but it’s in there. It’s in there!
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, we need some sort of reasoning as to why we’re here. We are gonna lose our flight and you’re gonna have to pay for a hotel room or for some other things.
Kyle (as ???)
[Flatly.] People, there’s no need to yell. I’m right here. Oh, wait… wait a second.
[Silly ambling music begins.]
Kyle
Behind the desk you see a figure suddenly appear, a semi-translucent figure, a tired DSA agent with just a little mustache who is a phantom. Each dead has their own traits and their own reason for coming into being based on how they died. Phantoms died unseen and unknown and as a fact can turn themselves invisible. Sometimes it just happens.
Tom
He entered a very strange machine.
[Laughter.]
Ari
I was typing “is his name Danny?”
Tom
[Hums the Danny Phantom theme.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Danny Phantom? This is against the law, Danny.
Tom
[laughs.]
Kyle (as phantom)
Please, I under that you’re stressed, but let us keep it professional. My name is Dan, as you can see with my name card here. Only my friends and my partner may call me Danny, or at least that’s what they would call me if I had them. So…
[Music ends.]
Kyle
He pulls out a book and flips it over.
Kyle (as Dan)
I assume that you all know why you’re being detained here.
Ari (as Quique)
No, sir, actually—
Hallie (as Sparky)
Why would you assume that based on everything that we have said and done and acted like?
Tom (as Hilda)
We don’t.
Emily (as Irene)
No! No one told us, and we’re going to be late to our flight.
Hallie (as Sparky)
These two are children.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah… kids, and I include Sparky in the kids.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Rude!
Ari (as Quique)
Hang on. So, sir, we do not know why we were detained here, so if you could please tell us this. Here are all of our documents. They’re all in order, as you can see.
Kyle (as Dan)
Thank you very much, sir. You’ve done a couple of violations today. For example…
Kyle
He points to you, Hilda.
Kyle (as Dan)
Too much shampoo.
Tom (as Hilda)
[Sighs.]
Kyle (as Dan)
But, the main issue here is that, as we can see, Miss…
Kyle
And he flips open a paper and starts looking through.
Kyle (as Dan)
…Katherine Mueller, Sparky Malarky, with the Katherine Mueller crossed out…
Kyle
Because out of character I asked Hallie would Sparky legally change her name, and Sparky said yes but she’d be lazy about it, so we decided that Sparky wrote in Katherine Mueller, crossed I tout, and wrote Sparky Malarky, so her legal name is a crossed out Katherine Mueller and then Sparky Malarky.
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie (as Sparky)
I did not realize this was going to be the issue at DSA and I’m pissed.
Kyle (as Dan)
Well, that actually isn’t the issue, ma’am.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh thank god.
Kyle (as Dan)
Your peculiar name aside, we noticed that someone with that name was on our No Die List.
Kyle
Which is a joke we made last arc and I remembered.
[Peppy silly music plays.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
Wait. Wait! What do you mean I’m on the No Die List? What?!
Kyle (as Dan)
Yes, ma’am. We have a series of incidents here. I can read them out if you would like, but they mostly come down to unwarranted harassment.
Ari (as Quique)
Hang on. Hang on. Why could she buy the ticket then? That seems like a fault on the system.
Kyle (as Dan)
Well, if I understand correctly based on my records and what you had just said a few moments prior, sir, you bought the tickets on everyone’s behalf.
Ari (as Quique)
[Stammers.] Yes, but I included her name and all of her document numbers and stuff.
Kyle (as Dan)
Well, sir, I don't know how to answer for that. All I can say is that we have a bit of an issue here.
Hallie
Is he holding the papers that have all my transgressions?
Kyle
I’ll just say it’s on the table between them.
Hallie
I’m gonna grab them and look through them.
Kyle (as Dan)
That’s gonna be another mark there, ma’am.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Uh, what? I’m sorry, what?
Ari (as Quique)
[Hushed.] Sparky…
Kyle (as Dan)
The unwarranted harassment.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What?! This was laying on—I didn’t even grab it from you. It was laying on the table. I would have grabbed it from you, to be clear, but you weren’t holding them. They were on the table as I can see.
Ari (as Quique)
[Hushed.] Sparky…
Kyle (as Dan)
Threatening to do… Okay.
Hallie (as Sparky)
It’s right there on the table.
Ari (as Quique)
[Hushed.] Sparky! Shush.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Why do you put things on tables if you don’t expect people to pick them up?
Ari (as Quique)
You don’t fight with the DSA agents. Have you ever flown before?
#Rob (as Diddy Jules)
No. I’m on the No Die List, apparently.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, I can see that. You don’t argue with DSA agents. That’s the first rule.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Yeah, but they’re being arguable. Okay, okay. How do you remove someone from the No Die List? You can’t just say we have a problem and then not offer a solution.
[Music ends.]
[00:25:00]
Kyle (as Dan)
Have you interacted with the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement before, ma’am?
Hallie (as Sparky)
[Sighs.] Yes. They propose bad solutions but solutions nonetheless.
Ari (as Quique)
Sir, it seems here we have a little bit of an impasse as people would call it. We have a flight and it’s gonna leave relatively soon, but you know, how can we resolve this situation? She was able to buy the ticket, so…
Hallie (as Sparky)
That does reflect poorly on you.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, so you know, is there a way that this could be resolved? I don't know, a fine? It’s not the best solution, I agree, but…
Kyle
Roll me Convince Somebody.
Ari
Out of character, I realize this sounds like a bribe. It’s not a bribe.
Kyle
Yeah, I don't know what stat to do with this. Since you said it’s not a bribe, I’m gonna say Books.
Tom
Time to slowly slide my allowance across the table to him.
[laughter.]
Ari
[Rolls.] Uh… that is a 7?
Kyle
Okay, a mixed success. So, your target is convinced mostly. He will give you a solution, however something is preventing Dan from giving you the solution. Dan will ask something in return, Dan will make one inconvenient misunderstanding, or Dan will be temporarily upset with you.
Ari
I like the maybe wanting something in return.
Kyle
Alright. Dan sits there and strokes his little mustache. You can see some flakes of it fall off.
Ari
Ew.
Kyle (as Dan)
Well, I can’t really speak much about flights. I don’t have the money. They don’t pay me enough to go on flights in the thereport. I can’t even afford nice sham—
Kyle
He looks at you, Hilda.
Kyle (as Dan)
You know, if some of that excess shampoo found its way to me…
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Tom
Hilda’s just going to hand over the entire bottle.
Kyle
You can see the ends of the mustache curl up in a smile.
Tom
[Uneasy chuckle.]
[Frantic chase music begins.]
Kyle
But you’re still late for your flight.
Hallie
No!
Kyle
Everybody roll me Take Action.
Hallie
No!
Emily
No~!
Ari
Oh boy.
Tom
Lucky for me, I roll with Heart.
Hallie
Kyle, can I take my list of transgressions with me as we run out of there?
Kyle
Okay. Just Hallie rolls me Take Action. No, no, no—
Hallie
[Laughing.] Wait!
Kyle
No. Hallie, roll me… Are you trying to just do it so he sees you or are you trying to sneak it out?
Hallie
I’m trying to sneak it out.
Kyle
Roll me Sneak.
Hallie
Oh… that gives me the worst stat. Okay.
[Rolls.] Fuck! Kyle, I got a 6.
Ari
[Various thinking sounds.] Do I want to use this here? Hmm. Hmm?
Kyle
You save Sparky or let her suffer.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari
I’ll save Sparky, somehow. I’m thinking.
Hallie
Damn it. This is happening so early in the session.
Kyle
How did you have things pre-planned out so that you were able to help Sparky get the book?
Ari
Oh! You were trying to get… What were you trying to do?
Hallie
I was just grabbing—As we leave and rush towards the plane, I’m grabbing the list of my transgressions so that I know what they have on me.
Ari
Oh! No. I thought you were just trying to book it to the plane.
Hallie
I’m trying to do that also, but Kyle told me to roll a different stat, so I did that, because I’m also trying to do that as I leave.
Ari
Oh…
Hallie
So you probably should not waste this on me, because I am being a dick.
Ari
Yeah, I think for this one I might not waste it. Sorry, Hallie.
Kyle
Sparky, you go to leave and Dan’s hand just slams down on the book.
[Music ends abruptly.]
He looks at you with a now-glorious mustache.
Hallie
Oh, good for him.
Kyle
And just shakes his head no.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Ugh, fine!
[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Airport sounds begin.]
Kyle (as intercom)
[Peaceful alert chime.] Next flight to Necropolis, please board: Group 1.
Kyle
Ari, you told me a year ago that you would translate that to the shitty Spanish, so fun for you.
Ari
[Laughs.] Uh… what did past me say? When? What? That I would say this in shitty Spanish?
Kyle
We were talking about the airport announcements and you were like, oh yeah, there’s this kind of really weird formal Spanish they use.
Ari
Oh my god! Yes, okay, I know what it is.
Kyle
I wanted to include at least one, so we’ll just say:
Kyle (as intercom)
Next flight to Necropolis, Boarding Group 1, please get on the coffin.
Ari (as intercom)
Atención pasajeros pasajeros con el vuelo dos, tres, quatro, con destino a necrópolis favor de abordar por la puerta ocho.
Kyle
As that happens, people start boarding, but we notice a very cool teen roll their eyes at that just really weird formal Spanish.
[Laughter. Chill rock punk music plays.]
[00:30:00]
This teen I swearing a black jacket, black leather jacket full of rhinestones and other things. They’ve got long thick black hair with a couple of streaks in it, and they’re watching as their nine-and-a-half-year-old little sister runs around.
Ari
Oh, she’s so big!
Kyle
There’s this little nervous Pik Pik, this nervous deer thing, just bouncing around as this excitable nine-and-a-half-year-old girl chases it with her just metal-as-fuck, in a cool skull way, forearm cane. If you didn’t know what Yunuen was like, you’d think the Pik Pik was scared, and it might be, kind of like how all Chihuahuas are scared at all times, but it does seem to be a game.
Ari
Awww.
Kyle
Quique, as you and Hilda run up first, Ariel with almost like a sixth sense just turns to you and says:
[Music ends.]
Kyle (as Ariel)
Qué onda, tio?
Ari (as Quique)
Qué hubo le, Ariel! You ready? Ready to ride?
Kyle
They look at Yunuen and confirm that Yunuen is out of sight just before turning to you and saying:
Kyle (as Ariel)
If it’s anything like it’s been so far, this whole trip is gonna be un desmadre. So yeah, I’m ready.
Ari (as Quique)
[Chuckling nervously.] Uh… it, you know, maybe, but it’s still gonna be fun. Right? Tas listo? You ready?
Kyle
Ariel, because they’re a senior now, dramatically flicks their hair backwards and, not even looking at you, just waves their hand while walking over to Yunuen.
Kyle (as Ariel)
Of course I am, tio. Are you?
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah! Of course, yeah.
Ari
I assume they have gone to Necropolis before.
Kyle
Yeah, probably, yeah.
Ari (as Quique)
Oh yeah, you know, I know you like Necropolis. It’s pretty cool. I’m excited for sure. It’s a fun place.
Kyle
From your side, you just feel a little tugging.
Ari (as Quique)
Oh! Qué hubo le chaparrita!
Ari
I am assuming that’s Yunuen. Right?
Kyle
Yeah. She’s nodding in excitement. Like, “yeah, I’m excited, I’m excited.”
[Childlike adventure music begins.]
Ari (as Quique)
Oh yeah? You are? Oh, it’s so great. The food is amazing. I know you also have gone a couple times, but you know, it’s great. The colors are fantastic. You’re gonna have a great time. Your sibling here is gonna take good care of you on the plane. Right, Ariel? You are?
Kyle
Ariel—
Ari (as Quique)
If there’s anything you need, I usually sit with you guys, you know, but now I’m gonna be over there in the other seats a little bit up-front, but if you need anything I can always go back, unless there’s a seatbelt on sign in which case I can’t… but I can still do it, you know, if sometimes it’s there and it’s not needed. Anyways.
Kyle
Ariel walks back. In response to you saying you’re gonna take care of Yunuen, you can see they’re holding onto her forearm cane and hands it to her.
Kyle (as Ariel)
Yuna, you got excited again. You gotta keep ahold of this.
Kyle
And then turns to you, Quique, and puts their hand on your shoulder.
Kyle (as Ariel)
It’ll be fine.
Ari (as Quique)
Well, if you need anything, as I say, just a couple seats, I can always go there. There’s also the flight attendant button. That’s— [Stammers and rambles.]
Kyle (as Ariel)
Tio, tio, tio.
Kyle
They kinda put their head down and raise their eyebrows.
Kyle (as Ariel)
We’re not the ones you have to worry about.
Kyle
And they look back, and you can see Sparky frantically trying to catch up to everyone else, and she has overtaken Irene who just starts slowly walking a little bit more. Irene, you just ran a bit too fast early on, so now you’re feeling a little achy, your head is pounding.
Emily
Aww.
Ari (as Quique)
Yeah, you know what, this is probably why I’ve gotten more nervous lately.
Hallie
[Laughs.] These new friends have resulted in a direct spike of my nonexistent blood pressure.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
Alright, let’s get on the plane! So, by plane, I mean coffin. You know how planes are just tubes that fly in the sky?
Emily
Planes are basically coffins but big.
Kyle
Yeah!
Hallie
They’re the same thing.
Emily
For lots of people.
Hallie
They’re the same thing.
Kyle
The plane is basically just a big old coffin. There are windows. First class which is… Quique said he’d be in front, so I’m assuming Quique’s in the nicer further-up areas.
Ari
Yeah. I don’t think in first class, he wouldn’t pay a first class ticket for everybody, but yeah, not the super-back.
Kyle
Oh, I just assumed you were purchasing that for yourself.
Hallie
And then the rest of us are in, like…
Ari
You know what? Yes. Correct. Quique purchased-
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
There are three areas. In the front, there’s this really nice… You know how coffins have unnecessary padding and pillows and stuff? It’s like being inside of a Bed Bath & Beyond.
Hallie
Aww.
Kyle
In the middle, it’s pretty nice. That’s where Ariel and Yunuen are.
[00:35:00]
And then the rest of you are in the back where you could swear you see some Necrotermites eating some of the wood on these bad wooden benches.
Hallie
Wow. Speaking of Necrotermites but not actually in any way, I want to try to recreate the list of my transgressions from memory. I want to just get out my SmackBook Pro and I want to type down as many things as I can remember while it’s fresh in my brain.
Emily
I really appreciate that you used the Necrotermites as a segue despite not having anything to do with it.
Tom
[Laughs.]
Hallie
I did! Because I was thinking, like… wood, paper, pencil, but no, I would just use my SmackBook Pro. There was a chain of thought, but it wasn’t very good.
[Silly ghostly music begins.]
Tom (as Hilda)
This feels very unhealthy, Boss.
Hallie (as Sparky)
What I don’t think is healthy is when organizations keep lists of things that people do “wrong.”
Hallie
[Rolls.] And the “wrong” is in air quotes. I got a 9.
Kyle
Okay, so you get to ask a simple question about the list of transgressions.
Hallie
What’s the worst item on that list?
Kyle
I gotta think about this. You suddenly remember one of the first times you talked to Quique you flat-out chased him through security in the thereport and had to be dragged out.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari
Oh…
Hallie (as Sparky)
Well, I already apologized to Quique for like so many things. Okay…
Hallie
My thought was like, if there was anyone else that I egregiously upset, I was going to go about my own way to make amends, but I already apologized to Quique. That’s just another thing—
Kyle
Oh, you upset all of DSA that day.
Hallie
I’m not made of money, Kyle. I can’t make up for DSA.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
[Laughs.] Anything else? As your pallbearer gets on.
Kyle (as pallbearer)
Hey everyone. It’s me, Pallbearer Nito. This is gonna be a two-hour blight, a quick trip down the River Styx. Don’t worry, though, it’s not one-way. Looks like the temperature in Necropolis today is—
Kyle
He’s just gonna do the thing that pilots always do where they say five times the number of words they need to do.
Hallie
Yeah.
Kyle
Anything else that you want to do before you make your way to Necropolis?
Ari
Quique’s having a bit of a blast in the front, having good food, trying to take a nap but unable to because the blight attendant is always like, sir, do you need something, sir, do you need something, and it’s like, please… I just want to sleep, except there’s no dirt, so he can’t really sleep properly in here.
Kyle
They go back a little bit, and you can’t see who they’re talking to, but Ariel just turns to the blight attendant and says:
Kyle (as Ariel)
Hey, I really thank you for looking after my tio like that. He just needs a lot of support, and you know, just checking in on him. It’s real good.
Ari
Wow! Oh my god.
Kyle
And just a big shit-eating grin is on their face the whole time.
Ari
God damn it. Also, I just want to say that halfway through one of Quique’s many attempts to take a nap he will also remember that Sparky chased him into the airport and be like “that’s why!”
[Laughter.]
Tom
Hilda puts in her noise-cancelling headphones and listens to music while cuddling Booker for the majority of the flight. Sorry, the majority of the blight.
Ari
Is it like low-fi? That kind of music. Or…?
Tom
Eh, it’s an eclectic playlist, which I say because my playlist is eclectic and shifts wildly between completely unrelated music.
Ari
I mean, same, honestly. I can have peaceful instrumental and I have ska and I never know what’s gonna come up next, so I totally get that.
Kyle
Just a random list of things you’ve got. You’ve got some classic rock, you’ve got some modern, you got the duo—this really cheesy duo from a couple of decades ago of Alucard and Draculad, Dracula’s sons. You even got some music—if it’s alright that I’m just kind of throwing some ideas.
Tom
Sure.
Kyle
You even got some music that’s in other languages. You got a couple of anime themes.
Tom
Only a couple?
Kyle
You’ve got a couple of songs from Mexican pop idols, like this flower-based one called Xochi. Just a whole bunch of music going around.
Tom
Yes.
Kyle
Alright, anything else?
Emily
Irene’s just fidgeting in her seat uncomfortably.
Hallie
Are there windows in this coffin?
Kyle
Yes.
Hallie
Okay. Pokeyo spends the entire trip flush against the window, staring out, like some children do on planes.
Ari
Mallea does not like being in this confined space because I assume there’s seatbelt requirements and Mallea is not best pleased by having a seatbelt around… it, him?
Kyle
It’s him and it.
Ari
Around it. So, he is trying to, like…
Ari (as Mallea)
[Struggling sounds.] Uh-lay-um!
Kyle
[Smiles.] Okay! So, everyone can feel as the coffin sinks down a bit until eventually settling on what doesn’t feel like solid ground, because it’s water.
Hallie
Ha!
[00:40:00]
[Wonderous magical music begins.]
Kyle
Pokeyo, from the outside, you can see hundreds of rivers coursing through this ethereal colorful space, on them a series of coffins, most of them pretty big like this one but a couple of small private coffins, zip down these rivers. The rivers all seem to be moving to and from the same destination. Sometimes they’ll move off and you’ll see that the ethereal lights turn into foggy representations of what seem to be other spaces, so like, what looks like a future dystopian nighttime city, a beautiful castle, a realm that is only Batman. Actually, that was the dystopian city.
[Laughter.]
But you notice that, the rivers, when they veer towards those, there’s always these artificial barriers that seem to be pushing them back away from it, so none of the rivers ever reach that destination.
Hallie (as Pokeyo)
Oh-ee-kooope~
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Hallie
That’s wonder.
Kyle
You go down the river, and after a few hours the hazy ethereal lights that seem to point to all these other places give way to a single strong unifying light in front of you as a hazy vision turns into a very bright clear headache.
Kyle (as Nito)
Everyone, welcome to Necropolis.
[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]
Kyle
Well, uh, hello there, passengers. Before we go on our blight today – yes, that’s blight not flight – we have a couple of announcements for you today.
So! Welcome to The Siren in the Dead City, Part 1 out of 3. I personally like to consider this episode kind of the prologue, the world building prologue to the adventure, but if I labeled it as the prologue the naming structure would be The Siren in the Dead City Prologue, and then The Siren in the Dead City, and then The Siren in the Dead City, Part 2, and I just thought that’s way too confusing.
In either case, I hope you’re enjoying the episode. I hope you’re enjoying us coming back to full-time episodes as much as I am. I’m enjoying it so much that I want to get you right back into the action, so I got just one super-quick super-important announcement today.
Later in the episode you’re going to hear us mention a place called Die Hop. Die Hop is a place we created in an exercise that I made for Under the Neighborhood that basically lets you create a thing like Mystery Shack from Gravity Falls or Owl House from The Owl House, just a solid base of operations of sorts.
Armed with that knowledge that we already made a place called Die Hop, you should be able to follow the story completely fine. However, if you’d like to hear what the creation process for Die Hop was like, because we did it all improvised at the beginning of the session, you can check our link below or just go to Patreon.com/QuestFriends for a free public post that’s like an additional 20-some minutes of audio of us creating that place. I think it’s just really fun behind-the-scenes audio. So, finish this episode first, but if after that you’re still hankering for a little bit more, you can check the description for that.
As I promised, that’s it. Our next episode, The Siren in the Dead City, Part 2, will be coming to you in two weeks on Monday, December 4. But, if you’d like additional content before then, you can find short stories, behind-the-scenes insights, and some extra audio over at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.
[Silly clockwork ghostly music carries out of the announcements.]
Kyle
Necropolis is a sprawling haphazard city with a whole variety of buildings, and by sprawling I mean sprawling. We’re talking dozens, hundreds of miles wide. The skyscrapers near the center, although there really isn’t a center, go for miles up. Even on top of some of them you can see that they’re so tall that there are little tiny cities built on top of them. Honestly, they make the ScubaCorp Spacescraper look one story tall by comparison.
You don't know what time of day it is because the lights from the city are so bright that it looks like it’s daytime but in a really artificial way. This light goes up and, in the sky, there’s almost this eternal rainbow as the light hits this network of rivers that are going into the city from above, because they’re floating rivers.
[00:45:00]
Down on the ground you see a bunch of tiny little Lovebug VWs and Model-T cars zipping around in a bunch of haphazard ways. Some of them are just stopping, and then going again, they’re cutting each other off. But, in addition to these cars going through this interlocking highway and all the lights and all the skyscrapers, you see five more things. Before you get into Necropolis, I want to do the Pain the Scene mechanic.
[Music ends.]
The Paint the Scene mechanic is one where you come up with a detail based on a prompt. In our case, I want you to come up with, super-quick, just a couple of sentences, a district of Necropolis, something that shows how alive and dead it is.
[Oppressive clock music plays.]
I’ll say… This is less of a district and more of a building. In one of the many districts with a lot of skyscrapers, there’s one building that goes above the rest of this. It is a giant courthouse with a colossal clock tower that, even in the brightness of the city, seems to shadow most of Necropolis. This is the Bureau of Intermortal office headquarters, or courthouse, or whatever you want to call it. When it was introduced last arc, it was a dinky little building that looked really big on the inside. This building actually looks as big as the inside of that building felt.
[Music ends.]
So, there’s just a big old courthouse with a big old clock tower, because BITE sucks.
Hallie
[Chuckles.]
Kyle
Notably, I want to point out that this is the same courthouse as you went to last arc. Kinda? All of BITE’s exteriors, which are all over the Here and the Hereafter, lead to the same interior. This particular exterior is just so large because Necropolis houses 99% of the Hereafter’s residents. It’s a big city. Anyway, that’s my “district.” What does everyone else got?
Tom
I have one.
Kyle
Okay.
[Gentle romantic piano music begins.]
Tom
One district is full of residential buildings, a mix of apartment towers and smaller one- to two-story buildings, and like little shops and businesses around the area. It’s called the Gardens of Adonis because it’s known for its regular festivals involving amateur gardening.
Several
Ooh!
Tom
And the celebration of the ephemeral nature of plant life. So, everyone puts out little potted plants of literally any variety out on their rooftops and just experiments with them, no knowledge required. They just experiment with taking care of plants on a very accelerated time scale as they wither away in the ever-present light.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
I love it.
[Bossa nova music begins.]
Ari
I guess there is a cultural district where basically there’s a little square outside plaza but around it there are a lot of museums. There’s a past and present, or maybe living and dead history museum, something like that. There’s a big cultural museum. And then, close by to there, there is a diamond pyramid. Nobody knows exactly where it comes from. It is crystal, and some people can just go, and it’s transparent. Actually, that’s the shape of the museum, it’s a diamond pyramid, and then you can go and see the different exhibits and stuff. And there’s other museums and other houses and things that are, you know, this was the house of ‘this person.’
Kyle
Is it alright if I add a detail to yours?
Ari
Yeah. I’m trying to base it off the center of Mexico City. That’s the vibe, the Zócalo, I’m trying to base it on that.
Kyle
I like it. I’m gonna say, since you added museums and you added something that could be a diamond or could be a pyramid depending on the way you look at it…
Ari
[Smiling.] Yeah.
Kyle
The biggest art museum in Necropolis, the RMS Titenic, is actually rubbed against the diamond museum like brushing against an iceberg. So, it’s just kind of like up against that museum. They’re sister museums, representing life and death.
Ari
So, is the iceberg the diamond pyramid?
Kyle
Yes. In this world, they were so confused, they couldn’t tell if it was a diamond or a pyramid, so they couldn’t avoid it in time, and that’s why the Titenic sank.
[Music ends.]
Ari
[Laughs.] Titenic.
Emily
I was thinking of a district based around a university?
[High School/College rock music begins.]
Kyle
Okay. Okay.
Ari
Ooh, yeah!
Hallie
Ooh.
Kyle
We’ll call this… since I actually have a university, if that’s okay.
Emily
Yeah.
Kyle
This will be the Skulliard.
Emily
[Chuckles.]
[00:50:00]
Kyle
“School yard.”
Ari
Oh, that’s right!
Emily
[Grinning.] Skulliard.
Ari
Skull yard!
Kyle
We’ll called it “skull yard” because it sounds like “school yard” otherwise.
Emily
I love it!
Kyle
Yeah, it’s Juilliard but skull. Everyone can thank Ari for that name. Skulliard.
Tom
This is exquisite, multilayered.
Ari
I forgot. There are so many things that I planned eons ago and forgot because my life was truly different.
Emily
It’s one of those, like, sprawling… There’s the campus, and then there’s like a convention center where they don’t have any food open for some reason except one place, but the cook went home already so you can’t get hot food.
Kyle
Yeah.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Emily
And Sparky Malarky might go on a misadventure.
Hallie
[Giggling.] They just leave in the middle of the rush! They just go!
Ari
I know that Necropolis is a combined thing and not based on a specific place, but Mexico City does have a big, big university city, and it’s called University City because it’s so big.
[Laughter. Music ends.]
Kyle
Funnily enough, right on the outskirts of this, that’s where Die Hop is.
Hallie
Ha!
Kyle
And then Hallie.
Hallie
So, piggybacking a little bit off of Ari with a cultural district…
[Ghost fairytale waltz plays.]
There are two households, both alike in dignity.
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie
In the Faire Theatre district where we lay our scene, an ancient grudge break to new mutiny. And it’s just Willie Shakespeare versus every other playwright who has ever existed, because he tends to take over the theater district, and it’s just like the globe versus other theaters that have been built by the residents of Necropolis. There’s a special VIP section in one of the theaters. It’s a booth, and it’s called the John Wilkes Booth.
Kyle
[Laughs.] No…
Tom
Hallie, why?!
Hallie
We can cut that.
Tom
Hallie…
Hallie
I just thought it was funny.
[Music ends abruptly.]
Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth are best friends and they go to the theater every night!
Tom
Hallie, no!
Hallie
That’s the end of Romeo and Juliet.
Tom
No, that’s worse! That’s worse!
Kyle
Yeah. I’ll keep the John Wilkes Booth. I’m X-Carding Lincoln being friends with the man who shot him.
Tom
Because he ended too much slavery!
Kyle
Yeah, because he ended too much slavery.
Hallie
[Laughs.] That’s it! I forgot why the Civil War happened!
Tom
[Amused.] Hallie, no!
Hallie
I forgot it was about slavery. I thought he just really didn’t like Abraham Lincoln. That’s been…
Tom
Why will the south rise again, Hallie?!
Hallie
No! That’s not what I want! I just want William Shakespeare throwing hands with everybody else in a whimsical VIP section.
Kyle
Yeah, he’s throwing hands with everyone else.
Hallie
Okay.
Kyle
I can even have him throwing hands with John Wilkes Booth.
Hallie
Yeah. He just keeps trying to assassinate people during plays.
Kyle
John Wilkes Booth is like the cockroach of the theater world, he keeps appearing—
Hallie
Nobody likes him.
Kyle
Everyone asks him to leave.
Hallie
I just—I’m sorry, I imagine…
Kyle
And then he keeps breaking his leg and running off.
Tom
[Laughs.]
[Silly classical music plays.]
Emily
One of the huge problems, too, for Willie is that he’s already got an unwanted tenant in the Phantom of the Opera.
[Laughter.]
Ari
Yes. Yes. An actual real phantom.
Kyle
[heavy sigh.]
Hallie
Kyle, groaning.
Tom
Alright, alright, alright. This is deeply important. Who is the Angel of Music down here? Is this a position that is passed around or is there a literal Angel of Music that haunts this district as well?
Ari
If it’s an Angel of Music, is it just the Wheel of Eyes?
Tom
[Laughs.] yes.
Kyle
[Sighs.]
Emily
It’s the biblically-accurate Angel of Music.
Hallie
Biblically-accurate.
Kyle
It’s the Wheel of Eyes, but everyone calls it the Wheel of Ice because it’s so frosty and mean.
Tom
And they are the prima donna of the operas in the theater district.
Kyle
Oh god.
Hallie
The phantom is in love with this angel.
Ari
Also, I know this is building a lot of floor that may not come up, but he hates everybody, Willie Shakespeare, but specifically there’s this feud with Cervantes, the guy who wrote Don Quixote, because there’s this weird paradox where they died at the same time except not really except they did. It’s just always a point of contention. It’s actually true, they died at the same time except they didn’t, because the calendars were different. It always trips me up.
Hallie
“This is MY death day.” It’s like having the same birthday as somebody.
Ari
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re fighting on their death day even though it wasn’t actually technically the same, but it was, it’s just different. Yeah.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Kyle
So, we have the BITE Headquarters. We have Square Plaza with a bunch of museums including the Titenic and the Diamond Pyramid. We have the theater district that Willie Shakespeare just keeps taking over.
Hallie
He’s like the president of the home owners association but for theaters.
Kyle
We’ve got Skulliard which is a big university, and then we have a place with a bunch of plants, the Gardens of Adonis, which has a lot of flower festivals.
[Laughing.] One of these is a lot more chill than the rest.
[00:55:00]
Tom
Listen.
Kyle
[Intense.] Willie Shakespeare is taking over! Diamond pyramids! Fucking Skulliard!
[Softly.] And some flowers.
Hallie
[Sweetly.] Plants~
Tom
Listen. I made a nice place that exists in the city where people could live in. It’s a reference both to an ancient Greek festival and to a David Graeber book.
Kyle
I like it. I want to make it clear, I like the Gardens of Adonis.
Ari
[Snickers.] The Gardens of the Galaxy. Sorry.
Hallie
[Laughs and groans.]
Kyle
Okay, last question. In which of these districts is… the fucking Die Hop? I forgot the name for a second.
Tom
I lean towards my own because it feels like the place where a weird failed bookstore turned breakfast place would be.
Kyle
Okay. Okay.
Ari
Hmm. That’s actually a fair point.
Hallie
That’s true.
Tom
But, I will gladly concede if people have another vision for this.
Emily
My only hesitancy is that I do feel like it would be a great place for drunk college students to go at 2 AM.
Hallie
Yeah, it does feel like a college…
Emily
So, that is my only reservation with that, it does sound like a place that drunk college students would go at 2 AM.
Tom
I can’t argue with that.
Ari
Hmm. I’m honestly torn between Tom’s and Emily’s, and my vote would be cast equally between both. At first it was gonna be the university, then Tom said his thing and I was like hmm, that’s a good point, then Emily said their thing… so Hallie, you’re the—
Hallie
Well, mine is the same. My opinion is the same as Ari’s.
Ari
God damn it.
Hallie
I think I lean more towards university only because we wanted it to be a public place, and it’s still public if it’s in Tom’s cute residential area, but that’s a nicer residential area where I feel like we would get better, more reasonable clientele we run into as opposed to the chaos of being near a university center.
Ari
Yeah. That’s true.
Emily
Also, you said it was probably gonna be on the edge of the university area, so then maybe the university and the residential are just nearby.
Ari
Oh no.
Hallie
Maybe it’s just right between them. You know?
Kyle
Ugh, don’t do this to me.
Hallie
It’s just right between them.
Tom
Location! Give us a better sense of place. It’s at the edge of the districts. Yes!
Hallie
Yeah!
Tom
Make a map! Make a map!
Hallie
It’s on the edge. Do it, Kyle.
Emily
[Sweetly.] You’re welcome, Kyle.
Kyle
Okay. It’s in the middle of the districts. In the center of the city, we’ve got the Square Plaza with the museums, we’ve got the theater district someplace, and then we’ve got Skulliard which is right next to a cute residential district, and the only thing fusing them together is a single shitty Die Hop.
Hallie
[Chuckling.] Die Hop.
Kyle
But also… The Worlds’ Fair.
[New Orleans swing music plays.]
Okay. We’ve thought about all the districts. We’ve seen them all as our little river has taken our coffin all the way down into another thereport which we’re gonna say looks pretty much the same as it does in the realm of the living but a lot more lights. Are you gonna take public transportation? Are you gonna take one of the catacombis?
Ari
Oh my god! I forgot about the catacombis!
Kyle
Or Quique, are you gonna drive everyone?
Ari
Driving… I assume it’s pretty not great, but—
Tom
Public transport! Public transport!
Ari
Oh god. Uh, I don't know…
Tom
Embrace it. Car bad, train good.
Kyle
I mean, catacombis are cars, they’re just vans. They’re like tiny little buses.
Tom
Oh no! Is this the Elon Musk loop?
Kyle
No. Combis are a thing in Mexico, right?
Ari
Yeah, they’re like a tiny bus. They’re like vans, but they’re very small.
Tom
Oh. Oh, it’s a bus. Never mind, I misunderstood completely.
Kyle
They’re a bus.
Ari
Yeah, they’re tiny buses.
Tom
When you said combi I was like, oh, it’s like a little bee that goes through a catacomb. I was like, it’s a subway, obviously. I misunderstood completely.
Ari
Oh my god. I assume there’s also a subway. We have subways in Mexico City. They’re not great. They catch on fire. I wouldn’t recommend going on them. They’re bad. It’s bad.
[Laughter.]
Emily
Oh…
Kyle
Do you want to deal with the streets or the fires?
Ari
If the kids pressure people into going into the catacombis, then Quique would cave, otherwise he would insist driving.
Tom
Hilda’s just excited to see a catacombi. She wants to know.
Ari
Okay, let’s go to the catacombis. Fine.
Kyle
Yunuen races ahead of everybody else.
Ari
Let’s go to the catacombis. Just, you know, post up and get into the tiny buses.
[Music ends.]
Kyle
The door opens up super-fast. You see a wide-eyed woman with red hair open the door and she stares at you.
Kyle (as driver)
Where are we going today, class?
[Laughter.]
Hallie
Is this Ms. Frizzle?
Ari (as Quique)
[Weary.] Yeah, this is why I would rather drive, but it’s okay. This is where we are now.
Tom
Please let this be a normal commute.
[01:00:00]
Kyle
Honk-honk! The door shuts and the Frizz speeds off!
Hallie
There she goes!
Tom
[Hums The Magic School Bus theme.]
Emily
[Groans.] I don’t want to go to space again.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Alright! This woman, who is Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus, she found new work, drives you all to—
Emily
How did she die?
Hallie
Did she go to space again?
Kyle
You briefly go to dead space.
Tom
No, no, we don’t want to go to Dead Space.
Kyle
Oh no, that’s—
[Laughter.]
Hallie
No, we’re not going to dead space because that is how she died.
Tom
Kyle, why?! Kyle…
Hallie
We don’t wanna go to dead space.
Tom
That franchise has been dead for years.
Hallie
Don’t make us go there.
Tom
Don’t bring it back. I mean, I guess it has come back, but no.
Kyle
Okay. I just want you all to know that, if you had health, you would lose probably about 5 points of health right now.
Hallie
Jesus.
Ari
Oh my god.
Kyle
Luckily, this is a system without health. After a very fast and very harrowing ride – Yunuen fucking loved it… Ari mentioned that if you took the subways you’d be on fire. Unfortunately, Yunuen’s Pik Pik did in fact freak out and did catch on fire.
Ari
Oh no!
Kyle
So there was fire regardless.
Ari
Oh no!
Kyle
You zip through. We’re gonna say the catacombi door opens and we just see a (burst sound), there’s just a plume of smoke coming out as the four of you, as well as Yunuen and Ariel, stumble out with the scorched brows cartoon look, hair standing on end.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Hey, where did you learn to drive like that? Because it was awesome.
Ari (as Quique)
Welcome to Necropolis, gang.
Ari
He’s not gonna say gang.
Hallie
[Laughs.]
Ari (as Quique)
Welcome to Necropolis!
Tom (as Hilda)
That was kinda fun.
Emily (as Irene)
[Uneasy.] That was not fun.
Hallie (as Sparky)
It is just as cool down here as I thought.
Ari (as Quique)
I’m with you here, kid. This is why I wanted to drive. It’s less hectic, it’s less chaotic, but you wanted to experience Necropolis. This is a full way to experience it.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Oh yeah.
Emily
Irene is, if you’ll pardon the pun, pale as death.
Tom
Hey…!
Ari
Quique is also pale as death. That’s because he’s always… that’s just because he’s a skeleton.
Hallie
Ha!
Emily
Heh.
Kyle
Oh my god. Um…
Hallie
I was serious, though. I want to make friends with the Frizz.
Kyle
Just… Hallie, give me a roll. Roll +Heart.
Hallie
Yes! That’s my good stat today.
[Rolls.] Oh, I got a 6, so that sucks, with my +2.
Kyle
Take 1 AP.
Hallie
Yay! Guys, I have so much AP. Oh, what am I gonna use it for?
Kyle
She is so distracted you almost get run over.
Hallie
[laughs.]
Ari
Quique’s gonna grab Sparky. [Grunts with effort.]
Hallie (as Sparky)
I was getting through to her!
Ari (as Quique)
That was getting through you, literally. Do you want to stay here, Sparky? Do you like this so much?
Hallie (as Sparky)
I mean, for like a day, I don't know… no.
Hallie
She fixes her jacket as if nothing has happened.
Hallie (as Sparky)
Thanks.
Hallie
And then continues on.
Ari
Huh. Quique’s gonna just actually be pretty pleased and surprised that she said thanks.
Ari (as Quique)
You’re welcome, Sparky.
Ari
Who I assume has already walked off, but he’s very pleased by that and says you’re welcome.
Hallie
She’s moseying down. She’s too embarrassed to hang around after saying things.
Kyle
She has walked into the Worlds’ Fair.
[Ghostly credits music begins.]
What’s the Worlds’ Fair, what deathly delights does it hold, and how will this trip continue our players’ march towards the end of the world? We’ll learn all about that… next time.
[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]
Kyle
Hallie, repeat that. Are you recording?
Hallie
Yeah, for real!
Kyle
Ari, are you recording?
Ari
For real?!
[Laughter.]
Kyle
“For real?!” Tom, are you recording?
Tom
For real!
Kyle
[Laughs.] Alright. Emily, say something to confirm that we’re recording.
Emily
Something to confirm that we’re recording.
Kyle
For real?
Emily
For real.
--
Kyle
For some reason I wrote that you all chose Boidelrat Gang and I don't know why I wrote Boidelrat Gang.
[Laughter.]
Emily
The Boidelrat Pack!
Tom
We are the Boidelrat Pack!
Hallie
We’re the Boidelrats.
Ari
All of the Necromon, the Boidelrat Pack, will help Boidelrat to get this plush toy.
Kyle
Oh my god. You’re learning to be friends.
Ari
Necromon side adventure.
--
Tom
I turned everyone from a +1 friendship to a +2 friendship on Hilda’s sheet.
Ari
Aww.
Tom
Everybody got marked up.
[01:05:00]
Emily
I bumped up Sparky to 0.
Hallie
I bumped up Irene to 0!
Ari
I bumped up Sparky to 0 as well.
Hallie
Yeah!
Ari
The kids are a +1 now. Both kids are a +1.
Hallie
Zeroes and twos! Hilda remained a +1, but Quique got bumped up to +1 because we had a moment, but it’s really funny that Sparky’s only at 0 for Quique.
Ari
Oh yeah.
--
Kyle
You can actually see there’s a park, like Central Park in New York, except this massive sprawling park is full of trees that go all the way up to the canopy. It’s the rainforest.
Emily
Aww~
Hallie
Kyle! Kyle…!
Kyle
Actually, I’m gonna cut that. I just wanted to make that joke.
Tom
I was debating whether to X-Card it.
Ari
Oh no. I want to X-Card that. It took me a minute to get it.
Kyle
I put in my notes, if Quique wants a Christmas tree, does he have to burn it for it to appear in his Necropolis house?
Tom
[Groaning.] Oh no…
Ari
Why?!
Kyle
This is why I prematurely killed all the animals, because this is where my brain goes.
Hallie
Ugh!
Ari
Are all of the animals in Necropolis then?
--
Kyle
Damn it, Tom.
Tom
[Chuckles triumphantly.]
Kyle
I don’t want to give John Wilkes Booth a Netflix special, but you’re right. You’re right. He would be on all of those, “Silenced, with John Wilkes Booth.”
Ari
We’ve had so many X-Cards in this episode already.
Emily
This always happens after a break. We just come back incredibly chaotic.
--
Emily
My microphone is going flaccid.
Ari
Oh no!
Kyle
That was the worst way to describe that.
Tom
An understandable problem.
Hallie
That was a terrible word choice.
Emily
The best way to describe it.
Hallie
Garbage.
Ari
Why?! There it goes.
Emily
It’s just slowly sinking.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Just tie it! Tighten it!
Emily
It is tightened!
Tom
Many people struggle with this problem. It’s understandable.